Fred Collins Quotes in Eulogy (2004)

Fred Collins: [about to set his grandfather's casket on fire] Dad! Lighter!

Skip Collins: Be careful, guys. I love this lighter.

Fred Collins: What the hell is that?

Aunt Lily: It's your birthday cake. I was hoping it would be a surprise.

Ted Collins: I'm more than surprised. I'm shocked!

Fred Collins: This isn't what we ordered.

Aunt Lily: You don't *order* your mother. I spent two days making...

Ted Collins: We *ordered* an erotic cheesecake.

Aunt Lily: Excuse me?

Ted Collins: You're excused.

Judy: [on the couch reading, sees Ted and Fred] Yes, boys?

Fred Collins: Can we help you with anything?

Ted Collins: Maybe intern with you?

Judy: [pauses and stares] You can rub my feet if you want.

[sticks foot in the air]

Skip Collins: This is why your mother left us.

Ted Collins: She was a hack.

Fred Collins: I've seen better moms on TV.

Lucy Collins: [Lucy and Judy enter the house]

[to Judy]

Lucy Collins: You remember Skip?

Judy: Yeah.

Lucy Collins: And the boys Tim and Jim, right?

Skip Collins: Yeah, close enough.

Judy: Hi guys, I'm uh, I'm Lucy's life partner.

Fred Collins: [Together with Ted] Lesbians.

Ted Collins: [Together with Fred] Lesbians.

Lucy Collins: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina.

Alice Collins: My vagina, as you are so whimsically about to refer to it, has served as sacred passage, for three anatomically correct children, so...

Fred Collins: Bad image.

Ted Collins: [hits head twice] Erase, erase.

Skip Collins: That's try not to be the biggest freaks in the circus.

Ted Collins: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Fred Collins: He wants us to say 'No thank you' instead of 'Eat my ass Jello'.

Ted Collins: So, what'd he leave us?

Charlotte Collins: Your grandfather's will won't be read until after the funeral.

Fred Collins: Talk about being early.

Ted Collins: If I ever...

Fred Collins: Single bullet...

Ted Collins: Through my left eye...

Lucy Collins: What're you laughing at?

Ted Collins: I don't know.

Fred Collins: But I can't wait to find out what you two vageniuses are up to.

Judy: What did you just say?

Ted Collins: Lez vocab word!

Lucy Collins: [to Judy] What did he just call us?

Judy: Vageniuses.

Fred Collins: It's a compound compliment.

Skip Collins: My pop never told me. He never told me... How much he...

Fred Collins: Stop.

Skip Collins: What?

Ted Collins: You were going to say the L word.

Skip Collins: I just...

Ted Collins: Dad, we know how you feel. Don't cheapen it with words.

Lee Wilson: Now you have made a mess of things. You know Ford can't sing a note!

Gene Autry: Don't blame me, blame Collins.

Lee Wilson: Oh, I could ring his neck for this!

Fred Collins: [Collins enters] They're clamoring for an encore, Mr. Ford. Will you do another song?

Gene Autry: I'd be glad to.

Fred Collins: He's a sensation, and you've got me to thank for it!

Lee Wilson: Thanks.