Roy Quotes in Vice (2015)

Roy: [to Julian] You think that if people could commit any crime they could think of, they could get it out of their system?... These people get a taste, and they can't get enough.

Roy: Guys, do whatever you want to the kid, but that's my watch you're holding.

Fagin #1: Well, there's a load of us, and only two of you, so piss off!

Roy: Easy fellas, you lost one war this way, don't make the same mistake twice.

Roy: Look at you!

Chon Wang: Look at you!

Roy: What brings you to New York?

Chon Wang: My share of the gold.

Roy: Refresh my memory. What gold are we talking about?

Roy: So what did your dad do? Was he an imperial guard?

Chon Wang: No, much more important. He was the Keeper of the Imperial Seal.

Roy: That's what I love about China. Everybody's job description sounds so damn cool!

[after opening the puzzle box]

Roy: It's just a rock with some gibberish on it!

Chon Wang: It's Chinese!

Roy: Roy O'Bannon will not go quietly. You hear that, England? Throw whatever you want at me! Your terrible weather! Your perverted killers! Your Spotted Dick!

Roy: Hey, Rathbone! I was just thinking of a title for my new book. "Roy O'Bannon vs. Little Lord Sissy." Or how about "Roy O'Bannon versus the Man who would be Queen?"

Server: Spotted dick, sir?

Roy: What?

Server: Spotted dick?

Roy: Can you believe this guy? I'm trying to get something to eat and he's asking me if I got the clap.

Roy: So what are we gonna do? Come on, think! I'm not going to an English prison. With my feathery blond hair and Chon's athletic build, they'll try to make us the bell of the ball.

Roy: You got any ideas?

[looks down]

Chon Wang: We jump.

Roy: Jump?

[pauses]

Roy: You mean fall?

Chon Wang: Who would leave a pile of stones in the middle of a field?

Roy: I don't know, Chon, these people are nuts.

Prostitute: [trying to woo Roy] I'll give you a discount.

Roy: That's the most romantic thing a woman has ever said to me.

Chon Wang: The English are not very friendly.

Roy: They're just sore losers.

Chon Wang: What did they lose?

Roy: A little thing called the American Revolution, Chon.

Chon Wang: Never heard of it.

Roy: I'll give you the highlights. They came over with about a million men. We had a bunch of farmers with pitchforks and beat 'em like a drum.

Roy: [as it starts raining] Oh, this country blows.

Doyle: I think you gentlemen should accompany me back to the Yard.

[Cut to Roy and Chon in a cell at Scotland Yard]

Roy: This isn't a yard! It's a JAIL!

[why Chon should sleep with the woman for money]

Roy: Think about your sister in London.

Chon Wang: What?

Chon Wang: It's a puzzle box. I don't know how to open it.

Roy: What do you mean, you don't know how to open it? You just get a hammer and smash it open so you can see what it says.

Chon Wang: No. I must have patience. By the time I'm able to open it, I will be ready to read the message.

Roy: Oh, come on, Confucius, that's the corniest thing I've ever heard!

Roy: I call that my kung pow chicken.

Chon Wang: We are wasting time.

Roy: What do you think I've been doing? Sittin' here and drinking expensive hooch?

[to Charlie]

Roy: Boy, refill.

Roy: And just to set the record straight... Roy O'Bannon is not attracted to loose women; loose women are attracted to me.

Roy: I'm a thirty year old waiter/gigolo. Where's the future in that?

Chon Wang: For father.

Chon Lin: For father.

Roy: For Old Man Wang.

Roy: Hey, Chon, you're lucky I didn't invest in that ridiculous "auto-mobile" idea. Yeah, that's gonna make a lot of money.

Roy: There's this new thing they're starting out in California: moving pictures. There's no sound, so we won't have to worry about the language problem, and I think the kung fu stuff could be huge! People are dying for a good action flick.

Chon Wang: Chon Wang...

[sounds like "John Wayne"]

Chon Wang: ...movie star? It could work.

Roy: [about Lin] Put her down! Put her down!

Lord Rathbone: Or what, Mr. O'Bannon?

[American accent]

Lord Rathbone: Are you gonna kick my ass?

[normal voice]

Lord Rathbone: I've read about all your ridiculous exploits. I mean, just, how does it feel to kill a mummy with your bare hands? Only a nation of uneducated rednecks would be amused by such cowboy drivel.

Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy. What's with the personal attacks? You don't see me making any comments about your pasty complexion or your snotty accent, or even your filthy, smutty sex books! Yeah, I saw your book. It disgusted me...

[Wu Chow whacks him on the side of the head with a cane]

Roy: AH! Why is it always the head with you people?

Chon Wang: Roy! The painting! It's looking at me!

Roy: Oh yeah, it looks like it's looking at me too. That's great.

[Roy sees the eyes in the painting move]

Roy: Ah! Chon! Demons!

Roy: She's gonna fight my battles for me.

Chon Wang: Roy! There you are. Need anything, buddy?

Roy: A whole lot of "leave me alone."

Roy: You just smashed my puzzle box. I'll never figure out my message.

Roy: Chon, I have a confession to make.

Chon Wang: You are in love with my sister?

Roy: Well, that, but I didn't lose all the money on the zeppelins.

Chon Wang: No?

Roy: Nah. I blew most of it on the Roy O'Bannon novels. I wrote them.

Chon Wang: No, Sage McCallister wrote them.

Roy: That's what I'm saying, buddy. I'm Sage McCallister.

Chon Wang: You wrote those lies?

Roy: I've always had low self-esteem.

Chon Wang: How many books did you print?

Roy: I self-published probably a million copies. We were actually second to the Bible that year.

Roy: Lord, help me. Just let me know you're there. Love me, hate me, but let me know you're up there.

[pause]

Roy: Hey, I can see our hotel from here. Wow.

Roy: Roy, you're about to die. You're on the minute hand of a clock. My life is flashing before my eyes. Wait a minute. I don't remember her.

Roy: [Seeing the Imperial Seal] That diamond is as big as a damn monkey's paw.

Chon Wang: Roy, don't even think about it.

Roy: Just admiring the craftsmanship, Chon.

Roy: Just go ahead and drown me! I don't care anymore!

[Wang is trying to save Roy who is tied up under water. All we can hear are their garbled voices. Subtitles appear on screen]

Roy: Where have you been?

Chon Wang: I was busy.

Roy: Unbelievable!

Chon Wang: Patience, Roy.

Roy: Tell that to the eel swimming up my ass!

Roy: [to a palace guard] The queen, look, the queen! She's mooning us!

Roy: [line in outtakes] And, Jackie? I'm not Roy O'Bannon.

Roy: Ok, Chon, ya little Chinese otter. Let's play.

Charlie Chaplin: [reading an invitation] "Lord Nelson Rathbone requests the pleasure of your company at a gala affair celebrating her Majesty's 50th year on the throne."

Chon Wang: Sounds good.

Roy: Yeah, it doesn't address the issue of security. They're not just gonna let me and Chon waltz into the castle.

Charlie Chaplin: All you need is a proper disguise.

Roy: I do like a good disguise...

Roy: That's a terrible name for a detective. Sherlock Holmes?

Roy: [in London] Hey, I'm walking here! You're driving on the wrong side of the road! Bunch of amateurs, these people don't get it!

