Igor Quotes in Van Helsing (2004)

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Igor... Do unto others...

Igor: Before they do it unto me!

[Dracula sees Igor poking the werewolf with a cattle prod]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Igor!

Igor: Yes, Master?

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Why do you torment that thing so?

Igor: It's what I do.

Igor: I am sorry, Master. We try and we try, but I fear we are not so smart as Doctor Frankenstein.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Truly. It would appear that the good Doctor took the key to life to his grave.

[the Werewolf climbs up onto the parapet. Dracula waves him away, dismissive]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Hunt them down. Kill them both.

Igor: Please, don't kill me!

Van Helsing: Why not?

Igor: Well, um... I... um... uh...

Van Helsing: You're going to take them and lead them to the antidote.

Igor: No, I'm not!

[Van Helsing grabs Igor with his werewolf strength and throws him violently against the wall]

Igor: Yes, I am.

Igor: [Igor gloats in his knowledge about the monster to Anna and Van Helsing, as an homage to Lugosi's original appearance as Igor] You think you fool Igor, but Igor fool you!

[at the Lincoln Memorial]

Starscream: Oh, my master, such a brilliant scheme! So when Sentinel left Cybertron, it was to defect!

Megatron: He was meant to rendezvous with me here on Earth, before fate waylaid us both. The only way to revive him: we needed Prime and his Matrix.

[blasts the Lincoln statue]

Starscream: Excellent strategy!

Igor: [chomping Lincoln's head] Mine! Mine!

Starscream: So, he is now your partner.

Megatron: He is my greatest triumph.

Starscream: So impressive!

Megatron: All hail Megatron!

Igor: [hopping around] Masssterr...

Bo: I guess it's our turn. This is the year I met the MOST gorgeous...

Nookie: No... YOU'RE gorgeous.

Bo: You're gorgeous... -ER.

Tug: Get a cave.

Igor: Oy.

[starts speaking in his language]

Mabel: If only EDGAR was alive.

Edgar: I told you, woman, I'm right here.

Bo: I love you, buttercup.

Igor: [getting off circus train] Serge, you stay here and watch monkeys; I get us coffee.

Serge: No, no, no, Igor, YOU stay and watch monkeys; I get us coffee.

Igor: Nien! Monkeys watch YOU; I GET COFFEE!

Serge: [Later, drinking coffee] You know, I think coffee is better in St. Petersburg.

Igor: No, it is better in Kiev.

Serge: No; is better in St. Petersburg.

Igor: NOTHING is better in St. Petersburg!

Dr. Eric Williams: It's done, Igor! It's done! This time we can't fail! Igor, this apparatus, being attached to a cloth, will emit soundwaves that Piscis will catch in the microscopic wire control that we grafted in the basis of his brain. Number One will be in charge of putting it on the cape of that woman. And then, it will be easy to locate her.

[Laughs manicly]

Dr. Eric Williams: I want Piscis to be precisely the one to bring her to me. And then... my revenge will be terrible! Terrible!

Igor: And the policeman?

Dr. Eric Williams: He'll face the same fate. Then, we will leave to another country to get more sounders. We will make a dozen... a hundred fish-men that will give us the full control of the oceans of the world! We will create hundreds, hundreds!

[laughs manically]

Igor: [to Emiliano a.k.a. Goliath] Dog of a peasant! You dare to threaten me? I'll have you flogged!

Igor: Londo, your dancing makes fires burn in my veins.

Igor: I walked in nonchalantly and talked about the site, how people from all over the world can log in and track the cranes. You should have seen Green's excitement.

Igor: It's for you. It's Dad.

Igor: Hello.

Peter: How's it going, Igoryuk? How are you doing in Israel?

Igor: Okay.

Peter: Okay, that's good. Have you seen the site already?

Karl the Great: Dumb kid.

Igor: What?

Karl the Great: Why did you save me? I have nothing to do here.

Igor: Dad, is it true cranes mate for life?

Peter: Yes, how did you know? Did I tell you that?

Igor: No, I read it on the internet.

Igor: Maaasterrr... The plaaaannnsss!

Dr. Finkelstein: Excellent, Igor.

[Throws him a doggy treat]

Igor: Only one thing left to do...

Brain: Ha-ha, he said "do."

Igor: [shouts] Pull the switch!

[Igor's "switch!" echoes several times. Nothing happens. He looks over at Scamper, standing by the switch]

Scamper: Do *not* yell at me.

Igor: Oh, I-I'm sorry. I just... pull the switch?

[No response]

Igor: Please pull the switch.

Scamper: That's better.

Igor: As somebody I loved once said: It's better to be a good nobody, than an evil somebody.

