Comicus Quotes in History of the World: Part I (1981)

Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?

Comicus: Stand-up philosopher.

Dole Office Clerk: What?

Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.

Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a *bullshit* artist!

Comicus: *Grumble*...

Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week?

Comicus: No.

Dole Office Clerk: Did you *try* to bullshit last week?

Comicus: Yes!

Comicus: Have you heard of this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot! First of all, they are so poor...

Swiftus: How poor are they?

Comicus: Thank you! They are so poor... that they only have *one* God!

[drumbeat, everyone laughs]

Comicus: But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.

[Condemned for offending Emperor Caesar with his stand-up routine]

Comicus: Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!

Judas: No, No! Leave us alone!

Comicus: All right, all right! Jesus!

Jesus: Yes?

Comicus: What?

Jesus: What?

Comicus: What?

Jesus: Yes?

Comicus: Jesus!

Jesus: Yes?

Comicus: What?

Jesus: What?

Comicus: You said what.

Jesus: Yes?

Comicus: Nothing.

Marcus Vindictus: [lifts sword] Goodbye, head!

Comicus: [grabs Marcus's sword arm] Hello, balls!

[kicks Marcus in the groin]

Miriam: Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours?

Comicus: Miracle... uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher.

Miriam: Oh, I'm Miriam. I'm a Vestal Virgin.

Comicus: I'm really sorry to hear that!

Comicus: I'm fighting with cardboard!