Lemony Snicket Quotes in A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)

Klaus Baudelaire: Do you think anything will ever feel like home again?

[Violet ties up her hair]

Lemony Snicket: [narrating] Sanctuary... is a word which here means a small, safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea.

[first lines]

Lemony Snicket: [the Littlest Elf has just come to an abrupt halt] I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you will be watching. The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre number two. However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organizations, then stay, as I retrace each and every one of the Baudelaire children's woeful steps. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sad duty to document this tale.

[last lines]

Lemony Snicket: Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.

Lemony Snicket: [narrating] If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels; and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.

Lemony Snicket: [narrating] This is the story of the three Baudelaire children. Violet loved to invent; her brother, Klaus, loved to read; and their sister, Sunny... she loved to bite. My name is Lemony Snicket and it is my duty to tell you their tale. No one knows the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire, but just like that, the Baudelaire children became the Baudelaire orphans.

Lemony Snicket: [narrating] I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. For instance: Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all; but by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were as thick as thieves - a phrase which here means "fetching and biting for hours on end". In the case of Count Olaf, however...

Count Olaf: Orphans!

Lemony Snicket: [narrating] ... they were correct.

[after telling the children how Ike died]

Aunt Josephine: Oh, God, I hate it here.

Violet Baudelaire: Well, Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought of, maybe, moving someplace else? Maybe, if you moved away from Lake Lachrymose, you might feel better.

Aunt Josephine: Oh, I could never, never, never, never sell this house.

[pause]

Aunt Josephine: I'm terrified of realtors.

Lemony Snicket: There are two kinds of fears. Rational and irrational. Being afraid of realtors is an irrational fear.

[in a flashback]

Realtor: [shows her card to a tentative Josephine] Is this a bad time?

Aunt Josephine: [screams at the top of her lungs]

[in the present]

Klaus Baudelaire: [to Violet] We gotta get her out of the house.

Lemony Snicket: This would be an excellent time to walk out of the theater, living room, or airplane where this film is being shown.

Lemony Snicket: [narrating] In a world of abandoned items and discarded materials, Violet knew there was always something. Something she could fashion into nearly any device, for nearly every occasion.

Lemony Snicket: [after Aunt Josephine has told the children that she is afraid of realtors] There is two kinds of fear. Rational and irrational. Being afraid of realtors is irrational.

Lemony Snicket: [narrating] Sanctuary is a word which here means a small safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea. The Baudelaires enjoyed their evening in the sanctuary they helped build together, but in their hearts they knew that the troubling world lay just outside. A world, which I'm sad to say, can be described in two dismal words.

Judge: Custody granted.

Count Olaf: [as Mr. Poe and those attending the play get out of their seats and converge on him] Now, now! Let's keep our heads here! If you do anything to me, you'll just sink to my level. Not to mention setting a terrible example for the children.

[Count Olaf gasps as he is then handcuffed by the Detective]

Judge: Guilty!

Lemony Snicket: [narrating as the scene cuts back to Count Olaf as the crowd closes in on him] I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf was captured for crimes too numerous to mention and before serving his life sentence, it was the judge's decree that Olaf be made to suffer every hardship that he forced upon the children.

Count Olaf: [upon throwing the anchor on the broken part of the house] Yes.

[the broken part of the house falls into the lake. Then cuts to Count Olaf in a boat trying to fend off the Lachrymose Leeches]

Count Olaf: Get out.

[Some Lachrymose Leeches get onto him]

Count Olaf: Oh no!

[Cuts to a train coming towards Count Olaf who is trapped in the car on the grading as he screams]

Lemony Snicket: [narrating as Klaus and Sunny look towards Violet on the stage] The Baudelaires have triumphed. A word hear means unmasking a cruel and talentless arsonist and solving the mystery of the Baudelaire Fire.

[cuts to the Baudelaires leaving Count Olaf's house]

Lemony Snicket: If only justice were as kind. Count Olaf vanished after a jury of his peers overturned his sentence. As for the Baudelaires, what laid ahead of them was unclear. But one thing they knew as they climbed once again into the back of Mr. Poe's car, they were moving on.