Rooney Quotes in Heaven Help Us (1985)

[watching Blue Hawaii at a movie theater]

Rooney: Jesus, what'd they do to Elvis? Cut his balls off, or something?

Rooney: [narrating] In 1966, Everyone graduated from St. Basil's, except me.

Rooney: I've been kicked off the track team, and without track my grades will be based on

[pause]

Rooney: my grades.

Caesar: I will reason with him, I'll appeal to his better nature!

Rooney: Oh, you're gonne reason with a grown man in a dress?

Rooney: If I don't make you my friend it means I gotta kick your ass everytime I see you. Nobody wants that, do they?

Michael Dunn: Drop dead!

Social Worker: [the police and social welfare people have arrived to close the store, arrest Danni's father and put her in foster care... a crowd outside has gathered] We'll make arrangements with your mother to have the inventory accounted for.

Michael Dunn: [rushing in] They made this happen, didn't they?

Danni: [crying] Nobody made this happen.

[Dunn embraces her]

Danni: I just don't want you to be sad... 'cause I'm not. Promise?

Michael Dunn: [fighting tears] No.

Social Worker: We have to go.

Michael Dunn: [running up to car Danni has just been loaded in] Well, hey listen, I'm glad I got to dance with you

[car speeds off, leaving a dazed Dunn in the street]

Rooney: Don't worry, Dunn... we'll find her.

Rooney: Hey, let me buy you a Coke or somethin'!

Janine: Oh, hot shit!

Rooney: Thadeus wouldn't know a good time if it crawled up his leg and bit him on the ba-doyng-as.

Rooney: [yelling to Dunn from across the street] Come here, kid! I'm not gonna bite ya!

Caesar: I wouldn't count on it.

Rooney: [locked in a dark closet with the others] I think that faggot figured out who did it.

Caesar: [sarcastically] What gives you that idea?

Corbet: Well, what are you gonna tell him?

Caesar: [sarcastically] Let's see, you're sitting in the assembly with a saint's head in your lap. I'd tell him you found it in a box of Cracker Jacks.

Rooney: [thinking Caesar was serious] No, that's no good. We gotta think of something better than that.

Corbet: Hey, Williams, what are you doing?

Rooney: Corbet, shut up!

Corbet: Yeah, but Williams is playing with himself in here!

Rooney: All right, I got it! Listen, this is what we'll tell him when he comes back... We'll tell him...

[not able to come up with a plausible excuse]

Rooney: We'll tell him we don't know what the fuck he's talkin' about!

[last lines]

Rooney: [narrating] Me? I went to beautician's school where everybody graduated except me, but I got a job as a shampoo boy at Marisa's House of Hair in Bensonhurst. The hours suck; the pay sucks; I'm surrounded by 'funny guys,' but the tips are great. Thank you, God!

Brother Constance: Are you familiar with the term "miserable"? Because miserable is what I'm going to make your miserable lives, every miserable minute of every miserable day!

Rooney, Caesar, Michael Dunn, Corbet, Williams: Yes, Brother.

Brother Constance: Yes Brother what?

Rooney, Caesar, Michael Dunn, Corbet, Williams: Yes Brother, miserable, Brother.

Rooney: [Standing in line for confession] Hey, Williams, you got your list?

Williams: Oh, yeah.

Rooney: Let's have a look.

[Reading Williams' list]

Rooney: Jesus! You got here you jerked off 168 times? And it's been one month since your last confession? That's an average of...

Williams: 5.6 times a day.

Rooney: Oh, my God, you can't tell him that. He'll cut your balls off.

[Brother William brings the five into the gymnasium, where Brother Constance is standing in front of the exercise horse]

Brother Constance: That's far enough. Thank you, brother.

[Brother William leaves]

Brother Constance: Gentlemen, we will dispense with the traditional accusation denial ritual. It is such a bore, and not likely to convince me that I don't have before me right now at least one, if not all of the vandals. But since I'm a just man with no taste for punishing the innocent, I will afford the guilty the opportunity to speak now and to save the innocent from an impending state of wretchedness. Well?

Rooney: Could you repeat that, brother?

Brother Constance: [walks toward Rooney] Shut up. All right, who did it? Speak now or you will all suffer for it.

Michael Dunn: I did.

Brother Constance: [walks to Michael] Mr. Dunn.

Rooney: He didn't do it. Uh, Williams did it.

Williams: What do you mean "I did it"? Corbet did it.

Corbet: No, it was Caesar's idea to take the head off.

[the five protests and argue about the incident]

Brother Constance: [impatient and angry] All right. All right! That's enough!

[the boys fall silent]

Brother Constance: Have it your own way, gentlemen.