Roy: I'm gettin' ready to launch a little thing called operation sweep her off her feet.

Roy: [to Chon Lin] You have a GREAT body. There! I said it! It's out in the open!

Roy: Ooooh... You think you're so cool with your karate... and your child-like reflexes!

Chon Wang: I look like a fool.

Roy: What? You're a Maharajah! That's Indian royalty!

Chon Wang: But I'm Chinese.

Roy: It's the same thing.

Roy: I see a lot of myself in that kid. It's kinda freakin' me out.

Chon Wang: Wu Chow!

Roy: Wu who?

Chon Wang: If you break her heart, I break your legs.

Roy: That's fair.

Roy: You decadent Philistine!

Roy: I'm guessing by your hasty retreat, that you're still 20th in line for the throne.

Lord Rathbone: [irritated] 10th!

Roy: [after waking up to a sheep licking his face] I've just been violated by a barnyard animal, John!

Chon Lin: [after kissing Roy] Be careful.

Roy: Tell Rathbone to be careful!

Chon Wang: What do you see?

Roy: He just pulled a fancy dragon key out of his desk.

Chon Wang: That was my father's! I must avenge his honor.

Roy: Slow down, Tiger. Slow down. Quit going all Chinese on me.

Roy: Damnit, Chon. Remember your puzzle box. Patience, patience!

Roy: Wait, there's something different about this room.

Chon Wang: Slow down, slow down!

Roy: I'm a bat out of hell! Besides, I don't know where the brake is.

Roy: Can I tell you something?

Chon Wang: What?

Roy: This is a hell of a damn adventure we're on and I'm having an absolute ball with you.

Doyle: You look ridiculous.

Roy: I think we look good.

[to Charlie]

Roy: I am gonna break your neck.

Doyle: It's hopeless. We'll never get past the guards.

Roy: Well, not with that attitude, we won't.

Roy: Well, what's in it for you?

Lord Rathbone: Your looking at the future king of England.

Roy: You're, like, 20th line to the throne.

Lord Rathbone: 10th. But my friend here is about to change all that.

Charlie Chaplin: Did you just take the last Chocolate?

Roy: Of course I did. You gotta look out for number one, kid.

Roy: Hold it right there, Rathboner!

Roy: I thought the food here was supposed to suck!

Roy: Why did you let us out?

Charlie Chaplin: Why did you give up the seal?

Roy: Because I'm a fool.

Charlie Chaplin: I guess I'm a fool, too.

Roy: [to Charlie] Ever heard of parents? We have parents who love us. You don't, 'cause you're an orphan

Roy: We come from America. You might have heard of it? We run your jerkwatter country.

Roy: Artie, Lin is not a killer. She's just a really, really, really hot, confused, Chinese girl.

Roy: Pretty exotic for a Brooklyn homicide.

Aretha: You just don't give a damn about anybody do you?

Roy: You listen to me. You show me anybody who gives a damn about anybody else and I'll show you a fool. A damn fool! Who go through life with their hands out, begging instead of grabbing. You think anybody here in this town is any different? They don't give a damn who gets killed. Just as long as the dice keep rolling, the hoes keep hoeing, and the money keeps flowing!

Roy: You listen Aretha. You show me anybody who gives a damn about anybody else and I'll show you a fool; a damn fool. Who go through life with their hands out, begging instead of grabbing. Do you think anybody here in this town is any different? They don't give a damn who gets killed, just so long as the dice keep rolling, the hos keep hoing, and the money keeps flowing. It all revolves around the 'Big G' baby - the Big Green.

Jess: And, uh, remember moss also grows on the North side of trees.

Martin: No, West.

Ellie: I always thought it was East.

Jess, Roy: North!

Martin: You guys are just trying to confuse me.

[Jess says some scientific mumbo-jumbo]

Martin: Saying something that sounds impressive doesn't make it righter.

Jess: Righter?

[Smirks and pulls out his scout book]

Martin: You actually pack a scout book?

Jess: Hey, you recognize it. All right. See here.

[Points to a part in the book on moss, and Martin looks furious]

Ellie: [as Jess is untying them] Where's Martin?

Jess: He's creating a diversion.

[Suddenly there's a huge explosion. They all stare at eac other]

Roy: What was that?

Jess: [Shocked] I'm thinking the diversion.

Zerelda 'Zee' Cobb, later Zerelda 'Zee' James: If I could just think of some way to let you know how wrong you are.

Jesse Woodson James: No use, honey. It's just like I always told you: I hate the railroads... and when I hate, I've gotta do somethin' about it.

Major Rufus Cobb: That's the stuff! People ain't hating nowadays like they used to. They gettin' soft. I got to admit that I like a man that hauls off and hates good and hard. It's the lawyers - gol-dang it - it's the lawyers are messin' up the whole world! Why ten years ago, here in Liberty, we didn't have no lawyers and we got along fine. Man killed somebody, then somebody killed him, and the marshal shot 'em all and that was the end of it. But, look at it today: right here in Liberty we got hundreds of lawyers, thousands of 'em, as far as the eye can see: nothing but lawyers!

Zerelda 'Zee' Cobb, later Zerelda 'Zee' James: Uncle Rufe, there are only TWO lawyers in Liberty.

Major Rufus Cobb: Huh? Two? Is that all? Then they run around too much. Gol-dang it, I'm gonna write me an editorial about that.

Major Rufus Cobb: [he goes out into the newspaper office] Roy!

Roy: Yes, sir?

Major Rufus Cobb: Take an editorial on lawyers.

Roy: Liars?

Major Rufus Cobb: That'll do. We'll begin easy.

[he begins to dictate]

Major Rufus Cobb: Paragraph: If we are ever to have law and order in the West, the first thing we gotta do is take out all the lawyers and shoot 'em down like dogs.

Roy: Josh, How ya doing man? I just saw the new nurse and she is... very attractive.

Josh: This pleases me.

Pat Finley: Who wants to tell us the lesson we learned here?

Roy: Don't put Twinkies on your pizza!

Roy: Headed to fat camp?

Gerry: No... Why do you say that?

Roy: 'Cause your fat... 'That your dad?

Gerry: No... W-why do you say that?

Roy: 'Cause he's fat too!

Gerry: Well, so are you.

Roy: I know, that's why I'm going to fat camp. I'm Roy.

Gerry: I'm Gerry. Yeah I guess I am going to fat camp.

Roy: I knew it! And that's your dad too, right?

Gerry: Hell no!

Roy: Well you're gonna love camp, man, camp is awesome. Plus, nobody picks on you because YOUR not the fat kid, EVERYBODY'S the fat kid. Just stick with me, Gerry, because I'm the man!

Roy: Lars? What kind of name is that? Where you from?

Lars: [pause] ... Far Away!

Roy: Josh. Somebody gonna die today.

Josh: Call 911.

Roy: Funny Josh. But really man, what happened? Talk to us.

Josh: [half-unaware] Josh was bad.

Roy: Oh man. Oh jeez.

Josh: [half-unaware] Josh now good.

Gerry: Good? Wha... what do you mean?

Josh: Must be...

[finally showing his normal awareness]

Josh: good to see my big ass again!

Tim: [sees the kids have locked Tony up] Oh good God!

Pat Finley: This is insane!

Julie: This is great!

Gerry: So, what was you guys' plan?

