Bruce Quotes in Get Smart (2008)

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Bruce Quotes:

  • Bruce: [as Max is escaping] Turn around slowly.

    Maxwell Smart: [turns around to find Bruce and Lloyd coming around the corner with forced angry facial expressions and Bruce holding a gun] Guys, you have to believe me I am not a double agent.

    Lloyd: We never thought you were.

    Bruce: Yeah, we love you, man.

    Maxwell Smart: Then what's with the firearm and the freak-show expression?

    Bruce: For the security camera. If it looks like we let you go, we'd totally get fired.

    Maxwell Smart: [looks up at the camera then looks back] Got it.

    [Burce and Lloyd shuffle forward stiffly and regain fighting stances and angry expressions]

    Maxwell Smart: Where are the Chief and 99?

    Bruce: They flew to L.A. to talk to the President.

    Maxwell Smart: I need to get out of here before someone else comes to stop me.

    Bruce: I suggest you overpower us.

    Maxwell Smart: Good idea. Bruce I will smash you in the face.

    Bruce: [rather pleasantly] Thank you.

    Maxwell Smart: Lloyd, I will simulate your disembowelment.

    Lloyd: [whimpers slightly]

    Maxwell Smart: Ready? One...

    [Bruce flinches]

    Maxwell Smart: Not yet! I haven't punched you yet. React when I punch you.

    Bruce: [regains firearm] Oh, yeah.

    Maxwell Smart: One, two, three.

    [punches to the left but Bruce falls to his left]

    Maxwell Smart: Wrong way.

    Lloyd: OK, wait. You should know sometimes I faint.

    Maxwell Smart: I'm not actually going to hit you.

    Lloyd: No, but when I see blood, or talk about blood, or think about blood...

    Maxwell Smart: There will be no blood. Hang in there. Hang in, buddy.

    Lloyd: [faints]

  • Larabee: Hey, new guy. Hold up a second. Welcome to CONTROL. We have a tradition called "Pick on the new guy." Here's how it works. We pick on the new guy.

    Agent 91: And you can't do anything about it.

    Larabee: Let's try one. You dropped your pencil.

    Agent 91: Did you hear the man!

    Hymie: I don't see a man, I see two little girls. I think I'll call you Maureen, and you Brittany.

    Agent 91: New guy did not.

    Larabee: New guy did.

    Agent 91: OK, new guy...

    Larabee: I got this. And I'm going to enjoy it.

    Hymie: That will make me happy, Maureen.

    Larabee: Ho ho ho. Maureen...

    [Larabee punches Hymie in the stomach- loud metallic sound is heard]

    Larabee: OW! What's in there? Oh. Oh.

    Hymie: And just for the record.

    Larabee: Oh. Oh. What's in there?

    [Hymie staples paper to Larabee's forehead. Larabee screams]

    Hymie: My name is not "new guy". My name is Hymie. Now, if you ladies will excuse me.

    [Hymie walks away]

    Bruce: [Bruce and Lloyd hiding off to the side] This is going to be so fun.

    Lloyd: Make him high five me.

    [Hymie high fives Lloyd]

  • Larabee: Two-nerd pileup!

    [bumps Bruce and Lloyd together and makes the noise of squealing tires]

    Agent 91: [shoving Bruce and Lloyed into the desk] Move!

    Bruce: Pretty boys! Nothing but empty suits.

  • Lloyd: Hey Max, we got you a lovely parting gift for your first mission.

    Maxwell Smart: Oh, pocket knife!

    Lloyd: Not just pocket knife. Swiss Army knife. It comes with tweezers, pliers, tiny magnifying glass...

    Bruce: Fish scaler, a saw, a flamethrower, chisel, a wire-crimping tool.

    Lloyd: We also added a crossbow that fires harpoons connected to 60 ft of spider silk nanothread. It has the strength of steel cable.

    Bruce: It's a time-consuming, labor-intensive technology.

    Lloyd: Spiders have to be individually milked.

    Bruce: And they do not like it.

    Lloyd: No, they don't.

    Maxwell Smart: Gentlemen, you're the best. Thanks!

  • Cooper: Go on then Bruce, what scares you?

    Bruce: The self-destructive nature of the human condition.

    Spoon: You're just taking the piss now.

    Cooper: What about you, Spoon?

    Spoon: Castration.

    Cooper: There's no argument there. Joe?

    Joe: Only one thing guaranteed to put the shits up me: a penalty shoot-out.

    Cooper: Figures. Terry?

    Terry: Watching a penalty shoot-out... with Joe.

    Bruce: What about you, Coop?

    Cooper: Spiders. And women. And... spider-women.

  • [Joe watching the cow roasting on the fire]

    Joe: Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

    Bruce: You are joking aren't you?

    Spoon: You fuckin' animal.

    Joe: Yea, you're all thinking the same thing aren't you?

    Spoon: Mmmm.

    Joe: Right lads, how do ya like your steak done?

    Wells: You bunch of dirty bloody savages. You lot make me sick. God.

