Wally Quotes in

Wally: I just wish I could teach them something besides boot-blacking.

Mickey: What's the matter with boot-blacking? We both like it very much! Right Kimmy?

Wally: [pantomimes a dead corpse in front of hostages] Hi, everybody! I'm leaving now, got the rest of the day off! Yes-sir-ee you won't see me no more! New boss is a great guy! He said I could have the rest of the week off, ha ha ha! It's such a drag!

[Wally laughs and drags the corpse off-screen]

[the gang is confronted by Kevin, who they think is the Supreme Being]

Randall: Heh heh. We can explain everything, sir. It's not as bad as it looks. We... We just borrows the map and... Sort of got rather happy about it and... Ran off in high spirits.

[They laugh]

Kevin: Who are you?

Strutter: That's not Him.

Fidgit: That didn't sound like Him, did it?

Wally: It doesn't even look like Him!

Strutter: It isn't him!

Randall: Let's get him!

[They all pounce on Kevin]

Randall: Strutter, get his torch! Shine it right in the face.

[Strutter shines the torch full in Randall's face]

Randall: His face, dummy!

Wally: Do you mean you knew what was happening to us all the time?

Supreme Being: Well, of course. I am the Supreme Being, I'm not entirely dim...

Vermin: [On the deck of the Titanic] Six more plates of caviar, please. Does anybody else want any?

Wally: Oh not for me, thank you. I'll stick with the quail's eyeballs. Caviar makes me throw up, you know.

[Randall gives him a look]

Wally: Sorry, Randall. Sorry.

Wally: Vermin, that is not meant to be eaten!

Vermin: You never know until you've eaten it!

Wally: I'm sorry I killed you, Fidgit!

Kevin: What are we going to do here?

Wally: A robbery.

Kevin: A robbery?

Fidgit: Of course. We're international criminals. We do robberies!

Randall: Shut up!

Robin Hood: You enjoy robbing then?

Wally: Well it helps pay the rent, Sir.

Robin Hood: Ha ha ha ha. Jolly good. Ha ha ha.

Wally: Lads! Here's to stinking rich!

All: Yeah!

Fidgit: And to Kevin.

All: Yeah, Kevin!

Og: Stinking Kevin.

Wally: Suppose you're going through some kind of hell in your own life, well you would love to know if friends have experience similar things. But we just don't dare to ask each other.

Andre: No, It would be like asking your friend to drop his role.

Wally: I've lived in this city all my life. I grew up on the Upper East Side. And when I was ten years old, I was rich, I was an aristocrat. Riding around in taxis, surrounded by comfort, and all I thought about was art and music. Now, I'm 36, and all I think about is money.

[Upon entering the restaurant]

Wally: I was beginning to realize that the only way to make this evening bearable, would be to ask Andre a few questions. Asking questions always relaxes me. In fact, I sometimes think that my secret profession is that I'm a private investigator, a detective. I always enjoy finding out about people. Even if they are in absolute agony, I always find it very interesting.

Andre: What does it do to us, Wally, living in an environment where something as massive as the seasons or winter or cold, don't in any way affect us? I mean, were animals after all. I mean... what does that mean? I think that means that instead of living under the sun and the moon and the sky and the stars, we're living in a fantasy world of our own making.

Wally: Yeah, but I mean, I would never give up my electric blanket, Andre. I mean, because New York is cold in the winter. I mean, our apartment is cold! It's a difficult environment. I mean, our life is tough enough as it is. I'm not looking for ways to get rid of a few things that provide relief and comfort. I mean, on the contrary, I'm looking for more comfort because the world is very abrasive. I mean, I'm trying to protect myself because, really, there's these abrasive beatings to be avoided everywhere you look!

Andre: But, Wally, don't you see that comfort can be dangerous? I mean, you like to be comfortable and I like to be comfortable too, but comfort can lull you into a dangerous tranquility.

[last lines]

Wally: [going home in a taxicab] I treated myself to a taxi. I rode home through the city streets. There wasn't a street, there wasn't a building, that wasn't connected to some memory in my mind. There, I was buying a suit with my father. There, I was having an ice cream soda after school. And when I finally came in, Debbie was home from work, and I told her everything about my dinner with Andre.

