Melvin Quotes in Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (2017)

Melvin: Oh, Professor Poopypants, George and Harold are trying to stop you!

Melvin: Understand this, okay? I absolutely, positively cannot be the only person falling head over heels in love in this relationship. It's got to be mutual.

Cisco: Why don't you just dump the bitch?

Melvin: The truth?

Cisco: Yeah, I want the truth.

Crunch: You can't handle the truth!

Cisco: (to Crunch) Shut the fuck up!

Melvin: The truth is, I can't handle the idea of her not liking me. I can't handle the idea of ANYBODY not liking me.

Cisco: Hey Melvin, the hundred or so people you've killed in the last five years, more than likely have families that don't think too highly of you. (Laughs)

Melvin: I can't stand the thought of anyone not liking me, okay! There, I said it! The thought of either one of them

[his fiancee' and his girlfriend]

Melvin: not liking me is more than I can stand, okay!

Bartender: I got a call here for a Mister Doo? I got a call for Mister Doo.

Melvin: [Stands up] Uh, Melvin Doo?

Bartender: Nah. Scooby.

Melvin: I ain't never gonna hit my kids.

Melvin: You know who came up with Daylight Savings Time, don't you? Hitler. And you know who supports it now? Doctors. And you know why? Golf. They want more time to golf. That's what it's all about. You can't change time. Time changes you.

Mental Patient: I'm the Creatrist of the universe, but temporarily I'm a Nid.

Melvin: So you're God, basically.

Mental Patient: No - look, God is like a venture capitalist in this equation, okay? The whole thing was my idea and it was basically my business plan, and his money. So I went ahead, I came up with the whole thing, I put it all together, and now he wants me out.

Melvin: So it's like a hostile take over.

Sarah: Do you realize that everything that you're saying is what they say the Antichrist would say?

Joey: You're kidding.

Sarah: No, it's true. They say the Antichrist will be a very rational person who will convince people not to believe in God but to believe in themselves, science, and rational thought.

Melvin: Oh, you're totally the Antichrist.

Melvin: My parents were never uptight about the Jewish thing (... ) On Christmas Eve, I ate ham and pineapple with her and her Catholic family. And I was like, "My ancestors are turning in their grave." Meanwhile, my parents are like, "How'd they cook the ham?"

Melvin: You know what your problem is, baby boy? You got shit all twisted. You got an Oedipus complex. You want your mamma to be your woman, but this is my woman. *My* woman!

Sweet Pea: Want me to take him out?

Jody: Nah. Let the nigga breathe. He make my momma unhappy, we will make his ass bleed. On the real. Make him feel the steel. Long as she happy, he got his life. Won't be no strife. And I hope his ass hear me, too.

Melvin: I hear you. You know the problem with you little niggas? You think you know everything about the world, but you don't know shit.

Melvin: That's what it's all about. Guns and butter, baby! You little dumb motherfuckers.

Melvin: Remember that new gold I was talking about in my pocket? It's your shit, bitch!

Judy: They want me to marry Harry Flack!

Melvin: Judy, you can't! I - I love you, Judy!

Judy: Shh...Melvin...

Melvin: You're not gonna do it, are you?

Judy: Well, you see...

Melvin: Because if you do it, I'll be very frank about this, Judy. If you do it, I'll kill myself!

Judy: Melvin! Stop it!

Melvin: I mean it! Judy, you know how I feel! I'd do anything for you! I'd rob a bank, I'd take a rocket to the moon, anything! Just ask me!

Judy: Put me on the cover! My picture, on the cover of the magazine!

Melvin: Judy, I said I'd kill myself or take a rocket to the moon, but don't ask the impossible!

Melvin: [Extending his hand] Oh, I'm Melvin Hoover, "Look"

Mr. Schneider: Look at what?

Mergo: You got a cover idea? What is it?

Melvin: A girl!

Mergo: Oh joy! Now THERE is an earth-shaking notion! A girl on the cover of a magazine! They'll go mad, I tell you, mad!

Melvin: But this girl's different!

Mergo: What's she got, three eyes?

[Picks up and drinks from a beaker]

Melvin: Oh no, no you see...

[yelling]

Melvin: Mr. Mergo that's hypo!

Mergo: [Gasps] That's what I call a lousy drink.

Mergo: What are you grinning about?

Melvin: Oh, nothing, just happy.

Mergo: Well, don't let me catch you being happy around me!

Judy: Harry Flack is coming to dinner Monday night.

Melvin: Oh. Well, that's simple. Poison him.

Judy: He wants to talk to Pop! He's going to propose!

Melvin: Propose! To your father?

Mr. Schneider: Have some food!

Melvin: No thanks, not on an empty stomach.