Joan Rivers quotes:

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  • I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

  • Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

  • My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

  • Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

  • With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.

  • Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

  • I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

  • People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

  • Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

  • I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

  • I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

  • Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

  • You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite.

  • There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

  • When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.

  • Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

  • Never floss with a stranger.

  • I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.

  • My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

  • I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

  • I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

  • Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

  • Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

  • Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

  • Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.

  • I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.

  • Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

  • Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.

  • I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?

  • I hate reality shows that are not reality.

  • I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

  • It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

  • It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

  • I am furious about everything.

  • When you whisper about something, it's too big, and you can't get it under control and take control of it.

  • I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.

  • As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

  • Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.

  • What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

  • I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

  • Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

  • All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

  • I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

  • Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

  • When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.

  • Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.

  • Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

  • I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

  • I love the Internet, and I love that you can say whatever you want.

  • I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

  • I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.

  • Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

  • Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.

  • I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.

  • I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

  • I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit.

  • All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.

  • I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.

  • The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

  • Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

  • Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

  • I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.

  • Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

  • I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very well.

  • Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

  • At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

  • I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.

  • She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

  • Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

  • I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

  • My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

  • I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.

  • The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.

  • Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.

  • Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride"...

  • I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck

  • My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

  • A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: 'Run your own race, put on your blinders.'

  • No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.

  • And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

  • My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

  • Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

  • You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

  • My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

  • Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

  • I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.

  • You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

  • Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

  • Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

  • It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.

  • Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

  • Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.

  • I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

  • I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

  • She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

  • Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!

  • My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

  • Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

  • The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

  • A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

  • Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

  • You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

  • Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!

  • Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.

  • The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

  • I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

  • My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

  • I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me 'sir'.

  • I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays

  • I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

  • The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

  • I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.

  • I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

  • I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

  • She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

  • No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

  • I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

  • I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

  • My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

  • But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.

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