Uncle Monty Quotes in A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)

Uncle Monty: Now, the children will be helping us extensively with the research in Peru. Do you have any experience with children?

Count Olaf: [in disguise as Stephano] Children are strange and foreign to me. I never really was one. I do know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.

Uncle Monty: We can have time for chit-chat later. What I need now is the work of a reader, an inventor, and a biter.

Sunny: [in baby talk] My teeth are at your service, sir.

Uncle Monty: I was wondering if you wouldn't mind milking Petunia for me?

Count Olaf: Petunia? Well- uh- yeah. Sure. I'll take a shot at that.

[Grabbing for snake with stick, unsure]

Count Olaf: You know, they used to call me Old McDonald up at the milking lab. I used to milk these things all day long.

[lifting snake]

Count Olaf: But the little udders- they're hard to locate.

Klaus Baudelaire: That's the Two-Headed Cobra!

Uncle Monty: Well spotted!

Violet Baudelaire: Is that a he or a she?

Uncle Monty: I have no idea! I didn't think it polite to ask.

Uncle Monty: My chief assistant, Gustav, took sick and phoned not one hour ago.

Count Olaf: [as Stephano] He'd do anything to be here now.

[cut to Gustav chained to the front of a speeding train and screaming]

[Withnail and Marwood are lying in bed together, listening to a man coming inside the cottage. Withnail is cowering under the covers]

Withnail: [whispering] He's going into your room. It's you he wants. Offer him yourself.

[the bedroom door slowly opens and the intruder enters with a torch]

Withnail: [screwing his eyes shut in terror, moaning] We mean no harm!

Uncle Monty: Oh, my boys, my boys, forgive me.

Marwood: [relieved] Monty! Monty, Monty!

Withnail: MONTY, YOU TERRIBLE CUNT!

Uncle Monty: Forgive me, it was inconsiderate of me not to have telegrammed.

Withnail: WHAT ARE YOU DOING PROWLING AROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT?

Uncle Monty: I adore you. Tell him if you must, I no longer care. I mean to have you even if it must be burglary.

Uncle Monty: The older order changeth, yielding place to new. God fulfils himself in many ways. And soon, I suppose, I shall be swept away by some vulgar little tumour. Oh, my boys, my boys, we're at the end of an age. We live in a land of weather forecasts and breakfasts that set in. Shat on by Tories, shovelled up by Labour. And here we are, we three, perhaps the last island of beauty in the world.

Uncle Monty: Indeed, I remember my first agent. Raymond Duck. This dreadful little Israelite. Four floors up on the Charing Cross road and never a job at the top of them.

[Monty's cat jumps onto the sofa]

Uncle Monty: Get that damned little swine out of here!

[he lunges at it and it runs off]

Uncle Monty: It's trying to get itself in with you, it's trying for even more advantage! It's obsessed with its gut, it's like a bloody rugby ball now! It will die, it will die!

Withnail: Monty, Monty...

Uncle Monty: No, no, no, dear boy, you must leave, you must leave. Yet again that oaf has destroyed my day!

Marwood: Where is he?

Withnail: Sulking up the hill. He says he won't come in for lunch without an apology.

Marwood: Suits me, he can eat his fucking radish.

Uncle Monty: [suddenly appearing at Marwood's shoulder] It's all your fault. You lead him astray.

Marwood: I beg your pardon, Monty?

Uncle Monty: Oh, don't tell me you're not aware of it, I know what you're up to and so do you.

Withnail: [offering him a glass] Sherry?

Uncle Monty: Sherry? Oh dear, no, no, no, I'd be sucked into his trap. One of us has got to stay on guard. He's so mauve, we don't know what he's planning.

Uncle Monty: I'm preparing myself to forgive you.

Uncle Monty: Laisse-moi, respirer, longtemps, longtemps, l'odeur de tes cheveux. Oh, Baudelaire. Brings back such memories of Oxford. Oh, Oxford...

Marwood: [voiceover] Followed by yet another anecdote about his sensitive crimes in a punt with a chap called Norman who had red hair and a book of poetry stained with the butter drips from crumpets.

Uncle Monty: You shouldn't treat each other so badly. This boy's been out there frozen to the marrow and you just sit in here drinking. Now, come along, he's going to revitalise himself and you're going to finish the vegetables.

Withnail: I don't know how to do them.

Uncle Monty: Well, of course you don't, you are incapable of indulging in anything but pleasure, am I not right? You don't deserve such loyalty. Now, come along, I'm going to teach you how to peel a potato.

Uncle Monty: I had to come. I tried not to. Oh, how I tried not to.

Marwood: Listen Monty, there's something I have to explain to you.

Uncle Monty: You needn't explain, he's told me everything. He told me that first day you came to Chelsea.

Marwood: What's he told you?

Uncle Monty: He told me about your arrest in the Tottenham Court Road. He told me about your problems. How you feel. Your desires.

Marwood: Problems, what problems?

Uncle Monty: You are a toilet trader.