Andre: Our minds are just focused on these goals and plans, which in themselves are not reality.

Wally: Goals and plans are not... they're fantasy. They're part of a dream-life.

Wally: I'm adequate to *do* any sort of a task, but I'm not adequate just to *be* a human being.

[first lines]

Wally: The life of a playwright is tough. It's not easy as some people seem to think. You work hard writing plays and nobody puts them on. You take up other lines of work to try to make a living. I became an actor and people don't hire you. So, you just spend your days doing the errands of your trade.

Wally: That trip is going to be successful or unsuccessful based on the state of the airplane and the state of the pilot, and the cookie is in no position to know about that.

Bill Pardy: Two nights ago, a mare was stolen from this property owned by Fitzgibbon, that rancher with the cleft palate.

Wally: [mutters to Margaret] I know that guy, he looks like a chipmunk.

Bill Pardy: Your momma wasn't too proud when you came out neither, Wally.

Wally: [referring to his crush on Starla] I'm surprised you're able to lift a mug, you've been carrying that torch for so long.

Bill Pardy: Oh, that reminds me. There's something I wanted to tell you.

Wally: What's that?

Bill Pardy: Fuck you, fatass.

Wally: Like finding a needle in a fuck-stack.

Bill Pardy: [Looking at the disemboweled dog] I reckon Grant ain't got one of them puppy calendars on his desk. Just don't strike me as a real dog lover is all.

Trevor: Hey!

[holds up the decapitated head of a dog]

Trevor: Look. Knocked this one's head clear on over here.

Wally: Put that down, numbnuts!

Wally: [Upon checkin at the cabin, the Ripleys are greeted by a snarling, barking dog whose face is filled with porcupine quills] Don't mind Wormer folks, she hates people.

[Dog still barking and snarling]

Wally: Wormer, shut the frig up! What can I do ya for?

Buck Ripley: What happened to that dog's, uh, dog's face?

Wally: Porcupine quills. Hates people, loves porcupines. She's in heat too. Too bad you're not a dog. What can I do ya for?

Wally: Know what a "loon" is, knucklehead?

Ben Ripley: Yeah, we have one in our family.

Capt. Braddock: Okay no more bullshit

Capt. Braddock: [to Dave, talking fast] was there or wasn't there a woman?

Dave: Are you serious?

Capt. Braddock: Yes I'm goddamn serious.

Dave: Fuzzy Wuzzy was a woman?

Capt. Braddock: What the hell is he taking about?

Wally: He reads lips. You're talking too fast.

Capt. Braddock: [to Dave, talking slowly] Was there... a wom-an... pres-ent?

Dave: [to Capt. Braddock, talking slowly] Yes. There was... a wom-an... pres-ent.

Capt. Braddock: Why is he talking like that?

Wally: [to Capt. Braddock, talking slowly] Because he's deaf... not stup-id.

Dave: Don't we get a last request?

Eve: What would you like?

Dave: Would you scratch my nose for me?

[Eve scratches his nose with a coin and then kisses him]

Dave: You're a very sick woman.

Eve: Thank you. Mr Karew, what would you you like?

Wally: I suppose a fuck is out of the question.

Eve: I'm afraid so.

[Dave doesn't hold up any fingers]

Dave: How many fingers am I holding up in front of your eyes right now?

Wally: Three!

Dave: That's good. That's pretty good, considering that he's blind.

Dave: [impersonating a European doctor] Tell me the first thing that pops into your brain.

Wally: Pussy!

Dave: It's amazing! This man is cured!

Wally: I hear prison isn't so bad if you like it up the butt.

Wally: Where are we?

Dave: Probably on our way to New Jersey by now.

Wally: No kidding! I got family in there! Do you wanna come with me?

Dave: Of course. You've earned my trust, Wally. You've been a very good friend to me these past couple days. You're always there for me. You never get me into trouble. Sometimes it seems a bit boring but that's a small price to pay for such a wonderful friendship.

Wally: That's beautiful, Dave. Do you mean everything you just said?

Dave: I'll tell you how I really feel in about a minute or two. Right now I'm a little overwhelmed by the STINK of the seven tons of garbage that you drove us into!

