Longfellow Deeds Quotes in Mr. Deeds (2002)

Babe: [reading a poem Deeds wrote for her] "Hard to breathe / Feels like floating / So full of love my heart's exploding. / Mouth is dry / Hands are shaking / My heart is yours for the taking. / Acting weird / Not myself / Dancing around like the Keebler elf. / Finally time / for this poor schlubb / To know how it feels to fall in lub."

Longfellow Deeds: I couldn't find any other words that rhyme with "schlub..."

[Babe pulls Deeds towards her and the two kiss for one long moment]

Babe: Oh, Deeds... oh, I am so sorry...

[breaks into tears and runs away]

Longfellow Deeds: No, don't be... I mean, that was my first kiss too...

Longfellow Deeds: So how is the elevator business treating you, Reuben?

Reuben the Elevator Operator: Oh, it has its ups and downs.

[They both start laughing]

Longfellow Deeds: What are you in for?

Crazy Eyes: Eeh, I'm doin' an overnighter for bitin' the mailman.

[waves his hand]

Crazy Eyes: He was tryin' to cast some spell on me like a wizard or somethin'.

Longfellow Deeds: You sure about that?

Crazy Eyes: On second thought maybe he was just wavin'.

[waves hand then sees Chuck and Cecil]

Crazy Eyes: Who're your friends?

Longfellow Deeds: This is Chuck and Cecil, they're visiting from New York.

Crazy Eyes: I don't like 'em.

Longfellow Deeds: Ok then.

[In burning building]

Cat Lady: I'm not leaving without my kitties!

Longfellow Deeds: How many do you got?

Cat Lady: Seven.

Longfellow Deeds: Holy shit. Let's get cracking.

[he starts to search, but turns back]

Longfellow Deeds: I apologize for the language.

Cat Lady: Apology accepted.

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": Oh, you have got to be shittin' me.

Longfellow Deeds: Whoa... that's the first time I've heard you curse.

Babe: I'm that excited.

Emilio: How can I thank you?

Longfellow Deeds: All I want is your friendship, Emilio. You're a good man.

Emilio: Deeds! How about a billion dollars?

Longfellow Deeds: Alright.

Emilio: Done.

Longfellow Deeds: Whoa, you kinda snuck up on me there...

Emilio: I am very very sneaky, sir.

[Deeds comes to rescue a girl fallen into a frozen pond, but stops when he sees it's Babe]

Longfellow Deeds: Where do you got the camera hidden? In the woods?

Babe: [shivering] No camera! I'm s-s-so cold! Please!

Longfellow Deeds: You're gonna get mugged in there, too?

Babe: I'm s-s-s-so s-s-s-sorry! I really l-l-love you!

Longfellow Deeds: Bu-bu-bu-bu-bullshit!

Longfellow Deeds: Crazy Eyes.

Crazy Eyes: Hey, Deeds.

Longfellow Deeds: How you doin', pal? I got your pizza for you, just the way you like it.

Crazy Eyes: Oh, yes. French Fries and Oreos, you know me all too well, Deeds.

Longfellow Deeds: It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.

John McEnroe: I like the way you beat up those guys who were making fun of you. It was pretty cool.

Longfellow Deeds: Yeah I bet you know what it's like to get all riled up Johnny Mac.

John McEnroe: That I do.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Now Brother Preston is soaring with eagles high above, because he lived a life of love. Yes he's flying way up high, because he was a supercool guy. He's gone away, too soon it seems, leaving behind his unfinished dreams.

Longfellow Deeds: This guy could live a life writing greeting cards.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Yes we remember Preston Blake, a man with faith no man could shake. A strength no man could break. A character no man could fake. For goodness sake, let's eat some cake.

Funeral attendants: Amen

Mac McGrath: Well, it was quite a night for Longfellow Deeds.

Longfellow Deeds: Oh, no. They're gonna know my name is Longfellow.

Chuck Cedar: He's gonna get 100 grand for that picture, it'll be all over the news in an hour.

Longfellow Deeds: Well, he deserves it with those James Bond moves he just pulled.