  • Bruce: Christ on a bike!

  • Bruce: Look, I'll tell you what. Get on the radio, bring the Special Forces guys down on our heads, and after they've finished kicking you about, you can ask them what the score was.

    Joe: What are ya trying to do? Mildly concern me?

    Bruce: It's reality that bites mate, not the creatures from your head.

  • [Joe's complaining about the quality of the food]

    Joe: I'm sick of this pre-packed dog shite.

    Bruce: If it's not one thing, it's another, eh Joe?

    Spoon: I know, you're like a bear with a sore head.

    Terry: Thanks to Cooper's fancy footwork.

    Cooper: Yeah, sorry about that Joe. How's your head doing?

    Joe: Still in one piece. Knock on wood.

  • Joe: Come on then Bruce, man. Lets hear the result on the radio.

    Bruce: Why do you keep torturing yourself?

    Joe: We might've slaughtered them.

    Bruce: Yeah, then again, you might not.

    Terry: We all wanna know the results Joe. We just enjoy watching you suffer.

    Joe: Laugh. I nearly split my sides.

    Spoon: Yeah, well there's no point tearing your hair out about it Joe... oops, sorry mate, too late.

  • Mommy: I told you where! And I told you when. And I told you how to get that bitch! You still blow it!

    Gang Member: Oh, Christ, how did I know she was going to come through the bleeding baggage shoot.

    Bruce: Mother! Mother, please!

    Mommy: Ohhhhh! I'm tired of being a pussycat!

  • [Red has just explained how she escaped the Wolf]

    Chief Grizzly: Yep, that settles it. We've got our bandit.

    Nicky Flippers: Ah, could be. I'd like to count my chickens after they hatch.

    Tommy: [oinks] Chickens?

    Red Puckett: You've gotta admit, a wolf stopping kids in the middle of the forest? That's pretty creepy!

    Nicky Flippers: Yes, right. But we don't arrest people for being creepy.

    Tommy: [on radio] Yeah Bruce, you know that guy we got in the tank?

    Bruce: Uh... the creepy one?

    Tommy: Yeah, better let him go.

    Nicky Flippers: [to Red] So you went on to Granny's?

    Red Puckett: I found an old trail up the north side of the mountain.

  • Bruce: I heard that the monster is soooo big.

    Chauncey: Well I bet he's got his eye on ME!

    Bruce: For your information, everyone knows monsters prefer blondes.

  • Bruce: I am a sex object. I always ask women for sex, and they object.

  • Bruce: Freddy, I was once run over by a Toyota... oh what a feeling.

  • [a beautiful geisha girl joins Johnny in a hot tub]

    Bruce: You're a 10!

    [the geisha removes her kimono]

    Bruce: You're a 10 where you should be a 36!

  • Bruce: [trying to intimidate an opponent] Look at my eyes. I am Oriental.

  • Bruce: Do you like sushi like I like sushi?

    Cowboy: I like Susie... Susie's my girl!

    Bruce: Oh, I had sushi last night!

  • Anita: My name's Anita. What's yours?

    Bruce: They call me Bruce.

    Anita: Bruce? Like Bruce Lee.

    Bruce: Of course.

    Anita: Then you must know kung fu.

    Bruce: Yes, I stepped in some yesterday.

  • Anita: Look, I'm a federal agent.

    Freddy: Oh, my God.

    Anita: The necklace I gave you was an electronic microphone. We've monitored all your conversations. We know your locations, all over the country.

    Freddy: Oh, my God!

    Bruce: Can't you say anything but, "Oh, my God"?

    Anita: They used you, Bruce! You were their stooge! You weren't delivering flour, you were delivering cocaine. Drugs, Bruce.

    Bruce: Drugs! Oh, my Buddah!

  • Susan Clark: We go down about a mile, there's a side road that cuts through the hills - that'll take us to a Union Road, then it's straight to US101. That way, we can miss all this traffic.

    Jack: Another Susan Clark Special Shortcut.

    Susan Clark: Listen, this time I have a map.

    Jack: Oh, got a map!

    Bruce: Oh great, last time she only had a hunch.

  • Susan Clark: Well, is this Union Road?

    Bruce: Who cares, it's paved! Which way?

    [Jack points right]

    Susan Clark: Left.

    Bruce;Vacek, Jack: [groaning] Right...

  • Jack: The story here in the "Herald Examiner" says that Harlan was a nice guy.

    Bruce: Hmph, well I guess you can't believe everything you read nowdays!

    Harlan Hollis: Thanks, guys.

  • Bruce: [reciting] I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends, not food.

  • Dory: Hi. I'm Dory.

    AnchorChumBruce: Hello, Dory.

    Dory: And, uh, well... well, I don't think I've ever eaten a fish.

    [the sharks applaud]

    Chum: Wow, that's incredible!

    Bruce: Good on ya, mate!

    Dory: Whew. Glad I got that off my chest.

  • Bruce: [breaking through a porthole while blood-crazy] Here's Brucey!

