Samantha Jackson Quotes in Ted 2 (2015)

[from trailer]

Ted: What's your middle name?

Samantha Jackson: Leslie.

Ted: Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!

John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.

Samantha Jackson: Who is that?

Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

Samantha Jackson: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?

Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.

Samantha Jackson: Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.

John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.

Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.

Samantha Jackson: Hi, have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear, he...

Comic-Con Fan: [interrupts] Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.

Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!

John: Fuck!

[from trailer]

Samantha Jackson: All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?

Ted: Yup, bring it on.

Samantha Jackson: Do you consider yourself to be human?

Ted: Objection!

John: Sustained!

Samantha Jackson: You know, the witness can't object.

John: Overruled.

Ted: Sidebar.

John: Guilty!

Ted: Speculation.

John: Hearsay!

Ted: Bailiff.

John: Briefcase.

Ted: Disregard.

John: In my chambers.

Ted: Stop beavering the witness.

John: I rest.

Ted: We could totally be lawyers.

Judge: Ms. Jackson please control your client or I will hold you both in contempt of court.

Ted: Oh, piss off! All right? I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!

Samantha Jackson: Ted, shut up!

Ted: Fine!

[Ted begins to play Angry birds on his iPhone]

Samantha Jackson: Ted, do you love your wife?

Shep Wild: Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.

Samantha Jackson: I'll rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?

Ted: I love my *wife*. Okay, my wife. More than anything in the world. We're married, I don't care what anybody says.

Ted: That weed is really good. It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called "Here Comes Autism."

John: Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called..."How Long Has That Van Been There?"

Samantha Jackson: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home."

Samantha Jackson: Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?

John: Judy Bloome?

Ted: Hitler?

Samantha Jackson: F. Scott Fitzgerald.

John: Who's that?

Samantha Jackson: The author.

John: Well, why are you saying "fuck him"?

Samantha Jackson: [Sam is confused] What?

Ted: You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?

John: Yeah.

Samantha Jackson: No, that's his first name.

Ted: His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?

Samantha Jackson: What? No!

John: Well, what does the F stand for?

Samantha Jackson: Francis.

Ted: No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.

John: It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.

Samantha Jackson: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?

John: Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?

Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.

John: It's Fuck. It's Fuck.

Samantha Jackson: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.

Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.

Samantha Jackson: [Unrated version] I love New York.

John: Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.

Ted: Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York.

[Out the car window, to a group]

Ted: Hello, Jews!

[the groups says hello back]

Samantha Jackson: [Alternate scene] Can either of you tell me what happened in World War I?

John: Yeah. I mean, the whole world was fighting.

Ted: It's a lot of anger. A lot of anger.

Samantha Jackson: Any specifics?

John: A lot of people died.

Ted: Too many, if you ask me.

Samantha Jackson: Where did it take place?

John: All over the world.

Ted: Thus, World War I.

John: And that was the first one.

Ted: Of many.

Samantha Jackson: You guys need to get fucking educated!

Ted: Right. You see the thing is, we don't wanna take any chances, because the stakes are so significant.

John: We can't rush into anything. We got to make sure we're making the right decision.

Ted: We really appreciate your time, but what we're probably gonna do is...

[Samantha takes a hit from bong]

Ted: just take a seat and get to work.

John: Trust you completely.

Ted: We really feel you got a lot to offer.

Samantha Jackson: Sorry you don't mind the pot,do you? I get migraines.

John: Oh absolutely. Me too.

Ted: That's fine. I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minuets.