David Hasselhoff Quotes in Ted 2 (2015)

Ted: [At a "Knight Rider" Q&A panel, unrated version] I have a question. Exactly how many beers did you have before you got naked with that hamburger?

David Hasselhoff: You know, buddy, we all make mistakes. That was a long time ago and I'm a different guy now.

KITT: You know what, can I just jump in here for a second? You're a real scumbag for asking that question.

Ted: What? It's a fair question.

KITT: No, you know what? You know what? Let me tell you something about this man...

David Hasselhoff: KITT, it's all right, just let it go.

KITT: No, no! I want him to hear this. Let me tell you something, after the show ended, I got nothing but shit work, all right? I was playing snow plows, tractors, I was even cast as a lawnmower. Not that was a real low point for me and this man sitting next to me, at this very low point in my life wrote me a check.

David Hasselhoff: Aw, come on, pal.

KITT: No, no! I want everyone to hear this because you are a good man, David Hasselhoff! You are a good man. You saved me with your generosity. You are the most-

[KITT's wiper fluid and windshield wipers start up]

KITT: I'm so sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional. I just love you, buddy. I just love you so much.

David Hasselhoff: I love you too, pal, I really do. I love you.

Ted: So, like twenty-five beers or what?

KITT: [rushing at Ted] You piece of shit! Get out of here!

Ted: Whoa, man! What the fuck?

KITT: You are not fit to breathe the same air as this man!

David Hasselhoff: KITT, he's not worth it!

KITT: Get out of here!

Ted: What? He's a celebrity. His personal life is our business.

KITT: Get the fuck out, you piece of dog shit! I will run you down like roadkill!

Ted: I don't have to take this shit from a fucking Pontiac.

KITT: Get out! Get the fuck out!

Ted: You're a psycho, dude. Seriously. You're a psycho. Get some therapy.

KITT: Get out!

Ted: [Ted leaves the room] Crazy son of a bitch. Jesus Christ.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, no, how will we ever get back to Bikini Bottom now?

David Hasselhoff: I can take you there.

[Hasselhoff comes running up in slow motion]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Who are you?

David Hasselhoff: I'm David Hasselhoff.

Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants: Hooray!

SpongeBob SquarePants: So, uh, where's your boat?

David Hasselhoff: Boat?

[laughs]

David Hasselhoff: Ya done good Hasselhoff, ya done...

[giant flame comes from the Bikini Bottom and burns David Hasselhoff]

David Hasselhoff: [quietly] Ow.

David Hasselhoff: [after Dennis stabs him in the butt] Take it easy back there fellas

E.B.: Hey, wait. You're not surprised I'm a talking rabbit.

David Hasselhoff: Little man, my best friend is a talking car.

David Hasselhoff: Holy fuck! I'm getting old.

[Last line]

David Hasselhoff: Little ginger moron.

David Hasselhoff: Welcome to rock bottom.

David Hasselhoff: Has anyone ever referred to you as a punk ass mother fucker?

Stretch: Uh, not to my recollection.

David Hasselhoff: You are a punk ass mother fucker.

David Hasselhoff: Who's an hour late and at my age when you find yourself making the most of even the smallest moments, the idea that you would swindle out of an entire hour, that you would have the balls to vaporize 60 minutes of my waking life is contemptible, it's criminal.

Stretch: I'm um really sorry.

David Hasselhoff: Come on son, if you're going to patronize me, at least put your fucking back into it, you don't have any respect for the HOFF. Am I right? You think I never held a knife? That I'm unfamiliar with the taste of blood? That I took a shitty sub par show about lifeguards and turned it into the highest rated syndicated hit in television history because I got fucking lucky?

David Hasselhoff: I once forcibly sodomize a Vietcong colonel with a stick grenade because he placed an ancestral curse on me while I was interrogating him and I don't even believe in ancestral curses but that's how fucking deep I roll.