Count Olaf Quotes in A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)

Count Olaf: I must say, you are a gloomy looking bunch. Why so glum?

Klaus Baudelaire: ...Our parents just died.

Count Olaf: Ah yes, of course. How very, very awful. Wait! Let me do that one more time. Give me the line again! Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind!

Klaus Baudelaire: [uncertainly] Our parents just died?

Count Olaf: [gasps dramatically]

Sunny: [in baby talk] What a schmuck!

Violet Baudelaire: Dinner is served. Puttanesca.

Count Olaf: What did you call me?

Klaus Baudelaire: It's pasta... Pasta Puttanesca.

Count Olaf: Where's the roast beef?

Klaus Baudelaire: Roast beef?

Count Olaf: Beef, yes. Roast beef. It's the Swedish term for beef that is roasted!

Count Olaf: [meeting the children for the first time] Ah! My dear...

[looks at stick figures of children with names on his hands]

Count Olaf: Violet. Enchantée!

Violet Baudelaire: Uh... how do you do?

Count Olaf: And this must be Klaus! Young Klaus! Your left side is the good one.

[looks with disgust at Sunny]

Count Olaf: And... what is *this*?

Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] I'm Sunny!

Count Olaf: I'm sorry. I don't speak monkey.

Count Olaf: [speaking to Klaus] Why, you little...

Sunny: [bites him]

[speaking baby talk]

Sunny: Back off, Parrot Face!

Count Olaf: Ohhhh!

[gasping]

Sunny: [baby talk] I'll bite higher!

Count Olaf: [speaks gibberish]

Sunny: [baby talk] Don't mock me!

Count Olaf: [speaks gibberish again]

Sunny: [baby talk] Wow, you *are* nuts.

Count Olaf: Now that we're a family, I can be the ulll-timate DAD.

Count Olaf: Goodbye children. It's been fun.

[leans in]

Count Olaf: I'm gonna get you kids. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'll *find* you! Oh, you are so deceased!

Klaus Baudelaire: This is ridiculous! Violet's only 14! She can't be legally married!

Count Olaf: She can if she has the permission of her guardian. And who's that? Oh, yes. Me!

[laughs maniacally]

Count Olaf: Look it up, bookworm!

Klaus Baudelaire: You won't get a cent until Violet turns 18.

Count Olaf: Oh really... says who?

Klaus Baudelaire: The law. Look it up.

[Olaf is about to enter the store, leaving the kids in the car]

Count Olaf: [to Violet] Soda.

Count Olaf: [to Klaus] Soda.

Count Olaf: [to Sunny] Banana.

Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] Bite me.

Count Olaf: Got it.

[Leaves and locks the doors]

Uncle Monty: Now, the children will be helping us extensively with the research in Peru. Do you have any experience with children?

Count Olaf: [in disguise as Stephano] Children are strange and foreign to me. I never really was one. I do know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.

[on Stephano, after realizing that he had been caught in a lie]

Count Olaf: Damnit. This was such a good character.

Count Olaf: ...And I realized I have been a bit standoffish, Shall we say. Which in this case is a big, big word meaning...

Violet Baudelaire: [interrupting] Pure evil.

Count Olaf: [to the room of his troupe of actors] Let us go back to the time when dinosaurs ruled the earth!

[raises arms like a T-rex and screeches, walking around like a pidgeon]

Klaus Baudelaire: [watches, bemused, as Count Olaf heads into the hall, still doing his dinosaur impersonation]

Count Olaf: [screeches, then sees Klaus] ... What are you staring at?

Count Olaf: All that I ask is that you do each and every little thing that pops into my head, while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.

Count Olaf: Why aren't you orphans in the kitchen preparing dinner?

Violet Baudelaire: Dinner?

Count Olaf: It's the French word for the evening meal.

Count Olaf: Looks like you could use a little assistance.

Klaus Baudelaire: You're gonna need assistance when we get back to town! Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone what happened!

Count Olaf: [sarcastically] And then I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and bravery and nobility will prevail at last, and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony, and everybody will be singing and dancing and giggling like the littlest elf! A happy ending! Is that what you had mind?

Count Olaf: This... is a little piece I like to call, "The Electric Chair".

[Sits in a chair. Everybody stares at him, while nothing happens]

Count Olaf: [Country/Redneck accent] I think ya' might have t' turn it up!

