Customer Quotes in Ted 2 (2015)

Customer: Hey.

Ted: Hello.

Customer: I have to... I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.

Ted: Uhhh... Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.

Customer: Yeah, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?

Ted: Well... I mean they say 'Trix are for kids' in the commercials b...

Customer: Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law?

Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge. No.

Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?

Ted: No. No. You should be fine.

Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?

Ted: I was able to sniff that out, yeah.

Customer: Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment.

Ted: Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay.

Customer: And... I won't be followed?

Ted: No, uh... that's not in our budget here.

Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.

Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.

[Michael is working as Carole's manager at a dance hall]

Carole: What are you doin' Michael?

Michael: [dressed as a pimp] I'm gittin' wid' it, Carole! A really zooty cash 'n booty funky and booty razzmattazz!

Carole: [laughs] Well, Zoot, how's about razzatazzin' up a dollar twenty-five cent dance for us?

Michael: All righty! A'righty jazz and hot licks!

[stops an elderly customer]

Michael: Pops, I'd like you to meet and dance with the fourth Andrews Sister!

Customer: The fourth?

Michael: Yeah, because she was black, they kept her in the back.

Skip: Yeah, hi. This isn't a library... so it's ten bucks to browse. You got ten bucks?

Customer: Didn't bring any money today.

Skip: Yeah, well, why'd you come into my store, then, asshole?

Customer: [while Jullian is crying] Nice parenting.

Sonny: Hey, thanks! Who are you? My therapist?

[tosses the guy's fries over his shoulder]

Sonny: Take a walk!

Customer: So, basically you have...?

Lil: Jim, Jack, Johnny Red, Johnny Black, and Jose; all my favorite men. You can have it any way you like it, as long as it's in a shot glass.

[Zack and Delaney are having a conversation]

Customer: Hi, can I have a coffee? Black?

Delaney: Can't you see we talking, White?

Customer: [to Ed] Excuse me? Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it.

Ed: That's what I gave you.

Customer: No! You gave me a bun. Just a bun! Look! There's no meat in here.

Ed: But you said you wanted nothing on it.

Customer: Yes, but I expected a meat patty!

Ed: Dude, a meat patty is something. You said "nothing".

[to Fizz]

Ed: Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?

Fizz: Uh, something?

Ed: I win!

Customer: That's it! I am reporting your name to the manager!

Ed: The manager already knows my name.

Customer: [while throwing the bun down] And I'll see you in Hell!

[Leaves]

Ed: OK! See you there!

Customer: Do you have Soul?

Rob: That all depends.

[Jimmie hears that his "shit or get off the pot" marriage proposal has become an urban legend]

Customer: My psychoanalyst couldn't stop talking about it. It's a bunch of crap if you ask me.

Customer Muhammed: [to Terri, trying to convert her to the Nation of Islam] All I want to know is... how can you, as a Black woman, bring yourself to worship a savior who looks like Kenny G?

Customer: Ay... Kenny G put out a bomb-ass Christmas album!

Customer: You should be scared. It's a healthy reaction to a big ass gun like that.

Customer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Customer: "VOOM"? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Customer: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!

Customer: [walks into pet store] Uh, excuse me, miss?

Owner: [looks up] What'd you mean "miss"?

Customer: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I... I have a cold.

Hollywood: Oh, get down, honey, get down!

Customer: Get doooooooooown!

[Discussing cheap wine]

Customer: Really? Stomach cramps? But it's such a good buy.

Paul: Well, so is lighter fluid at three ninety-five a pint but I wouldn't serve it to my dinner guests.

Customer: Are you a homo?

Bobo Shand: No. I'm a Bobo.

Frank: Did you pump it? You can't pump it. That'll just flood it.

Customer: Ya gotta pump it. Ya can't just hold it down. *That'll* flood it.

Frank: You crazy? You pumped it?

Customer: Well, ya can't hold it down.

Frank: Just turn the key.

Customer: Not when it's cold.

Frank: Well, if it's cold, choke it.

Customer: And pump it.

Customer: [to her grandson after watching Hercules] Never smoke cigarettes and you'll be a big strong man like him.

[after observing the gambling tables at Rick's]

Customer: Are you sure this place is honest?

Carl: Honest? As honest as the day is long!

Arthur Sailes: You like some more?

Customer: Yes please.

Arthur Sailes: You okay?

Ben Sheets: Yeah.

Arthur Sailes: DO YOU WANT MORE?

Mildread: Yes.

Customer: What happened to my strawberry sundae?

Mervin Q. Milgrim: What's today?

Customer: Friday.

Mervin Q. Milgrim: You've got two more days to wait.

Customer: [upon hearing the price of a perfume is $67 an ounce] Isn't that rather expensive?

Kitty Foyle: How else could we keep the wrong sort of person from wearing it?

Customer: Which way to the roof garden?

Bill: [unsure of what else to say] Um... Up!

[Donnie suddenly pushes her client off the bed]

Customer: Dammit, I wasn't finished yet.

Donnie: You were finished 10 minutes ago; you were just pretending.

Customer: Well, for 2 bucks I ought to be able to pretend a little.

Donnie: Why don't you go home and pretend with your wife?

Customer: Jesus, I'd have to pretend I was in another state!