Pat Finley: What do you guys think you're doing?

Gerry: Taking over the camp.

Tim: Guys, you can't kidnap the owner of a camp! They give people the *chair* for things like this.

Gerry: It was self defense, you have to believe us.

Julie: I believe you.

Roy: Pat, you know what? He snapped!

Josh: He was going to make us climb a thousand foot mountain!

[all the campers start talking at once about Tony's insane antics]

Tony Perkis: [over the loudspeakers] Time to wake up, campers! Today is evaluation day. The key word here is 'value.' Do you have any? Not yet! But before summer's over, this camp's gonna be filled with skinny winners!

Roy: "Skinny weiners?" You hear that, guys?

[all the boys laugh]

Roy: [Nicholas had just abruptly Farted right into Gerry's Face] You have one of those fish-and-chip farts there, Nicky?

Roy: Our studies indicate the weapon is totally useless in warfare.

David Decker: It's not intended for use in your kind of warfare, Roy. It's the perfect peacetime weapon. That's why it's secret.

Man: So it's both immoral *and* unethical?

David Decker: Yes.

[they all laugh]

Roy: Hey, I hope you don't mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one. Then, POW, all at once.

[Takes a drink from the bucket]

Mr. Boorg: We don't have a cow. We have a bull.

Roy: I'll brush my teeth.

Ishmael: [after losing a game] Mr. Munson, you all right?

Roy: [calmly] Ish, uh, what happened in there?

Ishmael: Well, I don't know. Um, I thought I played pretty good. Uh, he's just a little better than me, that's all.

Roy: Pretty good, huh? 186.

[loses his cool]

Roy: You lost to a club player! What - that's not supposed to happen! You're carrying a 270 average!

Ishmael: Wh-wh-wh-what do you expect? I mean, you guys with your 10 frames.

Roy: [angrily] What do you mean, "you guys with your 10 frames"?

Ishmael: Well, my grandpa always taught me to bowl 15 frames. It's like I told you before, we Amish, we do everything half again as hard as you do. Ten frames.

[scoffs]

Ishmael: That's for Quakers.

[Roy Munson is getting ready for his turn to bowl]

Ernie McCracken: It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he's the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He's got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst.

Roy: Hey. Do you mind? I wasn't talking when you were bowling.

Ernie McCracken: Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck.

Roy: WHO YOU CALLIN' A PSYCHO?

Ishmael: Whatcha doin', Mr. Munson?

Roy: Flossin'.

Ishmael: Flossin? Where'd I get "Munson" from?

Roy: The *name* is Munson, what I'm doin' is flossin', this is called floss, cleans your teeth, you oughta try it sometime!

Roy: Yeah, sure, Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?

Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It's okay.

Roy: Yeah, well, he blessed you, too, and I'll give you a clue what it is. It's round, it has three holes, and you stick your fingers into it.

Ishmael: [He points his finger into Roy's face] You leave Rebecca out of this, mister!

Roy: I'm talking about bowling! Your future!

Ishmael: Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, eh? But I'll lose my entire bonus check because I'm so *bombed*.

McKnight Bowl Bartender: You get that way from ginger ale?

Roy: Nah, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.

Neighbor: Roy, can you get sick drinkin' piss?

Roy: I think you can.

Neighbor: Even if it's your own?

ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years?

Roy: Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh... Drinking. Lot a drinking.

ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking?

Roy: No. I uh... I put... uh... Why, you buying?

Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr. Munson?

Roy: I don't puke when I drink. I puke when I don't.

Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have, Brother Hezekiah?

Roy: Uh, none that I know of.

[Adopting a terrible Irish accent]

Roy: What I mean to say is, I was, uh, wee, I'm unable to have children. Nasty cheese gratin' accident as a young man.

[On smoking]

Ishmael: You really should try to quit, Mr. Munson. They say it's bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.

Roy: Is that right. Who's done more research on the subject than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say it's harmless. Why would they lie? If you're dead, you can't smoke.

McKnight Bowl Bartender: So, you two are dictionary salesmen?

Roy: You would be punctilious in assuming that."

Ernie McCracken: The Munson.

Roy: Big Ern. Long time.

Ernie McCracken: I'll say. Probably a year for every topping on the table. I heard a horrible rumor...

Ernie McCracken: [looks at Roy's prosthetic rubber hand] Oh, creepy! I'm sorry. You know, for the first couple years, I felt responsible. How you been otherwise?

Roy: You know, in the last 17 years, a day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about what I'd say to you if I ever ran into you again.

Ernie McCracken: I bet!

Ernie McCracken: [notices Claudia] Hello.

Roy: What about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the the novelty machine in the men's room? I mean, those are fun even when you're alone.

Lancaster Bowl Manager: Yeah.

Roy: You get it?

Lancaster Bowl Manager: [impatiently, trying to read his Asian Brides magazine] Yeah!

Roy: This is like the hula hoop of the nineties. People go nuts!

Lancaster Bowl Manager: No! Look, we don't even have a novelty machine in the men's room anymore.

Roy: And you call this a bowling alley?

Roy: Some of the dresses ya' got, ya' need two hairdos to wear.

Roy: [Whispering so as not to awake Claudia, whom he means to leave behind] Just be quiet.

[as Ishmael whispers "okay," Roy trips and falls]

Roy: Ooh! I think I tore my sac.

Ishmael: [loudly] Are you okay, Mr. Munson?

Roy: Shh! What did I just say?

Ishmael: Uh, "I think I tore my sac"?

Roy: Hey, Herbie! How's life?

Scranton Wino: Taking forever.

Roy: Just because you're familiar with the missionary position doesn't make you a missionary.

Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, you're not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across.

Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?

Roy: That coffee wasn't even hot.

[takes a sip of coffee]

Roy: Now, that's hot.

Roy: I know what you're thinking, but let me explain...

[Claudia kicks Roy in the crotch]

Roy: [very softly] Mommy. You must have a really wide foot because you got both of them

Roy: Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don't mow another guy's lawn.

Claudia: Ishmael likes me.

Roy: I promise you, you're not his type.

Claudia: Oh, I'm his type. I'm every guy's type.

Man in bowling alley: Come on, boy. Bowl!

Roy: The name's not boy. It's Roy.

[makes a spare]

Roy: Roy Munson.

Ishmael: I don't drink coffee.

Roy: Why not?

Ishmael: Because it's a stimulant.

Roy: What the hell do you think cigarettes are?

Ishmael: They are?

[Roy nods]

Ishmael: All right, make it an extra large, two sugars, lots of cream. Lots of cream.

Ishmael: No way. Uh-huh. There's no way I can bet. It's against my religion. I was raised to *not* be a gambler. There's no way I'm going to bet.

Roy: Hey, hey, Ish. Ish! *Ish*!

Ishmael: No. No! *No* way!

Roy: Hey! Listen, you stupid banana head! You don't have to bet. I'll bet for you.

Ishmael: Oh, that's cool. I mean, what's the worst that can happen?

[Roy agrees by gesturing with his hook and then looks at it awkwardly]

Silver Legacy Maid: [Roy and Ishmael are trying to find Claudia and have rushed to her hotel room, only to find two maids making up the bed] She checked out. She left with two guys.

Roy: Two guys like us?

Silver Legacy Maid: No, they were good looking.

