Mr. Bennet Quotes in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016)

Mr. Bennet: [to Mr. Collins] My daughters are trained for battle, sir, not the kitchen.

Mr. Bennet: Daughters do not dance well with masticated brains.

Mr. Bennet: [in narration] It wasn't always like this, my dear daughters. As the century began, Britannia was rich with the fruits of worldwide trade. From the colonies there came not just silks and spices, but a virulent and abominable plague. Naturally many suspected the French were to blame. Are you surprised? Once bitten, the newly infected were filled with an insatiable hunger for the brains of the living. Millions perished, only to rise again as legions of undead. So certain it would seem the end of days had come. But even the four horsemen of the apocalypse are said to have ascended from hell. To protect the living, the Grand Barrier was built. A one hundred foot wall, encircling London. Then excavation began on the royal canal, a vast moat thirty fathoms deep surrounding both the city and its walls. The land twixt the two fortifications became known as The Inbetween. At this time it became fashionable to study the deadly arts of the Orient. Japan for the wealthy. China for the wise. In the second battle of Kent, one of the bridges that cross the royal canal was breached. Ravenous zombie hordes massacred every villager of The Inbetween. It was said the sight of this slaughter drove young King George mad. When the battle was finally won, he ordered the destruction of all the bridges, save one: Hingham Bridge. Which to this day remains the only means by which to cross the royal canal. Many believed the enemy was finally vanquished. The gentry began to leave the safe confines of London's defenses for their newly fortified country estates. But vigilance is still every essence. Remember this. Keep your swords as sharp as your wit. For the ultimate battle between the living and the undead has yet to be staged.

Mr. Bennet: [cunningly] An unhappy alternative is before you. Your mother will never speak to you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins. And I will never speak to you again if you do.

Mrs. Bennet: [realizing, outraged] Who will maintain you when your father is dead? No one, Elizabeth Bennet! You shall become a poor and pathetic spinster!

Elizabeth Bennet: [near tears] Anything! Anything is to be preferred or endured rather than marrying without affection!

Parson Collins: Is there absolutely no negotiation over Jane?

Mrs. Bennet: The early bird catches the worm, Mr. Collins.

Parson Collins: Indeed.

Mr. Bennet: Be mindful of your talent for the delicate compliments, sir.

Mr. Bennet: Lizzie, don't go into the woods alone! Lizzie! I forbid you!

[ordered to order Lizzie to accept Mr. Collins's proposal]

Mr. Bennet: Your mother insists on you marrying Mr. Collins...

Mrs. Bennet: Yes! Or I'll never see her again!

Mr. Bennet: Well, Lizzy, from this day henceforth it seems you must be a stranger to one of your parents...

Mrs. Bennet: Who will maintain you when your father's gone?

Mr. Bennet: Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins... and I will never see you again if you do.

Mrs. Bennet: Mr. Bennet!

Elizabeth Bennet: Thank you, Papa.

Mr. Bennet: Lizzy, are you out of your senses? I thought you hated the man.

Elizabeth Bennet: No, Papa.

Mr. Bennet: He's rich, to be sure, and you will have more fine carriages than Jane. But will that make you happy?

Elizabeth Bennet: Have you no objection other than your belief in my indifference?

Mr. Bennet: None at all. We all know him to be a proud, unpleasant sort of fellow... but that would be nothing if you really liked him.

Elizabeth Bennet: I do like him.

Mr. Bennet: Well...

Elizabeth Bennet: I love him.

[last lines, UK version]

Mr. Bennet: If any young men come for Mary or Kitty, for heaven's sake, send them in. I'm quite at my leisure.

Mr. Bennet: I cannot believe that anyone can deserve you... but it apppears I am overruled. So, I heartily give my consent.

Elizabeth Bennet: [kissing and hugging him] Thank you.

Mr. Bennet: I could not have parted with you, my Lizzy, to anyone less worthy.

Mr. Bennet: Well, if Jane does die, it will be a comfort to know she was in pursuit of Mr. Bingley.

Mrs. Bennet: People do not *die* of colds.

Elizabeth Bennet: Though she may well perish with the shame of having such a mother.

Elizabeth Bennet: He's been a fool about so many things, about Jane, and others... but then, so have I. You see, he and I are so similar.

[starts laughing helplessly]

Elizabeth Bennet: We've been nonsensical! Papa, I...

Mr. Bennet: [also starts laughing, softly] You really do love him, don't you?

Elizabeth Bennet: Very much.

Mr. Bennet: How happy for you, Mr. Collins, to possess a talent for flattering with such... delicacy.

Elizabeth Bennet: Do these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?

Mr. Collins: They arise chiefly from what is passing of the time. And though I do sometimes amuse myself with arranging such little elegant compliments, I always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible.

Elizabeth Bennet: Oh, believe me, no one would suspect your manners to be rehearsed.

Elizabeth Bennet: [about Mr. Darcy] He is not proud. I was wrong, I was entirely wrong about him. You don't know him, Papa. If I told you what he's really like, what he's done.