Count Olaf: [Regular accent] Is anybody

[Pretending to be electrified]

Count Olaf: OUT THERE?*!

Aunt Josephine: The children are going to serve puttanesca.

Count Olaf: [gasps] The very meal I ate before they took me leg!

Count Olaf: [through closed front door, after bell rings] In-trude!

[Olaf parks the car on a grade crossing outside the Last Chance General Store and goes in]

Count Olaf: Hello, I'm going on a perfectly innocent ride in the country with my kids... whom I love.

[looks at the clock]

Count Olaf: Is that clock correct?

Lemony Snicket: [narrating] I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. For instance: Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all; but by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were as thick as thieves - a phrase which here means "fetching and biting for hours on end". In the case of Count Olaf, however...

Count Olaf: Orphans!

Lemony Snicket: [narrating] ... they were correct.

Count Olaf: I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted!

[Olaf tosses the children into their room after they fail to prepare a roast beef dinner and threaten to call Mr. Poe]

Count Olaf: I'm very disappointed in you children.

Count Olaf: [pretending to cry] Take them Mr. Poe, before I lose it big time.

[pretending to save Klaus from drowning]

Count Olaf: I saved him! I saved the boy from the leeches! Back to the depths, you fingery devils! You will not devour this boy's head today!

Count Olaf: [about Klaus] He's just a boy barely out of his Osh Kosh B'Gosh.

Count Olaf: Hello, I'm looking for Dr. Montgomery Montgomery. My name is Stephano, I am an Italian man.

[Jim Carrey sings a sea shanty as Captain Sham towards the end of the end credits]

Count Olaf: Oh, the Captain loved the ladies / But he dragged himself a wife / Now he's wishin' he was fishin' / But he's on the hook for life.

Count Olaf: Well, I guess he shouldn't 've oughta / But he drowned her in the water / And then a flounder downed her / That's why they never found her.

Count Olaf: [handing off Sunny] Hot potato!

Count Olaf: [disguised as Sailor Sham, a peg-legged sailor] Sure, I get the good parking spots, but who could love a man with one leg and a face like a hen's arse?

Uncle Monty: I was wondering if you wouldn't mind milking Petunia for me?

Count Olaf: Petunia? Well- uh- yeah. Sure. I'll take a shot at that.

[Grabbing for snake with stick, unsure]

Count Olaf: You know, they used to call me Old McDonald up at the milking lab. I used to milk these things all day long.

[lifting snake]

Count Olaf: But the little udders- they're hard to locate.

[about the orphans who would love to take the Baudelaires' place]

Count Olaf: But I don't care about them. I chose to open my heart to you two lovely children and your hideous primate.

Count Olaf: You just stay where you're at and we'll come where you're to!

Mr. Poe: If something happened to the Baudelaires, you wouldn't get the Baudelaire fortune.

Count Olaf: Say what?

Mr. Poe: Unless, of course, the exception of blood relatives and married couples.

Count Olaf: Really?

[thinks for a moment]

Count Olaf: Mr. Poe... Have I told you about our new play?

Count Olaf: Look it up, bookworm!

Count Olaf: You know, there's a big world out there filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across an ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow that is cast by my accomplishments.

Count Olaf: [as Stephano] Perhaps you should reevaluate your hypothesis.

[Violet tries peering down the dark hallway from her door]

Count Olaf: [as Stephano] Do you have a hall pass?

[Violet moves back from the door]

Count Olaf: Didn't think so.

Count Olaf: [Coaching the Person of Intermediate Gender] The answer "Liza" within you.

Count Olaf: [speaking to his Acting Troupe] Now, who shall play the most handsome count in all the world?

[strikes an awkward pose]

Hook-Handed Henchman: Would you do it, sir?

Count Olaf: Oh, all right!

Count Olaf: [to the crowd] This certificate says that I have the fortune now! And there's nothing you can do about it!

[aside to Violet]

Count Olaf: What do you think? Too diabolical? Give me some feedback!

Aunt Josephine: Haven't.

Count Olaf: What?

Aunt Josephine: You said hadn't. That's bad grammar. You should have said, "You haven't been a trustworthy person."

Count Olaf: Thank you... for correcting me.

Klaus Baudelaire: [yelling to Mr.Poe from Olaf's boat] Mr. Poe we're...

