Sheriff Wallace Quotes in Porky's (1981)

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Sheriff Wallace Quotes:

  • Sheriff Wallace: [Sheriff Wallace, Porky's brother, arrives with his storm troopers to catch Mickey, Tommy, Meat, Tim and Pee Wee in the act] Hold it! Hold it!

    [the Sheriff sees Pee Wee trying to sneak away]

    Sheriff Wallace: Ya better fuckin' freeze, mister!

    [He does]

    Sheriff Wallace: What's goin' on here, Pork?

    Porky: I was givin' the old place an enema and this pile of shit come floatin' up to the surface.

    Pee Wee Morris: [to Porky, offended] Hey!

    Sheriff Wallace: [to Pee Wee] Shut up, boy. Just shut up.

  • [One of Sheriff Wallace's deputies accidentally drives his squad car in reverse into the swamp, wrecking the office in the process, despite being in Drive gear; Sheriff Wallace jumps into the swamp]

    Sheriff Wallace: Don't you sons-of-bitches know the difference between drive and reverse?

    Deputy no. 1: I did have it in drive, Boss!

    Sheriff Wallace: Get me outta here.

  • Sheriff Wallace: You checked that car out?

    Deputy no. 1: Ain't nothin' wrong with this car, boss.

    Sheriff Wallace: Come on, shit for brains!

    [the Sheriff and his deputies get into the second car and attempt to catch the tow truck, but all four of the wheels fall off thanks to Tim unscrewing the bolts]

    Sheriff Wallace: [mocking] "Ain't nothin' wrong with this car, boss."

  • Sheriff Wallace: Well, it looks like to me we got five Angel Beach assholes here. Yes, sir. Five walkin' talkin' rectums.

    [Sheriff chuckles; to Mickey]

    Sheriff Wallace: Where's your car, boy?

    Mickey: [points to his Ford pick-up truck] Right there.

    Sheriff Wallace: You from Seward County?

    Mickey: Yeah.

    Sheriff Wallace: Well, I don't know much about the laws in Seward County, but we got laws here about driving with busted headlights.

    Mickey: I don't have a busted headlight.

    Sheriff Wallace: Don't have a busted headlight?

    [the Sheriff smashes the right-side headlight of Mickey's truck; Porky and his goons laughs]

    Mickey: [shocked] Shit!

    Sheriff Wallace: That's a $35.00 fine. Thirty-five bucks or a night in jail!

    Tommy Turner: I've got fifteen bucks.

    Pee Wee Morris: I've got-I've got five.

    Sheriff Wallace: You got five, you got fifteen, huh?

    Meat: I've got twelve.

    Tim: I think I got three.

    Porky: [to his goons] Watch this.

    [the Sheriff then smashes the rear right-side taillight]

    Mickey: [grows angry] Goddamn it!

    [Porky and his goons laughing]

    Sheriff Wallace: You got a busted taillight, too. That's 20 more dollars. Can you cover it?

    Mickey: I've got ten.

    Sheriff Wallace: Give it to me! Give me all you got.

    [the Sheriff starts collecting the boys money, but stops midway]

    Sheriff Wallace: Well, I guess I can show a little leniency for first offenders. Whadaya say, Pork? Should I give these nice lads a break?

    Porky: Oh, they seem like a nice bunch of clean-cut Angel Beach pussies. A little smelly. Yeah, give 'em a break.

    Sheriff Wallace: You heard the man. You get your candy-asses back over to Seward County and you keep 'em there. This here's a "man's" county. Go on, get the fuck out. Go on. Go on!

    [the boys pile up in Mickey's truck]

    Sheriff Wallace: Go on. Here we go! Here we go! Goin' home now, ain't we?

    Porky: [to his goons] I don't think they'll be comin' back. Let's go back inside and get some beer.

  • Porky: [as the pig mobile pulls up behind the tow truck and they all get out, to Ted] I want those mosey little mothas arrested, and I mean like right now! Those boys just destroyed my night club.

    Ted Jarvis: How'd they do that?

    Porky: They've been coming in the last couple of weeks.

    Ted Jarvis: Which ones?

    Porky: [Points to Tim then Mickey] This one, and that little bastard back there!

    Ted Jarvis: [Points to them himself] You mean this sixteen year old and this seventeen year old youngster were frequenting your establishment?

    Sheriff Wallace: [Butts in] They've been coming in before! This ain't the first time, especially that little sun-of-a-bitch...

    Porky: [Stops him, now uneasy] Look, we may have made a mistake. They're obviously youngsters.

    Sheriff Wallace: What are you talking about, Pork?

    Porky: [Quietly, emphasizing] They're youngsters!

    Sheriff Wallace: [to Ted] No, look! Those boys just destroyed my station house! Destroyed two of my cars! I want them booked on felony charges of destruction of private property, and assault and battery!

    Ted Jarvis: Now hold on, Sheriff.

    Sheriff Wallace: "Hold on", my ass!

    Ted Jarvis: [Brandishing his rifle] You're in *my* county now! I wonder what I could book you for.

    [Looks over the car, then breaks one of the headlights with the butt of his rifle]

    Mickey: [as everyone cheers and laughs] Get him, brother!

    Ted Jarvis: [to Porky] Broken headlight. That's a $50 fine in Seward County.

    Porky: [Pulls a $50 bill from his wad of cash] Got that right here.

    [Ted then cocks his rifle and shoots the left front tire of the car, Porky is then seen clearing out his ear, then quietly to his brother]

    Porky: Damn!

    Ted Jarvis: Blown tire.

    [Shrugs]

    Ted Jarvis: That's too bad.

    [Everyone laughs, he then shoots the radiator and we hear the pig whistle horn die]

    Ted Jarvis: Broken radiator. This car's a mess.

    [More laughter from the crowd; he then reloads and aims at the hood ornament from his hip]

    Meat: [Leading the cheers] Do it! Do it!

    [He does]

    Porky: [Quietly throwing a fit] Daw shit!

    Porky: Broken hood ornament. And questions?

  • Porky: [to Ted] Alright how much do you want?

    Ted Jarvis: I'll let you off on the promise that you get your fat ass back across that county line, and the promise from your brother that all piccatilling that may have occurred tonight will be forgotten.

    Sheriff Wallace: [to Ted] Why don't you stick it up your...

    [Porky covers his mouth]

    Porky: Promise him, for Christ sakes! Promise him!

    Sheriff Wallace: [Removes Porky's hand] Yeah, I promise to shove my foot...

    [Porky re-covers his mouth, then gets in his face]

    Porky: Promise him, you asshole, or you'll be back shoveling the pig shit!

    Sheriff Wallace: [Pulls his hand away again, then turns away disgusted, quietly] I promise.

    Ted Jarvis: [Almost taunting him] What's that? I couldn't hear ya!

    Sheriff Wallace: [Turns back, yelling] I said I promise, you mother...

    [Porky covers his mouth once again, he removes it]

    Sheriff Wallace: I promise.

    [Everyone cheers]

    Ted Jarvis: [to Porky] Alright, now get this car out of Seward County.

    Porky: You blew away our engine and we have a flat tire. How?

    Porky: [Pats him] Just put a little weight behind it. I'm sure you boys can manage that.

    Porky: [Ted walks away, to his goons] Alright get your shoulders behind this thing.

    [as they push the car back towards the county line, the celebration begins]

Browse more character quotes from Porky's (1981)

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