Joke quotes:

Send

Every Joke is a Tiny Revolution -- George Orwell
Jokes? There are no jokes. The truth is the funniest joke of all. -- Muhammad Ali
Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck. -NATALIE -- Kresley Cole
I Take Life Very Seriously: One Joke At A Time. -- Sandra Chami Kassis
Joke in book:"You know the difference between a brownnoser and a shithead, right? Depth perception. -- Elisabeth Naughton
Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet. -- Robin Williams
I used to have this joke: 'Every hallway is a runway.' -- Tyra Banks
I am a pacifist, but be aware that I also carry a gun. -- M.F. Moonzajer
A caricature is putting the face of a joke on the body of a truth. -- Joseph Conrad
Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us. -- Joan Rivers
Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke. -- John Krasinski
Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere. -- Jeff Ross
My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life. -- Sarah
When you slip on a banana peel, people laugh at you; but when you tell people you slipped on a banana peel, it's your laugh. So you become the hero rather than the victim of the joke. -- Nora Ephron
In Japan, you have no idea what they are saying, and they can't help you either. Nothing makes any sense. They're very polite, but you feel like a joke is being played on you the entire time you're there. -- Bill Murray
If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you. -- Wanda Sykes
Sometimes I can't think of a better way to end my day than coming home and just strumming my ukulele for a few minutes. I mean, I joke around and tell people that it's an entire yoga session in one strum, you know? -- Jake Shimabukuro
I'm a diplomat by nature. I help find the middle ground. I crack a joke and use humour to help resolve potentially vicious situations quickly. It gets things in perspective and helps everyone to see that things aren't as bad as they seem. -- Ronnie Wood
A rumor that followed me forever was that my family was in the mafia. For years I had to live with it. They'd call me the mafia princess, so I rolled with it for the rest of high school. People even joke about it today. -- Giuliana Rancic
When you're in the editing room, the dangerous thing is that it becomes like telling a joke again and again and again. Eventually, the joke starts to not be funny. So you have to be careful that you're not throwing the baby out with the bath water. -- Ridley Scott
People always joke that 'dog' spells 'god' backwards. They should consider that it might be the higher power coming down to see just how well they do, what kind of people they are. The animals are right here, right in front of us. And how we treat these companions is a test. -- Linda Blair
I worked at a hot dog place, a bagel place, the Jersey Store and the hottest fashion joint around. I was getting too famous to work there anymore. I was almost showing up as a joke. I made $2,000 on my show the previous night and I'm going to go shopping during my five-hour shift. -- Wale
I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. -- David Sedaris
If I just do everything the opposite of what my dad did, I think that will make things pretty easy. I can joke about it now because I'm past that stage where it used to hurt. By having a kid, it's gone. I could take all that negative energy that I had and put it in a positive way. -- Derrick Rose
I want someone that I can have fun with and laugh with. I love to laugh, and I'm really sarcastic, so it's important that she can take a joke. I think if you are going to be with someone for a while, you really need someone you can let loose with and let go of all the stress of the day. -- Matt Lanter
The fine line between roaring with laughter and crying because it's a disaster is a very, very fine line. You see a chap slip on a banana skin in the street and you roar with laughter when he falls slap on his backside. If in doing so you suddenly see he's broken a leg, you very quickly stop laughing and it's not a joke anymore. -- Roald Dahl
I'm looking for laughs, you know? If it take me to flip over a table, if I have to go physical comedy, I will do it. But whatever the joke needs at that particular time, is where I'm dedicated to. I'm not into beating somebody down and beating myself up. I don't do insults and things like that. I don't do it - I'm a storyteller. -- Bernie Mac
For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Nature never jests. -- Albrecht von Haller
Happy endings. *Groan* -- Carla H. Krueger
I'm financially ugly. -- Rea Lidde
Story telling is joke telling. -- Andrew Stanton
Chuck Norris CAN understand women. -- Oliver Oliver Reed
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg. -- Oliver Oliver Reed
Will slams poems; I slam doors. -- Colleen Hoover
Llevamos el circo en la sangre. -- Carlos Ruiz Zafon
Chuck Norris can divide by zero. -- Oliver Oliver Reed
When a joker dies, the joke remains. -- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy. -- Oliver Oliver Reed
Told you to get him a bell. -- Mora Early
Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck. -- Anonymous.
-I am alergic to these flowers.-I know. -- Non know
An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline. -- Criss Jami
Time is ticking, and your online twinkling is limited. -- Santosh Kalwar
I was not born with English in my pocket. -- Santosh Kalwar
Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public. -- Oliver Oliver Reed
If life is a joke, let us play it. -- Santosh Kalwar
The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself. -- Friedrich Schiller
Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman! -- Oliver Oliver Reed
Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes. -- Oliver Oliver Reed
Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum. -- Oliver Oliver Reed
UFO is a joke when there ain't mystery in the sky. -- Toba Beta
What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle. -- Joseph Rosenbloom
What did the zombie say to the whore? Keep the tip! -- Diana Rowland
