Brother Timothy Quotes in Heaven Help Us (1985)

Brother Thadeus: [Dunn, Rooney, Caesar, Williams and Corbet are in Brother Thadeus' office after the melee in the auditorium] Can you gentlemen give me one good reason why you shouldn't be expelled?

Michael Dunn: It's my fault, brother. I'm the one who should be expelled.

Brother Thadeus: You all acted as one, Mr. Dunn. And as one, you shall bear the consequences.

Michael Dunn: Yes, brother, but I started it.

Brother Thadeus: Did you? As I understand it, Brother Constance started it.

Brother Constance: [in disbelief] What?

Brother Thadeus: I'm suspending you for two weeks. Good day, gentlemen.

Brother Constance: [boys leave... Brother Dominic comes in and hands Thadeus a sheet of paper, which he signs... Constance is angry] What do you mean I started it? They've assaulted the faculty, the've disgraced this institution, and they destroyed a statue of St. Basil.

Brother Thadeus: I always hated that statue.

[signs paper and hands it to Constance]

Brother Constance: What's this?

Brother Thadeus: Well, you're transferred out of this institution. I don't want you working with children anymore.

Brother Constance: [angry] You can't do this! I will demand an investigation. I will take this all the way to the bishop if I have to.

Brother Thadeus: Take it whereever you want, brother...

[opens door]

Brother Thadeus: just take it out of my office!

[Constance glares at Timothy and then storms out the door]

Brother Thadeus: It appears we have a vacancy, brother. Think you can fit in?

Brother Timothy: [smiles] I think so, brother.

Brother Timothy: [Dunn and Timothy are in the schoolyard... Tim is bouncing a baseball off the steps] There's the pitch.

Michael Dunn: You know, I never figured out how a guy like you became a brother.

Brother Timothy: What's that supposed to mean? There's different types of guys, what's wrong with me?

Michael Dunn: I just can't figure it out, is all.

Brother Timothy: Well, most people can't figure it out. My brother was the one who was supposed to have the vocation. Me, they had me written off as the bum. But here I am, wearing a robe, bouncing a ball off the steps of the rectory.

Michael Dunn: Was your brother a bum?

Brother Timothy: Sort of. Sells life insurance down in Maryland.

Brother Timothy: [Timothy and Thadeus are walking in the courtyard discussing Constance's teaching methods] I expected to be given a lesson in teaching, but instead I got a lesson in brutality. The man seemed to be enjoying himself, brother.

Brother Thadeus: A rather slanderous thought, brother... one that ought to be kept to oneself. Brother Constance is an effective teacher, one of the best we have.

Brother Timothy: I hear you brother, but...

Brother Thadeus: [sharply] But what?

[moderates tone]

Brother Thadeus: We all come to the order, full of ideas... and we often find that we have much to learn ourselves. Nevertheless, authority must never be undermined by the display of dissent among the faculty. For the students' sake, you understand.

Brother Timothy: No, I don't understand.

Brother Thadeus: Then you should try to restrain yourself until you do.

Brother Timothy: [seeing Dunn not dancing at the school dance] What's your excuse?

Michael Dunn: I don't know. Waiting for inspiration.

Brother Timothy: Inspiration? Who from? The Holy Ghost? Come on, it's a cinch. You walk up to some girl, you look her in the eye, you say 'Excuse me, but do you want to dance?' It works every time.

Michael Dunn: [laughs] Yeah, what if it doesn't?

Brother Timothy: If it doesn't work, then you gotta start thinking about joining a relgious order.

Michael Dunn: [getting up] Maybe I'll see you later.

Brother Timothy: Maybe you better start dancin'!

Brother Constance: [in Thadeus' closed-door office after melee in auditorium] They should be expelled. In the real world, they'd be charged with assault.

Brother Timothy: In the 'real world', they'd have a case of self-defense!

Brother Constance: I think expulsion is justified here.

Brother Timothy: I don't think so.

Brother Constance: Well, no one cares what you think!

Brother Thadeus: [to Brother Dominic, also in his office] Let the boys in here.

Brother Timothy: And I also managed to procure a pope's skull, just like the one in Brother Orsini's office

Brother Martino: Which pope is yours?

Brother Timothy: Why, Pope Paul the Eighth, of course.

Brother Martino: That's impossible; the one in Brother Orsini's office is the skull of Pope Paul the Eighth.

Brother Timothy: So? What's your problem?

Brother Martino: How can there be two skulls of the same pope?

Brother Timothy: Why bless you, it's perfectly simple. The pope's skull in Brother Orsini's office belonged to Pope Paul the Eighth when he was an 86 year old man; and mine is of Pope Paul the Eighth when he was only 65.

Brother Martino: Oh! I see.

Brother Timothy: Brother Martino, sometimes you are as slow as you are short.