The Chief Quotes in Get Smart (2008)

Maxwell Smart: Chief I have to say this whole thing really stems my plans. I can not get over the fact that 23 is a traitor.

The Chief: Sand trap.

[they crash through a sand dune]

Maxwell Smart: Now I know how you must have felt when you thought I was a traitor, it is demoralizing!

The Chief: Tractor.

[they crash over a tractor]

Maxwell Smart: Argh, I don't know how I missed it, I am usually very observant.

The Chief: Swordfish!

[they crash right into a swordfish]

Maxwell Smart: [car comes to a stop] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

The Chief: I don't know. Were you thinking, "Holy shit, holy shit, a swordfish almost went through my head"? If so, then yes.

Agent 23: If you don't follow the rules here then what are we?

The Chief: I'm telling you what we're not, we're not people who jam staples into other people's heads, that's CIA crap!

Maxwell Smart: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

The Chief: If you're thinking "Holy shit! Holy shit! A swordfish almost went though my head!" If so, then yes.

[the cone of silence isn't working]

Maxwell Smart: Chief, I hit you in the head with a fire extinguisher!

The Chief: No, no, we're not ready yet!

The Chief: If you don't find that screen, Mr. Larabee, I'm Going to have you hunting for land mines... with a hammer!

The President: What did the vice-president have to say about this?

The Chief: I'm afraid the vice-president and I had a less then cordial encounter yesterday sir.

The President: Less then cordial you say?

The Chief: Yes sir.

The President: [President watches video of The Chief tackling the Vice-President on a cell phone] Whoa... I'll say.

The Chief: Speak up, son. I'm an old man, you know.

Maxwell Smart: I have obtained a snippet, at great risk to a bus boy in Balad.

[Men start speaking in Punjab on a recording which Max is translating]

Maxwell Smart: "Aftab, how is your coffee?"

Maxwell Smart: "Good, Dalip, it's decaf. How is yours?"

Maxwell Smart: "It is good, also. How is your muffin?"

Maxwell Smart: Powerful stuff

The Chief: So "muffin", then, is a code word?

Maxwell Smart: No, it is comfort food... and quite frankly much more fattening than most people realize. Which begs the question... why would two hardened KAOS agents... risk the carbs?

Maxwell Smart: Because they are under a great deal of stress.

Agent 23: Hence the decaf.

Maxwell Smart: For Aftab yes. Dalip takes his full-strength. Why? Because he has been sleeping on the couch for three days... because he called his sister-in-law a "leathery hag".

Larabee: You know, people often say things in anger they don't really mean. Leathery hag, fat cow, ungrateful whore. Just words really, that shouldn't be used against you in a custody hearing.

Agent 91: Let it go, man, those kids don't even look like you.

The Chief: Can we put a pen in this, please... and go back to Max's extraordinary detailed report?

Maxwell Smart: Thank you, Chief. All I'm saying is... that until we understand that our enemies are also human beings... we will never defeat them. Yes, they are bad guys, but that is what they do, not who they are. Let's continue listening... and bear in mind that the next 100 pages can get a little bit dry.

Larabee: Come on.

[All sigh in boredom]

[99 is talking to chief on her cell-phone, Max asked to see the phone but she hit the "know-out gas button" on her phone]

Maxwell Smart: Could this be Siegfried?

The Chief: Hello, Max.

Maxwell Smart: Chief?

The Chief: Yes.

[the knock-out gas starts coming out of the phone]

Maxwell Smart: Knock-out gas 99? I've trained my body to be impervious to this whi... that's new stuff.

[Max passes out]

Agent 99: You lied about finding evidence of radioactivity.

Agent 23: You conveniently killed Krstic before anyone could question him.

The Chief: And there's that little matter with you stoning my head with a fire extinguisher.

Maxwell Smart: I said I was sorry, you just didn't hear me because you were in a mini coma.

Maxwell Smart: [Agent 99 leans to kiss him] 99 please, nobody here knows we're dating.

The Chief: [walks by] Yes, they do.

Maxwell Smart: On the cheek.

[Agent 99 kisses his cheek]

Agent 99: [as they walk off] Give me a little one.

[Max kisses her on the lips]

[after Max kisses agent 23 to distract him, then punch him]

The Chief: Unusual, but effective.

The Chief: You'll have to bear with me, I'm still a little fuzzy. I got a pretty good hit in the head yesterday.

[Knowing he did it, Max lies]

Maxwell Smart: Yes, it was... dark in there... you probably tripped... I hurt my knee... it was smoky too.

Maxwell Smart: You were saying?

The Chief: I was saying your results are quite extraordinary, in fact, your essay on existentialism was quite amazing.

Maxwell Smart: I left that section blank.

The Chief: Blank? Brilliant! Brilliant Max. At any rate, you passed with flying colors.

Maxwell Smart: YES!

Undercover Brother: Are you telling me there really is a Man'?

Conspiracy Brother: What do you think? Things don't just happen by accident! Sometimes people - mostly *white* people - make things happen!

Undercover Brother: So the conspiracies we've believed for all these years are true? The NBA really did institute the three point shot to give white boys a chance?

Smart Brother: Absolutely!

Undercover Brother: Then the entertainment industry really *is* out to get Spike Lee?