[In the parking lot, Roy has packed his car and is saying farewell to Dad and a few friends]

Roy: Can you believe this? Me, on a professional bowling tour?

Calvert Munson: It's your calling, son. One day, when people say the name Munson, they're gonna think "winner." Just like DiMaggio is to baseball or, or Unitas is to football, that's what Munson will be to bowling.

Roy: The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn't kickin' mine.

Roy: Excuse me, hi! -

Pharmacist #2: I'll be right with your Sir.

Roy: [runs to other counter] Hi, I need a refill of this. No I don't have a prescription!

Pharmacist #1: Sir, please wait your turn.

Roy: I know, I know. B-but this; is an emergency.

Man in Line: Hey buddy, ever heard a line?

Roy: Hey have you ever been dragged to the sidewalk and beaten till you PISSED... BLOOD!

Roy: I'm not a criminal. I'm a con man.

Dr. Klein: The difference being?

Roy: They give me their money.

Dr. Klein: That's a nice rationalization, Roy.

Angela: Bullshit!

Roy: No bullshit. And watch your mouth at the table.

Angela: [Angela laughs] You're a con man?

Roy: Con artist. Flim flam man, matchstick man, loser. Whatever. Take your pick.

Angela: And that guy Frank?

Roy: He's my partner. My protege...

Angela: Teach me something...

Roy: You're funny.

Angela: Teach me something! A con.

Roy: I'm not teaching you anything...

Angela: Why not?

Roy: Because you're far too bright and innocent and beautiful and I'm not going to screw that up like everything else!

Angela: You really think that?

[pause]

Angela: That I'm beautiful?

Roy: No.

Angela: Well, then why won't you? Because crime doesn't pay?

Roy: No, it does. It does! Just not very well.

Angela: Well, you seem to be doing alright by it!

Roy: I'm not. Believe me. It's no fun doing what I do. A lot of times it's stealing from people who don't deserve it. Old people. Fat people. Lonely.

[pause]

Roy: A lot of times I feel sick about it.

Angela: Well, then why do you do it?

Roy: Look, Doc, I spent last Tuesday watching fibers on my carpet. And the whole time I was watching my carpet, I was worrying that I, I might vomit. And the whole time, I was thinking, "I'm a grown man. I should know what goes on my head." And the more I thought about it... the more I realized that I should just blow my brains out and end it all. But then I thought, well, if I thought more about blowing my brains out... I start worrying about what that was going to do to my goddamn carpet. Okay, so, ah-he, that was a GOOD day, Doc. And, and I just want you to give me some pills and let me get on with my life.

Angela: Nice to meet you, Dad.

Roy: Nice to meet you, Dad.

[realises what he's said and shakes his head]

[asking how badly his life is affected by the agoraphobia]

Dr. Klein: And your personal relationships?

Roy: [laughing] What personal relationships?

Dr. Klein: When was the last time you were in one?

[pause]

Dr. Klein: You know... a relationship?

Roy: With a woman? A long time ago.

Dr. Klein: Five years? Ten years?

[pause]

Roy: Keep going, man...

Angela: She said you were a bad guy. You don't seem like a bad guy.

Roy: That's what makes me good at it.

Roy: uhhh... uhhh... That was WRONG what you did! And... and... you're a NOSY PARKER! And that's no way for a young lady to behave! And... SHAME ON YOU!

Angela: You don't have a TV? SERIOUSLY you don't have a TV?

Roy: Well there's a couch, if you want to sit. Or over there if you prefer. Or the couch.

Angela: New York Super Fudge Chunk. That's my favourite flavour.

Roy: New York...?

Angela: Super Fudge Chunk.

Roy: Oh chocolate! Right.

Roy: I'm not ver good at being a father, all right? I barely get by just being me.

Roy: Rule Number 1: Don't work where you live.

Angela: [writing] Don't... shit... where...

Roy: [grabbing her notepad] Rule Number 2: Don't write anything down!

Roy: For some people, money is... money is a foreign film without subtitles.

Roy: Let his greed meet his imagination.

Dr. Klein: Let me ask you something. What would you do if you had to change careers?

Roy: You mean if I wasn't an antiques broker?

Dr. Klein: If you weren't a criminal.

Roy: Huh?

[twitches]

Roy: She left the door open. It was BITCHIN'!

Roy: You lookin' for something, sucker?

Frank Mercer: Yeah. My partner. You seen him? He's been missing most of the week. Tall, good-looking guy.

Frank Mercer: Man, you are bad! Did you take your pills?

Roy: Fourteen! You're fourteen! When'd you have TIME to get arrested?

Dr. Klein: I have news, your neurosis is small.

Roy: What? You fucking quack!

[repeated line]

Roy: Pygmies!

Frank Mercer: There's just one problem.

Roy: What?

Frank Mercer: I think I'm in love with you.

Roy: I gotta go. I've got a big business meeting.

Angela: This late?

Roy: Antiques. They wait for no man.

Roy: You good to go?

Frank Mercer: Does the Pope pooh in the woods?

[first lines]

Roy: Uno, due, tre.

[last lines]

Roy: Hi.

Cashier: That'll be $36.50, sir.

Roy: [Panicing] When... you're done, could you... wipe off the phone?

Frank Mercer: Yeah sure

[wipes on the back off his pants and his crotch]

Frank Mercer: How's that?

Roy: Oh God!

Frank Mercer: Whoa! I'm just kidding, just kidding!

[repeated line]

Roy: Simple is safe!

Angela: This line's shorter.

Roy: No, this one's better.

[looks at the cashier he's been flirting with]

[repeated line]

Roy: Uuuuuh... Uuuuuh...

Roy: My associate tells me you have FIVE grandkids? WOW!

Frank Mercer: Okay, I'd just like to, you know, take a girl out somewhere nice once in a while.

Roy: You have to pay extra for that?

Frank Mercer: You want your forty g's?

Roy: Consider it a parting gift.

Frank Mercer: We should part more often.

Roy: [while looking for his pills] Pygmies!

Anna: If you could do anything with your life and money was no object, what would you do?

Roy: Anything at all? Well, when I was a kid I used to play this video game for hours, Street Fighter 2. And I remember thinking "You know, people get paid to do this - to think of the game and create the characters." Like there's this one character Blanka; he's like half human and half lizard who eats his opponents. Well ya know he either zaps them with lightning or he... bites their faces off.

[pause]

Roy: It's pretty cool huh?

Anna: So you'd design video games?

Roy: Nah, I'd kinda like to be Blanka.

Desmond Rhodes: [when group explains reasons for cooperating] I'm here cuz the SAT is racist.

Matty: Well, that didn't take long, did it?

Desmond Rhodes: What, you don't think so? Who made the test? Rich white guys. Who scored the highest on the test?

Roy: [interrupts Desmond] Asian chicks. Middle-class asian girls who watch less than an hour of television a day. They can't drive, but they can kick the shit out of the SAT.

Roy: [going through SAT questions] You know, a lot of people would think these questions are difficult... not me.

Desmond Rhodes: No?

Roy: No. These questions all have answers.

Anna: Why do you smoke pot?

Roy: Something to do.

Anna: Do I look like I need the answers?

Roy: You look like you need a PIMP!

Roy: [looking at a crow in a tree] Caw! Caw! Caw, caw, caaaaaw!

Matty: [to Kyle] You've assembled a crack team, chief.

