Aguado Quotes in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

[Aguado stomps on a cockroach to provoke Ventura]

Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?

[everyone laughs]

Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK, and became insanely jealous.

[everybody "oohs"]

Ace Ventura: Then I'd lose 30 pounds... porkin' his wife!

Aguado: Why you...!

[Aguado charges Ace, but Ace makes him do a face-plant that ends with his face just an inch or so from the dead bug]

Ace Ventura: Now, kiss and make up.

Lois Einhorn: [after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers] Shoot him! Shoot him!

Emilio: [offscreen] Hold your fire!

[walks in with Melissa, gun to his head]

Emilio: Don't shoot!

Melissa: Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!

[cocks revolver]

Emilio: She's not joking!

Lois Einhorn: [ignoring them] He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was going to kill Dan Marino and meeeeee!

Ace Ventura: Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section a little more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up the NFL's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.

[takes deep breath]

Ace Ventura: What you wouldn't read about was how Ray Finkle lost his mind was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino for whom he blamed the entire thing!

[takes another deep, relief breath]

Aguado: What the hell are you talking about?

Ace Ventura: SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man.

Lois Einhorn: He's lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!

Ace Ventura: You're certain you had to open this door.

Aguado: Yeah, I'm certain.

Lois Einhorn: What's the point, Ventura?

Ace Ventura: Only this.

Aguado: Hey Ventura, Ventura. Make any good collars lately, or were they leashes.

Aguado: Uh oh, I think I heard a toilet flush. Maybe somebody lost a turtle.