Melissa Quotes in Vice (2015)

Melissa: It's your last day. I want it to be perfect.

Melissa: Jeez Kel, you make me gonna cry.

Melissa: I gotta go Julia, we got cows.

Joey: [Discussing at Meg's on the tornadoes they have seen so far at Meg's home at her dining table, eating steak and eggs] No, that was a good size twister. What was it, an F3?

Bill: Solid F2.

Melissa: See, now you have lost me again.

Bill: It's the Fujita scale. It measures a tornado's intensity by how much it eats.

Melissa: Eats?

Bill: Destroys.

Laurence: That one we encountered back there was a strong F2, possibly an F3.

Beltzer: Maybe we'll see some 4's.

Haynes: That would be sweet!

Bill: 4 is good. 4 will relocate your house very efficiently.

Melissa: Is there an F5?

[Everyone goes dead silent]

Melissa: What would that be like?

Jason 'Preacher' Rowe: The Finger of God.

Melissa: None of you has ever seen an F5?

Bill: ...Just one of us.

[Looks upstairs, indicating Jo]

Melissa: [at Meg's home at her dining table, eating steak and eggs] Why do you call Billy "The Extreme?"

Dusty: Because Billy *is* "The Extreme."

Jason 'Preacher' Rowe: Bill is the most outta control son of a bitch in the game!

Bill: [looking at Jo] No, I think I came in second.

Dusty: So we get this one near Daleton, right?

Rabbit: Oh, God.

Jo: You guys have got to get some new stories. I'm gonna go wash up.

Dusty: And we are way too close. And Jo's got the vid on it right, she's filming it. And all of the sudden outta nowhere, this shitty lookin' green Valiant comes pulling up right in the way.

Beltzer: [points to Bill] And this loser stumbles out of the car, he's got like a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand...

Dusty: He's naked!

Rabbit: He is *butt* naked!

Beltzer: Naked!

Bill: NOT naked! I was NOT naked!

Beltzer: [whispering & laughing in Melissa's ear] He was without apparel.

Bill: Half naked.

Dusty: Naked. Ok, so Jo's yelling at him to get out of the way, right?

[all laugh]

Dusty: And he just strolls up to the twister, says 'have a drink', and he chucks the bottle into the twister, and it NEVER hits the ground.

Jason 'Preacher' Rowe: The twister caught it, and sucked it right up!

Bill: [directing towards Melissa] Honey, this is a tissue of lies. See, there was another Bill, an evil Bill, and I killed him.

[talking to a psychiatric patient on the phone, while in Bill's truck]

Melissa: She didn't marry your penis... Okay, she didn't only marry your penis.

Bill: [after the tornado pass by them at the drive in movie theater] Honey, it's Meg. I gotta go.

Melissa: I'm going back.

Bill: Good, good, you'll be safe at the motel. I'll see you in the morning.

Melissa: I won't be there.

Bill: What? Why? What are you saying?

Melissa: I'm saying goodbye.

Bill: No...

Melissa: You know what? I can't compete with this. I don't even know where to start.

Bill: Wait, don't do this now, please.

Melissa: Sooner or later it would have ended, we both know that. The funny thing is... I'm not that upset. What does that mean?

Bill: I never meant for any of this to happen,

Melissa: Oh Billy, I know. It's okay. You go ahead. She needs you. I hope that Aunt Meg's okay.

Bill: What about you?

Melissa: Oh, don't worry about me. I know my way home.

[Crying with fright after a pair of tornadoes spun their truck around a few times]

Melissa: When you used to tell me that you chase tornadoes, deep down I thought it was just a metaphor.

[Jo is salvaging belongings from her crashed truck and looking at Bill's new truck]

Jo: You got full coverage on that truck?

Bill: Liability only.

Jo: [thoughtfully] Liability only...

Jo: It's a very pretty truck.

Melissa: [smiling] Thank you.

Bill: Don't even think about it.

[Jo keeps cleaning out her truck]

Bill: No way.

Melissa: [after seeing DOROTHY for the first time on the back of Jo's truck] Wow, it is great... what is it?

[after the twister has passed]

Bill: It's gone... it's gone.