Igor: He tricked us into believing that we need to be evil to survive. But we don't! None of us do.

[first lines]

Igor: [voice over] Nice weather we're having, huh? Here in the Kingdom of Malaria, every day's forecast is rainy, with a 100% chance of horror! It wasn't always like this, though. Years ago, Malaria was a sunny land of farmers, until the mysterious storm clouds rolled in, and never left. They killed our crops, and our people became poor. And that's when King Malpert thought up a new way for us to make money: Evil Inventions! The kind that crush you, kill you, bring you back to life, then kill you again way worse! We invent them, and the world pays us not to unleash them. Oh, it's a great gig, especially if you're an evil scientist. Fame, fortune, a rent-free castle in the hills. They get it all! They're the top of the heap!

Dr. Holzwurm: Igor, pull the switch!

Dr. Holzwurm's Igor: Yes, Master.

Igor: [voice over] And the bottom of the heap? Those are the poor schlobs like me, born with a hunch on our back - Igors.

Igor: [voice over] That's Scamper, one of my most successful inventions.

[Scamper drops a giant weight on himself, flattening himself]

Igor: [voice over] I made him immortal, which is kind of a hassle for him, since he doesn't want to live.

Scamper: [fills out again] Will *nothing* end this vicious cycle?

Igor: [voice over] I also made him talk, which is a hassle for me, since he never shuts up.

Igor: [voice over] That's Brain, one of my other inventions. Legend has it when the smartest man in the world died, they put his brain in a jar... this is not that brain.

Igor: Hi, I'm here about the "Igor Wanted" ad. My name's Igor. Well, of course it is. I have a hunch, what's my name gonna be? Kevin?

[following Eva's trail to an orphanage, they hear screams from inside]

Igor: Oh, God, she's killing blind orphans! That's so... evil! I mean, which is great! But... *blind orphans*?

Brain: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Why does *he* get to pull the switch?

Scamper: Because I'm not an idiot, *Brian*.

Brain: My name is not Brian!

Scamper: Then you must have his jar.

Igor: Stop! You can both pull the switch. On the count of three. One...

[Scamper pulls the switch]

Brain: Hey, no fair!

Igor: [looks at his beginning invention] I know, right? And she's not even done, yet!

Igor: I always wanted to be an evil scientist. Unfortunately the hunch on my back was a one-way ticket to Igor School. I majored in Talking With A Slur and graduated with a Yes Masters Degree.

Igor: [voice over] But eventually I landed a job for Dr. Glickenstein.

Dr. Glickenstein: Pull the switch!

Igor: [voice over] Not the smartest scientist. His last invention was an Evil Lasagna. It didn't kill anyone, and it actually tasted pretty good.

Dr. Glickenstein: Now to take the old cow for a test drive!

Igor: No, Master! The rocket is going to...!

[the rocket explodes, scattering pieces of Glickenstein everywhere]

Igor: Uh, yeah, that.

Scamper: Finally! Now I can throw out that rug in the foyer, that thing is hideous.

[off their looks]

Scamper: We were all thinking it, I just said it.

King Malbert: [after the sun comes out, and Eva stored to her good-natured self] WAIT, WHAT'S HAPPENING!

Igor: The end of Malaria's evil role in the world.

Carl Cristall: Camera 2.

[camera focuses on Igor]

Igor: Oh, uhh, oh, excellent, uh, thank you uhh... For generations King Malbert has kept us, in the dark. By creating the clouds, with a weather ray. HE LIED TO US! WE TRUSTED HIM, AND HE LIED TO US! He tricked us into thinking we needed to be evil, TO SURVIVE! BUT WE DON'T, none us do.

[audience boo at King Malbert]

King Malbert: THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! HE HAS NO PROOF, WHERE'S HIS PROOF, I DEMAND TO SEE PROOF!

Igor: You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him... the things he'd say to me.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What did he say?

Igor: "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?"

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [to Igor] Now that brain that you gave me. Was it Hans Delbruck's?

Igor: [pause, then] No.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Ah! Very good. Would you mind telling me whose brain I DID put in?

Igor: Then you won't be angry?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I will NOT be angry.

Igor: Abby someone.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [pause, then] Abby someone. Abby who?

Igor: Abby... Normal.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [pause, then] Abby Normal?

Igor: I'm almost sure that was the name.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [chuckles, then] Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA?

[grabs Igor and starts throttling him]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Is that what you're telling me?

Igor: Dr. Frankenstein...

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: "Fronkensteen."

Igor: You're putting me on.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No, it's pronounced "Fronkensteen."

Igor: Do you also say "Froaderick"?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No... "Frederick."

Igor: Well, why isn't it "Froaderick Fronkensteen"?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: It isn't; it's "Frederick Fronkensteen."