  • Bruce: Today's meeting is Step 5: Bring a fish friend. Everyone brought a fish friend?

    Anchor: Got mine.

    [a small fish shivering with fear]

    Dory: Hi there!

    Bruce: What about you, Chum?

    Chum: Oh... um... I seem to have misplaced my, um... friend.

    [a fish skeleton peeks from Chum's teeth; Chum quickly sucks it back in]

    Bruce: That's all right, mate. I had a feeling this would be a hard step. You can help yourself to one of my friends.

    Chum: [Taking Marlin] Thanks mate. A little chum for Chum, eh?

  • Marlin: There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumber. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber...

    [sees the mask]

    Marlin: Nemo!

    Chum: [laughing] Nemo! Ha ha! Nemo... I don't get it.

    Bruce: For a clown fish, he's not that funny.

  • Bruce: Now there is a father looking for his little boy.

    [starts crying]

    Bruce: I never knew my father!

    Anchor: Come on, group hug.

    Chum: We're all mates here, mate.

  • Bruce: Hello. My name is Bruce.

    AnchorChum: Hello, Bruce.

    Bruce: It has been three weeks since my last fish, on my honor, or may I be chopped up and made into soup.

    [Anchor and Chum applaud]

    Chum: You're an inspiration to us all!

    Anchor: Amen!

  • Mr. Ray: [introduction to the Bonus Features menu of the first disc of the DVD; Mr. Ray is singing] Let's make a selection, a selection, a selection. Let's make a selection on the D-V-D! Ohhhhh! Pick something.

    Nemo: [looks down at the reef] Cool!

    Mr. Ray: [all characters are off-screen past this point] Welcome explorers! So much to see, so much to learn. Let's go!

    [long pause]

    Mr. Ray: Okay, optical orbits up front, and let's pick a button.

    Dory: Uh! I'd like to see it with the commentary!

    Marlin: It's not up to you.

    Dory: Well, they might listen to me; I speak mammal. Choose the commentary!

    Marlin: Unbelievable...

    Mr. Ray: Sooo... Moving along!

    [pause]

    Mr. Ray: All scientific exploration is an act of discovery, so pick a button and discover what happens.

    Bruce: [Bruce's Easter egg narration on the same menu] Hullo. My name is Bruce. I promise to watch all the making-of features, listen to the complete audio-visual commentary, and search diligently for Easter Eggs. On my honor, so help me.

  • Bruce: Anchor! Chum!

    Anchor: There you are, Bruce. Finally!

    Bruce: We've got company.

    Anchor: Well, it's about time, mate!

    Chum: We've already gone through the snacks, and we're still starving!

    Anchor: We almost had us a feeding frenzy.

    Chum: Come on, let's get this over with.

  • [looking at the mines]

    Dory: Hey, look, balloons. It is a party.

    Bruce: Mind your distance, though. Those balloons can be a bit dodgy. You wouldn't want one of them to pop.

  • Bruce: All right, anyone else? Hello, how 'bout you, mate? What's your problem?

    Marlin: Me? I don't... I don't have a problem.

    Bruce: Oh. Okay...

    BruceAnchorChum: [to each other] Denial.

  • [Marlin and Dory are each pulling on the mask; it snaps and hits Dory in the face]

    Dory: Ow!

    Marlin: Oh, I'm really sorry. Are you okay?

    Dory: Ow, ow, ow!

    Marlin: I'm so sorry.

    Dory: You really clocked me there. Am I bleeding?

    [a wisp of blood floats from Dory's nose]

    Marlin: Ohh!

    Dory: Ow. Ow. Ow.

    Bruce: Dory, are you okay...

    [Sniffs the blood; his eyes turn black]

    Bruce: Oh, ooooooh, that's good...

    ChumAnchor: Intervention!

  • Bruce: Hello.

    [Marlin gasps, Dory swims up]

    Dory: Well, hi!

    Bruce: Name's Bruce.

    [offers fin, Marlin backs up]

    Bruce: It's all right. I understand.

    [turns away]

    Bruce: Why trust a shark, right?

    [quickly returns and snaps at Marlin and Dory, then laughs]

  • Bruce: [blasts face through door] Here's Brucieee!

  • Bruce: Just a bite!

    Anchor: Now you hold it together, mate!

    Chum: Remember, Bruce! Fish are friends, not food!

    Bruce: Food!

  • Bruce: I'm having fish tonight.

  • Bruce: So, what's a couple of bites like you doing out so late?

    Marlin: Nothing, we're not doing anything, we're not even out.

    Bruce: Great! Then how would you little morsels like to come to a little - a little get-together I'm having?

    Dory: You mean like a party?

    Bruce: Yeah, that's it, a party! What do you say?

    Dory: Oh, I love parties! That sounds like fun.

    Marlin: Parties are fun, and it's tempting, but we really have to...

    Bruce: [Takes Dory and Marlin by the fin] Aw, come on. I insist.

    Marlin: [Nervous] Okay, that's all that matters.

  • Bruce: [Jim is a Caucasian Secret Serivce agent] Sir, message from the President.