Chuck Cedar: No, he deserves to get his throat cut. Filthy spy!

Longfellow Deeds: You, sir. What did you want to be when you grew up?

Shareholder: I wanted to be veterinarian.

Longfellow Deeds: Cool. Why did you want to do that?

Shareholder: I wanted to help sick animals.

Longfellow Deeds: And what do you do now?

Shareholder: I own a chain of slaughterhouses.

Longfellow Deeds: Kind of went the other way on that one.

Longfellow Deeds: Anyone else?

Shareholder: I wanted to be a magician!

Longfellow Deeds: What do you do now?

Shareholder: I operate a pornographic website.

Longfellow Deeds: I guess that makes people happy too, in a much grosser way.

Longfellow Deeds: I bet if we ran into the sixth grade version of ourselves, they'd give us wet willies and put bubble gum in our hair for even thinking about doing this.

Shareholder: He's right! I would've beaten my greedy ass red!

Shareholder: I would've thrown myself off the merry-go-round.

Shareholder: I would've duct tape myself naked to a chair and burnt myself with lit cigarettes.

Longfellow Deeds: Did anyone dream of becoming a psychiatrist? Just kidding.

[Deeds' poem is printed on greeting cards all over the state]

Babe: "Hard to breathe / Feels like floating..."

Reuben: "So full of love my heart's exploding..."

Emilio: [stroking a beautiful woman] "Mouth is dry / Hands are shaking..."

Cecil Anderson: [seated next to Kitty on a bench] "My heart is yours for the taking..."

Nazo, the Italian Delivery Man: [stroking a cat] "Acting weird / Not myself..."

Jan: "Dancing around like the Keebler elf..."

Longfellow Deeds: "Finally time / for this poor schlubb / To know how it feels to fall in lub."

[Longfellow Deeds is showing Emilio his frostbitten foot]

Emilio: The hideousness of that foot will haunt my dreams forever.

Longfellow Deeds: Oh, yeah. I've heard that before

Longfellow Deeds: What up, Chuck?

Longfellow Deeds: Are you sure about that?

Jan: I always wanted to be a man!

Longfellow Deeds: Okay, well I guess that explains a lot...

Longfellow Deeds: Ma'am, you were just the victim of a New York City mugger. As I suspected, he was a coward and a weakling, and also wore more cologne than any man should wear.

Longfellow Deeds: How did I get into these pajamas?

Emilio: I changed you. I was very gentle, sir.

Longfellow Deeds: [to Chuck] Handshakes are for strangers, pal. We hug around here, buddy. What's up? What's up?

Longfellow Deeds: I promise to love you for fifty years more / Even when your bosoms sag down to the floor.

Longfellow Deeds: [singing] # This is major Tom to ground control / I'm stepping through the door #

Longfellow Deeds: [to Emilio] I got wicked bad frost bite when I was in the scouts. Check it out.

Longfellow Deeds: And if it wasn't for Miss Dawson being here, I'd probably knock your heads in.

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": I don't mind.

Longfellow Deeds: Okay.

Babe: At the lake, when you saved my life... which I never thanked you for...

Longfellow Deeds: You're welcome.

Babe: ...you said that you didn't know who I was, and it made me realize... I don't know who I am. So I started working on it, and here's what I've got so far: My name is Babe Bennett. I grew up in Sayasset, Long Island. I have brown eyes and I don't know what my natural hair colour is anymore. When I was in fifth grade, I got a crush on Walter Kronkite, and... and I really did have that Holly Hobby notebook I was telling you about. I love Bruce Springsteen, Allman Roka and Abbott and Costello movies. I don't like liquorice, or my ankles. Most importantly, I know that I messed up real bad, and I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life begging you to give me another chance, because I am so deeply in love with you, and I know that it's definitely that forever kind of love that...

Longfellow Deeds: You're crazy.

[Babe trails off into silence]

Longfellow Deeds: You have beautiful ankles.

[at a swanky dinner]

Longfellow Deeds: Oh, I get it... You all invited me here so you could look down on me. Well, let me tell you that here you may all laugh at me, but down in Mandrake Falls we would laugh at you all.

