Lois Einhorn Quotes in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

Lois Einhorn: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone.

Ace Ventura: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.

[Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching]

Ace Ventura: Holy testicle Tuesday.

Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?

Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?

Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.

Lois Einhorn: We'll find the porpoise.

Ace Ventura: [to Lt. Einhorn] Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.

Lois Einhorn: What would you know about pressure.

Ace Ventura: Well, I have kissed a man.

Lois Einhorn: [after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers] Shoot him! Shoot him!

Emilio: [offscreen] Hold your fire!

[walks in with Melissa, gun to his head]

Emilio: Don't shoot!

Melissa: Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!

[cocks revolver]

Emilio: She's not joking!

Lois Einhorn: [ignoring them] He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was going to kill Dan Marino and meeeeee!

Ace Ventura: Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section a little more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up the NFL's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.

[takes deep breath]

Ace Ventura: What you wouldn't read about was how Ray Finkle lost his mind was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino for whom he blamed the entire thing!

[takes another deep, relief breath]

Aguado: What the hell are you talking about?

Ace Ventura: SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man.

Lois Einhorn: He's lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!

Lois Einhorn: And somebody get me some coffee!

Ace Ventura: Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss some coffee.

Ace Ventura: You're certain you had to open this door.

Aguado: Yeah, I'm certain.

Lois Einhorn: What's the point, Ventura?

Ace Ventura: Only this.

Lois Einhorn: Alright, Ventura. Make it quick.

Ace Ventura: I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It belonged to a 1984 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking mental institute escapee. I saw the guy's room. Cozy if you're Hannibal Lecter!

[Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head]

Ace Ventura: [begging] Please don't kill me. I'll never tell anyone. Kill him, he's the one you want.

Dan Marino: No, no kill him.

Ace Ventura: No kill him. He held the ball wrong, remember? Come on, look at the guy.

[Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air]

Dan Marino: Cry-baby.

Ace Ventura: Jock.

Dan Marino: Whimp.

Ace Ventura: Muscle-head.

Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP.

Lois Einhorn: DIE ANIMAL BOY!

Ace Ventura: Quick Decision

Lois Einhorn: [to Emilio] Who let Dr. Dolittle in?

Lois Einhorn: You've done some fine detective work... 'Ace'.

Ace Ventura: I'm sorry. Could you please speak in to my good ear? I thought I heard you call me Ace.

Lois Einhorn: I need some refreshments, Dan. Would you like some refreshments, Dan? I'll be right back, Dan.