Brian Schwartz Quotes in Porky's (1981)

Tim: Anybody wanna go fly a kite with me tonight? I hear it's great weather for flying KITES! I wonder if there's any KITES around here we can fly!

Brian Schwartz: Hey listen, Cavanaugh. It's not kite, it's KIKE! K-I-K-E, "kike." You know, you're too stupid to even be a good bigot!

Pee Wee Morris: [to Tommy, about the normal-sized condom he was given] It's too big.

[Everybody else laughs]

Tommy Turner: Peewee, we don't have any training rubbers.

Mickey: He needs the junior size.

Brian Schwartz: [Seriously] Peewee, tie a knot in it.

Meat: [as Peewee is given another condom and he returns to the bus] Hey Peewee, what do you think this is? The return desk at Macys?

Brian Schwartz: When you're Jewish you either learn to fight, or you take a lotta shit. I don't like to take shit

Mr. Cavanaugh: [Overheard] C'mon, Jew-boy!

Unseen Boy: Hey, watch it buddy!

Mr. Cavanaugh: [Cut to him circling Brian and flicking gently at his ears] Louie, Ivy, Abie, Slain. We the boy who don't eat no ham.

Brian Schwartz: [Doesn't even look at him] You really get a kick out of this, don't you?

Mr. Cavanaugh: Oh-ho, you got yourself a big Jew mouth, just like your big Jew nose! You a big man when you're kicking the ass out of kids with that sneaky Jap stuff, huh? Well, come on, why don't you try some of that shit on me? C'mon! Jew boy!

[Tim slides in and stands up for him]

Ted Jarvis: [after watching Mickey get taken away in an ambulance] I'll see you guys later.

Tommy Turner: Hey Ted, we're going too.

Ted Jarvis: [Upon hearing this, he slams the door to his car and turns back to Tommy] No you're not! It's bad enough we have to go into their jurisdiction without having to add the charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor!

Pee Wee Morris: But he...

Ted Jarvis: No "buts", Pee-Wee! I don't wanna see any of you boys get hurt.

Brian Schwartz: [Walks up] Nobody has to get hurt.

Ted Jarvis: What's that, Brian?

Brian Schwartz: Nobody has to get hurt, and your career doesn't have to be in jeopardy.

Ted Jarvis: Well, I'm all for that, Brian. What do you have in mind?

Brian Schwartz: It doesn't have to be tonight, right?

Ted Jarvis: Nope. It doesn't have to be tonight.

Brian Schwartz: Good.