[Deeds finds Babe trapped underneath a sheet of ice]

Longfellow Deeds: [removes his shoe] Get ready... here comes the foot!

Babe: NOOOO!

[Deeds shoves his frostbitten foot through the ice... right next to Babe]

Longfellow Deeds: I know, it's gross - grab it!

[pulls Babe out of the ice with the foot]

Longfellow Deeds: You didn't really fall out of an apple tree, did you?

Babe: No. But I really do love you.

Longfellow Deeds: I don't know who you are. I'm sorry...

[Deeds asks all the shareholders to look at themselves as children, and as now]

Longfellow Deeds: We all had these dreams, and then we got jobs to achieve those dreams. But we wanted more money, and we got rid of our dreams. You know, if your nine-year olds saw you guys the way you are, you'd get your butts kicked right now! I mean, look what's happened to us!

[Lopez fires everyone on the board, and is about to fire Cecil Anderson... ]

Longfellow Deeds: Ah, hold on a moment. Allow him to hang around a little longer. He can do a good job if you give him the chance.

Emilio: Very well...

[to Cecil]

Emilio: I shall expect you at seven tomorrow morning, so that I can change your socks.

Longfellow Deeds: [to Emilio] Don't be nervous, go ahead. Didn't feel it. Isn't that awesome. Oh, yeah, enjoy the force. I know you're starting to like it aren't ya? You sick! You sick! Why would you do that to me? I'm just kidding you, pal.

Longfellow Deeds: I can't run a company... I can't even run my own life!

Chuck Cedar: This company is a player on so many levels, and in so many areas, that running it is literally a 24-hour-a-day job. I only got three hours of sleep last night.

Longfellow Deeds: Then it's actually a 21-hour-a-day job, huh?

Longfellow Deeds: What are you doing in New York?

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": I'm a school nurse.

Longfellow Deeds: There's no way you're a school nurse.

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": Why, don't you believe me?

Longfellow Deeds: You're too nice to be a school nurse. My school nurse was so mean, every time I'd tell her I had a tummy ache, she'd send me back to my class and say, "Stop whining."

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": But that's awful!

Longfellow Deeds: Well, I said it every day.

[Both laugh]

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": I'm of Swedish ancestry.

Longfellow Deeds: Really?

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": Yes. My grandfather was in ABBA.

Longfellow Deeds: You guys football fans?

[the pilot and co-pilot look at Deeds]

Longfellow Deeds: I think the Pats can take the conference this year. I mean, let's face it. The Dolphins are overrated and the Jets are choke artists.

Helicopter Pilot: I wouldn't say that if I were you, Mr. Deeds.

Longfellow Deeds: Just Deeds, but why is that?

Helicopter Pilot: You own the Jets, Deeds.

Longfellow Deeds: I do? That sucks. I hope they don't play the Pats in the playoffs or else I'm going to have to kill myself.

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": You know, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a news reporter.

Longfellow Deeds: Oh yeah?

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": Yeah. I used to go around interviewing everyone, and writing notes in my little Holly Hobby notebook.

[pause]

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": People didn't like that; I got beat up a lot.

Longfellow Deeds: Do you remember their names?

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": Where do you hail from, Deeds?

Longfellow Deeds: Mandrake Falls, New Hampshire. Just a little town nobody's ever heard of.

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": I'm from a little town like that. In Iowa.

Longfellow Deeds: Is that right? What part?

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": Winchesterton... field... ville...

Longfellow Deeds: People here are funny. They work so hard at living they forget how to live.

Longfellow Deeds: About my playing the tuba. Seems like a lot of fuss has been made about that. If, if a man's crazy just because he plays the tuba, then somebody'd better look into it, because there are a lot of tuba players running around loose. 'Course, I don't see any harm in it. I play mine whenever I want to concentrate. That may sound funny to some people, but everybody does something silly when they're thinking. For instance, the judge here is, is an O-filler.

Judge May: A what?

Longfellow Deeds: An O-filler. You fill in all the spaces in the O's with your pencil. I was watching him.