Wally: Is THAT what it is? I thought you let one go! That's why I didn't say anything!

Dave: That's very kind of you! Thank you!

Dave: You swear an awful lot.

Wally: You're fucking-A right!

Wally: These streets are bumpy.

Dave: You're driving on the sidewalk!

Dave: Wally! He could put a hole through your *head*, Wally!

Wally: *Fuck* him and his holes!

Adele: Why do you feel you have to pass for someone with 20/20 vision when you're blind as a bat?

Wally: I don't feel. I have to pass.

Adele: Yes, you do. It's a sickness in your brain, just like if you were trying to pass for white.

Wally: You mean I'm not white?

Wally: So, you're the fat fuck that runs this show!

Sutherland: Beautifully put, Mr. Karew. You're obviously a poet, a man after my own heart.

Dave: And then one day, my wife turned into this remarkable creature that could sit on the end of a broom stick and take off. She could actually achieve flight.

Wally: I think I was married to that woman once.

Dave: Small world.

Mitzie: [Dave and Wally are booking in at a hotel under false identities] Dr. Kesselring, we thought you might not make it. It says you had some trouble with your visa?

Dave: [faking a German accent] Yes, and zen suddenly dey accepted American Express. Go figure.

Wally: We don't go home without it.

Wally: [yelling in Dave's ear] Shazaam! Can you hear me?

Dave: Wally! I heard you! I heard your voice!

Wally: Hooray! You can hear me!

Dave: What?

Wally: You can hear me!

Dave: [shouts] No, schmuck, I'm deaf! I'm deaf! Now do you get it?

Medical Conference Attendee: [Addressing Wally, who is impersonating a Swedish gynecologist] Which exercise would you find most beneficial to geriatric sexuality?

Wally: [faking a Swedish accent] Oh, boy. Well, some of my patients prefer walking, some prefer bicycling. But for best results, to guarantee satisfaction, most of them like fucking. You know, poonta-poonta-poonta. I like it myself, you know. One in the morning, and late at night.

Adele: I think David got a little messed up.

Dave: What did she say?

Wally: She said she thinks you're an asshole!

Dave: Fucking-A. Something bothers you, fuck it. Your wife leaves you, fuck her. Your boss fires you, fuck him. Fucking-A. Fuckin'em. Right?

Wally: You're fucking right!

Dave: It's a gift to be able to do that.

Dave: [Wally is driving a stolen police car because Dave's hands are cuffed behind him] Don't look at me, look at the road!

Wally: [Shrugs and turns his head back toward the road] All right, if it'll make you feel better.

Dave: Who are you talking to?

Wally: I'm talking to you, you prick.

Dave: Why don't you look me in the eye and say that?

Wally: I would if I could but I can't, I'm blind.

Dave: You're blind?

Wally: Yes I'm blind, what are you fucking deaf?

Dave: Yes, I'm fucking deaf!

Wally: You're really deaf?

Dave: I'm really deaf.

Wally: Then how do you know what I'm saying?

Dave: Because I'm reading your lips now you want the job or not?

Wally: You look fine to me!

Ranch Wilder: I'd say the fans seem a little bouncier today, wouldn't you, Wally?

Wally: That's right, Ranch. As we saw last game...

Ranch Wilder: [Turns off Wally's mike for the second time] Easy Wally, less is more.

Hank Murphy: Ranch?

[Ranch turns to face him, grinning as though he supported the play]

Hank Murphy: You're fired.

[exits]

Ranch Wilder: You can't fire me! I have got a contract! I AM RANCH WILDER!

Wally: [cheerfully] Easy, Ranch. Less is more.

Wally: I can't believe it - he's got an angel!

Wally: Speaking of Doberman, can I please have another roommate?

Bilko: Why, what's wrong with Doberman?

Wally: He wet his bed!

Bilko: Oh, well, once in a while...

Wally: No, he did it from across the room.

[Bilko is playing golf on the army base]

Bilko: Twenty bucks says I can hit the parking lot.

Wally: I don't gamble.

Bilko: Well, what is it you *do* do?

Wally: Permission to speak freely...