Mr. Bennet: What has he done?

Mr. Bennet: [exits study, finds four of his daughters eavesdropping] Good heavens. People.

Mrs. Bennet: Now she'll have to stay the night. Exactly as I predicted.

Mr. Bennet: Good grief, woman. Your skills in the art of matchmaking are positively occult.

[Mrs. Bennet giggles]

Elizabeth Bennet: Though I don't think, Mama, you can reasonably take credit for making it rain.

Mr. Bennet: Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins... And I will never see you again if you do.

Mr. Bennet: [upon finding a very upset Mary] Mary, my dear Mary.

[hugs her]

Mr. Bennet: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Mary Bennet: [sobbing] I've been practicing all week.

Mr. Bennet: I know, my dear.

Mary Bennet: [sobbing] I hate balls!

Mr. Bennet: Poor Jane. Still, a girl likes to be crossed in love now and then. It gives her something to think of... and a sort of distinction amongst her companions.

Mr. Collins: Mrs. Bennet I was hoping, if it would not trouble you, that I might solicit a private audience with Miss Elizabeth in the course of the morning.

Mrs. Bennet: Oh, yes. Certainly. Lizzy will be very happy indeed. Everyone, out. Mr. Collins would like a private audience with your sister.

Elizabeth Bennet: No, no, wait, please. I beg you. Mr. Collins can have nothing to say to me that anybody need not hear.

Mrs. Bennet: No nonsense, Lizzy. I desire you will stay where you are. Everyone else to the drawing room. Mr. Bennet?

Mr. Bennet: But...

Mrs. Bennet: Now.

Kitty Bennet: Papa!

Mrs. Bennet: Is he amiable?

Mary Bennet: Who?

Kitty Bennet: Is he handsome?

Mary Bennet: Who?

Lydia Bennet: He's sure to be handsome.

Elizabeth Bennet: For five thousand a year, it would not matter if he's got warts and a leer.

Mary Bennet: Who's got warts?

Mr. Bennet: I'll give my heartiest consent to his marrying whichever of the girls he chooses.

Lydia Bennet: So will he come to the ball tomorrow, Papa?

Mr. Bennet: I believe so.

Mrs. Bennet: Do you not want to know who has taken it?

Mr. Bennet: As you wish to tell me, my dear, I doubt I have any choice in the matter.

Mrs. Bennet: ...and then he danced the third with Miss Lucas.

Mr. Bennet: We were all there, dear.

Mrs. Bennet: Oh, poor thing. It is a shame she's not more handsome. There's a spinster in the making and no mistake. The fourth with a Miss King, of little standing... and the fifth again with Jane.

Mr. Bennet: If he'd had any compassion for me, he would have sprained his ankle in the first set.

Mrs. Bennet: Netherfield Park is let at last. Have you heard who has taken it?

Mr. Bennet: I have.

[first lines]

Elizabeth Bennet: [to frolicking sisters] Lydia! Kitty!

Mrs. Bennet: My dear Mr Bennet, have you heard? Netherfield Park is let at last. Do you not want to know who has taken it?

Mr. Bennet: As you wish to tell me, my dear, I doubt I have any choice in the matter.

Mr. Bennet: How can that possibly affect them?

Mrs. Bennet: Oh Mr. Bennet, how can you be so tiresome? You know he must marry one of them!

Mr. Bennet: Ah, so that is his desire in settling here.

Mrs. Bennet: You must go and visit him at once!

Mr. Bennet: Good heavens. People.

Mrs. Bennet: For we may not visit if you do not, as you well know, Mr. Bennet!

Mr. Bennet: There's no need. I already have.

Mrs. Bennet: Have? Oh Mr Bennet! How can you tease me so? Have you no compassion for my poor nerves?

Mr. Bennet: Oh you mistake me, my dear. I have the highest respect for them. They've been my constant companions these twenty years.

Mrs. Bennet: Look at them! Five of them without dowries. What's to become of them?

Mr. Bennet: Yes, what's to become of the wretched creatures? Perhaps we should have drowned some of them at birth.

Lydia Bennet: Has anybody heard how Jane is this morning?

Mrs. Bennet: Eh, Mr. Bingley sent a note over by his groom. She's much better. Such a happy idea of mine sending her off in the rain.

Mr. Bennet: Yes, but to Jane must go all the credit for having caught the cold, my dear.

Mr. Bennet: Well, we're hoping Elizabeth can manage to catch a cold of her own and stay long enough to get engaged to Mr. Darcy. Then, if a good snowstorm could be arranged, we'd send Kitty over. But if a young man should happen to be in the house - a young man who likes singing, of course, who can discuss philosophy - Mary could go. Then, if a dashing young soldier in a handsome uniform should appear for Lydia, everything would be perfect, my dear.

Mary Bennet: Did you tell him you had five daughters, Papa?

Mr. Bennet: Well, I told him if he ran into five of the silliest girls in England, they would be my daughters!