Jo: [looking behind them] Where's my truck?

[cut to road; truck crashes to the ground in front of Melissa in Bill's truck]

Melissa: [screams]

Melissa: [before they shake hands] Uh... it was nice meeting you.

Aunt Meg: Likewise. You better run.

Melissa: Are you gay?

Melissa: [to Ivory Christian] Is he gay?

Mike Winchell: I'm not gay.

Melissa: Can you prove it?

Melissa: Why do they call you the Duck?

Rubber Duck: Because it rhymes with "luck." See, my daddy always told me to be just like a duck. Stay smooth on the surface and paddle like the devil underneath!

Melissa: But they're all following you.

Rubber Duck: [looks at Melissa then road] No, they ain't. I'm just in front of them.

Melissa: Well I think I've had just about enough of this, thank you very much. I'll think I'll take my things and GET OUT. If you'll pull over to the side, I'm sure I can hitch a ride very easily... Weren't you listening to me? I said I'm ready to get out!

Rubber Duck: You want out? We're being chased. You want out? Jump.

Melissa: You want to add the Mann Act to your collection?

Rubber Duck: Mann Act's for 18 year olds, not someone who's seen the better side of thirty!

Walker: There is never enough time.

Melissa: Time for what?

Walker: To satisfy a woman.

Melissa: Then you never want to miss an opportunity.

[after stopping a crook without violence]

Walker: He must have read my mind.

Melissa: The way you speak English, he'd have to.

Michael: This could've been a classy joint back in the day.

Melissa: What do you know about class?

Melissa: Where are we going?

Russell: Seventh floor.

Melissa: Why?

Russell: Lucky number?

Melissa: God, his hand. What happened?

Richie: You mean The Claw?

Tye: Leprosy.

Richie: I heard chihuahua attack.

Melissa: The maid's quarters? Romantic.

Russell: You know what they say. Beggars can't be choosers.

Melissa: Who's begging?

Melissa: [Opening her lunch] I specifically asked for no meat.

Tye: Granola Girl's on the rampage.

Michael: Should've left her tofu-munching ass back in County.

Melissa: [Michael throws a can at a stray dog she's trying to feed. It runs away] Fucking moron!

Michael: [laughing] What?

Melissa: He's starving!

Michael: What? He's a fucking stray dog. Who gives a shit?

Zoe: All this for Russell?

Melissa: He's interested in my views.

Zoe: Is that why he keeps looking at your ass? My girl even shaved her hairy legs for this guy!

Melissa: Yeah, well I was getting a little sick of the natural look, anyway.

Zoe: If you call looking like a Hobbit natural.

Melissa: I am tired of the club scene!

Vicky: So are the baby seals!

Melissa: [about Helen] Has she ever held on to a man?

Vicky: Only by the throat.

Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.

Stu Price: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.

Phil Wenneck: [yells from outside] Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!

Stu Price: I should go.

Melissa: That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.

Alan Garner: It was a real pleasure meeting you.

Melissa: Fuck off!

Alan Garner: I'm thinking about getting my bartender's license.

Melissa: Suck my dick.

Alan Garner: No, thank you.

Melissa: Why would you go to Las Vegas?

Stu Price: 'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.

Melissa: That's not what *you* do.

Stu Price: Really? Well, then why did I do it? Huh? 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it? You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.

Melissa: That is not how this works!

Stu Price: Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!

Melissa: Oh, really? Since when?

Stu Price: Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!

Alan Garner: You told me it was a bartender.

Stu Price: Oh! You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.

Melissa: You're an idiot!

Stu Price: You're a - You...

[struggles]

Stu Price: You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!

Melissa: Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.

Ace Ventura: Pleasure to meet you.

Melissa: Did you have any trouble getting in?

Ace Ventura: No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.

Melissa: You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.

Ace Ventura: Oh yeah? And you're ugly.

Melissa: Ace, get out of the tank.

Ace Ventura: [talking like Scotty from Star Trek] I just can't do it, Captain. I don't have the power.

Melissa: I said, get out of the tank now!

Ace Ventura: For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man!

Melissa: That was pretty impressive, what you did at the apartment.

Ace Ventura: You don't have to tell me. I was there.