Bilko: Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead!

Wally: I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life.

Bilko: Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?

Paparelli: He's gonna think of something. Remember that time I got the letter from my wife saying that she wanted to break up with me? Huh? Remember what Bilko did?

Wally: He got your wife back?

Paparelli: No, he got me another wife! A better wife!

[Morning. 'Reveille' plays over the loudspeakers]

Wally: Hey, Sarge! Get up! Hurry!

Bilko: [jumping out of bed with his sleeping mask still on] What's the matter? What's the matter? Everybody take cover! Gather all the men! Man the battle stations! And...

[pauses as he hears the reveille tune]

Bilko: What's that music?

Bilko: Hello, soldiers.

[they look around]

Bilko: I'm talking to you. Because that's what you are, really, soldiers. Every last one you with a couple of exceptions.

Paparelli: [whispering] He's got a plan.

Fender: [whispering] He sure does.

Bilko: I'm going to tell you a little story. There once was a little boy, and that little boy had a dream to run one of the most sophistocated, illegal gaming operations the United States Army has ever seen.

Zimmerman: [whispering] He's not worried.

Morales: [whispering] Not a bit.

Bilko: And that little boy's dream came true... but now,they're trying to snatch that dream *back* from him.

Zimmerman: [whispering] He's worried.

Morales: [whispering] It's not good.

Bilko: But what are the last two letters in the name Bilko? K-O! Of course the first few letters are B-I-L, which is meaningless. But still, am I giving up? No! Never! Well kind of, but not really, because there is *no way* I'm going to Greenland. Well, you are probably wondering if I have a plan. Well, of course I have a plan! A P-L-A-N - plan!

[spells "PALN" on the chalkboard]

Bilko: But, ha ha ha.

[begins crying]

Paparelli: [whispering] He's got no plan.

Morales: [whispering] We're screwed.

Wally: I have a plan, Sarge.

Bilko: But maybe, a plan is not what I really need. what I really need,

[gets down on knees]

Bilko: is just a little puppy.

[crying and interacting with an imaginary puppy]

Bilko: A little puppy with big brown eyes, who would just come to me and lick my face, and just love me so much no matter what kind of person I am.

Wally: You men are soldiers! Guardians of freedom! And frankly I don't think there's a man or woman here who's taken their service oath seriously!

Fender: You know what? I'm gonna kill him.

Bilko: Fender!

[as Fender tries to grab him, Wally uses martial arts skills to twist his arm and flip him over onto the floor]

Bilko: Now, this is the stuff they should be teaching in the Army.

Wally: They are.

Bilko: No kidding?

[Bilko is playing golf in the middle of the base]

Wally: Sarge, they let you do this?

Bilko: I never asked. They'd probably say no, it is an army post.

Wally: Permission to speak freely, Sarge.

Bilko: Permission? What, are we in Russia? Say anything you want.

[while Pando and Acko are playing chess]

Wally: Pando, your queen's in deep shit.

Acko: Shut your fucking mouth, Wally!

Wally: Doctor, why do those types

[motions with hands]

Wally: keep thinking that I'm one of them?

Psychiatrist: Well, Wally, because you *are* one of them. You are gay. You are gay. You are a homosexual. The opposite of straight, you're gay. I know it. Your family knows it. DOGS know it! Everyone seems to know it except you.

[after being brought home by the police]

Wally: There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.

Wally's wife: Please don't.

Wally: Well, I was out driving. 'Cause you know how much I love driving. When suddenly, I had to take the *biggest pee in the world*! So I went to this washroom...

[Wally's family goes inside and locks him out]

Wally: ...but it was full of those *types*! You know. QUEERS and QUEENIES and...

Drill sergeant: You... are... scum! Do you hear me soldier?

Wally: Yes, sir!

Drill sergeant: Do you know what we are going to be doing today?

Wally: No, sir!

Drill sergeant: We are going to be doing push-ups all day, you and me, all day!

[Wally smiles]

Drill sergeant: Do you think that's funny soldier?

Wally: No, sir!

Drill sergeant: Well, just for that, you are going to be doing those push-ups with me lying on your back! You are going to discover muscles, you never knew you had! Big... muscles, hard... muscles!

