Driver Quotes in Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (2017)

Captain Underpants: [after getting almost hit by a car] Ha ha

Driver: Out of the road, bozo!

Captain Underpants: Why thank you, vehicle person!

Driver: [happens to pull up just before the shooting starts] You guys order an Uber?

Warden: Is there any questions you would like to ask?

Driver: Where's the exit?

Cop: I created my own hell.

Driver: And I am the demon who crawled up out of it.

[a gunshot is heard]

Evangelist: [from trailer] Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?

Driver: I can't.

[a gunshot is heard]

Baphomet's Son: Hello? Hello?

Driver: Your father's sorry.

Baphomet's Son: Who is this? Is he okay? Did something happen?

Driver: Yeah. Something happened.

[hangs up]

Driver: [from trailer] God can't save you from me!

Baphomet's Son: How do you have my dad's phone?

Driver: He asked me to call you.

Baphomet's Son: Are you the one who killed him?

Driver: Yes.

Baphomet's Son: I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna kill you.

Driver: You do what you need to do. But you better be sure, cause that's a long, dark road you're headed down.

Driver: The price just went down.

Roy Grone: Kenny? Kenny. This here is my Samoan friend, Ultimate Fighting champion over in Guam. You don't know half the sick shit they do over there just to win a title.

Kenny: [Stands before Driver and looks at the tattoos in his arm] l know what that is. l know who you are.

Roy Grone: Who is he?

Kenny: Brother, l ain't got no beef with you.

Roy Grone: Do what l pay you to do. What are you doing?

Kenny: [Runs away in panic] This dude's a ghost. l can't mess with no ghost.

[an old man walks up to the wagon, and Maverick tries to help him up]

Driver: No, no. I'm the driver.

Maverick: Oh. Are you all right?

Driver: Why does everybody always ask me that?

Driver: You don't wanna to kill Javi. You need to kill Javi. Before he kills you.

Driver: Is this a prison, or the world's shittiest mall?

Driver: [about Embassy Guy] "The ugly American". I thought it was me until he showed up.

Driver: [to surgeon at gunpoint] Put it back.

[first lines]

Clown: I need a doctor!

Driver: I'll get you a vet, you son of a bitch! You should'a shot him first!

Bill: [over radio] We've got two clowns heading south on Wall 51, four miles from the border.

Driver: And stop bleeding on my money!

Bill: [over radio] All units be advised, suspects are armed and dangerous.

Driver: [Clown vomiting blood] What the fuck?

Driver: [narration] Well, hello boys and girls. there's nothing worse than a sad clown. Unless it's a clown bleeding internally and coughing it all over your money.

Driver: I need to spring someone out of prison here.

Embassy Guy: Oh yeah? What's his name, 1.7 mil?

[last lines]

Driver: [narration] Well, boys and girls. To the untrained eye it looks as if crime pays, doesn't it? But bear in mind, for guys with my particular set of karmic could-be's, there was bound to be a bump or two down the road. Ah, what the hell. I'm going to enjoy what's left of the summer...

Molly Stewart/Angel: How much do you want to spend?

Driver: About twenty bucks.

Molly Stewart/Angel: [laughs] You have a good night.

Driver: Hey! All's I wanted to do was borrow it, not buy it!

Slim: Don't slow down.

Driver: The light's red.

Alex: [reaches out the door and shoots out the red light]

Driver: Are you okay, officer?

Fake Cop: [shoots him] Don't call me officer, asshole.

[last lines]

Driver: Well, sir, going home!

T.E. Lawrence: Mm?

[realizes that he has been addressed]

Driver: Home, sir!

[an army lorry passes. It carries Tommies singing a music hall ditty of the period: "Goodbye Dolly, I must leave you... "]

Driver: [Ferdie parks his car disasterously] That man should have his license taken away.

Chuck: I'll see that he does as soon as he gets one.

Driver: Where ya headed?

Joe Mosely: Idaho... maybe Alaska.

[Gerstein sees truckloads of corpses being dumped into a ditch in the forest he is driven by]

Driver: The crematoriums are overworked.

[Ted drives John's car out of the car rental lot, nearly hitting another car in front of him]

Driver: Asshole!

Ted: That's my bad, I was sending a Tweet.

