Monk Quotes in Van Helsing (2004)

Carl: Ah! Here's something new!

[pumps a drop of the yellow liquid onto his pinky finger]

Carl: Glycerine-48.

[snaps his wrist, causing a large explosion after the Glycerine-48 hits the floor. The workers shout and gasp in anger and shock]

Carl: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Carl: [turns to Van Helsing, his magnifying glasses over his eyes] Sorry!

Monk: [offscreen in the background] What in the name of Allah is wrong with you?

Carl: [to Van Helsing] The air around here is thick with envy...

Monk: Get up and shut up, Mandrake!

Caleb Mandrake: I'm sorry, Mr. Monk.

Tim Kearney: I've got everything I want.

Monk: You're definitely not Bobby Z.

Monk: Have no fear! Doc Savage is here!

Monk: [when asked the dead Mayan's identity] One thing's for sure: he ain't no native New Yorker.

Brig. Gen. Theodore Marley 'Ham' Brooks: The word is: 'isn't.

Monk: Isn't, ain't what's the difference?

[first lines]

[a village meeting starts]

Monk: This Dragon Pearl is a treasure in our village. It has been with us for over one hundred years now. It was watched over us, and brought us peace and prosperity. And right now, I am going to hand it over to our new village chief!

Monk: [At the observatory] Are you Monsieur Gustave of the Grand Budapest Hotel in Nebelsbad?

M. Gustave: Uh-huh.

Monk: Get on the next cable car.

Monk: [On the cable car] Are you Monsieur Gustave of the Grand Budapest Hotel in Nebelsbad?

M. Gustave: Uh-huh.

Monk: Switch with me.

Monk: [At the monastery] Are you Monsieur Gustave of the Grand Budapest Hotel in Nebelsbad?

M. Gustave: Uh-huh.

Monk: [Hands them robes] Put these on and sing.

Monk: [Inside the monastery] Psst. Are you Monsieur Gustave of the Grand B...

M. Gustave: Yes, dammit!

Monk: Confess.

M. Gustave: I'm innocent!

Monk: No, no.

[indicates confession booth]

Monk: Holy Father, they smashed the Holy Relic!

Brother Johannes: Oafs will be oafs!

Monk: All right, go ahead. Just see how far you get. Go on, go on. You won't last. You'll see how it is in the real world. Go on. You'll come back. You're just bluff. You're all phony. You'll be back. It may take a week, it may take an hour, but you'll be back.

Brian Stimpson: [ringing bell at the monastery] Oh come on please! Turn the bloody record player down for God's sake!

Brian Stimpson: [the window opens] Now, hello, would you have a tractor would you?

Monk: One moment.

[opens door]

Brian Stimpson: Now, er...

[looks around the place]

Brian Stimpson: Ooh dear, a monastery. I might have guessed!

The Sheriff: That damn woman!

Monk: Yes, I know what you mean.

The Sheriff: What, you? You're a monk!

Monk: Well, I'm very well read... and I dream.

[smiles]

Monk: I dream a lot.

SEN 5241: [kneeling in a studio before a large image of OMM] Things don't seem to make sense. Sometimes I see things get left out, and... they don't fit. People don't seem to see them. Or they don't know what to do. Sometimes I - Sometimes a little - a little adjustment -

[laughs]

SEN 5241: can make all the difference. I wanna do the right thing. I wanna go back. I - I - I can s - I can start again. I can... change. I can - I can help. I just need a - need to rest up for a little while.

Monk: This is no place for prayer. If you want to speak to OMM, you must go to a unichapel. You know that.

SEN 5241: Yes.

Monk: What? Are you in any trouble?

SEN 5241: No, I - I'm okay, I'm going now.

Monk: What's your number and what's your prefix? I'm going to see this gets into your report.

SEN 5241: [stammering] No, I'm leaving now.

Monk: I'm sorry, I - I have to report all intruders. Uh, where's your identification badge?

SEN 5241: I... lost it.

Monk: You're in violation. I'm gonna have to report you to the authorities.

Christopher Columbus: And so Father, the ship sails east from Spain over a long and tedious route and finally, after much travel, it lands in the Indies. Now, just suppose it were possible to reach the Indies by traveling in the opposite direction. West instead of east. And just suppose the route was shorter and more direct.

Monk: Impossible. Impossible.

Christopher Columbus: Why?

Monk: I'll show you why. Only madmen would sail on the alchemy. You would sail right off the end of the earth into a dark abyss. Boom. No more ship.

Christopher Columbus: But suppose Father, that there were no end of the earth, no dark abyss. Here,

[Picks up an orange]

Christopher Columbus: Suppose this is Spain and suppose these are the Indies. And suppose instead of traveling east, the ship travels west to around the earth and in half the time, lands in the Indies.

Monk: Possible. Possible. Buono. Buono.

Monk: "You know what you all are? You're all a bunch of friggin' freaks and honkies! Every damn last one of you! I'm going to town to get me some steak and whiskey!"

Old Devil: Give me the book or I'll kill you all.

Monk: Don't threaten us and get off our roof!