Skip Collins Quotes in Eulogy (2004)

Fred Collins: [about to set his grandfather's casket on fire] Dad! Lighter!

Skip Collins: Be careful, guys. I love this lighter.

Skip Collins: Don't worry. Don't worry about Alice, she? you think she's gone, she comes back. You know, like herpes.

Judy: Thanks, Skip.

Aunt Lily: Where did they even hear the term 'Erotic Cheesecake'?

Skip Collins: Hey, somebody's gotta teach them these things, right?

Aunt Lily: What things? That you can make a cheesecake look like disembodied breasts?

Skip Collins: ...Or an ass...

[last lines]

Skip Collins: [at wedding] It's not a dirty joke. It's not a dirty joke! Just let people...

Alice Collins: [trying to grab the microphone]

Skip Collins: These two gym teachers walk into a hardware store...

Alice Collins: [finally gets the microphone away from him]

Skip Collins: You don't throw a lemon at me in front of a lesbian!

Skip Collins: This is why your mother left us.

Ted Collins: She was a hack.

Fred Collins: I've seen better moms on TV.

Skip Collins: Guys, c'mon.We've got this funeral

Ted Collins: Grandpa's not going anywhere

Skip Collins: Get in the car!

Skip Collins: Hey, Elvis killed himself because someone was gonna write a book about his underwear wrestling.

Skip Collins: [Lucy and Alice are rolling on the floor, fighting. Skip is watching with interest] Okay okay, that's almost enough!

Daniel Collins: Hey, did we have a blackout last night?

Kate Collins: That's what I heard.

Skip Collins: Yeah, we sure did. I couldn't even find my room.

[Lucy smacks him with a newspaper]

Skip Collins: What?

Lucy Collins: You found my room all right.

Skip Collins: It was dark.

Lucy Collins: So you hid in my closet? With your *kids*?

Skip Collins: [shouts] We were lost!

Lucy Collins: [Lucy and Judy enter the house]

[to Judy]

Lucy Collins: You remember Skip?

Judy: Yeah.

Lucy Collins: And the boys Tim and Jim, right?

Skip Collins: Yeah, close enough.

Judy: Hi guys, I'm uh, I'm Lucy's life partner.

Fred Collins: [Together with Ted] Lesbians.

Ted Collins: [Together with Fred] Lesbians.

Skip Collins: Pop loved poetry.

Kate Collins: He did.

Skip Collins: Yeah. All the ones about Nantucket.

Skip Collins: I think his favorite was about a little handicapped girl. There once was a girl who was crippled, by the weight of her overgrown nipple.

Skip Collins: Dearest Judge...

Judge: Excuse me?

Skip Collins: My client...

[whispering]

Skip Collins: name?

Lace: Oh, um, Lace.

Skip Collins: Miss Lace, was engaged in a consensual servicing of an entrapable member...

Judge: Are you an attorney?

Skip Collins: [smiles] Touche, your highness.

Skip Collins: That's try not to be the biggest freaks in the circus.

Ted Collins: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Fred Collins: He wants us to say 'No thank you' instead of 'Eat my ass Jello'.

Daniel Collins: Go talk to your mother.

Skip Collins: You talk to her, alright? She's a downer.

Daniel Collins: She's a widow.

Skip Collins: She was a downer first.

Skip Collins: When I die I want to be cremated, and ashes mixed with the ink that the government uses to print money. Yeah. Then I'll be everywhere.

Skip Collins: My pop never told me. He never told me... How much he...

Fred Collins: Stop.

Skip Collins: What?

Ted Collins: You were going to say the L word.

Skip Collins: I just...

Ted Collins: Dad, we know how you feel. Don't cheapen it with words.