[a truck drives by and the driver hits Malkovich's head with a can]

Driver: Hey Malkovich, think fast!

Driver: What's your problem, Schmuck!

Fletcher: I'm an inconsiderate prick!

Driver: Zeke! Zeke the Freak! This man is a legend with the ladies!

Mya: I can only imagine.

Driver: Oh baby, you don't have to imagine. We got this on video!

Zeke: She don't want to see that.

Driver: Zeke the Freak is back in town!

Zeke: I don't know that dude.

[Kyle runs into back of a guy's car and a crowd gathers]

Driver: Didn't you see the stop sign?

Kyle Davidson: That's my song!

Driver: Well, that's my car!

Kyle Davidson: That's my song playing on the radio!

Driver: You wrote that song?

Kyle Davidson: Yeah!

Bystander: You're a better songwriter than you are a driver.

Kyle Davidson: That's my song!

Bystander: That song's all right.

Kyle Davidson: Kinda makes ya wanna pat your foot, doesn't it?

Bystander: You shoulda patted the brake one time.

Kyle Davidson: That's my song!

Bystander: You got two hits in one day!

Driver: If there's no room at the Hotel Genius, I'll take a room at the Hotel Imbecile.

[Their van is being towed]

Jack: Stop! Who dares to tow the van of the living Christ?

Driver: The city of New York, Tarzan! $50 for the violation, $75 for the tow and $20 a day for storage.

Jack: [Skyward] Father, forgive us for we have sinned! We parked our car in a forbidden zone!

[first lines]

Dealer in Car: Yo fellas, what's up?

Driver: Same old same old.

Dealer in Car: I got meatballs, I got ready rocks, I got gumballs. Shit, I even got gas starter kits.

Shooter: Jumbos, two-twentys.

Dealer in Car: Two-twentys'll be 40.

Shooter: [flashing bills] You break this?

Dealer in Car: I ain't no cash machine.

[first lines]

Driver: Ma'am, I have to get back to Boston.

[first lines]

Driver: [on phone] There's a hundred-thousand streets in this city. You don't need to know the route. You give me a time and a place, I give you a five minute window. Anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours. No matter what. Anything happens a minute either side of that and you're on your own. Do you understand?

[pause]

Driver: Good. And you won't be able to reach me on this phone again.

Driver: [on the phone with Irene] Can I talk to you? I won't keep you long. I have to go somewhere and I don't think I can come back. But I just wanted you to know. Getting to be around you and Benicio was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Driver: [watching a cartoon] Is he a bad guy?

Benicio: Yeah.

Driver: How can you tell?

Benicio: Because he's a shark.

Driver: There's no good sharks?

Bearded Redneck: You're Shannon's buddy right? We met last year. You drove me and my brother back from Palm Springs. We hired another wheelman. I spent six months in jail. My brother, he got himself killed. I got this sweet job coming up.

Driver: How 'bout this. You shut your mouth. Or I'll kick your teeth down your throat and I'll shut it for you.

Bearded Redneck: Nice seein' you again.

Driver: If I drive for you, you get your money. You tell me where we start, where we're going, where we're going afterwards. I give you five minutes when we get there. Anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours. No matter what. Anything a minute on either side of that and you're on your own. I don't sit in while you're running it down. I don't carry a gun. I drive.

Cook: You look like you're hard to work with.

Shannon: Kid, I want you to meet Mr. Bernie Rose!

Bernie Rose: Nice to meet you.

[Bernie sticks out his hand to shake; Driver does not take it]

Driver: My hands are a little dirty.

Bernie Rose: So are mine.

Driver: [to Bernie] You know the story about the scorpion and the frog? Your friend Nino didn't make it across the river.

Driver: [to Benicio] Hey, you want a toothpick?

[after slapping Blanche and holding her down]

Driver: Now, you just got a little boy's father killed. And you almost got us killed. And now you're lying to me. So how about this? From now on, every word out of your mouth is the truth. Or I'm going to hurt you.

Driver: I don't have wheels on my car.

Irene: [laughing] Okay.

Driver: It's one thing you should know about me.

Irene: [as music blares from her apartment] Sorry about the noise.

Driver: I was going to call the cops.

Irene: I wish you would.

Driver: [to Irene] Hey, do you want to see something?

Driver: What is it you got there? Can I see?

