Alice Collins Quotes in Eulogy (2004)

Ted Collins: Thanks, but, uh, I've already had my mucous course for the day.

Alice Collins: Listen, you shut your spit-cave you foul-mouthed little shit-fucker before I beat the living snot out of you.

[last lines]

Skip Collins: [at wedding] It's not a dirty joke. It's not a dirty joke! Just let people...

Alice Collins: [trying to grab the microphone]

Skip Collins: These two gym teachers walk into a hardware store...

Alice Collins: [finally gets the microphone away from him]

Alice Collins: This isn't about you so.

Judy: Are you talking to the sex toy?

Alice Collins: I'm sure you're a very nice lesbian. Is that the preferred term?

Judy: No, no. We prefer whore.

Alice Collins: [referring to Judy, Lucy's girlfriend] I really can't believe you brought her.

Lucy Collins: Hello, Alice.

Alice Collins: No, it's just, I thought you'd come alone. It's family.

Lucy Collins: Are you starting already?

Alice Collins: Oh, no, no, no. Its just it didn't occur to me to bring my sex toy. Did you bring any sex toys?

Lucy Collins: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina.

Alice Collins: [Alice's mom comes back from the hospital after trying to kill herself, she enters the house] Hi, Mother, try it again and I'll kill you myself.

Lucy Collins: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina.

Alice Collins: My vagina, as you are so whimsically about to refer to it, has served as sacred passage, for three anatomically correct children, so...

Fred Collins: Bad image.

Ted Collins: [hits head twice] Erase, erase.

Doctor: We pumped your mother's stomach.

Alice Collins: Yeah, it was an accident.

Lucy Collins: How did she accidentally chug half a bottle of sleeping pills.

Alice Collins: [to the doctor] She was cleaning them up.

Lucy Collins: With her mouth?

Lucy Collins: [Asking Doctor about suicidal mother] When can we take her home?

Doctor: Well just overnight then tomorrow I'll sign her out and you can take her home.

Alice Collins: Well, I think could you keep her. For another day just to be safe.

Lucy Collins: [to Alice] Oh. My. God.

Alice Collins: Bite me.

Alice Collins: I suppose I owe you an apology...

Judy: ...Are you working up to it?

Alice Collins: It won't work. Everyone knows that the only gay relationships that last are the ones between people of the same height.

Alice Collins: I'm sorry, I live in the real world. I work hard at raising a decent family. You don't see me prancing around in my pajamas all day, starting up pillow fights with my topless girlfriend...

Kate Collins: ...What are we talking about?