Agent 99 Quotes in Get Smart (2008)

Agent 99: Did you see anything while I was dancing?

Maxwell Smart: Just once, but I don't think you expected him to lift you so high.

Agent 99: Are you staring at my butt?

Maxwell Smart: No, no, I... I was, but I'm not... I'm staring again.

Larabee: Put me out there, chief, I'm not afraid to expose myself.

Agent 99: Do you ever think before you speak?

Larabee: No, I just whip it out there. It's what's best.

Maxwell Smart: Well, you were no help at all.

Agent 99: How could I help? I'm just a woman with a dusty old uterus.

Maxwell Smart: I never said dusty.

Agent 99: Max has no experience, and I don't want him as my partner.

Maxwell Smart: Well, that is a sucker punch to the gonads.

Agent 99: Inside there's a pill, if captured it will cause death in nine seconds.

Maxwell Smart: Great, but how exactly do I get them to take it?

[pause]

Maxwell Smart: Not much of a laugher are you?

[Max and 99 are six miles outside of Smolensk, walking along a dirt road]

Maxwell Smart: Okay, not to keep dwelling on this, but that was some kiss. How did you know that would work? Have you kissed other men who then plummeted to their deaths?

Agent 99: Okay, okay! You know what, so far our entire "partnership" has consisted of me getting you out of trouble! Do you know why? It is because you keep leading!

Maxwell Smart: Well...

Agent 99: So here's how we stop that: I lead now! I'm the one with field experience, and you know nothing!

Maxwell Smart: I beg to differ!

[99 starts walking away]

Maxwell Smart: I looked up your field agent exam, and I scored...

Agent 99: My *what*?

Maxwell Smart: Your field agent exam! I scored eight points higher than you did! That is the difference between an A+ and an A-!

Agent 99: [at the same time] This is not a classroom! This is real! You are really going to get yourself killed if you don't listen to me!

Maxwell Smart: ...A-!

[beat; 99 glares at Max]

Agent 99: Okay. Okay, you're faced with an assassin. What do you do?

Maxwell Smart: I take out my gun...

[pulls his gun out of its holster]

Maxwell Smart: ... and I would shoot-

[as Max raises his weapon in front of him, 99 snatches it from him and points it at his head]

Agent 99: You don't have a gun.

Maxwell Smart: I did until you took it!

Agent 99: "Bang", you're dead!

Maxwell Smart: No, I'm not.

[99 points the gun at Max's heart]

Agent 99: "Bang", you're dead!

Maxwell Smart: Stop shooting me.

Agent 99: You are dead!

[points the gun at spots all over Max's upper body]

Agent 99: Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

Maxwell Smart: I don't like it when you shoot me! Stop it. Stop shooting me! You've already said I was-

[99 sticks Max's gun back into his pants]

Maxwell Smart: Hey.

Agent 99: [quietly] Throw out your manual. I hear there are no grades. There's only "dead" and "not dead".

Maxwell Smart: You know, I am not completely incompetent without a gun. I am a master in the art of ­Choi Kwang-Do.

[gets into a warm-up stance, at which point 99 backhands him across the face]

Maxwell Smart: I was not ready!

Agent 99: That's my point.

Maxwell Smart: You know what-

[99 slaps him again]

Maxwell Smart: Hey! What was that?

[Max is using the toilet and listening in on two henchmen conversing by the sinks. He flushes the toilet and walks over to them]

Maxwell Smart: You know what? I will tell you, I love your country! No more communism, no rules of any kind, really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I ever had!

[an alarm on his watch goes off]

Maxwell Smart: Time to take my pill...

[leaves and returns to his and 99's table]

Maxwell Smart: There was a guy in the bathroom who's really hot.

[beat]

Agent 99: Okay, well...

Maxwell Smart: No, no, no, radioactive hot. Although, yes, he did have a certain rugged quality that some found appealing.

Agent 99: Use your peripherals! Do you see him?

Maxwell Smart: I'm just widening my eyes. I'm not actually seeing anything more.

[turns around to look]

Maxwell Smart: Woah, that's a bad guy, that's a really bad guy! Did you see his face? His head looks like one of the Easter Island heads!