Melissa: I swear if you do anything to embarass me in front of Camp...

Ace Ventura: What? Like this?

[makes weird noises, doorman answers the door]

Ace Ventura: Aye, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard, sir!

Ronald Camp: Who is he, a friend?

Melissa: No, this is my date. He's a lawyer.

Ronald Camp: Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer?"

Melissa: No, this is Ace... um, Tom Ace.

Ace Ventura: Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Sir and may I congradulate you on all your success... you smell TEREFFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?

Ronald Camp: [nervously] Very, very well, thank you.

Melissa: [in her office, she is showing Ace a video of the halftime routine performed by their missing mascot, Snowflake. She sees Ace chewing on either birdseeds or sunflower seeds, and spreading the leftovers in a neat pile on her desk] Would you like an ashtray?

Ace Ventura: Hmm-mmm. I don't smoke. It's a disgusting habit.

Lois Einhorn: [after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers] Shoot him! Shoot him!

Emilio: [offscreen] Hold your fire!

[walks in with Melissa, gun to his head]

Emilio: Don't shoot!

Melissa: Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!

[cocks revolver]

Emilio: She's not joking!

Lois Einhorn: [ignoring them] He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was going to kill Dan Marino and meeeeee!

Ace Ventura: Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section a little more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up the NFL's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.

[takes deep breath]

Ace Ventura: What you wouldn't read about was how Ray Finkle lost his mind was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino for whom he blamed the entire thing!

[takes another deep, relief breath]

Aguado: What the hell are you talking about?

Ace Ventura: SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man.

Lois Einhorn: He's lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!

Riddle: [angry] How in the hell do you lose a five hundred pound fish?

[Melissa wants to say something]

Riddle: What?

Melissa: I'm sorry sir, I was just going to say, that it's not a fish, it's a mammal.

Riddle: Thank you, Miss Jacques Cousteau.

Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?

Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.

Melissa: Have you ever heard of FAN?

Ace Ventura: Free Animals Now. Started in 1982, by Chelsea Gamble, daughter of the famous industrialist Fisher Gamble. Over half a million members from Florida to Finland. No. Who are they?

Melissa: Ace, Where are you?

Ace Ventura: I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor.

Melissa: Ace?

Ace Ventura: [holds the phone away from his mouth and waits a second] Thought I left, didn't ya?

Melissa: [laughs]

Ace Ventura: Ok, I'm really gonna go this time.

[Melissa and Ace are reading news clippings about Ray Finkle]

Melissa: "Replacement Kicker Having a Great Year." "Ready For Super Bowl, All-Star Kicker Boasts."

Ace Ventura: "Field Goal Sails Wide. Dolphins Lose Super Bowl."

Melissa: The "Kick Heard Round The World." That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.

[Ace lets out an impressed whistle. Melissa flips to the next clipping, with a headline that reads "Finkle Contract Not Renewed."]

Melissa: Poor guy.

Ace Ventura: Poor guy with a motive, baby.

Melissa: You know what? I'm not even going to talk to you. Would you please leave.

Ace Ventura: Why? So you can beat him?

[talking about Melissa's dog]

Ace Ventura: Fatty.

Melissa: You're unbelievable. Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made.

Ace Ventura: Well, why don't you cry about it. Saddlebags.

Ace Ventura: Melissa, it's Ace!

Melissa: Ace, where are you?

Ace Ventura: I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the mayor!

[Melissa is pretending to be Ace's sister to check him into a mental hospital]

Doctor: Has he always had a history of mental illness?

Melissa: [truthfully] For as long as I've known him.

Ace Ventura: Where's Dan Marino?

Melissa: Marino, why?

Ace Ventura: Because he's about to join Snowflake. I've got to know where he is.

Ronald Camp: [about his fish collection] They're wonderful, aren't they?

Melissa: Yes, they certainly are.

Ronald Camp: No matter what's going on in my life, I can always watch them swim and be totally at peace.

Melissa: Why did it have to happen now, two weeks before the Superbowl?

Melissa: He spoke to me!

Girl #2: He called you Connie!

Melissa: So?

Girl #2: Your name is Melissa!

