Captain Mucus Quotes in History of the World: Part I (1981)

Marcus Vindictus: Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?

Captain Mucus: I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.

Marcus Vindictus: You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!

Marcus Vindictus: ...Seize him!

[His men grab Josephus]

Marcus Vindictus: Do you know the penalty for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?

[Numerous onlookers, crowding about, raise their hands enthusiastically]

Marcus Vindictus: Okay... Let's see... There, you had your hand up first.

1st Onlooker: Death by torture!

Marcus Vindictus: [CUTTING-ROOM-FLOOR LINE] Uhm... Be more specific, please.

1st Onlooker: [CUTTING-ROOM-FLOOR LINE: the Onlooker's face scrunches up in thought] ... You get drawn and quartered?

Marcus Vindictus: [CUTTING-ROOM-FLOOR LINE] I don't think that's been invented yet. Who's got the encyclopedia...?

[Mucus brings him a "World Scroll", which MV skims]

Marcus Vindictus: ... No, that doesn't come along until the Dark Ages. Good guess, though. How about you, sir?

2nd Onlooker: Crucifixion!

Marcus Vindictus: Wrong; that's the penalty for *high treason*. Still, very good guess. Over here?

3rd Onlooker: [CUTTING-ROOM-FLOOR LINE] They force-feed you a mess of laxatives and then lock you in an airtight room, where you choke to death on your own flatulence!

Marcus Vindictus: [CUTTING-ROOM-FLOOR LINE] Well... That's not correct, but - Hey, are you writing this down?

[Taps Mucus urgently]

Marcus Vindictus: Who knows? We might have some work for this guy; come on, write it down.

Captain Mucus: [CUTTING-ROOM-FLOOR LINE, writing it down] Hmmm, a *gas chamber*...

[chuckles]

Captain Mucus: That'll never catch on.

[while Josephus is hiding among the eunuchs, Caladonia dances erotically in front of them to test them]

Marcus Vindictus: He's a eunuch.

Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.

[she moves to another one, dancing harder]

Marcus Vindictus: *He's* a eunuch.

Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.

[she moves to a third one, dancing even harder]

Marcus Vindictus: He's *dead!*

Captain Mucus: Hmm.

Captain Mucus: [stoned] You men go northwest! You men go southwest! I'm gonna walk around right here in a circle.

[Comicus escapes by kicking Marcus in the groin]

Captain Mucus: Commander, what happened? Where are they?

Marcus Vindictus: [high-pitched voice] Get the horses! Get the chariots! Get the men!

Captain Mucus: Onward!

[the soldiers start to run, but Marcus stops him]

Marcus Vindictus: Get me an ice pack! Hurry!