Desmond's Mother: You're a smart boy, Roy. So why are you doing a stupid thing like drugs? Hmm?

Roy: Err... something to do.

Roy: [introducing Desmond] Desmond Rhodes. All city. But his grades are shitty.

Roy: In the woods?... With that big ass crow?

[has a flashback to the woods]

Roy: I'm the ghost, man. I hear things, and I see things. But no one hears or sees me.

Desmond's Mother: Well, Roy, this is our dinnertime. We don't interrupt YOUR dinnertime, do we?

[Roy sniffs a piece of old pizza]

Roy: Uh... I don't have dinnertime.

Roy: Francesca Curtis. Talk about your forbidden fruit.

Desmond Rhodes: [explaining his reason to steal the SAT answers] Who created the test? Rich, white guys. Who scored highest on the test?

Roy: [interrupts] Asian chicks! Middle-class Asian girls who watch less than an hour of TV a day... they can't drive, but they kick the shit out of the SAT!

Roy: [after giving SAT answers to stoners] Next year at Harvard, SAT is gonna stand for Stoned And Toasted.

Little Ben Healy: I told you Roy, I don't care how many runs you score we're not forfeiting.

Roy: Hey I don't care about this game. We got this thing won already.

Murray: What are you, crazy, letting him go to the john alone?

Roy: Suppose he tries to kill himself!

Oscar Madison: How's he gonna kill himself in the john?

Murray: Whaddaya mean, how? Razor blades, poison, anything that's in there.

Oscar Madison: Nah, that's the kids' bathroom. The worst he could do in there is brush his teeth to death.

Roy: He could jump!

Vinnie: That's right! Isn't there a window in there?

Oscar Madison: Yeah, but it's only six inches wide.

Murray: Yeah, well he could break the glass - he could cut his wrists!

Oscar Madison: He could also flush himself into the East River. I'm telling you he's not going to try anything.

Roy: Sh! Sh! Listen, listen!

[they all follow Roy to the bathroom door; Felix is heard crying]

Roy: He's crying. You hear that, he's crying!

Murray: Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, do something, say something!

Oscar Madison: What? What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?

Oscar Madison: I'm in for a quarter.

Murray: Aren't you going to look at your cards first?

Oscar Madison: What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway. Who gets a Pepsi?

Murray: I get a Pepsi.

Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi.

Roy: You still didn't fix the refrigerator. It's been two weeks now - no wonder it stinks in here.

Oscar Madison: Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. I'm out. Who wants food?

Murray: What do you got?

Oscar Madison: I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?

Murray: What's the green?

Oscar Madison: It's either very new cheese or very old meat.

Murray: I'll take the brown.

[Oscar hands Murray a sandwich which Murray starts wolfing down]

Roy: Are you crazy? You're not going to eat that, are you?

Murray: I'm hungry!

Roy: His refrigerator has been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle!

Oscar Madison: What are you, some kind of health nut? Eat, Murray, eat!

Oscar Madison: I'm $800 behind in alimony. Let's raise the stakes.

Roy: They can do it, you know.

Oscar Madison: Do what?

Roy: Throw you in jail.

Oscar Madison: Never. If she can't call me up once a week to aggravate me, she's not happy.

Murray the Cop: Aren't you worried about the kids?

Oscar Madison: Murray, the kids are living in their grandfather's house with a swimming pool in California. Can we just play cards?

Roy: I told you you'd get into trouble. It's because you don't know how manage anything. I should know - I'm your accountant.

Oscar Madison: If you're my accountant, how come I need money?

Roy: If you need money, how come you play poker?

Oscar Madison: 'Cause I need money.

Roy: But you always lose.

Oscar Madison: That's why I need the money.

Roy: Then don't play poker.

Oscar Madison: Then don't come to my house and eat my potato chips.

[grabs the bag of potato chips on the poker table and flings the entire contents all over the living room]

Oscar Madison: You see, wise guy? Potato chips!

Murray the Cop: Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

[an argument ensues with everyone bickering all at once]

Murray the Cop: What are you yelling about? We're playing a friendly game!

[the bickering continues]

Murray the Cop: All right, all right, ALL RIGHT! Calm down, calm down, take it easy. I'm a cop, you know - I can arrest the whole lousy game.

[they all quiet down]

Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the cop is right. Let's just play cards and please hold them up. I can't see where I marked them.

Roy: He owes money to his wife, his government and his friends and he still won't take it seriously.

Oscar Madison: Life goes on even for those of us who are divorced, broke and sloppy.

Oscar Madison: Hey wait a minute, wait a minute, the pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter?

Murray: You didn't.

Oscar Madison: You got a big mouth, Murray. Just for that, lend me twenty dollars.

Murray: I just loaned you twenty dollars. Borrow from somebody else, I keep winning my own money back.

Roy: You owe everybody in the game. If you don't have it, you shouldn't play.

Oscar Madison: All right, I'm through being a nice guy, you owe me six dollars apiece for the buffet!

Vinnie: What Buffet?

[they all chime in]

Vinnie: What buffet?

Speed: What buffet? Hot beer and two sandwiches left over from when you went to high school.

Oscar Madison: What do you want at a poker game, a tomato surprise? Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.

[last lines]

Oscar Madison: Felix, what about next Friday night? You're not gonna break up the poker game, are you?

Felix Ungar: Me, never! Marriage may come and go, but the game must go on. So long, Frances.

[leaves]

Oscar Madison: So long, Blanche.

[sits down at the poker table]

Oscar Madison: Well, what are we gonna do, are we just gonna sit around or are we gonna play poker?

Roy: [they all chime in] Let's play some poker!

Felix Ungar: Hey boys, boys, boys, let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we? This is my house, not a pigsty.

Roy: What if he's laying in a gutter somewhere ? Who would know who he is?

Oscar Madison: He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him, America lights up.

Speed: Excuse me, sir, but aren't you the one they call the Cincinnati Kid?

Murray: You don't like it, get a machine.

Roy: Geez, it stinks in here.

Felix Ungar: [serving refreshments at the poker game] Cold glass of beer for Roy...

Roy: Thank you.

Felix Ungar: Where's your coaster?

Roy: My what?

Felix Ungar: Your coaster. The little round thing that goes under the glass.

Roy: I think I bet it.

Oscar Madison: [tosses the coaster back to Roy] Here, here, here. I knew I was winning too much! Here.

Felix Ungar: Always try to use your coasters, huh, fellas? A scotch and a little bit of water...

Speed: Scotch and a little bit of water and I have my coaster.

Felix Ungar: I don't want to be a pest, but you know what glasses can do.

Oscar Madison: [under his breath] They leave little rings on the table.

Felix Ungar: They leave little rings on the table!

Oscar Madison: [under his breath] And we don't want little rings on the table.

Roy: [sniffs] What's the smell? Disinfectant?

[smells his cards]

Roy: It's the cards. He washed the cards.

[gets up from the table]

Roy: I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more.

Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, Roy. Where are you going?

Roy: I've been sitting here, breathing cleaning fluid and ammonia for three hours! Nature didn't intend for poker to be played like that.

[leaves]

Murray: I'm telling you, I'm worried. I know Felix. He's going to try something crazy.

Vinnie: You mean you just threw him out?

Oscar Madison: That's right, I threw him out. It was my decision. All right, I admit it. Let it be on my head.