[Benicio hands Driver a bullet]

Driver: One of those men gave you that?

Benicio: They told me not to lose it.

Driver: You want me to keep that for you?

Irene: What do you do?

Driver: I drive.

Irene: Like a limo driver?

Driver: No, like, for movies.

Irene: Oh. You mean all the car chases and stuff?

Driver: Yeah.

Irene: Isn't that dangerous?

Driver: It's only part-time. Mostly I work at a garage.

Nino: What do you get out of it?

Driver: Just that. Out of it.

Shannon: You two know each other?

Driver: [smiling while walking by] Don't.

Shannon: [excited] Oh, look at that!

Irene: We're neighbors.

Shannon: Neighbors? Very good. Well, we'll try to be neighborly too.

[repeated line]

Driver: Do you understand?

[playing a staring contest]

Driver: You blinked.

Benicio: What?

Driver: I'll see you in five minutes.

Standard: I'll see you in four.

[last lines]

Bernie Rose: Where's the money now?

Driver: It's in the car.

Bernie Rose: Come on.

Bernie Rose: Did Shannon ever tell you how we met?

Driver: No.

Bernie Rose: I used to produce movies. In the 80s. Kind of like action films. Sexy stuff. One critic called them European. I thought they were shit. Anyway, he arranged all the cars for me. Did all the stunts. I liked him. I liked having him around. Even though he overcharged the shit out of me. His next business venture, he got involved with some of Nino's friends. They didn't go for the overcharging bit. They broke his pelvis. He's never had a lot of luck. The reason I'm telling you this is that he has a lot invested in you. And so do I. So anything you need, you call me. We're a team now.

[laughs]

Bernie Rose: I'm excited!

[yelling across the garage]

Bernie Rose: Nino, let's get the fuck out of here!

Driver: You get out of here and you never fucking come back. You never come back.

Shannon: What are you going to do?

Irene: [referring to a photo] That's Benicio's father

Driver: Where is he?

Irene: He's in prison.

Driver: Oh.

[first lines]

Driver: Uh, oh.

Passenger: What is it?

Passenger: [seeing the car behind them] What do they want?

Driver: I don't know... just pass me... pass me...

Driver: [trying to identify the following car] Is it a cop?

Passenger: I can't see.

[they are hit from behind]

Driver: What the fuck are these jokers playin' at?

Rear passenger: Oh, they ain't playin', you better believe it.

[they are hit again]

Passenger: What're we gonna do?

Driver: I don't know... OK, hold on, you guys.

[he veers to a side road]

Passenger: There's a truck, too.

[the car behind them turns on its roof light]

Driver: Shit, it *is* a cop.

Passenger: Better stop.

Driver: OK, sit tight, you guys. Don't say anything; let me talk... All right? We'll be all right; just relax.

[last lines]

Barack Obama (on TV): [on TV delivering his election victory speech] ... to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth that out of many, we are one.

Driver: You hear that line? Line's for you.

Jackie Cogan: Don't make me laugh. We're one people. It's a myth created by Thomas Jefferson.

Driver: Oh, now you're gonna have a go at Jefferson, huh?

Jackie Cogan: My friend, Jefferson's an American saint because he wrote the words, "All men are created equal." Words he clearly didn't believe, since he allowed his own children to live in slavery. He was a rich wine snob who was sick of paying taxes to the Brits. So yeah, he wrote some lovely words and aroused the rabble, and they went out and died for those words, while he sat back and drank his wine and fucked his slave girl. This guy wants to tell me we're living in a community. Don't make me laugh. I'm living in America, and in America, you're on your own. America's not a country. It's just a business. Now fucking pay me.

Jackie Cogan: You ever kill anyone?

Driver: No.

Jackie Cogan: It can get touchy-feely.

Driver: Touchy-feely?

Jackie Cogan: Emotional, not fun, a lot of fuss. They cry. They plead. They beg. They piss themselves. They call for their mothers. It gets embarrassing.

Jackie Cogan: I like to kill them softly, from a distance. Not close enough for feelings. Don't like feelings. Don't want to think about them.

Jackie Cogan: Now, aside from The Squirrel, we got the kids. Two kids. One of them's the motor-mouth; drove to Florida with Kenny, Kenny Gill. Our Kenny, the guy he knows works for Dillon. Starts bragging about how he's a big-time operator that just knocked over this guy's game for 100K.

