Emilio Quotes in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

Lois Einhorn: [after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers] Shoot him! Shoot him!

Emilio: [offscreen] Hold your fire!

[walks in with Melissa, gun to his head]

Emilio: Don't shoot!

Melissa: Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!

[cocks revolver]

Emilio: She's not joking!

Lois Einhorn: [ignoring them] He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was going to kill Dan Marino and meeeeee!

Ace Ventura: Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section a little more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up the NFL's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.

[takes deep breath]

Ace Ventura: What you wouldn't read about was how Ray Finkle lost his mind was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino for whom he blamed the entire thing!

[takes another deep, relief breath]

Aguado: What the hell are you talking about?

Ace Ventura: SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man.

Lois Einhorn: He's lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!

Ace Ventura: [bending over and talking from his behind] Excuse me. I'd like to "ass" you a few questions.

Emilio: Ace, this is not the time. If Einhorn comes down here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.

Emilio: I fear you are underestimating the sneakiness, sir.

Emilio: How can I thank you?

Longfellow Deeds: All I want is your friendship, Emilio. You're a good man.

Emilio: Deeds! How about a billion dollars?

Longfellow Deeds: Alright.

Emilio: Done.

Longfellow Deeds: Whoa, you kinda snuck up on me there...

Emilio: I am very very sneaky, sir.

Emilio: Usually, when you are black out drunk you don't dream... or so I read.

Chuck Cedar: Cute, bigmouth.

Emilio: Sir?

Chuck Cedar: As soon as that moron goes back to Cowpie Falls, you are out of here on your fat, Puerto Rican ass.

[leaves]

Emilio: I hail from Spain, sir.

[gives the middle finger to Cedar's retreating back]

Emilio: Ole.

Emilio: You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. You, sir, you are definitely fired.

Cecil Anderson: I'd like to stay. I think I can do some good around here.

[Emilio looks at Deeds, who nods in approval]

Emilio: Okay, not fired. But tomorrow morning, you will let me change your socks.

Cecil Anderson: [Weirded out] Okay.

[Deeds' poem is printed on greeting cards all over the state]

Babe: "Hard to breathe / Feels like floating..."

Reuben: "So full of love my heart's exploding..."

Emilio: [stroking a beautiful woman] "Mouth is dry / Hands are shaking..."

Cecil Anderson: [seated next to Kitty on a bench] "My heart is yours for the taking..."

Nazo, the Italian Delivery Man: [stroking a cat] "Acting weird / Not myself..."

Jan: "Dancing around like the Keebler elf..."

Longfellow Deeds: "Finally time / for this poor schlubb / To know how it feels to fall in lub."

[Longfellow Deeds is showing Emilio his frostbitten foot]

Emilio: The hideousness of that foot will haunt my dreams forever.

Longfellow Deeds: Oh, yeah. I've heard that before

Emilio: Here are some aspirins, Mr. Deeds. They make your head seem smaller.

Longfellow Deeds: How did I get into these pajamas?

Emilio: I changed you. I was very gentle, sir.

Emilio: That is my mother's name... That is my birth date... That is my MONEY?

[Lopez fires everyone on the board, and is about to fire Cecil Anderson... ]

Longfellow Deeds: Ah, hold on a moment. Allow him to hang around a little longer. He can do a good job if you give him the chance.

Emilio: Very well...

[to Cecil]

Emilio: I shall expect you at seven tomorrow morning, so that I can change your socks.

Emilio: I literally put the dick in valeDICtorian.

Julia: So kill me, too and stop boring me with your sermons. You're a fraud and a thief, like me, like everybody.

Emilio: No, I'm not a thief. I'm not a thief. I have a right to it, I do. We did the sports lottery together. I helped him guess the scores. He asked me for advice. He said..."Sporting against Real Sociedad"... And I... I... I said..."Tie". I don't know, it just came out of my mouth. No one else in Spain marked "Tie". Just me. I said, "Tie". When I heard he'd won the jackpot, I was glad. I swear I was glad. And he didn't want to share. As if we didn't exist. We were neighbours. A lifetime together, meeting in the elevator, in the bar... It meant nothing to him. He could have given us part, or just gifts. But no, he wanted it all for himself, the Goddamn greedy fucker. I've dreamt about this moment ever since. If I hadn't spoken, if I'd shut my mouth, if I hadn't said "Tie"... the bastard wouldn't have ruined our lives.

[grabbing the microphone at a Bar-Mitzvah]

Emilio: You and your guests stink!

Emilio: Thank you Maurice, you forgot to invite me but I'll stay anyways.

Emilio: [To Joey as they watch the Ducky Boys advancing on them] Who are these guys; friends of yours?