[discussing the Bridemaid's dresses]

Melissa: What's your dress size, Tom?

Tom: I don't know. What's your jock size, Melissa?

Melissa: Service me bitch!

Melissa: Could someone please pass me the Splenda?

[Tom offers her the sugar bowl]

Melissa: Could someone who is not a misogynist pass the Splenda?

Melissa: [Stephanie takes the sugar bowl out of Tom's hand and passes it to Melissa] Thank you, Stephanie.

[first lines]

Melissa: How long do we have to keep watching this crap?... Only a moron can sit and watch two football games, one after the other.

[first lines]

Melissa: I just feel really close to you.

Tripp: You ARE really close to me.

Melissa: So, where do you see us goin'?

Tripp: Well, tonight, I see us going back to my place.

Al: [walking in on Tripp and Melissa having sex] Tripp, as long as you're up, son...

Melissa: Oh!

Al: Oh.

Tripp: Oh, come on, Pop!

Al: Ooo.

Tripp: Whoa, man. Don't you knock?

Al: What? Your mama's... She's snorin' like a rhino. And then this music got started... heh... heh. Oh, hey, you must be Melody.

Tripp: Mm-mm.

Melissa: Melissa.

Al: Oh! It's Melissa! Ha-ha. It's Melissa. Okay. All right. Y'all have a good time.

Tripp: Night, Pop.

Melissa: Huh.

Tripp: Hmm.

Melissa: You live with your parents?

Tripp: Is that a problem?

Melissa: Are you kidding me?

Principal Pepper: May I have your attention, please? Uh, we have a real treat for you folks. I'd like you to all welcome our own guard, Josh Framm. And the new mascot, for the Timberwolves basketball team, Air-Bud!

Melissa: Great.

[Josh brings Buddy to the basketball rim, tosses a basketball to get Buddy pop up and through the net. Buddy was not ready, the audience laughs while teammate Timberwolves lightly moan]

Josh Framm: [sighs] Let's go. Let's go. Come on, I'm just playing. Yeah, good boy. Just, like we always do. You already showed me that. Don't worry about all those people out there. Hey, good boy. Yeah, good boy. Let's go. Come on. Let's go, boy.

[bounces basketball on floor once]

Josh Framm: Come on. Let's go. Good boy. You wanna play?

[tosses basketball towards Buddy; while it is in the air in front of Buddy's face, Buddy knocks it up and into rim for a basket; the audience cheers]

Josh Framm: [During first Timberwolves & Warriors basketball game, Buddy comes into gymnasium and knocked basketball out of a Warrior's grip] Buddy!

[Both teams start chasing Buddy, to try to get the basketball back, saying "Get him!"]

Josh Framm: Buddy, stop!

Referee #1: Hey, gimme that ball.

Jackie Framm: [Loose basketball then hits a Gatorade ice-chest, causing a big spill on gymnasium floor] Excuse me.

Josh Framm: Get back here.

[basketball hits referee in his forehead, making him walk to bench. Meanwhile, the other referee loses his balance and slides into a table, hitting one set of legs, causing the table to fold on end nearly injure him]

Josh Framm: Buddy, no!

[Buddy then causes a rack of basketballs to spill, onto floor]

Josh Framm: Buddy, no!

[Josh gets the basketball, then Buddy knocks it, out of Josh's hands and up into basketball rim for a bucket. Audience and referees are a -first in shock and then start cheering for Buddy]

Josh Framm: Buddy, bad dog!

Jackie Framm: Sorry, Josh. Come on, Buddy.

Josh Framm: [after the game] Hey, boy.

Jackie Framm: Did you know that Buddy could do that? Did you know that Buddy could play basketball?

Principal Pepper: [chuckling] There he is! Oh, the man of the hour! And the dog! I swear, I wouldn't have believed it, if I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes! A basketball-playing dog! A regular Michael "Woof" Jordan! You've been keeping this under your hats! Oh, I'm going off like a faucet. Melissa, this is Mrs. Framm... and her talented son, Josh.

Melissa: Hi.

Josh Framm: Hi.

Melissa: I'm the president, of the Booster Club and wondered if you and...

Josh Framm: Buddy.