Vinnie: Let what be on your head?

Oscar Madison: How should I know? Felix put it there. Ask him.

Speed: He's out there somewhere.

Oscar Madison: Listen, he was driving us all crazy with his napkins and his ashtrays and his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. All of you said so.

Roy: We didn't say kick him out, Oscar.

Oscar Madison: Well, who do you think I did it for? I did it for us!

Roy: Us?

Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. Do you know what he was planning for next Friday night's poker game as a change of pace? Do you have any idea?

Vinnie: What?

Oscar Madison: A luau! A Hawaiian luau! Roast pork, fried rice, spareribs - they don't play poker like that in Honolulu!

Roy: We should have gone to the beach like I told you.

The Wanderer: There is an evil here, an evil you don't want to wake up.

Roy: [referring to Chris sleeping] Be careful not to wake the evil.

[giggles]

Roy: .

Martin: Where have you been?

Roy: Where the fuck did you get a machine gun from?

Vegard: Well... I've been busy.

Roy: We're the Flying Elvises. Utah chapter.

[President Carter on TV]

President Carter: -high inflation. What is the solution?

[TV cuts to commercial for Luke's yard taking place in Roy's yard]

Jeff: You want the solution to inflation? Hi, friends. Marshall Lucky here for New Deal Used Cars, where we're lowering inflation not only by fighting high prices, not only by murdering high prices, but by blowing the living shit out of high prices. Yessir. Here's an example. It's a 1972 Cadillac Coupe DeVille, for sixty-two ninety-nine. That price is too high.

[shoots car]

Jeff: Yessir. Here's another one. It's a Lincoln Continental, Mark IV, 1973. It's loaded. It's got air conditioning. It's got a stereo. It's got white-wall radial tires. It's got power steering, power brakes, power seats, power windows. And a price that is just too high.

[shoots car]

Jeff: Yessir.

[Jim appears on car behind him in costume]

Jim: YAAAAAAHHHH.

Freddie: [on microphone] Look out, Marshall Lucky. It's High Prices.

Jeff: Take this, you dirty ol' High Prices.

["shoots" Jim, who puts on a very convincing act]

Jim: AHHHH. Ya got me Marshall. Ahhhhh...

Jeff: [shocked] Jesus Christ.

[winks at screen]

Jeff: Yessir, that's New Deal Used Cars... Now wait just a Goddamn minute. What the hell is this? Is this a 1974 Mercedes 450SL for *twenty-four thousand dollars*? That's too fucking high.

[blows up car with dynamite. Roy watches at home]

Roy: You sonova bitch.

Jeff: [laughs] Yessir. We blew the shit out of that over-priced motherfucker just the way we blow the shit out of *all* high prices, down here at New Deal Used Cars. So y'all come on down. Did you hear what I said? New Deal Used Cars. So y'all come on down. Did you hear what I said?

[TV cuts back to President]

President Carter: I have heard you, with unmistakable clarity...

Roy: You sonova bitch.

[kicks TV and electrocutes himself]

Tommy: [Breaks open the door] Well, if it isn't Mr. Rainbow, how lovely to see you in the flesh... c'mere!

[Lifts Randolph up off the couch by his sweater and grabs him by the front of his neck]

Tommy: Now, you want to tell me about The Rhino?

Randolph: [strangulated] This is private property, you're fucking trespassing...

[Tommy throws him headfirst into the piano, with the ceramic pot falling off of it and breaking and he lands back first on the floor]

Tommy: Danny, go give Mr. Smiley a little back rub.

[Danny picks him up and holds him up by the back of his sweater]

Tommy: Start yakkin', friend!

Randolph: I don't know what you're talking about! I'm minding my own business here, you're violating my private sp...

[Danny throws him towards the opposite wall]

Randolph: AAAAAAACE!

[Hits the wall with his whole body and slides down, then Danny lifts him up over his head with both hands and smashes him through a table]

Randolph: All right, you spud sucking fucks! I'm suing your riverdance ass!

[with a mocking Irish Accent]

Randolph: I'm gonna send you all the way back hooome, huh?

Tommy: Roy, have you got the hammer?

Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.

[pulls out a chisel hammer]

Randolph: [Danny grabs holds him up by the collar] I did it! It was me! It was all me! Thank god we cleared up everything without further violence.

[brief pause, then cuts to Randolph's perspective as Danny punches him hard in the face and everything goes black]

Tommy: This I guarantee: That fuckin' Randolph has seen his last rainbow. We're going to find him, cut off his balls, and shove 'em up his ass.

Sheldon: Well, maybe we should leave that for the cops, Tommy.

Roy: Cops won't do the ball thing, it's against procedure.

Abby: Did you call me?

Roy: What?

Abby: I heard dumb bitch. I assumed you were talking to me.

Roy: I was talking to her.

Abby: Your name is dumb bitch TOO? No wonder I keep getting all of your mail! You know, we could be related. There are a lot of us dumb bitches here in LA.

Carol: Careful, Mike. he's got a gun.

Roy: I don't need a gun to take care of you. I am going to kick your Brady butt.

Cindy: He said the "B" word.

Roy: Marcia. Oh, Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. You have grown up to be so gorgeous!

Marcia: I know.

Roy: And Jan. My dear Jan. Isn't Marcia gorgeous?

Mike Brady: Roy, I have something I'd like to discuss with you

Roy: Is it about where I shop?

Mike Brady: No, but now that you mention it, I have that same suit in brown and green.

Roy: I know. You're wearing it.

Mike Brady: Ah. So I am.

Roy: We're going to do "Cosi Fan Tutte", the opera.

Doug: What, Little Richard wrote an opera? Tutti Fruiti the opera?

Roy: It's an opera by Mozart, you low life.

Roy: Couldn't direct a nymphomaniac to a stag night.

Cherry: This is just another battle of the sexes.

Roy: Oh, I suppose so... If you could describe the Crusades as a sightseeing lark on the way to Jerusalem!

Doug: Oh, please, someone give him some lithium!

Roy: I know you can take criticism Jerry, because you must get a lot of it!

Roy: [after seeing Slappy] That is one big gopher. His mom must have been messing around with a seal.

[Mr. Brinway is being chased by the leaf blower]

Roy: Hit the deck, Mr. Brinway!

Witz: Look at that. Mr. Brinway runs just like Scooby-Doo.

[the Stinkers laugh]

Roy: Hop on, Mr Brinway! Hop on!

[Mr. Brinway leaps onto the the side of Roy's lawn mower]

Morgan Brinway: What is that thing?

Roy: I dunno, Mr. Brinway. But I think it's headed straight for your new Jag.

Morgan Brinway: [realizing that the leaf blower is heading straight for his new car] No, not the XJS!

Roy: Don't worry, Mr. Brinway!

Morgan Brinway: No, no!

[Roy accelerates the lawn mower by riding it like a motorcycle while popping a wheelie]

[as the leaf blower is flying in close to his car]

Morgan Brinway: [to himself] Please, take me! Don't take the Jag!

[the leaf blower stops as it flies close to the grille]

Roy: You can come out now, Mr. Brinway.

[Mr. Brinway opens the door and realizes that a hedge cutter on Roy's lawn mower is cutting through the driver door]

Roy: Oh, the hedger's still on.

[Roy turns off the hedger]

Roy: Okay, its off now. You can come out now, Mr. Brinway.