Wally: Oh, yesss, sir!

Wally: I am going to wait on a customer with no pants on. Tell me that isn't the coolest thing ever.

Wally: [to Ida] I hate all women. Thank goodness you're not one.

Wally: You know, this is a pretty big night for you.

Policeman #1: Yeah?

Wally: Yeah, lots of excitement. There's a stiff in there!

Policeman #1: Is that so? Oh and I suppose you were running right down to the station to report it?

Wally: [forced laugh]

Policeman #1: Yeah...

[to partner]

Policeman #1: Say, he say's there's a dead guy in the house.

Policeman #2: You never saw a deader.

Wally: There's something about the sound of my own voice that fascinates me.

Mildred: Wally, you should be kept on a leash! Now why can't you be friendly?

Wally: But I *am* being friendly!

Mildred: No, I mean it. Friendship's much more lasting than love.

Wally: Yeah, but it isn't as entertaining.

Mildred: Cut it out, Wally. You make me feel like Little Red Riding Hood.

Wally: And I'm the Big Bad Wolf, huh? Now, Milly, you've got me all wrong. I'm a romantic guy, but I'm no wolf.

Mildred: Then quit howling!

Wally: You know, you keep on refusing me, and one of these days I'm going to start thinking you're stubborn.

Wally: My client feels, and I am in complete accord with her, that she has been irrep - ih...

Mrs. Forrester's lawyer: 'Irreparably'?

Wally: ...unduly damaged. Therefore there is one more little formality that we should discuss first.

Mrs. Forrester's lawyer: What's that, Mr. Fay?

Wally: The financial settlement. You see, my client would like ten thousand dollars.

Mrs. Forrester's lawyer: I think I'm safe in observing that almost anyone would like ten thousand dollars, Mr. Fay. But ih -...

Wally: But ih - ?

Mrs. Forrester's lawyer: We see no necessity for a financial settlement of any kind.

Wally: You don't, huh?

Mrs. Forrester's lawyer: No.

Wally: [Smirk] You will.

Wally: Not too much ice in that drink you're about to make for me.

Wally: Oh boy! I'm so smart it's a disease!

Wally: I'm so smart, it's a disease.

Wally: What do you mean "gangsters"? It's business.

Wally: Have you ever played Death Quake?

Students: Ok... but you have to use a rubber!

Wally: ...so you'd better listen. There's only one way for a girl to get along in this town, and that's with a man - a rich man to help her, but she must keep a cool head. When you meet a man, never look him in the eye.

Marian Martin, aka Mrs. Moreland: No?

Wally: No. Take a peek at the pocket book.

[She glances at his right pocket]

Wally: . No, wrong number. And one other thing before you go' Find out all you can about them and never tell them anuthing. Men like to think they're Christopher Columbus discovering America.

Marian Martin, aka Mrs. Moreland: Well, I just thought you could give me some advice.

Wally: The East River is full of girls who took advice from men like me.

Wally: [From the train] Have a drink?

[Marian begins to leave]

Wally: Aw, don't go away. Looking out? Wrong Way! Get in and look out.

Marian Martin, aka Mrs. Moreland: [There is a gate blocking access to the train steps] Get in where? Oh, here?

Wally: Oh, anywhere... just in. Only rwo kinds of people... the ones in and the ones out.

Babs: Thanks. You're sure its alright?

Wally: Looks perfect to me.

Babs: I'd never forgive myself if I was out of commission for tonight.

Wally: Oh, that's alright. I don't care about dancing anyway.

Babs: Dancing? I'm on night duty, tonight.

Wally: Yeah, that's what I mean.

Babs: And if I wasn't, I'd be sleeping.

Wally: Gee, its wonderful the way you get all of my ideas.

[after the movie crew pick up Lewis in the desert]

Lewis Tater: You mean you guys ain't cowboys?

Howard Pike: Well, sure we're cowboys. Whaddaya suppose we are? Weasels?

Howard Pike: [points to Wally] Look at that guy's face, right there. Show him your profile, Wally. Now don't that look like a western type to you? That right there is a cowboy's face.

Wally: Reeks character. That's what they told me... reeks.