Melissa: Buddy could do that trick, at the next half-time show.

Principal Pepper: Wouldn't he be a great mascot?

Josh Framm: [Buddy leaves them, going back to the gymnasium, having overheard Coach Barker shouting at and mistreating Timberwolf Tom Stewart] Buddy? Buddy!

Coach Barker: You're never going to drop another ball, Stewart!

[starts throwing a group of basketballs at Tom Stewart too hard and to fast for him to successfully catch any of them, to vent out his anger]

Principal Pepper: [opens the gymnasium door] What's going on here?

Coach Barker: Just running Tom through a little drill.

Principal Pepper: That'll be enough, Joe. That will be enough.

Josh Framm: [Josh pets Buddy's head at gymnasium door] Good boy!

Club Patron: That'll be another $120!

Tucker Max: [to the Feminist girls] Holy shit! You guys aren't worth that much

Melissa: [smugly] Oh our company is priceless.

Drew: If it lacks a price... It's probably worthless.

Melissa: Your outfit is... um...

Tommy Warshaw: Orange?

Melissa: Really orange.

Pappass: No tittie. No tittie at all. I've seen lemons bigger.

Tommy Warshaw: Pappass!

Melissa: It's okay, I really don't care.

[sits down]

Tommy Warshaw: [sitting down too] Yeah, well, like, me neither. I have small balls, you know?

Melissa: [speechless]

Tommy Warshaw: But that's good, right?

Melissa: I don't know.

Pappass: [sitting down now] I have a huge penis.

Stacy: Yeah. Now, when you're with a guy, you're not just sleeping with him, you're sleeping with everyone they've had sex with.

Ilene: And everyone they've had sex with.

Ilene, Melissa: And everyone *they've* had sex with!

Melissa: Gee, I'm a lot more experienced than I thought I was!

[They laugh.]

Stacy: This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but I remember when it was actually fun to say, "WOW, that really felt great! What's your name again?"

Melissa: I've never had sex with someone I didn't know. For that matter, I've never said, "Wow, that felt really great."

[Melissa's dream.]

Dr. Goodman: The good news is that your Blue Cross will cover this visit. The bad news is that you have herpes simplex I and II, trichomonas, gonorrhea, acute

[sic]

Dr. Goodman: immune deficiency syndrome related complex, vulvar lesions, secondary syphilis, venereal warts, and a potentially unbearable case of crabs.

Melissa: But he was only the third guy in my life, and the first one didn't count!

Dr. Goodman: Oh, all contact counts.

Melissa: But I thought I had safe sex.

Dr. Goodman: Oh, no sex is safe enough for you, Melissa. Well, enjoy the rest of your vacation.

[Plunges huge needle into her.]

[Attempting seduction.]

Matthew: Melissa, did you know that women experience 63% more heightened sensitivity during the arousal phase than during climax itself?

Melissa: Really? I like all the phases.

[Several minutes into the attempted seduction.]

Melissa: What's the matter?

Matthew: We have a problem.

Melissa: Well, what is it?

Matthew: I can't. I'm sorry.

Melissa: Is it me?

Matthew: No no no, it's not you. It's me. I'm not attracted to you.

Melissa: Oh.

Matthew: Now, I don't want you to take this as a rejection, but as an acceptance between two people whose needs are profoundly incompatible. And you're not alone. I devote an entire chapter to this in my book.

[To the camera.]

Melissa: I really wish you hadn't seen that.

[Narrating as we see an image of Melissa as Marilyn Monroe on the subway vent in [link=tt0048605].]

Melissa: Just once I'd like to wear a sexy white dress blowing all around me and not have men run away screaming. Just once I'd like to have the kind of sexual experience where you don't have to go to the bathroom and cry afterwards.

Stacy: I bet Marilyn cried in the bathroom after sex, probably more than once. Everyone does.

Melissa: Men too?

Stacy: They can't. They're asleep.

Ilene: Haven't you ever had an orgasm?

Melissa: Oh, yeah, sure-- No, not really. I mean, not with someone else in the room.

Melissa: Uh, this is one that the kids at school told me. Why did the chicken go halfway across the street?

Vinny: Why?