[the camera zooms out to reveal the hole that Roy's hedger cut by accident]

Darryl: Can't you just rape me for a bit?

Roy: Darryl, rape, by its very definition, cannot be requested!

Darryl: Hey Roy, because I saved your life earlier, I was wondering if you'd put me on the cricket team next year?

Roy: Are you fucking kidding me? No one's getting on that team unless somebody dies first.

Darryl: So, just one person's gotta die?

[cocks shotgun, smiles]

Darryl: Easy, I thought I was gonna have to go to training or something!

[off Roy's look]

Darryl: What, you should've seen the 6's I was hitting with Joel before!

Joel: Are you out of your skull, Darryl? You have the coordination of a stillborn giraffe!

Roy: They made it! They're in the rover!

Darryl: Yes! Hopefully no one else has to die. Especially not me!

Roy: She speaks Japanese with a Spanish accent.

[last lines,while in a holding cell in the back of the courthouse]

Roy: Mr. Vail?

Martin Vail: Yeah?

Roy: [stammering] Will you t-tell Miss Venable I'm sorry? Tell her I hope her neck is okay.

Martin Vail: Yeah... I will.

[begins walking away, then turns back]

Martin Vail: Wait... What did you just say? What? You told me just a few minutes ago that you didn't remember. You blacked out. So how do you know about her neck?

Roy: [slow clapping sardonically, in a southern accent,] Well... good for you, Marty. I was going to let it go. You was looking so happy just now. I was thinking, hm, God. But to tell you the truth, I'm glad you figured it, because I have been dying to tell you. I just didn't know who you'd wanna hear it from, you know? Aaron or Roy, or Roy or Aaron. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. A sort of a client-attorney-privilege type of a secret, you know what I mean? It don't matter who you hear it from. It's the same story.

[stammering as Aaron]

Roy: [in a southern accent] ,I j-j-just... had to kill Linda, Mr. Vail.

[normal voice as Roy]

Roy: [in a southern accent] ,That, that cunt just got what she deserved. But... cutting up that son of a bitch Rushman? That was just a fucking work of art.

Martin Vail: You're good. You are really good.

Roy: in a southern accent,Yeah. I did get caught, though, didn't I?

Martin Vail: So there never... there never was a Roy?

Roy: [in a southern accent] ,Jesus Christ, Marty. If that's what you think, I am disappointed in you, I don't mind telling you. There never was an Aaron... counselor! Come on, Marty, I thought you had it figured, there at the end. The way you put me on the stand like that? That was fucking brilliant, Marty! And that whole thing like "act-like-a-man"? Jesus, I knew exactly what you wanted from me. It was like we were dancing, Marty!

Martin Vail: Guard!

Roy: [in a southern accent] ,Oh come on, don't be like that, Marty. We did it, man. We fucking did it! We're a great team, you and me. You think I could've done this without you? You're just feeling a little angry here, because you started to care about old Aaron, I can understand that, but... you know, love hurts, Marty. What can I say? Hey, I'm just kidding, bud! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings! What else was I supposed to do? Hey, you're gonna thank me down the road, because this is gonna toughen you right up, Martin Vail! You hear me? That's a promise!

Janet Venable: No further questions, your honor.

Roy: ['Roy' emerges with a southern accent,] Where the hell do you think you're going?

Janet Venable: Excuse me?

Roy: Hey you look at me when I'm talkin' to you, bitch!

Judge Miriam Shoat: Mr. Stampler!

Roy: Fuck you, lady! Come here!

[Roy jumps over the witness stand and grabs Janet and punches Marty]

Judge Miriam Shoat: Bailiff!

Roy: You wanna play rough, let's play rough. Come on, lets play rough!

[Bailiff and secruity slowly walk toward Roy]

Roy: Yeah, keep comin' closer asshole, don't think I won't break her fuckin' neck!

Martin Vail: [approaching Aaron slowly with the other bailiffs] come on I got

Roy: Fuck you, Marty! I'm walkin' outta slowly. Really slow.

Roy: [to Martin, talking in a southern accent,about Aaron, using a southern accent, while in his solitary confinement room] Hell, he couldn't kick his own ass.

Roy: [to Martin, after transferred into Roy for the first time] I got you. You the lawyer. Well, you sure fucked this one up, didn't you, counselor! Looks to me like they're gonna shoot ol' Aaron so full o' poison it's gonna come out his eyes!

Roy: [to Martin in a southern accent, while in the solitary confinement room] If you lay that tough-man shit on Aaron again, I will kick your fuckin' ass to Sunday!

Roy: Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, so sayeth the Psalms!

Judge Harry Roosevelt: That's Proverbs 12:22.

Roy: Okay... what do you want?

Reggie: You have access to a private jet?

Roy: I do.

Reggie: Send it to Memphis, have it pick up Diane and Ricky Sway, bring them here. The whole family enters the Witness Protection program. Well, how are we doing so far?

Roy: [writing] Nothing I can't live with.

Reggie: The program sets them up with a fair income, and a nice little house. White, with a walk-in closet.

[off Roy's look]

Reggie: Well, write it down. "Walk-in closet."

Roy: [sarcastic] Is "walk in" hyphenated?

Mark: Thanks Rev. Roy, you've been a real pain in the ass.

Roy: Thank you, son. I can assure you, you have been an even larger pain in the ass.

Roy: Help me out here, Reggie. How far is it to that body?

Reggie: [leans forward and whispers] Twelve itty, bitty, tiny minutes.

Roy: [grins] Thank you, Reggie.

Reggie: You're welcome, Roy.

Roy: What's the Cloak and Dagger all about Reggie, you know you can trust us?

Reggie: You three come here alone?

Roy: Uh huh.

Reggie: That the truth?

Roy: 'course it is!

Reggie: [smiles] Well then, why don't you have one of them

[points to the agents]

Reggie: just trot out to one of those cars that aren't in the parkin' lot and get a pen and paper from one of those agents that aren't out there?

Roy: You've been awful busy, Reggie, obstruction of justice, tampering with federal evidence,

[pauses as he taps his pen on the table]

Roy: contributing to the delinquency of a minor, you've been REAL busy.

Reggie: Oh Roy, I am so FLATTERED that you noticed!

Roy: 1. He's scared. 2. He's a kid. They always lie. Adults are the enemy, remember?

Roy: Hold on there Ilya, don't tell me that you miss the USSR? I mean the USSR was a dark evil empire.

Grinko: Maybe so. But then we were people living in the darkness, now we are people dying in the light. Which is better? When it was USSR a man lived until 65 years, now it is 58 years. I know this fact very well, I am 58. In Russia now we say there are only 2 kinds people, those who leave in private jet, and those who leave in coffin.

Jessie: Which are you?

Grinko: I'm too old to leave. Just do my job.

Roy: [competing with other passenger's tiger scar] Hey, look at this. A deer attacked me.

passenger: A deer?

Roy: Yeah, a John Deer power mower!

Roy: While you're in the bathroom, put some toilet paper in there.

Joe: You do it. It's your jerk-off room.

Roy: I'll jerk your head off!

[seeing Joe eating scraps out of the sink]

Jorge: Did you get something to eat?

Joe: Uh, just some Ho-Ho's.

Jorge: Ho-ho's? Get a sandwich. Tell Roy to get you a sandwich, man.