Happiness is a big joke; let us laugh at it loud. -- Santosh Kalwar
When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok. -- Oliver Oliver Reed
My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up. -- Randy Kagan
One should avoid carrying out an experiment requiring more than 10 per cent accuracy. -- Walther Nernst
This is a wonderful joke to play upon a prisoner, to promise forgiveness. -- Kate DiCamillo
Sometimes you feel as though you've slandered yourself, but the joke's on them. -- Criss Jami
I never stopped joking around long enough to realize you weren't laughing anymore. -- Alexandra Potter
There is no better taste than this: someone else's laughter in your mouth. -- Maggie Stiefvater
It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one. -- Rick Riordan
You are where your brain is but not where a front-page headline is. -- Santosh Kalwar
--
John Locke invented common sense, and only Englishmen have had it ever since! -- Bertrand Russell
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense. -- Lex Martin
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense. -- Lex Martin
life isnt measure by how many breathes u take.... its measured in yrs XD -- abeclipse
In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke. -- Hermann Hesse
C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?Out of the way. - Marigold -- Jean Ferris
What is the meaning of having more than one wife when threesome is not allowed? -- M.F. Moonzajer
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. -- Honore de Balzac
Anyone else find it funny that Bernie Madoff's last name is a homophone of 'made-off'? -- David C. Holley
Life's too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly. -- Jarod Kintz
Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody. -- Criss Jami
For the advice in a joke is sometimes more useful than the most serious teaching. -- Baltasar Gracian
I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am. -- Gustave Eiffel
Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick. -- Raymond Carver
If u want to work in Corporate, then u should know how to play Chess. -- honeya
I'm a Neuroscientist.- What's that? What do you study?- I study your brain! -- Vardan Hambardzumyan
Just don't ask me to deliver any more satyr babies and we'll get along great. -- Rick Riordan
If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister. -- Oliver Oliver Reed
The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact. -- G.K. Chesterton
If you have a problem with me, it is OK, because Mullah Omar does too. -- M.F. Moonzajer
A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar. -- Tommy Cooper
If a black black cat crosses your path, it suggests that the animal is going somewhere. -- M.K. Bhutta
Perhaps you are Coyote in disguise and have chosen a spectacularly inappropriate time for a joke. -- Brandon Nolta
It's just that I was thinking you don't ride in that truck of yours, you wear it. -- Stephen King
My old man taught me to never trust anything that bleeds for three days and doesn't die. -- Tommy Tran
WHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?Ah. I see we are now into the second movement of the Nakamura Suite in G-Minor! -- Kevin Sylvester
Asia is an entertainment, Europe is a dream, America is an imprisonment and Rest is a nightmare. -- Santosh Kalwar
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him. -- Oliver Oliver Reed
It's unpleasantly like being drunk." "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "You ask a glass of water. -- Douglas Adams
Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside. -- Oliver Oliver Reed
But that's why you pay for insurance, right? If you never file a claim, then they've beaten you. -- Jonathan Tropper
I made a joke today, and I made it out of pennies. It was a very poor joke. -- Jarod Kintz
Don't let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly. -- Michael Bassey Johnson
You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines. -- S.A. Tawks
Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's. -- Jonathan Tropper
Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke. -- Joss Whedon
-a Jew had to have two synagogues. One that he went to, one that he rejected.The Butcher's Theater -- Jonathan Kellerman
Puns are just another form of sarcasm, which may or may not make you - smile, giggle, or laugh. -- Aniruddha Sastikar
We end up kissing her for an hour, and her lips are so soft they are almost like a joke. -- Aimee Bender
Trying to be offensive for the sole purpose of being offensive should always deem one the least offensive of offenders. -- Criss Jami
People tell me I look like my father. I've never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible? -- Jarod Kintz
It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head. -- Criss Jami
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?""Why?" she asked, wrinkling her nose."For being outstanding in his field. -- Jennifer E. Smith
We often hear that mathematics consists mainly of 'proving theorems.' Is a writer's job mainly that of 'writing sentences? -- Gian-Carlo Rota
Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u.. -- honeya
Sometimes When You Are Serious, People Thought You Were Joking, But Sometimes When You Are Joking, People Thought You Were Serious -- Harry Toh Jun Shen
Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man. -- Louis C. K.
That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs. -- Kasey Collin P. Dumdum
. . . I still wouldn't be able to control myself around him, and I'm math geek enough to know that equation doesn't work out. -- Robin Brande
Or maybe it was just that my life was a big, cruel joke, and there was no escape from the punch line. -- Stephenie Meyer
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one. -- Oliver Oliver Reed
What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun! -- Ana Claudia Antunes
If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. -- Marcus Brigstocke
I was smiling yesterday,I am smiling today and I will smile tomorrow.Simply because life is too short to cry for anything. -- Santosh Kalwar

Send