Melissa: He wanted to lay it on the line. --You're not laughing.

Vinny: Oh, not yet, not yet. Inside, it's building, it's building. About a half hour from now I'll be rolling all over the beach, I'm telling you. You won't be able to stop me. I'll be in hysterics.

Melissa: You know, Matthew's a psychologist. I just love therapy. I think everyone should be in therapy.

Matthew: That would be good for me. Actually, I'm here to do reseach for a book I'm writing, on the psycho-sexual tendencies of pre-menopausal females.

Vinny: Yeah, me too.

Unknown suitor: Melissa, marry me!

Melissa: Do I know you?

Unknown suitor: No, but I just met your parents and they really like me.

Cassie: Alex wants to fuck me so bad, sometimes I think he'll pop the question just to get laid.

Melissa: Wow. I can't believe you've gotten him to wait so long.

Cassie: You surrender the pink too soon, honey, they're on to the next thing. Alex is my ticket out of middle America. I help him out with a bj now and then, but he won't get what he wants until I get what I want.

Melissa: You gold-digger!

Jason: We can take a little romantic walk in the moonlight, you know what I mean?

Melissa: Can you even walk?

Jason: Oh, I can do a lot more than that, baby.

Melissa: Can we get your autograph?

Ben Camelino: Oh right there huh?

Lewis Gardner: That's a boob.

Lewis Gardner: Can I sign too, is that?

Melissa: In your dreams freak.

Martin Rose: There is doubt.

Melissa: You lawyers, you like your fucking doubt, don't you? Well, I can't use doubt. I can only use certainty. I need certain knowledge in order to do my job.

[Sutter has blocked Melissa's car in a parking lot]

Melissa: Hey! You're blocking my car.

[Sutter knocks her out and kidnaps her]

Melissa: What can I tell you about men? They want you to be their daughter, their mother, their addiction. They want you to want them, and then they don't want you anymore.

Melissa: I feel so dirty.

Gavin: That's how I like it.

Gavin: As soon as I got back, I just feel like... I feel like there's someone else there. And then last night, I thought I heard something, like a woman singing.

Melissa: What like a ghost? A singing ghost?

Gavin: I guess. And then I saw something; I actually ran into someone. I saw...

Melissa: Was it the singing ghost?

Gavin: It was a man.

Melissa: Oh.

Gavin: I think it was me.

Melissa: Your house is haunted by yourself?

Richie: So, do you think I can make an honest woman out of you?

Melissa: I've been a bad girl!

Richie: You certainly have. And you'll be an even worse girl in two minutes.

Melissa: [about Justin] My mother's probably egging him on, knowing her.

Richie: Your mother is an alcoholic bitch!

Melissa: Look who's talking!

Melissa: Tell your daddy to behave.

Kyle: He don't listen!

Kathleen: It's all you wanted to do, just cry. And now look at you. There's two men out there in the kitchen fightin' over you, and you should be happy they both love you.

Melissa: That ain't love.

Kathleen: Richie doesn't hit you and never has, so you did good there.

Melissa: The state trooper down the road said you guys were closed.

Jesus: Yeah, he's been trying to keep people away from me for years. It's a personal thing.

Jesus: Would you like some water?

Melissa: Yeah.

Kayla: Do you have any coffee?

Jesus: I'm sorry, all I serve here is water.

Kayla: You have got to be kidding me.

Melissa: This tastes great.

Jesus: It's my own recipe. Two molecules of hydrogen and one of oxygen.

Melissa: Hey, Tina.

[Nick appears wearing a big fat jacket on backwards]

Melissa: This how they wear their jackets back at the mental hospital?

[Tina gets angry and snaps Melissa's pearl necklace with her telekinesis]

Melissa: You are nuts!

Nick: Shut up, Melissa.

Melissa: I don't believe you. You people give me the creeps.

[walks away]

Nick: Hey, where do you think you're going?

Melissa: I'm going back to bed. You wanna come?

Nick: Look, Melissa, just stay here with us.

Melissa: It's not my style.

Nick: Don't go out there!

Melissa: Fuck you. And fuck you both!

[opens the door to see Jason standing there; he bludgeons her head with an axe]

Melissa: Eddie... Eddie! This isn't going to work out.