    Russell Kramer: Oh, thanks Jim.

    Bruce: Jim's off today, Sir. I'm Bruce.

    Russell Kramer: Oh, sorrry. You and Jim look very much alike.

    Bruce: Jim's Black, Sir.

  • Bruce: Wow look at her.

    Luke: How do ugly guys get hot chicks?

  • Bruce: You have no idea what I want. What is chess, do you think? Those who play for fun or not at all dismiss it as a game. The ones who devote their lives to it for the most part insist that it's a science. It's neither. Bobby Fischer got underneath it like no one before and found at its center, art. I spent my life trying to play like him. Most of these guys have. But we're like forgers. We're competent fakes. His successor wasn't here tonight. He wasn't here. He is asleep in his room in your house. Your son creates like Fischer. He sees like him, inside.

    Fred: You can tell this by watching him play some drunks in the park?

    Bruce: Yes. You want to know what I want. I'll tell you what I want. I want back what Bobby Fischer took with him when he disappeared.

  • Bruce: Do you know what it means to have "contempt" for your opponent?

    Josh: No.

    Bruce: It means to hate them. You have to hate them Josh, they hate you.

    Josh: But I don't hate them.

    Bruce: Well you'd better start.

  • Mitch: No longer will our penises be flaccid and unused.

    Bruce: No longer we steal grandfather's porn.

    Ox: No longer we will wear blindfolds while jerking each other off.

  • Richard Vernon: [after giving Mitch detention when mouths off to him] You want another one?

    Mitch: Yes...

    Richard Vernon: You got it.

    Mitch: Good!

    Richard Vernon: That's another one. You had enough yet?

    Mitch: No!

    Richard Vernon: That's another one.

    Mitch: So?

    Richard Vernon: You just say the word and I'll keep going.

    Mitch: Go!

    Richard Vernon: Eeny meeny miney...?

    Mitch: Mo!

    Richard Vernon: Your mother was a...?

    Mitch: Ho!

    Richard Vernon: He was a famous clown...?

    Mitch: Bobo!

    Ox: Mitch, cut it out!

    [Mitch looks at Ox, Ox mouths "stop!"]

    Richard Vernon: [to Ox] That's another one for you.

    Ox: But I was just...

    Richard Vernon: That's another one.

    Bruce: So, that make one more for Ox or for Mitch?

    Richard Vernon: Another.

    Bruce: I confused.

    Richard Vernon: Shut your hole, Wang Chung. I got all three of you guys for the rest of your natural born lives. You're mine. Next time I come in here I'm

    [Mitch mouths in unison]

    Richard Vernon: cracking skulls.

  • Bruce: Mitch, girl go pee-pee not something I want to see-see.

    Ox: I agree-gree.

  • [during song]

    Mitch: Getting pussy, no matter what.

    Bruce: Even if it with dirty slut.

    Ox: True love is what I want the most.

    Fat Short Order Cook: I just jerked off in your French toast.

  • [Bruce is white, but trying to be Chinese]

    Bruce: What up my yellow brothers? Chinks inda house!

  • [to Chinese guys]

    Bruce: Catch you later.

    [to two white guys dressed in hip-hop clothing]

    Bruce: What happenin?

    White Guy: Damn, Shorty, dawg is pretendin to be all Asian, and shit.

    White Guy: That Cracka is white! Can't he see dat yo?

  • Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan!

    Grace: Oh, thank you, God.

    Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York.

    Bruce: First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?

    Grace: [gasps in disbelief]

    Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory. Oh, well. No big deal.

    [mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat]

    Control Booth Operator: Oh, boy.

    Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...

    Bill, Ferry Owner: That's all right.

    Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk.

    Grace: Come on. What are you *doing*?

    Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?

    Bill, Ferry Owner: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...

    Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock

    [shouts]

    Bruce: of my life, eroding beneath me?

    [sticking his face into the camera]

    Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.

    Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black.

    Control Booth Operator: I'm on it.

    Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!

  • God: Grace. You want her back?

    Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.

    God: Now THAT'S a prayer.

  • [repeated line]

    Bruce: B-E-A-utiful.

  • Grace: Debbie won the lottery.

    Bruce: Oh, yeah? You're kidding.

    Grace: But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17.

  • Bruce: [Sitting in traffic in his Saleen S7] Oh darn, all this horsepower and no room to gallop!

    [Bruce sticks his two index fingers out, and moves them apart, causing all the cars to automatically pull over, leaving the way clear]

    Bruce: High ho silver, away!

    [Bruce drives down the road at high speed]

  • Bruce: Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away. Don't like it? Megabyte me.

  • Grace: I've got a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive.

    Bruce: Well I'm IB positive. I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle.

  • Bruce: Okay, prayer beads, 'God, please give me a sign.'

    [Truck with Danger signs passes him]

  • Bruce: Who are you?

    God: I'm the one. The Divine Being. Alpha and Omega.

    Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going.

    God: Bruce... I'm God.

    Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says... God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK!