Igor: I see.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You must be Igor.

[He pronounces it ee-gor]

Igor: No, it's pronounced "eye-gor."

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: But they told me it was "ee-gor."

Igor: Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [Reading from his grandfathers' notebook] "As the minuteness of the parts formed a great hinderance to my speed, I resolved therefore to make a being of a gigantic stature."

[pause]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Of course. That would simplify everything.

Inga: In other vords: his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Exactly.

Inga: He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: That goes without saying.

Inga: Voof.

Igor: He's going to be very popular.

Inga: Werewolf!

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Werewolf?

Igor: There.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What?

Igor: There, wolf. There, castle.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Why are you talking that way?

Igor: I thought you wanted to.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No, I don't want to.

Igor: [shrugs] Suit yourself. I'm easy.

[Frederick, Inga and Igor find an abandoned violin]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Well this explains the music.

Igor: It's still warm.

[Froederick and Igor are exhuming a dead criminal]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What a filthy job.

Igor: Could be worse.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: How?

Igor: Could be raining.

[it starts to pour]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door.

Inga: Yes, Doctor.

Igor: Nice working with ya.

[Dr. Frederick Frankenstein goes into the room with The Monster. The Monster wakes up]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. What's the matter with you people? I was joking! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? HA-HA-HA-HA. Jesus Christ, get me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! Mommy!

Igor: What is this?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Schwartzwalder Kirschtorte.

The Monster: [off-screen] MMMMMMM!

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Oh, do you like it? I'm not partial to desserts myself, but this is excellent.

Igor: Who are you talking to?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: To you. You just made a yummy sound, so I thought you liked the dessert.

Igor: I didn't make a yummy sound, I just asked you what it is.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: But you did. I just heard it.

Igor: It wasn't me.

Inga: It wasn't me.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Well, now look here. If it wasn't you, and it wasn't you...

[he asks himself]

The Monster: [off-camera] Mmmmmm!

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You know, I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.

Igor: What hump?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Damn your eyes.

Igor: [to camera] Too late.

[after failing to bring the creature to life]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Nothing.

Inga: Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace.

[starts beating up the creature]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Son of a bitch! Bastard! I'll get you for this! What did you do to me? What did you do to me.

Inga: Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I don't want to live. I do not want to live.

Igor: Quiet dignity and grace

[rolls eyes]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Oh... mama...

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Igor, help me with the bags.

Igor: [Imitating Groucho Marx] Soitenly. You take the blonde, I'll take the one in the toiben.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I was talking about the luggage.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Are you ready?

Igor: Are you sure this is how they did it?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Yes! It's all written down in the notes! Now tie off the kites and hurry down as fast as you can!

Igor: What's the hurry?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: There's a possibility of electrocution! Do you understand?

[no answer, shouts]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I said, there is a possibility of electrocution! Do you understand?

Igor: [suddenly appears next to Fredrick] I understand. I understand. Why are you shouting?

Igor: Wait Master, it might be dangerous... you go first.

Igor: [Peek back out from the castle's door] Blucher!

[Horses Whining]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: STAND BACK, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! HE'S GOT A ROTTEN BRAIN!

Frau Blücher: It's not rotten! It's a good brain!

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: IT'S ROTTEN, I TELL YOU! ROTTEN!

The Monster: [lunging at Dr. Frankenstein] RRAAAAAAAA!

Igor: Ixnay on the ottenray.

Igor: Sed-a...

Inga: Sed-a...

Igor: Dirty word! He said a dirty word!

Igor: Two nasty lookin' switches over there, but I'm not going to be the first.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: With such a specimen for a body, all we need now is an equally magnificant brain. You know what to do?

Igor: I have a pretty good idea.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [pointing to Igor's hump] Good man. Didn't you, didn't you use to have that on the other side?

Igor: What?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Your, uh, oh nevermind.

Igor: My grandfather used to work for your grandfather. Of course the rates have gone up.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Have all the preperations been made for the transference?

Inga: Yes, doctor.

Igor: Are you sure you want to go through with this?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: It's the only thing that can save him now.

Igor: You realize you're risking both your lives?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [plays a sour note] Yes.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Well it seems as if our mysterious violinist has disa...

[sees something]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: puh.

Inga: Disa what?

Igor: -ppeared.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Shh.

[in Victor Frankenstein's laboratory]

Igor: [sings] I ain't got no body, and nobody cares for me. Yakka tak ta a yakka tak ta ha!

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Igor.

Igor: Froedrick.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: How did you get here?

Igor: Through the dumbwaiter.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Eyegor.

Igor: Froadrick.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What is this place?

Igor: Music room?