[general laughter]

Longfellow Deeds: That may make you look a little crazy, Your Honor, just, just sitting around filling in O's, but I don't see anything wrong, 'cause that helps you think. Other people are doodlers.

Judge May: "Doodlers"?

Longfellow Deeds: Uh, that's a word we made up back home for people who make foolish designs on paper when they're thinking: it's called doodling. Almost everybody's a doodler; did you ever see a scratchpad in a telephone booth? People draw the most idiotic pictures when they're thinking. Uh, Dr. von Hallor here could probably think up a long name for it, because he doodles all the time.

[general laughter; he takes a sheet off the doctor's notepad]

Longfellow Deeds: Thank you. This is a piece of paper he was scribbling on. I can't figure it out - one minute it looks like a chimpanzee, and the next minute it looks like a picture of Mr. Cedar. You look at it, Judge. Exhibit A for the defense. Looks kind of stupid, doesn't it, Your Honor? But I guess that's all right; if Dr. von Hallor has to, uh, doodle to help him think, that's his business. Everybody does something different: some people are, are ear-pullers; some are nail-biters; that, uh, Mr. Semple over there is a nose-twitcher.

[general laughter]

Longfellow Deeds: And the lady next to him is a knuckle-cracker.

[general laughter]

Longfellow Deeds: So you see, everybody does silly things to help them think. Well, I play the tuba.

Longfellow Deeds: Now, um, heh, now about the Faulkner sisters. That's kind of funny. I mean, about Mr. Cedar going all the way to Mandrake Falls to bring them here. Do you mind if I talk to them?

Judge May: Not at all.

Longfellow Deeds: Jane, who owns the house you live in?

[pause; then Jane whispers to Amy; Amy whispers back]

Jane Faulkner: Why, you own it, Longfellow.

Amy Faulkner: Yes, you own it.

Longfellow Deeds: Do you pay any rent?

Jane Faulkner: No, we don't pay any rent.

Amy Faulkner: Good heavens, no, we never pay rent.

Longfellow Deeds: Are you happy there?

Jane Faulkner: Oh, yes.

Amy Faulkner: Yes indeed.

Longfellow Deeds: Now, uh, Jane, a little while ago you said I was pixilated. Do you still think so?

[Jane whispers to Amy; Amy whispers back]

Jane Faulkner: Why, you've always been pixilated, Longfellow.

Amy Faulkner: Always.

Longfellow Deeds: That's fine, hm, I guess maybe I am. And now tell me something, Jane: who else in Mandrake Falls is pixilated?

Jane Faulkner: Why, everybody in Mandrake Falls is pixilated - except us.

Amy Faulkner: Mm-hmm.

[Deeds and attorney Cedar shake hands in parting]

Longfellow Deeds: Even his hands are oily.

Longfellow Deeds: When the servant comes in, Mr. Hallor, I'm going to ask him to show you to the door. Many people don't know where it is.

Longfellow Deeds: [to the Court] It's like I'm out in a big boat, and I see one fellow in a rowboat who's tired of rowing and wants a free ride, and another fellow who's drowning. Who would you expect me to rescue? Mr. Cedar - who's just tired of rowing and wants a free ride? Or those men out there who are drowning? Any ten year old child will give you the answer to that.

Longfellow Deeds: Hand me my pants. I wrote her phone number on a piece of paper.

Walter: You have no pants, sir. You came home last night without them.

Longfellow Deeds: I did what?

Walter: As a matter of fact, you came home without any clothes at all. You were in your shorts. Yes, sir.

Longfellow Deeds: Don't be silly, Walter. I couldn't walk around on the streets without any clothes. I'd be arrested.

Walter: That's what the two policemen said, sir.

Longfellow Deeds: What two policemen?

Walter: The ones who brought you home, sir. They said you and another gentleman kept walking up and down the street shouting "back to nature! Clothes are a blight on civilization! Back to nature!"

[to Walter, as he interrupts Mr. Deeds' tuba playing]

Longfellow Deeds: The evil finger's on you!