  • Bruce: Lord, feed the hungry, and bring peace to all of mankind. How's that?

    God: Great... If you wanna be Miss America.

  • God: Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have a gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.

    Bruce: Quit bragging.

  • Bruce: How do you make so many people love you without affecting Free Will?

    God: [snorts] Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.

  • Bruce: And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

  • [Bruce wakes up in the hospital and he's holding the prayer beads]

    Bruce: Okay, now you're just showing off.

  • God: [walking across the lake with Bruce] There are only 2 rules. You can't tell anybody you're God, believe me you don't want that kind of attention, and you can't mess with free will.

    Bruce: Can I ask why?

    God: Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it!

  • Bruce: There were so many. I just gave them all what they want.

    God: Yeah. But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?

  • Bruce: [sticking up his middle finger and pretending he's playing a jazz tune] I can hold that note all day, buddy.

  • Bruce: Where are you going?

    God: I'm taking a vacation.

    Bruce: God doesn't take vacations. Does he?... Do... ye?

    God: Did you ever hear of the dark ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can clear everything up in five minutes, if you want to. Right?

  • Bruce: Yes, behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes, folks!

  • Bruce: [being overwhelmed with hearing prayers] Give me a break!

    [Bruce is instantly transported to meet with God]

    God: Really something, isn't it?

    Bruce: Is this heaven?

    God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.

    [pause]

    Bruce: I'm *dead*?

    God: Naw, I'm just messing with ya.

    Bruce: That's not funny, Man! That is *not* funny.

  • Bruce: [Grace is in the kitchen washing up. Bruce grabs her from behind and pulls her into a kiss] Morning.

    Grace: [Cheerful and giggly] Good morning. I made you grilled cheese.

    Bruce: [He sits down at the dinner table] Ooo, my favey.

    Grace: Honey last night was just...

    Bruce: Heavenly? I know, I know...

    Grace: I mean, you know, I woke up this morning and I felt like... like my boobs were bigger. I mean, do they look bigger to you?

    Bruce: [Accidentally squirts ketchup all over his sandwich] Uh, what? Your... uh... bigger?

    Grace: Oh come on!

    [She jiggles her boobs for him]

    Grace: Look at them, please! They are definitely bigger, I mean, look, they feel huge to me!

    Bruce: Listen, I uh, have to go. But this has been the breast beck... breast... thank you.

    [Kisses her]

    Grace: Where are you going?

    Bruce: [He turns around, confident] To get my job back.

  • Bruce: Love me. Love me.

    Grace: ...I did.

  • Bruce: [Grace is sat on the sofa, putting together a photo album. She hears Bruce singing from outside the door] What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a us, tryin' to make his way...

    [She opens the door, and Bruce is stood there]

    Bruce: .hooooOOOOOOME!

    Grace: Oh my God.

    Bruce: You can call me Bruce.

    Grace: What happened you you? You seem so-

    [He interrupts her with a kiss]

    Grace: ... happy.

    Bruce: Why shouldn't I be? On a night like this.

    [He presents her with some flowers]

    Grace: Ooooh... those are amazing! What are these?

    Bruce: They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them... tudaisies.

    Grace: Okay...

    [She walks away into the kitchen to get a vase]

    Grace: Honey, these flowers are really beautiful. But last night...

    Bruce: Last night I was only human.

    [He backs away seductively]

    Bruce: Barry help me out here.

    [the stereo magically turns on to Barry White's "Never Never Gonna Give You Up]

  • Bruce: Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.

  • Grace: I'll be out in a minute!

    Bruce: Don't rush yourself! Sometimes anticipation can heighten the... pleasure.

    [Growls]

    Grace: [Grace's vagina is filled with pleasure, and her knees buckle, causing her to hold onto the sink for support] Oh God! Oh!

    Bruce: It's a funny thing about pleasure.

    Grace: Wow.

    Bruce: It can be quite...

    [yells]

    Bruce: PLEASURABLE!

    Grace: [Grace's vagina is filled with even more pleasure, and she falls onto the toilet seat, knocking over several bottles as she does] Oh my God.

    Bruce: [Bruce thrusts his hands in Grace's direction, and starts sending pleasure to her with his mind] Pleasurable pleasurable pleasurable...

    Grace: [Grace writhes in sexual ecstasy on the seat, as she suddenly has the most powerful orgasm of her life] Oh God!

    [Moaning]

    Grace: Oh Good God!

    [She collapses onto the floor, overcome with sexual delight]

    Bruce: ...pleasurable pleasurable.

    [the bathroom door opens, and Bruce quickly stops chanting, and adopts a casual pose. Grace is stood in the doorway, using it for support. She runs at Bruce, who grabs her by the ass, and throws her down onto the bed]

    Grace: [Outside their apartment, we see their lights flickering, and hear Grace's loud moans of sexual bliss]

    Bruce: [Bruce cries out triumphantly]

  • Bruce: [shouting across the lake] Smite me, oh mighty Smiter!

  • Bruce: God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.

  • [on Buffalo's biggest cookie]

    Bruce: We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.