Eddie: What's the matter?

Melissa: I lied.

Eddie: Lied about what?

Melissa: About everything. You just don't turn me on, really. But c'mon, at least I gave you a chance. You just didn't come through. Anyway, I was kind of hoping Nick would come back and find you with me.

Eddie: Why'd you lie?

Melissa: You know, make him jealous.

Eddie: Rejection. Okay, fine. I can take it. I've been rejected by some of the finest science fiction magazines in the continental United States!

Melissa: Eddie, where are you going?

Eddie: To take a cold shower. I got a date with a soap on a rope.

Melissa: Hey Nick, you still mad at me?

Nick: What was that crap you pulled on Tina?

Melissa: That chick's crazy. Besides, all is fair in love and war.

Nick: Melissa, I don't even like you.

Melissa: "Like" has nothing to do with it.

Sandra: So what do you think of Nick?

Melissa: [eyeing Nick] Gee, I hadn't noticed.

Melissa: Hi, I'm Melissa.

Tina: I'm Tina from next door.

Melissa: [snottily] I know!

Russell: Maddy, who's friend is that scuzball dope head?

Melissa: Only the birthday boy's best friend!

Maddy: [grabbing Melissa's necklace] Melissa, those are so pretty. They are absolutely gorgeous. Are they real?

David: [enters kitchen] What a stupid place to put a lamp.

Melissa: There real! On my birthday, my daddy says to me, "Melissa, you are the perfect daughter," and he gives me these and says, "To the best little girl in the whole world!"

[Trying to elicit the Incubus]

Melissa: Thou tell me thy name, the date, and thy hour of coming out! I command thee!

[at the pond]

Melissa: This is where the fish lives.

Jodie: This your pond?

Melissa: It belongs to my father.

Jodie: Oh. Does he mind if people skip rocks across it?

Melissa: Who are you?

Satan: I am a friend and companion of the night. I rejoice in spilled blood and the baying of dogs. I wander among shades and tombs. I am Gorgo, and Mormo, of the thousand-faced moon.

Melissa: So, Kay. You know those phones that are like, connected to the wall? Do we have one of those here? And does it work the same?

Melissa: I'll drive first. I want to get it over with.

Karen: [everyone looks at Karen] Don't look at me. I wanted to go to the beach, not some redneck mountain resort!

Mark: Karen, the beach is overrated.

Parker: Yeah, but big busty blondes in bikinis! That's no overrated.

Melissa: But old men in thongs are.

Parker: [reading article about murder] This is some pretty heavy stuff for some small town, isn't it?

Karen: We should have gone to the beach. I could be getting such a good tan right now!

Melissa: Don't look at me. The mountains were'nt my idea.

Mark: [reads article] God. She was stabbed 13 times. She wasn't murdered, she was mutilated!

Parker: [yanks article out of Mark's hands] Would you keep it down! You'll scare the girls.

Melissa: What about me? Huh, what about how I feel? Did you ever stop to consider that? Huh? I mean, what did you think I was just some slut plaything you could do what you want with and then just throw me away afterwards?

Melissa: What did he do, fuck some other girl?

Laura: Excuse me?

Melissa: Did he put his cock somewhere he shouldn't have?

Melissa: You're a killer now, is that it? Well, you know, guns are pretty messy, are you sure you can handle it?

[Melissa is driving Doug, whom she's only just met, home in her car]

Melissa: [In the middle of an small-talk conversion] So you wanna fuck?

Doug: What?

Melissa: Fuck.

[Doug chuckles awkwardly]

Melissa: I can demonstrate, if you like.

Doug: I already told you, I have a girlfried.

Melissa: I don't know. Your mouth says that...

[she places her hand on his jeans]

Melissa: ... but your body is saying something different.

[Melissa pulls off the road and on to a baseball field, where she and Doug proceed to have sex]

Eddie Morra: Just finish your story.

Melissa: Well, I didn't take any more. And I didn't die. But after awhile I realized that I couldn't concentrate on anything for longer than 10 minutes, that I, uh, I missed deadlines, got lazy, slow, so slow, that was two years ago. I haven't been the same since.