Pee Wee Morris Quotes in Porky's (1981)

Wendy: [answering the phone behind the counter at the roadside diner] Deadbeats.

Pee Wee Morris: [into pay phone, disguising his voice] Hello. Hi. I'm lookin' for a friend of mine. He's s'posed to be there.

Wendy: Uh, what's his name?

Pee Wee Morris: His name's Michael Hunt... uh Mike, Mike. Yes, Mike.

Wendy: Mike Hunt? Okay, just hang on a minute.

[raising her voice to address the patrons]

Wendy: Is Mike Hunt here?

[Pee Wee laughs]

Wendy: Is Mike Hunt here?

[several patrons begin to snicker]

Wendy: Has anybody seen Mike Hunt?

[patrons begin to cackle uncontrollably]

Meat: Practically everybody in town, from what I hear.

Pee Wee Morris: [to Tommy, about the normal-sized condom he was given] It's too big.

[Everybody else laughs]

Tommy Turner: Peewee, we don't have any training rubbers.

Mickey: He needs the junior size.

Brian Schwartz: [Seriously] Peewee, tie a knot in it.

Meat: [as Peewee is given another condom and he returns to the bus] Hey Peewee, what do you think this is? The return desk at Macys?

Billy: Cherry, this is Pee Wee.

Cherry Forever: I'll say. What do you use for a jockstrap, kid? A peanut shell and a rubber band?

[laughter from the other guys]

Cherry Forever: [to Billy] You know we'd better tie a board across his ass, or he's liable to fall in.

[more laughter in background]

Cherry Forever: [to Pee Wee] Save your energy, needle dick. You're gonna need it.

Pee Wee Morris: [giggling] OK.

Pee Wee Morris: GOD DAMN IT! WILL YOU MOVE IT, YOU LARD ASS?

Pee Wee Morris: All I need is a watermelon and two jelly donuts!

Billy: That's it. I am not taking a shower with you.

[Billy and the other guys get up and leave]

Pee Wee Morris: Religious fanatics.

Pee Wee Morris: Yeah, that's just how I like 'em!

Mickey: You like 'em as long as they ain't dead.

Pee Wee Morris: I don't care if they're dead as long as they ain't too cold.

Tommy Turner: [to the rest of the guys at Cherry Forever's house] Okay, Cherry's ready. Everyone get their clothes off.

Tim: Wait. What's this bullshit?

Billy: She's got to make sure everybody clean. No VD.

Steve: How's she going to tell that by looking at us?

Tommy Turner: She's done this so many times, she's practically a doctor.

Tim: Yeah, and who's going to inspect her?

[murmurs of agreement from the rest of the guys]

Billy: Look, you guys want to get laid or have a debate?

Pee Wee Morris: Okay, I'm ready!

[they turn to see Pee-Wee wasted no time stripping down, then laughter of all kinds go through the crowd, which Pee-Wee ignores]

Pee Wee Morris: I'm gonna get laid. Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus.

Sheriff Wallace: [Sheriff Wallace, Porky's brother, arrives with his storm troopers to catch Mickey, Tommy, Meat, Tim and Pee Wee in the act] Hold it! Hold it!

[the Sheriff sees Pee Wee trying to sneak away]

Sheriff Wallace: Ya better fuckin' freeze, mister!

[He does]

Sheriff Wallace: What's goin' on here, Pork?

Porky: I was givin' the old place an enema and this pile of shit come floatin' up to the surface.

Pee Wee Morris: [to Porky, offended] Hey!

Sheriff Wallace: [to Pee Wee] Shut up, boy. Just shut up.

Billy: All right. Now remember, any sign of guns and we're gone, okay?

[Porky, with a couple of bouncers, storms out the strip joint holding a bat]

Pee Wee Morris: Yo, Billy.

Porky: Where are these five little virgins who think they reached manhood? You wanna tangle ass with me? Come up here, you sawed-off punk! I'll educate ya! I'll wrap this right around your damn neck! Come on, move it!

Billy: [taunts Porky] Boy, boy, Porky. You know, we're really scared. I guess we better go now.