Agent 99: I used to look like my mom.

Maxwell Smart: I used to look like two of my moms put together.

Maxwell Smart: This whole week, last night, you know me.

Agent 99: Apparently not.

Agent 23: Oh my God, you two? You and Max? You said we had to break up cause we worked together!

Maxwell Smart: Oh my God, you and 23? I am so sexually threatened right now.

Agent 23: See, this is your problem, some men like women who are feminine!

Agent 99: What, I'm not feminine?

Agent 23: No.

Agent 99: I'm not feminine?

[kicks Agent 23 in the face]

Agent 99: I think we should trust him chief.

Agent 23: Oh absolutely Chief, I'm with 99 on that one, everytime I look at Maxie's puppy eyes I'm a goner.

Agent 99: Oh my God, you've really never had anyone break up with you have you?

Maxwell Smart: We are near the drop zone, I'll go first.

Agent 99: Are you going to be ok with your handcuffs?

Maxwell Smart: No handcuffs can contain me.

Maxwell Smart: Hey, violent sky marshall!

Air Marshall: What do you want?

Maxwell Smart: I have to squeeze the lemon.

[a nearby couple sigh in disgust]

Maxwell Smart: You heard me I have to "squeeze the lemon".

Maxwell Smart: I didn't get to eat at the restaurant, and if you skip a meal, the next meal you overindulge.

Agent 99: Ohh! Let me, i've got nails.

[Max gives her the biscuits, she throws them into a lake, and a duck is heard quaking]

Maxwell Smart: You owe me three dollars!

Agent 99: You lied about finding evidence of radioactivity.

Agent 23: You conveniently killed Krstic before anyone could question him.

The Chief: And there's that little matter with you stoning my head with a fire extinguisher.

Maxwell Smart: I said I was sorry, you just didn't hear me because you were in a mini coma.

Maxwell Smart: [Agent 99 leans to kiss him] 99 please, nobody here knows we're dating.

The Chief: [walks by] Yes, they do.

Maxwell Smart: On the cheek.

[Agent 99 kisses his cheek]

Agent 99: [as they walk off] Give me a little one.

[Max kisses her on the lips]

Agent 99: Did I hear something?

Maxwell Smart: Yes, there were some tap dancers in the hallway.

Agent 99: Not bad for a rookie.

Maxwell Smart: Not bad for an old lady.

Agent 99: [seeing Max on his shoe phone] Why are you talking into your shoe?

Agent 99: Oh Chief...

Agent 23: Very sweet tackle.

The President: Look at the surprise on his face!

[Max, having been turned down, is talking to himself on a sidewalk]

Maxwell Smart: I am sorry. Despite today's setback, I will at some point become a field agent. And when that happens, one phone call could take me to the other side of the world.

[sighs]

Maxwell Smart: Who am I kidding? I'm a middle aged man who's missed the train. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you.

[camera angle changes to show that he's talking to a dog in a pet store display window]

Maxwell Smart: You're so young, so full of life. Don't do it, fang. Don't love me.

[as he starts to walk away, a female jogger plows straight into him and both of them fall]

Maxwell Smart: Oh, dear. Sorry.

[helps her to her feet]

Agent 99: Oh, great.

[looks at her watch]

Agent 99: That was my last mile. Now I have no idea how fast I was.

Maxwell Smart: Well, you were really moving. Not easy to knock me down. I have a very low center of gravity. Pretty solid.

Agent 99: I'm just gonna call that one a... 4:50.

Maxwell Smart: Impressive. I, uh, once ran a 5:16.

Agent 99: Oh really? That's, uh, slower.

Maxwell Smart: Well, not everything's a competition.

Agent 99: If it were, I'd win.

Maxwell Smart: Ah. Are you flirting with me?

[beat]

Agent 99: Not at all. Are you flirting with me?

Maxwell Smart: That depends. Is it working?

[99 puts her headphones back in her ears]

Agent 99: Not at all.

[jogs away]

Maxwell Smart: Well nice meeting you! I admire your focus!

[a man comes out of the store wheeling a dolly, and one wheel runs over Max's foot]

Maxwell Smart: Am I invisible?