  • Bruce: [the body of Jimmy Hoffa has just been exhumed] Hey kid, wanna make 10 bucks?

    Kid: Sure

    Bruce: [holding a video camera] You know how to work one of these?

    Kid: Duh!

    Bruce: [blows into the eye piece like a trumpet] Seems to be in tune. Let's do this!

  • Bruce: [standing on the top of a skyscraper in a storm] I am Bruce Almighty! My will be done!

  • Bruce: Maybe I should be more like Evan.

    Jack: You don't want to be like Evan, Evan's an asshole.

    Bruce: Well I can be an asshole.

    Jack: No Bruce, you can't.

    [Bruce whacks Jack's sandwich out of his hands]

    Jack: You going to pick that up?

    Bruce: Yeah I'm sorry.

  • Bruce: Would it help if I said I was being a complete ass?

    Kid: Hey. You said "ass".

    Bruce: Yeah, but it's ok if I'm talkin' about a donkey.

  • Bruce: So you're the janitor, electrician, the boss. Must be one hell of a Christmas party... don't get drunk though, one of you may need a ride home

    [laughing]

    God: [laughing] You've always had a sense of humor, Bruce, just like your father.

  • [at the bakery, Vol is picking his nose ]

    Bruce: It's a good thing I'm wearing this

    [tugs at hair net]

    Bruce: because I wouldn't want any stray hairs falling into the booger!

  • Bruce: What if I need you? What if I have questions?

    God: That's your problem, Bruce. That's everybody's problem. You keep looking up.

  • Jack: There he is, the man of the hour!

    Bruce: Bless you, bless *all* of you! Be fruitful... and do long division or something!

  • [first lines]

    Bruce: God, why do you hate me?

  • Bruce: So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?

    Mama Kowolski: Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in pastry but I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle, but he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.

    Bruce: Let's try that again, shall we?

    Bruce: [New take] So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?

    Mama Kowolski: So all the children in the neighborhood will be happy?

    Bruce: And isn't it nice to see all their smiling faces?

    Vol Kowolski: I work in back. I see no smiles.

  • Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan with Eyewitness Nose... Eyewitness Nose... that's right!

  • Bruce: [revving his car] Come on come on... start!

    [slams his hands against the steering wheel, the car starts]

    Bruce: [stunned] That was luck.

  • Grace: So God is picking on you?

    Bruce: No, he's ignoring me completely!

  • Bruce: The only one around here not doing his job is you!

  • Grace: Honey, hi , wow!

    [Gasps as she looks up at the sky, seeing the moon, which Bruce has brought closer to the Earth]

    Grace: I've never seen the moon that big!

    Bruce: Yeah...

    [Bruce starts running his hands through Grace's hair sensually]

    Bruce: We really shouldn't waste it.

    [Bruce and Grace start making out passionately, as a divinely-caused meteor shower lights the sky behind them]

    Bruce: Bedroom?

    Grace: [Grace breaks the kiss] Five minutes!

    [Grace runs into the bathroom to prepare for sex]

  • Bruce: I needed time to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self.

    Jack: You did that in a day?

    Bruce: Imagine what I could do in seven...

  • Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "GOD BEE GOOD HONEY"

    Bruce: [holds up his own sign] "WHATEVER HE SAID - >"

  • Grace: You know that everything happens for a reason.

    Bruce: See, that I don't need. That is a cliché. That is not helpful to me. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"... I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.

  • [after God finds the bead that Bruce had earlier threw in the lake]

    Bruce: Holy sh... cow.

  • [looking in mirror and doing a Walter Cronkite impression]

    Bruce: That's the way it was... and that's the way the cookie crumbles... and That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it uh HUH uh HUH.

  • Bruce: Excuse me, I need a spoooo...

    [a spoon appears, sliding out of his mouth]

    Bruce: It's okay, I found one.

  • Bruce: [Bruce turns around from a mirror and sees the dog urinating on a chair] Grace, the dog!

    Grace: I'm in the shower!

  • Bruce: What up with thee.

  • [From a scripted, but unreleased scene]

    Susan Ortega: [Bruce and Susan are at the Eyewitness News desk, preparing for their first live broadcast together. Susan leans over to Bruce] Bruce, if I had any idea Grace was going to be there last night...

    Bruce: Susan, you didn't do anything wrong. In fact, I found the moment rather pleasurable.

    Susan Ortega: [She gasps and moans as she has a small orgasm] Oh really... that's nice...

  • Mother: [Bruce drives up in his fancy car] What the heck is that?

    Grace: Oh, Bruce's new car.

    Mother: Ok...

    Grace: [Bruce gets out of the car and walks towards her] I am mad at you.

    Bruce: I know you are, and you have every right to be.

    [He pulls out a bouquet of flowers]

    Bruce: But I have flowers.

    Grace: What are those?

    Bruce: They're a hybrid of sunflowers and lilies. I call 'em "sillies". 'Cause they're a little mixed up like me.

  • Bruce: B-E-A-utiful. Come on, let's go back inside and have a shit.