Porky: You better be. Go on, get your ass on home!

Billy: I hope shit floats!

Porky: You'll float if I ever catch you around here again, you little shit!

[the gang are at the Deadbeats drive-in restaurant getting their food and drinks]

Billy: The worst thing is you guys are out a hundred bucks.

Tommy Turner: This is just the kind of thing you write off.

Pee Wee Morris: [hands Tommy the receipt] Here you go.

Tommy Turner: Again?

Pee Wee Morris: I got it last time.

Tommy Turner: [pays the waitress] Great. Mick, I'm telling ya, they're bad mothers.

Mickey: I'm going back to get that pig.

Meat: Yeah right, Mick.

Mickey: [throws his hamburger in a fit] Yeah, Meat!

Sheriff Wallace: Well, it looks like to me we got five Angel Beach assholes here. Yes, sir. Five walkin' talkin' rectums.

[Sheriff chuckles; to Mickey]

Sheriff Wallace: Where's your car, boy?

Mickey: [points to his Ford pick-up truck] Right there.

Sheriff Wallace: You from Seward County?

Mickey: Yeah.

Sheriff Wallace: Well, I don't know much about the laws in Seward County, but we got laws here about driving with busted headlights.

Mickey: I don't have a busted headlight.

Sheriff Wallace: Don't have a busted headlight?

[the Sheriff smashes the right-side headlight of Mickey's truck; Porky and his goons laughs]

Mickey: [shocked] Shit!

Sheriff Wallace: That's a $35.00 fine. Thirty-five bucks or a night in jail!

Tommy Turner: I've got fifteen bucks.

Pee Wee Morris: I've got-I've got five.

Sheriff Wallace: You got five, you got fifteen, huh?

Meat: I've got twelve.

Tim: I think I got three.

Porky: [to his goons] Watch this.

[the Sheriff then smashes the rear right-side taillight]

Mickey: [grows angry] Goddamn it!

[Porky and his goons laughing]

Sheriff Wallace: You got a busted taillight, too. That's 20 more dollars. Can you cover it?

Mickey: I've got ten.

Sheriff Wallace: Give it to me! Give me all you got.

[the Sheriff starts collecting the boys money, but stops midway]

Sheriff Wallace: Well, I guess I can show a little leniency for first offenders. Whadaya say, Pork? Should I give these nice lads a break?

Porky: Oh, they seem like a nice bunch of clean-cut Angel Beach pussies. A little smelly. Yeah, give 'em a break.

Sheriff Wallace: You heard the man. You get your candy-asses back over to Seward County and you keep 'em there. This here's a "man's" county. Go on, get the fuck out. Go on. Go on!

[the boys pile up in Mickey's truck]

Sheriff Wallace: Go on. Here we go! Here we go! Goin' home now, ain't we?

Porky: [to his goons] I don't think they'll be comin' back. Let's go back inside and get some beer.

Ted Jarvis: [after watching Mickey get taken away in an ambulance] I'll see you guys later.

Tommy Turner: Hey Ted, we're going too.

Ted Jarvis: [Upon hearing this, he slams the door to his car and turns back to Tommy] No you're not! It's bad enough we have to go into their jurisdiction without having to add the charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor!

Pee Wee Morris: But he...

Ted Jarvis: No "buts", Pee-Wee! I don't wanna see any of you boys get hurt.

Brian Schwartz: [Walks up] Nobody has to get hurt.

Ted Jarvis: What's that, Brian?

Brian Schwartz: Nobody has to get hurt, and your career doesn't have to be in jeopardy.

Ted Jarvis: Well, I'm all for that, Brian. What do you have in mind?

Brian Schwartz: It doesn't have to be tonight, right?

Ted Jarvis: Nope. It doesn't have to be tonight.

Brian Schwartz: Good.

[at graduation]

Pee Wee Morris: Inga? Do you still have your dress on?

Inga: It's American custom, you know.

Tommy, Meat, Billy, Brian and Wendy (together): Ja! Ja! Ja!

Inga: I love America.

[she unzips her gown and shows pee wee her breasts]

Inga: Ja, ja, ja.