Lucy Collins Quotes in Eulogy (2004)

Alice Collins: [referring to Judy, Lucy's girlfriend] I really can't believe you brought her.

Lucy Collins: Hello, Alice.

Alice Collins: No, it's just, I thought you'd come alone. It's family.

Lucy Collins: Are you starting already?

Alice Collins: Oh, no, no, no. Its just it didn't occur to me to bring my sex toy. Did you bring any sex toys?

Lucy Collins: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina.

Kate Collins: I'm sorry about Grandpa.

Lucy Collins: Oh, Katie! Nobody blames you!

Lucy Collins: [Alice is in the front seat reminiscing and laughing with Samantha, Lucy scornfully mocks her sister from the back seat] Oh, look at how silly and normal I can act when I'm not persecuting my sister!

[laughs insincerely to mock Alice]

Daniel Collins: Hey, did we have a blackout last night?

Kate Collins: That's what I heard.

Skip Collins: Yeah, we sure did. I couldn't even find my room.

[Lucy smacks him with a newspaper]

Skip Collins: What?

Lucy Collins: You found my room all right.

Skip Collins: It was dark.

Lucy Collins: So you hid in my closet? With your *kids*?

Skip Collins: [shouts] We were lost!

Kate Collins: Hey, hey, hey! You guys! Could one of you *please* tell me one nice thing I can say about your dead father

Lucy Collins: [after a long pause] He often called me Andrea for no reason.

Daniel Collins: I was Barry.

Lucy Collins: This is bullshit.

Judy: Luce...

Lucy Collins: No! I'm sorry, screw her!

Judy: Come on, Luce...

Lucy Collins: No! Don't! She has made a business out of persecuting me and I'm supposed to sit here, at my father's funeral, and watch her fuck-sing at Samantha?

[shouts]

Lucy Collins: Screw that!

Lucy Collins: [Lucy and Judy enter the house]

[to Judy]

Lucy Collins: You remember Skip?

Judy: Yeah.

Lucy Collins: And the boys Tim and Jim, right?

Skip Collins: Yeah, close enough.

Judy: Hi guys, I'm uh, I'm Lucy's life partner.

Fred Collins: [Together with Ted] Lesbians.

Ted Collins: [Together with Fred] Lesbians.

Lucy Collins: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina.

Alice Collins: My vagina, as you are so whimsically about to refer to it, has served as sacred passage, for three anatomically correct children, so...

Fred Collins: Bad image.

Ted Collins: [hits head twice] Erase, erase.

Doctor: We pumped your mother's stomach.

Alice Collins: Yeah, it was an accident.

Lucy Collins: How did she accidentally chug half a bottle of sleeping pills.

Alice Collins: [to the doctor] She was cleaning them up.

Lucy Collins: With her mouth?

Lucy Collins: [Asking Doctor about suicidal mother] When can we take her home?

Doctor: Well just overnight then tomorrow I'll sign her out and you can take her home.

Alice Collins: Well, I think could you keep her. For another day just to be safe.

Lucy Collins: [to Alice] Oh. My. God.

Alice Collins: Bite me.

Lucy Collins: What're you laughing at?

Ted Collins: I don't know.

Fred Collins: But I can't wait to find out what you two vageniuses are up to.

Judy: What did you just say?

Ted Collins: Lez vocab word!

Lucy Collins: [to Judy] What did he just call us?

Judy: Vageniuses.

Fred Collins: It's a compound compliment.