Longfellow Deeds: You know the poem I told you about? It's finished. Would you like to read it? It's to you.

Babe Bennett: Yes. Of course.

Longfellow Deeds: You don't have to say anything, Mary. You can tell me tomorrow what you think.

Babe Bennett: I tramped the Earth with hopeless feet / searching in vain for a glimpse of you / Then heaven thrust you at my very feet / a lovely angel, too lovely to woo / My dream has been answered, but my life's just as bleak / I'm handcuffed and speechless in your presence divine / For my heart longs to cry out. If it only could speak / I love you, my angel. Be mine. Be mine.

Longfellow Deeds: He talks about women as if they were cattle.

Walter: Every man to his taste, sir.

Longfellow Deeds: Tell me, Walter, are all these stories I hear about my uncle true?

Walter: Well, sir, he sometimes had as many as twenty in the house at the same time.

Longfellow Deeds: Twenty! What did he do with them?

Walter: That is something I was never able to find out, sir.

Longfellow Deeds: Cedar, Cedar, Cedar and Budington. Funny, I can't think of a rhyme for "Budington".

Cornelius Cobb: Why should you?

Longfellow Deeds: Well, whenever I run across the funny name, I like to poke around for a rhyme.

Longfellow Deeds: [to the Court] From what I can see, no matter what system of government we have, there will always be leaders and always be followers. It's like the road out in front of my house. It's on a steep hill. Every day I watch the cars climbing up. Some go lickety-split up that hill on high, some have to shift into second, and some sputter and shake and slip back to the bottom again. Same cars, same gasoline, yet some make it and some don't. And I say the fellas who can make the hill on high should stop once in a while and help those who can't. That's all I'm trying to do with this money. Help the fellas who can't make the hill on high.

Louise "Babe" Bennett: [Taking Mr. Deeds to see Grant's Tomb] To most people, it's an awful let-down... To most people, it's a washout.

Longfellow Deeds: Well, that depends on what they see.

Louise "Babe" Bennett: Now what do you see?

Longfellow Deeds: Me? Oh I see a small Ohio farm boy becoming a great soldier. I see thousands of marching men. I see General Lee with a broken heart surrendering. And I can see the beginning of a new nation, like Abraham Lincoln said. And I can see that Ohio boy being inaugurated as President. Things like that can only happen in a country like America.

Longfellow Deeds: [to Cobb] There once was a man named Cobb Kept Semple away from the mob Came the turn of the tide And Semple he died And now poor Cobb is out of a job.

John Cedar: [giving his name card to Deeds] I'm John Cedar, of the New York firm of Cedar, Cedar, Cedar and Budington.

Longfellow Deeds: [chuckling] Budington must feel like an awful stranger.

Morrow: You hop aboard my magic carpet and I'll show you sights that you've never seen before.

Longfellow Deeds: Well, I'd kinda like to see Grant's tomb and the Statue of Liberty.

Morrow: Well, you'll not only see those, but before the evening's half through, you'll be leaning against the Leaning Tower of Pisa, you'll mount Mount Everest, I'll show you the Pyramids and all the little pyramidees, leaping from sphinx to sphinx!

Morrow: Pal, look, how would you like to go on a real old-fashioned binge?

Longfellow Deeds: Binge?

Morrow: Yeah, I mean the real McCoy. Listen, you play saloon with me and I'll introduce you to every wit, nitwit, and half-wit in New York. We'll go on a twister that'll make Omar the soused philosopher of Persia look like an anemic on a goat's milk diet!

Longfellow Deeds: Well, I guess that oughtta be fun.

Morrow: Fun? Listen, I'll take you on a bender that will live in your memory as a thing of beauty and a joy forever!

Longfellow Deeds: What puzzles me is why people seem to get so much pleasure out of hurting each other. Why don't they try liking each other once in a while?

Longfellow Deeds: And I got to thinking about what Thoreau said: "They created a lot of grand palaces here, but they forgot to create the noblemen to put in them."

Longfellow Deeds: Just because I want to give this money to people who need it, they think I'm crazy.