  • Bruce: Ally, can we get a recap?

    Ally Loman: You remember the Kowalskis? They've owned the shop for thirty years and they're attempting to set a record by making Buffalo's largest cookie.

  • Bruce: What is with that?

  • Bruce: It's good. It's goooooood!

  • Stalled Car Guy: Well, thanks a million.

    Bruce: [puts his hand up] God bless.

  • Grace: [after Bruce was attacked by hoodlums] Oh, thank God you're all right.

    Bruce: Yeah, let's thank God, shall we? For his blessings are raining down upon me. Wait, that's not rain!

  • God: [Approaching Bruce] You've been doing a lot of complaining about me, Bruce. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it.

    Bruce: Wait, really. I'm warning you. When I'm backed into a corner, I'm like a wild animal!

    God: You haven't won a fight since the fifth grade and that was against a girl.

    Bruce: Yeah, but she was *huge*.

    God: And the sun was in your eyes.

  • Bruce: [measuring the diameter Buffalo's cookie] And the cookie is... ten feet and four inches! That's a record!

  • Bruce: [He finishes his report, and Grace comes up to him] Hey...

    [They kiss]

    Bruce: How was that?

    Grace: That was great.

    Bruce: Yeah?

    Grace: That was really great.

    [They kiss again]

    Grace: Now you still have to go over there. They nurse is waiting.

    Bruce: Oh... do I have to?

    Grace: Oh it's not gonna hurt. In fact I think you'll find it quite pleasurable.

    Bruce: Ooo baby.

  • Hazel: [Being interviewed by Bruce] My secret is that I let the jalapeños marinate in a spicy sauce for at least 24 hours, before I stir it into the chilli. Then I let it all come to a simmer.

    Bruce: [He closes his eyes and concentrates. A meteor then crashes right behind them] Hold that thought Hazel! It seems as if... an asteroid, or some kind of meteorite... has just hit ground, right outside of the Mark Twain Chilli Cook-off! This should certainly spice things up a bit!

  • [From a deleted scene on the DVD]

    Bruce: Alright, now we're gettin' somewhere. Let's see... Filbert Davis, Gym Class.

    [He reads the prayer]

    Bruce: Lemme get a visual on this.

    School Bully 1: [They're stood in gym class, next to the climbing rope] Come on, fatty Filbert! My grandma can climb higher than you!

    School Bully 2: Pretend there's a hot dog up there!

    Filbert Davis: Oh God, please help me!

    Bruce: Don't worry Filbert, help is on the way!

    [Filbert suddenly has a burst of strength, and is able to climb up to the top of the rope]

    Filbert Davis: Oh my gosh...

  • Bruce: [Grace has walked out angrily after catching Bruce kissing Susan Ortega. Bruce is running after her] Grace! Grace, come here! Grace, this is so weird, I was just calling you!

    Grace: Oh yeah, what, and you thought like Susan's mouth was the phone?

    Bruce: She kissed me! I'm the kissee!

    Grace: Yeah, you were putting up a really big fight!

    Bruce: I tried to fight her off. I tried to stop her, but she's really strong. Okay, I screwed up! Can I make it up to you?

    Grace: Yeah! Why don't you get me a boat, Bruce?

    Bruce: What?

    Grace: Yeah, a big boat! And then maybe two big bags of cash? Then, then I'll be happy. Lots of money and lots of stuff! Other people want idiotic crap like getting married or having babies with the man that they've loved for 5 years, but not me Bruce! Just gimme the boat!

    [She gets in the car]

    Bruce: No wonder you stayed single! Grace, don't do this!

    Grace: I'm not doing it! I'm undoing it. I'll be at Debbie's, you take care of Sam until I can make arrangements.

    [She drives off]

    Bruce: You can't leave me! I'm the Alpha, lady! I'm the Omega, baby! Okay fine. I don't need you!

  • Bruce: [He finds a particular photo amongst the others] Woah, hold the phone. I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.

    Grace: How did you get that? That's supposed to be in our private stash.

    Bruce: [Staring at it] You look perky, hun. Must've been cold.

    Grace: Alright just give it to me.

    Bruce: You know I think I'll put this on my computer and use it as a wallpaper.

    Grace: Okay, Bruce, give it to me! Come on!

    [She tries to get it off him]

    Bruce: Hey! Hey! No no no!

    Grace: Alright fine. Do with it what you will. I don't care.

    Bruce: I will do with it what I will. You know, I might even send this into Playboy. I hear their layouts can be quite tasteful.

    Grace: Give that to me, right now!

    [She pounces on him]

  • Hood: You want me and the homies to apologize right?

    [Bruce nods]

    Hood: Okay Cool, man, the day a monkey comes out of my butt is the day you'll get your sorry.

    Bruce: What a coincidence, because that's TODAY.

  • Bruce: Let there be light!

    [With a single gesture, Bruce makes a series of candles light up]

  • Bruce: [Bruce sees Sam, about to urinate on an armchair] Sam...