Joe: No, it's all right. I'll just pick on this.

Jorge: I wouldn't be touchin' that if you saw the leper who was drooling all over that shit.

Jorge: [calling to the cook] Hey, Roy, you old fuck!

Roy: What?

Jorge: Get the boy a sandwich or somethin' before he gets hepatitis!

Joe Henry: I'll take a grilled cheese, Popeye.

Roy: You'll take squirrel.

Roy: Lorraine, you do me right, and I'll send you and your boy off with a smile and a fond farewell. You do me wrong, then you and little Chad here are fucked.

Lorraine Burton: Are you threatening my son now?

Roy: I'm threatening you and your son.

Roy: I smell like a fucking candy cane. Thanks.

Maj. Rufus Cobb: Now read it back to me, Roy.

Roy: "If we are ever going to have law and order in this part of the country, we got to take vipers like those Fords and that slimy railroad detective Runyon and shoot 'em down like dogs."

Brick: I would like to make one of my deathless remarks now. There may be some things better than sex, some worse, but there's nothing quite like it.

Roy: That was kind of a deathless remark at that.

Roy: [to Buck] Well, that's the trouble with liquor. You take one drink, and it makes a new man out of you. Then the new man has to have a drink too - quote and unquote.

Roy: I've just rubbed the queen of spades so hard I've turned it into a jack.

Alton Meyer: Dad?

Roy: Yeah?

Alton Meyer: Are you scared?

Roy: Yes.

Alton Meyer: You don't have to worry about me.

Roy: I like worrying about you.

Alton Meyer: You don't have to anymore.

Roy: I'll always worry about you Alton. That's the deal.

Alton Meyer: I saw the sunrise this morning. I think I know what I am now.

Alton Meyer: There's... There's a world, built on top of ours. People live there.

Alton Meyer: I think they're like me.

Roy: We saw it.

Sarah Tomlin: They're like you?

Alton Meyer: Yes, I think so.

Sarah Tomlin: I understand.

Alton Meyer: Lucas?

Lucas: I believe you.

Alton Meyer: Good.

Roy: The only thing I ever believed in was Alton. And I failed him.

[last lines]

Roy: Alton!

Roy: Do you miss it? Living on the ranch?

Elden: Yeah. Very much.

Roy: I have TWO questions; How many investors do we have?

Will Randall: I don't know. Haven't called any yet.

Roy: But you want me to say it anyway?

Will Randall: Yes.

Roy: Second thing: Is any of this true?

Will Randall: Not yet.

Roy: You are my God.

[last lines]

Roy: [in Spanish] This fence has been pushed over, cut, stepped on... I'm tired of repairing it. But I'm not taking it down.

Roy: Here's what I propose. I will pay you for your time and materials, if you repair the fence on a regular basis. You can do the work from your side of the fence. You're going to need to purchase some materials. Here's money to get you started. We'll meet here every Thursday around the same time, and we can speak about what sections need to be repaired. Okay? Okay.

Roy: You can go ahead and cross back through here. Your father-in-law will pick you up down the road.

Miguel: [speechless]

Roy: That's my horse. So you go ahead.

Miguel: [dismounts]

Roy: So I'll see you next Thursday?

Miguel: [yes]

Roy: Okay...

Miguel: Thank you very much.

Roy: You're welcome, Miguel... Goodbye... Good luck.

Sheriff Randall Hunt: You can't walk in here and tell me that Ramirez is without blame. I mean, none of this would have happened if it hadn't been for those goddam Mexicans walking across your land.

Roy: None of this would have happened if you had changed the combination on your goddam gun locker.

Sheriff Tucker: [talking to himself] What the hell's going on here?

Roy: You talking to me, Sheriff?

Sheriff Tucker: Huh?

Roy: I thought you were talking to me.

Jess: Dad, I'm really scared. Can't we just go home?

Roy: Jessica, this is home. You need to get used to that.

Colby Price: Roy Solomon?

[Roy turns around and sees a pale-looking man in a black suit and tie standing behind him]

Colby Price: I'm Colby Price... Belton Savings.

Roy: Oh, hey. Good to meet you.

Colby Price: So you said your father grew sunflowers, too.

Roy: Yeah, over in Turek County.

Colby Price: I grew up not too far from here.

Roy: Right...

Colby Price: Look, I know you're all moved in, but an opportunity came up at the bank that I thought you might be interested in. This place sat gathering dust for years until you came along and bought it, and now, as it happens, another party's expressed interest in the farm. The good news is, they're willing to pay what you paid and put another 15% on top of that.

Roy: [slightly annoyed] We just got here. And frankly, my family's looking for a little stability right now.

Colby Price: Well, this will give you the details... give me a call if you want to discuss it.

Roy: Come on, kid, don't play hard to get. What about New Year's Eve?

Francis Rosemary Chatham: Well, that was different. I couldn't help myself.

Talia: Do you do molly?

Roy: I don't - I don't know anyone named Molly.

Talia: Molly is MDMA.

Roy: Oh! I don't. I haven't. I could.

Roy: Man, do you really wanna fight an army of vampires?

Bone: [pauses to do a dramatic turn] Since I was twelve years old.

Roy: I'm a scientist. I believe in fact, not fabrication. Only unalienable truths.

Roy: If it wasn't for me they'd all be dead. No Plethura, no safe haven, nothing.

Roy: What I'm doing is selfless, but in the end I'm just a pencil-mark on the pages of history.

[singing]

Roy: Yeah, I'm a bad boy...

Simmi: But I'm a good girl!

Chandru: Sometimes you can tell a film by its trailer...

Roy: Then don't buy the ticket!

Roy: I can't live without you, Simmi...

Simmi: ...and I can't live with you, Roy!

Roy: [singing] Listen up y'all, this is me, my players Ritesh D, P-C-Baby and director Rohan Sippy. I wrote this for the Bluffmaster movie and these are my music makers, Vishal and Shekhar...

Roy: Let's go, your senseless drivel is disturbing the patients.

Aditya "Dittu" Srivastav: Oh, that's not a patient.

Alana: [knocking on bedroom door] You guys decent?

Roy: Yeah.

Paul: Roy! You call THIS decent?

Roy: No. No, no, no, no! Sorry! Not decent at all!

Roy: [grabbing Sebastian] If we don't find help soon, Pris hasn't got long to live. We can't allow that.

[Roy goes to the chess board, studying the game in progress]

Roy: Is he good?

J.F. Sebastian: Who?

Roy: Your opponent.

J.F. Sebastian: Oh, Dr. Tyrell? I've only beaten him once in chess. He's a genius! He designed you.

Roy: Maybe he could help.

J.F. Sebastian: I'd be happy to mention it to him.

Roy: [smiles and puts his hand on Sebastian's shoulder] Better if I talk to him in person. But I understand he's a sort of hard man to get to.

[Pris wraps her legs and arms around Sebastian]

J.F. Sebastian: Yes.

Roy: Will you help us?

J.F. Sebastian: I can't.

Pris: We need you, Sebastian. You're our best and only friend.

Roy: We've got a lot in common.

Sebastian: What do you mean?

Roy: Similar problems.

Pris: Accelerated decrepitude.

Roy: There's only two of us now.

Pris: Then we're stupid and we'll die.

Roy: Don't open this can of worms.