Conspiracy Brother: Come on man! Even Cher's won an Oscar! Cher!

Undercover Brother: Then O.J. really didn't do it?

[Everyone looks away and mumbles]

The Chief: We... we ain't got time for this!

The Chief: Today is a great day for black people of all races.

Undercover Brother: Wait a minute, how'd the white boy get a job at "the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D."?

The Chief: Shit, what can I say? Affirmative action.

The Chief: What the hell you doing bringing a white girl up in my house, boy?

The Chief: I'm tired of you disrespecting me! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't fire your black-ass?

Undercover Brother: Because I... don't... work for you?

The Chief: SHUT UP! Save the smart comments for the chunky brother in the smock!

Lance: So let me get this straight; whenever a black guy does well, starts wearing Dockers, buys a few Celine Dion records, and sleeps with a White chick, you automatically say he's sold out?

The Chief: That's enough, Lance!

Lance: Always trying to shut the white man down.

Conspiracy Brother: THAT'S RIGHT! That's Right!... Oh, that ain't right.

Conspiracy Brother: That's Right! It's goin' to the streets. Hey y'all! It's revolution up in this Bitch! Set the alarm for Defcon 5! It's on, baby... it's on!

The Chief: Good work, White She-Devil. Oh, and you in too.

Conspiracy Brother: What the Fuck? Chief! I've never seen this bitch in my agent classes! I'm still paying the loans off, man! I sleep on a pissy mattress! I ain't got good food to eat! I borough money for my Weed! I quit! That's it. Y'all ain't got Conspiracy Brother Jones to kick around no more! Give me a pillow case... I'm joining the Klan!

[after witnessing the General's speech]

The Chief: Smart Brother, you're so damn smart. Can you tell us what the Hell just happened?

Smart Brother: Well, uh, I, uh, um...

The Chief: [mocking him] Well, um, I, uh... Shut up! If I wanted to hear something stupid, I'd ask his skinny Black Ass!

Conspiracy Brother: Ha, ha! In your face! Ha! Skinny black... HEY!

[as black cultural leaders begin to fall prey to The Man's plan]

The Chief: Jay-Z to cover Lawrence Welk's greatest hits? John Singleton to remake "Driving Miss Daisy"? Terry McMillan - "How Stella got her White Man Back"? Double damn it! Black people all over the world are losin' their damn minds!

Lance: I have stood on the sidelines of race relations long enough! I want to march down that field of oppression and kick that ball of bigotry right over the goalpost of intolerance!

The Chief: Son, you talk a lot of shit.

Lance: Yes, I do.

The Chief: But you down.

[after Undercover Brother escapes a massive explosion by floating down a cliff in parachute pants]

The Chief: Didn't you cause about a ba-zillion dollars worth of damage? And I sure as hell ain't covering for ya; I don't care how sexy you look floating down in your little pants!

Willy Dunlop: Now I'm not saying they weren't counterfeit fish, but even if they were, there's no law against it. Or is there?

The Chief: You're the one who gave him only five minutes to get here.

Willy Dunlop: Well, then he's got an answering service! That's what he's got!

Dave Speed: That's not true, Sarge.

The Chief: I remember one time in police college I painted myself green and pretended to be a Martian!

Willy Dunlop: Yeah, that's great, Chief.

[from trailer]

The Chief: The little one, he wears the pan.

Tiger Lily: The pan is our tribe's bravest warrior.

The Chief: Prove yourself to be Mary's son, you must fly!

The Chief: [in Sioux] Untie them, Little Feather.

Little Feather: [in Sioux] Father, I hate that name.

The Chief: [in Sioux] Ah, my son.

[waves his hand in front of his crotch]

The Chief: [in Sioux] Untie them, Big Snake That Makes Women Faint!

The Chief: The Chief fixed it while you boys were asleep.

Eric: The Chief fixed it. Is he around? Can we thank him?

Linus: He's the Chief. You're the Chief, aren't you? Why didn't you say so?

The Chief: The Chief likes to refer to himself in the third person. It causes confusion, especially with the bitches.

The Chief: Good evening. Have you ever given any thought to the kingdom of heaven?

Mrs. Peacock: What?

The Chief: Repent. The kingdom of heaven *is* at hand.

Miss Scarlet: You ain't just whistlin' Dixie.

The Chief: Armageddon is almost upon us.

Professor Plum: I got news for you - it's already here.

Mrs. Peacock: Go away.

The Chief: But your souls are in danger.

Mrs. Peacock: Our lives our in danger, you beatnik.

The Chief: When the rabbit of chaos is pursued by the ferret of disorder through the fields of anarchy, it is time to hang your pants on the hook of darkness. Whether they're clean or not.

The Chief: The answer is no Clifford.

Clifford: Chief?

The Chief: The girls can't have the morning off.

The Chief: [to Bob Weston] Thank you from the heart for living down to my expectations.

Desmond Simpkins: Oh, Vienna! Lovely! I've always wanted to see Vienna before I die.

The Chief: With a bit of luck, you'll do both.

The Chief: [Smoking a cigar as Jay and Catherine are visiting his tent] The cigar was one of the white man's "good" inventions.

The Chief: But I will tell you this: You ain't Casey's family. You might share spit & secrets but the two of yous don't share blood, and the only business you have with her is what her father says so. Now you go on now.