    [He points to the bathroom, and Sam goes to urinate in the toilet]

    Bruce: Good boy.

    [Sam turns to leave]

    Bruce: Ah! Forget something?

    [Sam goes to put the seat down]

    Bruce: Good boy! There are girls in the house, huh?

  • Bruce: If you look at it, dogs have three basic needs. That's- that's eatting, sleeping, peeing and pooping.

    Andi: That's four.

    Bruce: No, I think peeing and pooping is one.

    Heather: Uh, I've stepped in both and I have to disagree.

  • Andi: [police see them where a store was broken into, the thieves just got away] We can't get in trouble again!

    Bruce: We didn't do anything.

    Andi: You want to tell them that?

  • Bruce: I hope you realize you've just committed assault.

    Henry Desalvo: I know, I know. Time was, you actually had to hit somebody.

  • Henry Desalvo: I got a great New York Strip over there that cost me $27 in change and it tastes like I'm eating a cigar butt. Now please put out your cigars.

    Bruce: There's no rule against smoking here.

    Henry Desalvo: This isn't about rules, it's about manners. Now there's no rule that says that I cant come over here and fart on your entree. But I don't do it. Why? Because it's not good manners. Now I'm asking you please - put out your cigars.

    Bruce: [blows smoke in Henry's face] No.

    [Henry breaks his middle and index fingers]

    Bruce: I hope you realize you've just committed assault.

    Henry Desalvo: I know. There was a time when you actually had to hit somebody.

  • Bruce: [about his ad] She should be bending over for maximum exposure.

    Eliot Arnold: [thinks about it] Maximum exposure...

  • Bruce: Synthetic, less friction means less blisters. Unless you like blisters. Who likes blisters?

    Bruce: Pilgrims.

    Bejan: Exactly!

  • Bruce: I have something you don't have. Do you know what that is?

    Drew: Type 2 diabetes.

    Bruce: Heart. Corazón... You know.

  • Bruce: Hey. I just wanted to say sorry for being rude to you.

    Bejan: Yes you were. You were very rude to me. You were kind of a pig to me actually. A rude pig.

    [pauses]

    Bejan: I'm kidding with you god! My name is Bejan nice to meet you!

  • Bruce: Did you know that with the top of the line German cars, if you accidentally kill people, German pays for it ?

  • Molly: Honestly, what is it? If you just want to sleep with me, I don't think I'm all worth the effort. And what if it's not that, what is it you can't resist? My sparkling personality?

    Bruce: Actually it's your high self-esteem.

  • Bruce: They offered me 4X or Toyota. With 4X I get a free Toyota. But with Toyota, I gotta buy my own beer!

  • Debbie Vickers: [during attempted sex] It's hurting.

    Bruce: Keep still.

    Debbie Vickers: Ow! Oh. It's no use. It's too big.

    Bruce: Shit.

  • Rick: Fuck! Why do these guys have to be black? I mean, why? No matter how we spin this thing, I'm either gonna lose the black vote or I'm gonna lose the law and order vote!

    Karen: You know, I think you're worrying too much. You have a lot of support in the black community.

    Rick: All right. If we can't duck this thing, we're gonna have to neutralize it. What we need is a picture of me pinning a medal on a black man. Bruce? The firefighter - the one that saved the camp or something - Northridge... what's his name?

    Bruce: He's Iraqi.

    Rick: He's Iraqi? Well, he looks black.

    Bruce: He's dark-skinned, sir, but he's Iraqi, his name's Saddam Hassif.

    Rick: Saddam? His name's Saddam? Oh, that's real good, Bruce. Yeah, I'm gonna pin a medal on an Iraqi named Saddam. Give yourself a raise, will you?

  • [last lines]

    Bruce: You know, they say, that every guilty person is his own hangman. They also say that tomorrow will be a better day. And you know what I say? Goddamn, it's freezing.

  • Bruce: [Leaving his snowplow] Au revoir, fucker!

  • Lisa: It's like mom's pancakes. Every morning she makes them for breakfast. And you're always trying to fix the car, which for some mysterious reason has always stopped running. Then Mac & Cheese for lunch. Then we have meatloaf for dinner. Every night. At 8:00 we watch Murder She Wrote. We go to bed, wake up tomorrow, and do exact same thing.

    Bruce: Well you have school tomorrow, and I have work, so...

    Lisa: There is no school. There is no work.

    Carol: Then what about your birthday, that's not tomorrow either?

    Lisa: No. It never comes. It's always the day before I turn 16. It's pretty frustrating.

  • [last lines]

    Lisa: What's out there?

    Bruce: Whatever you want there to be.

  • Bruce: There was four and one quarter inches of steel and fiberglass between your front grill and my wife when your vehicle hit mine with a force 9 times greater than you just experienced.

  • Bruce: What's happening to Dodgson's prison contact? The one who passed him the pills and so on?

    Flecker: He's having ten years off his sentence and then we're sending him to Northern Ireland.

    Bruce: You do take away with one hand what you give with the other.

Browse more character quotes from Get Smart (2008)

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