Driver: [chuckles] You serious?

Jackie Cogan: I don't know what it is with these guys; they can't keep their mouths shut about nothin'. And Kenny - Kenny's just as dumb. The way I found out was, this guy's investing his money in a couple ounces of smack. Once Kenny comes in with him, Kenny comes to me and wants to know what I think about that.

Jackie Cogan: I guess these guys, they just want to go to jail. Probably feel at home there.

Driver: They told me when they heard that if Dillon wasn't available that I was supposed to talk to the fella he sent. Is that you?

Jackie Cogan: I don't see nobody else who might be here to meet you. Do you?

Driver: He's got a broken jaw. Got broken ribs, he got a broken nose, three or four broken teeth. There's some question about his spleen, he said. He was in the hospital when I talked to him. He's out now, I understand. Must be his spleen's okay then. You know, he's not happy, though.

Jackie Cogan: I'm sorry to hear that. We aim to please.

Jackie Cogan: What's he gonna do, fold under questioning? If he does, they'll kill him. If he doesn't, they'll figure he's lying like last time and they'll kill him. Either way, Markie's dead. So why put the poor bastard through a beating? It's a waste of time - not to mention a really unpleasant experience for Markie. Just put him out of his misery, poor bastard.

Jackie Cogan: What's the problem?

Driver: It's murder and they are squeamish.

Jackie Cogan: Oh, for fuck's sake.

Anthony Keane, Counsel for the Defense: Is anyone living at the hall now?

Driver: Only the caretaker, Mrs. Clarr - maybe Andre's back from London now. They say he knows more about the poor Colonel's death than he would tell. He's a queer one, all right.

Anthony Keane, Counsel for the Defense: In what way?

Driver: Oh, I don't know. He keeps himself to himself - perhaps that's because he's foreign. They never do seem quite the same, do they, sir?

Archibald Featherstone: I'll stay here and reconnoiter.

Driver: Don't get hurt doin' it.

Archibald Featherstone: You go and fetch the bobbies.

Driver: Yeah, I'll get the police too!

Driver: Girls watch out for the weirdos.

Nancy: We are the weirdos, mister.

Driver: Are there still borders? More than ever! Every street has its borderline. Between each plot, there's a strip of no-man's-land disguised as a hedge or a ditch. Whoever dares, will fall into booby traps or be hit by laser rays. The trout are really torpedoes. Every home owner, or even every tenant nails his name plate on the door, like a coat of arms and studies the morning paper as if he were a world leader. Germany has crumbled into as many small states as there are individuals. And these small states are mobile. Everyone carries his own state with him, and demands a toll when another wants to enter. A fly caught in amber, or a leather bottle. So much for the border. But one can only enter each state with a password. The German soul of today can only be conquered and governed by one who arrives at each small state with the password. Fortunately, no one is currently in a position to do this. So... everyone migrates, and waves his one-man-state flag in all earthly directions. Their children already shake their rattles and drag their filth around them in circles.

Driver: Are you alright?

Jess: Who are you?

Driver: I'm just a driver... No point trying to save the boy, there's nothing anyone can do to bring him back. So... Can I give you a ride?

Jess: Yes. Take me to the harbor.

Driver: [wakes Jess up] Hey. I'll leave the meter running. You will come back, won't you?

Jess: Yes. I promise.

Driver: [pointing a gun at Sac] Step away from the meat.

Driver: I envy you.

Emma: You must be out of your mind.

Driver: I'm very much in my mind.

Driver: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything.

Betty: A man who lacks emotions is sorry.

Driver: I don't lack emotion. I just process it differently.

Betty: Must everything about you be different? I like normal.

Driver: I would change if I could, but I can't. I just can't.

Driver: Who am I?

Hoag: I don't know. A serial killer?

Driver: A serial killer? Sweet Jesus, no. Serial killers deal in singularities. I'm a numbers guy.

Amber: Why are you doing this?

Driver: It keeps me fit.

Amber: But I didn't do anything wrong.

Driver: Then I guess you're just unlucky.

Driver: Any last words?

Hoag: Pity.

Driver: Concise. Not terribly clever, but the clarity of the intention - crystal clear. However, no.