[plucks violin string]

Igor: I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just... followed it down. Call it... a hunch. Ba-dum chi.

Igor: Where are you going?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: To wash up. I've got to look normal.

[his bowtie pops open]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: We've all of us got to behave normally.

Igor: It's gonna be a long night. If you need any help with the girls, I'll be...

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Throw... the third switch!

Igor: [shocked] Not the *third switch*!

Alex: [voice over] This is my miniature brother, Igor. I am tutoring him to be a man of this world. For an example, I exhibited him a smutty magazine three days yore.

Igor: [in Russian] Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?

Alex: [voice over] I explain it to him that this is because it was invented in the year 1969. I know this because my friend Grisha knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor.

Igor: [in Russian] What did people do before 1969?

Alex: [voice over] He is a genius, my miniature brother. He will be made a VIP if I have a thing to do with it.

[Michael video tapes himself about to play the second disk of the game Brainscan]

Michael: My name's Michael Brower. I'm 16 and I'm scared to death. I'm not sure what this tape's gonna prove, but if I'm the killer, consider this my confession. Uh, Igor, dial 1-800-555-FEAR.

Igor: Yes, Master.

[Kyle calls to talk to Michael]

Michael: [Michael answers his phone through his computer] Talk to me.

Igor: [Michael's computer Igor replies] Kyle is calling, Master.

Kyle: [Michael's best friend begins talking] Hello. I know you're there, dude!

Professor Gangreen: Igor! Come!

[a handsome blonde man enters]

Igor: Sir, I am happy to respond to your call and...

Professor Gangrene: Oh cut it out! I know you're only hanging around here until something opens up in the TV news field, but do you know how embarrassing it is that a villain of MY stature has an assistant that looks like you?

Siberian Svengali: [after audition] Bullshit.

Igor: How come?

Siberian Svengali: No commercial potential. Go to America. They'll put up with anything there...

[Igor gets clobbered by one of Dr. Goldfoot's female robots]

Igor: I wish I was dead... *again*!

Dr. Goldfoot: [as Igor is monitoring Diane's activity with Craig on a closed circuit TV screen] Igor!

Igor: Yes, Dr. Goldfoot?

Dr. Goldfoot: You bumbling idiot!

Igor: I did something wrong?

Dr. Goldfoot: "Something wrong?" - you sent her to the wrong man, that's what you did wrong.

Igor: I did?

Dr. Goldfoot: Yes! That's Craig Gamble, and he hasn't got a penny.

Igor: But Dr. Goldfoot, I thought...

Dr. Goldfoot: "You thought" - that's just the trouble. You leave the thinking to me, and we'll be much better off. Ha! Creating a lovely creature like that to waste her... "ammunition" on a, on a *pauper*! Fie on you! You're an idiot!

Dr. Goldfoot: You know, Igor, I'm beginning to regret that I brought you back to life.

Igor: Why?

Dr. Goldfoot: You're inept. Obtuse. Uncouth. Unlettered. Ungrateful. Uncooperative. Uncouth...

Igor: You said "uncouth," Dr. Goldfoot.

Dr. Goldfoot: ...and unnecessary. But then, that's what I get for... digging up a gravedigger.

[pats Igor on the shoulder, as Igor hangs his head]

Dr. Goldfoot: [Igor has gotten locked in one of the cells in Dr. Goldfoot's dungeon] You know, Igor, by rights I should put this beam through your worthless skull and leave you here to *rot*!

Igor: But Doctor...

Dr. Goldfoot: My empire, everything I've created is in jeopardy.

Igor: Oh, no...

Dr. Goldfoot: Oh, yes. We must stop them before they reach the authorities.

Igor: I'll do my very best!

Dr. Goldfoot: Oh, not *that*.

Diane: I won't forget it again, doctor.

Dr. Goldfoot: No. I'm sure you won't, after you've been disciplined in the chair.

Diane: Oh!

Igor: Oh, no, doctor.

Dr. Goldfoot: Oh, yes.

Igor: I like desiring and being desired... especially when it's unspoken... even if it goes nowhere.

Igor: You're not interested in the present situation?

Igor: It's alive.

Victor Von Frankenstein: Isn't that rather obvious?

Igor: It's hard to judge cruelty when you've never known kindness.

[first lines]

Igor: You know this story. The crack if lightning. A mad genius. An unholy creation. The world, of course, remembers the monster, not the man. But sometimes, when you look closely, there's more to a tale. Sometimes the monster is the man.

Igor: I've been with the circus for as long as I can remember. Circuses like to think of themselves as families. But, of course, each one has its clown.

Igor: I LIKE being taken out to dinner. What can I say? I'm superficial.

Igor: Hump?

Mary: No thanks.