Mr. Poe Quotes in A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)

Mr. Poe: ...So I'm taking you to live with your dear Count Olaf, who resides right here in the city just 37 blocks away.

Klaus Baudelaire: I don't think that's what "closest" is supposed to mean.

Violet Baudelaire: We don't know a Count Olaf.

Mr. Poe: Yes, yes, of course you do. He's either your third cousin four times removed or your forth cousin three times removed.

Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] Someone's BRAIN'S been removed!

Violet Baudelaire: Sunny!

Mr. Poe: Children, I'm afraid I must inform you of an extremely unfortunate event. I'm very, very sorry to tell you this but your parents have perished in a fire that has destroyed your entire home.

Mr. Poe: [about Stephano] The Italian fiend!

Mr. Poe: If something happened to the Baudelaires, you wouldn't get the Baudelaire fortune.

Count Olaf: Say what?

Mr. Poe: Unless, of course, the exception of blood relatives and married couples.

Count Olaf: Really?

[thinks for a moment]

Count Olaf: Mr. Poe... Have I told you about our new play?

Mr. Poe: Count Olaf? What are you doing here?

The Detective: Please, Mr. Poe.

[to Olaf]

The Detective: Count Olaf, what are you doing here, man?

Klaus Baudelaire: [conceerning Olaf's evil plot] He tried to kill us!

Mr. Poe: Now let's not exagerrate Klaus. The vehicle was not even in gear.

Mr. Poe: Now, as chief officer of Mulctuary Management, and the executor of your parents' estate, it is my legal obligation to take care of your money till you come of age and to place you in the care of your closest relative.

[after Count Olaf's plan to legally marry Violet during "The Marvelous Marriage" is revealed]

Mr. Poe: You unspeakable cad! Arrest him!

The Detective: For what?

Mr. Poe: For being a greedy monster!

Count Olaf: Oh... I'm the monster? *I'm* the monster?

[grins evilly]

Count Olaf: *You're* the monster. These children tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen. No one ever listens to children! You think you're innocent? You're accomplices! This certificate says that I have the fortune now! And there's nothing you can do about it!