Count Olaf: [to Klaus] Drowning.

[dunks Kalus into the lake and pulls him out]

Count Olaf: I've saved him! I've saved the boy from the leeches! Back to the depths, you fingery devils! You will not devour this boy's head today!

Count Olaf: [from his boat to the Baudelaires and Aunt Josephine] Hello, hello, hello. I missed you guys. Looks like you could use a little assistance.

Klaus Baudelaire: You're gonna need assistance when we baack to town! Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone what happened!

Count Olaf: [in a fast sarcastic tone] Then I'll be arrested and sent to jail, and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and bravery and nobility will prevail at last and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony and everyone will be singing and dancing and giggling like the Littles Elf. Happy ending. Is that what you had in mind?

Count Olaf: Hello, hello, hello.

[after Count Olaf's plan to legally marry Violet during "The Marvelous Marriage" is revealed]

Mr. Poe: You unspeakable cad! Arrest him!

The Detective: For what?

Mr. Poe: For being a greedy monster!

Count Olaf: Oh... I'm the monster? *I'm* the monster?

[grins evilly]

Count Olaf: *You're* the monster. These children tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen. No one ever listens to children! You think you're innocent? You're accomplices! This certificate says that I have the fortune now! And there's nothing you can do about it!

[Count Olaf has revealed he has Sunny hanging in a cage next to the tower]

Violet Baudelaire: How could you? She's an infant!

Count Olaf: Oh, Violet. Violet, Violet, Violet. Violet. You're 14 years old. You should know by now that you can't have everything you want. You want a life of happiness? A roof over your head? A place to call your own and all that jazz? And what about what I want? I want that enormous fortune and for all investigations against me to cease. You're going to help me get what I want... tonight.

Count Olaf: [as Mr. Poe and those attending the play get out of their seats and converge on him] Now, now! Let's keep our heads here! If you do anything to me, you'll just sink to my level. Not to mention setting a terrible example for the children.

[Count Olaf gasps as he is then handcuffed by the Detective]

Judge: Guilty!

Lemony Snicket: [narrating as the scene cuts back to Count Olaf as the crowd closes in on him] I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf was captured for crimes too numerous to mention and before serving his life sentence, it was the judge's decree that Olaf be made to suffer every hardship that he forced upon the children.

Count Olaf: [upon throwing the anchor on the broken part of the house] Yes.

[the broken part of the house falls into the lake. Then cuts to Count Olaf in a boat trying to fend off the Lachrymose Leeches]

Count Olaf: Get out.

[Some Lachrymose Leeches get onto him]

Count Olaf: Oh no!

[Cuts to a train coming towards Count Olaf who is trapped in the car on the grading as he screams]

Lemony Snicket: [narrating as Klaus and Sunny look towards Violet on the stage] The Baudelaires have triumphed. A word hear means unmasking a cruel and talentless arsonist and solving the mystery of the Baudelaire Fire.

[cuts to the Baudelaires leaving Count Olaf's house]

Lemony Snicket: If only justice were as kind. Count Olaf vanished after a jury of his peers overturned his sentence. As for the Baudelaires, what laid ahead of them was unclear. But one thing they knew as they climbed once again into the back of Mr. Poe's car, they were moving on.

Uncle Monty: My chief assistant, Gustav, took sick and phoned not one hour ago.

Count Olaf: [as Stephano] He'd do anything to be here now.

[cut to Gustav chained to the front of a speeding train and screaming]

Count Olaf: [as Captain Sham] I's the boy who runs the boat down near the pier there!

Aunt Josephine: Oh... what happened to Captain Sam?

Count Olaf: Uhhhh... he's me third cousin on me father's side. He's afeared of that big gale comin' in. Said he started to get that sinkin' feelin'.

[cut to Captain Sam being thrown into the water, chained to an anchor]

Count Olaf: ...Sure he'll turn up sooner or later.

Count Olaf: [as Stefano] They used to call me Old MacDonald up at the old Milking Lab there, because I'd milk these things all day long. But the little udders... they're hard to locate...

Count Olaf: Hello, hello, hello! I am your beloved Count Olaf!

Sunny: Gulp.

Violet Baudelaire: He's Count Olaf and he tried to kill us with a train!

The Detective: Where is this man gonna get a train?

Count Olaf: [as Stephano] Where am I gonna get a train?