Harlan Quotes in Eight Legged Freaks (2002)


Harlan Quotes:

  • Harlan: [broadcasting over the radio] Now people, "the phones are down" and I know they're gonna tell you that it's a "technical error"!

  • Deputy Pete: They're not aliens, they're spiders mutated by contaminated waste!

    Harlan: That's probably a more logical explanation!

  • Mike: Take these, you'll need them.

    Chris McCormick: Perfume?

    Mike: Well, spiders have a highly developed sense of smell. The perfume might confuse them.

    Harlan: Great, if we die, we die smelling nice.

  • Harlan: There's no way you're telling me that thing back there is from Earth!

    Chris McCormick: All right! They're spiders from Mars! You happy?

    Harlan: No.

  • Harlan: That's the one who busted up my trailer!

    Chris McCormick: Shh!

    Harlan: I bet you he's their leader!

  • Chris McCormick: I got a signal!

    Harlan: That's great. Now, how about dialing!

  • [last lines]

    Harlan: And that, my friends, is the story of how aliens attacked our sleepy little town. And to this day, people refuse to believe the truth about what happened. They would lead you to believe that I would embellish this story, that I would make it up, but we know the truth. Oh yeah, uh, two, two things I forgot to tell you. One, they never did get that probe near me. And two, as far as Chris McCormick reopening the gold mines and putting everyone back to work... Well that, my friends, is another story altogether.

  • Harlan: Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't following me.

  • Chris McCormick: Harlan, get up here!

    Harlan: I'm afraid of heights.

    Chris McCormick: Heights? Are you afraid of spiders?

  • Harlan: Oswald's gun... man, this is the weirdest day of my life!

  • [first lines]

    Harlan: Do you know fear?

  • Deputy Pete: [surrounded by spiders] Hey, you know what? Let's just go back inside. Let's go back inside.

    Harlan: [tries door] Locked.

    Deputy Pete: That's okay.

    Harlan: Plan B?

    Deputy Pete: Um... Right. Tell you what, we're just gonna... We're gonna run away.

    Harlan: Yeah?

    Deputy Pete: Yeah.

    Harlan: Okay.

  • Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [kissing a man outside the Zanzibar after the show] Like me?

    [he kisses her]

    Lynn Halsey-Taylor: Want me?

    Harlan: Let's go.

    Lynn Halsey-Taylor: Harlan... I've got a friend. It's OK though. He won't mind. He might just want to come along.

    Harlan: [thinking for a moment] Let's go.

    [Lynn stops when she sees Philo standing in the shadows]

    Harlan: Is this your...

    Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [cutting him off] No.

    Harlan: You want to talk to him?

    Philo Beddoe: [to Harlan] The lady and I have a little business. I expect you'll be excusing us.

    Harlan: Maybe you ought to excuse yourself.

    Lynn Halsey-Taylor: It's OK, Harlan. I'll just be a minute.

    Harlan: Are you sure?

    Lynn Halsey-Taylor: Yes.

    [Harlan walks off]

    Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [to Philo, coldly] It's your own goddamn fault. Who asked you to follow me?

    Philo Beddoe: [stunned] I just thought...

    Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [interrupting] You thought? If you'd thought, you would've taken some very broad hints! I've been trying to get rid of you practically ever since the first night we met!

    Philo Beddoe: What about Taos?

    Lynn Halsey-Taylor: What about it?

    [in disgust]

    Lynn Halsey-Taylor: I need it just like anybody else.

    Philo Beddoe: You do this all the time?

    Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [sardonically] Yeah, I do this all the time! And you and me had our time! So how come you don't know when to disappear?

    Philo Beddoe: [she turns to leave... Philo grabs her arm] Come here.

    Lynn Halsey-Taylor: Take your hands off me!

    Schyler: [stepping from shadows] Lynn? Is everything all right?

    Lynn Halsey-Taylor: Schuyler, this is the one from L.A... the one who's been following me. The big dumb one I told you about.

    Philo Beddoe: Schuyler with the shotgun?

    Lynn Halsey-Taylor: That was MY idea. I was hoping he'd scare you away.

  • Harry Washello: Hey! Hey, do you know anybody who can fly a...

    Harlan: [shouts] Fuck you!

  • Mike: That Thor Arthur thing meant something to you, I know it did. Is that the code for it?

    Landa: It's possible.

    Harlan: How the hell would you know, lady?

    Landa: Because I used to date a guy who worked at the RAND Corporation. I've been trying to reach a few of our friends who could tell me if the unthinkable is being thought about in D.C. At this very moment, 4 out of 5 of them are in transit to the extreme Southern Hemisphere. I find that more than just very curious.

    Mike: So what do we do?

    Landa: We have less than 46 minutes until we'll know, and then everyone will. I'd like a head start. The streets will be jammed. I'm ready to make a commitment to getting to the airport as fast as possible, flying out from there.

  • Latello: My old man says, "Treat broads like dirt and they love ya."

    Harlan: Oh, yeah? So where's your old lady?

    Latello: My parents are divorced.

  • Crystal: Michael, I want to be worshipped, serenaded like a goddess.

    Harlan: Oh come on, bullshit.

    Crystal: That is exactly what my Cosmo Romantiscope told me you'd say Michael.

    [she walks away leaving him with the magazine]

    Harlan: [puzzled] Ro- Romantiscope?

  • Harlan: Caps to the dynamite, dynamite to the legs, got it?

    Ellie Sawyer: Caps to the dynamite, dynamite to the legs, got it.

    Harlan: Latello?

    Latello: Caps to the legs, legs to the dynamite.

    Harlan: Come on!

    Latello: Hey, good thing I watch TV, huh?

  • Louise: [as Harlan is starting to rape Thelma, Louise puts a gun to the back of his head] You let her go, you fuckin' asshole, or I'm gonna splatter your ugly face all over this nice car!

    Harlan: [letting Thelma go, as Louise presses the gun harder into his neck] All right, hey, hey, hey, just calm down. We were just having a little fun, that's all.

    Louise: Looks like you got a real fucked-up idea of fun.

    [the two women back away several steps]

    Louise: Turn around. In the future, when a woman's crying like that, she isn't having any fun!

    Harlan: [the women turn and walk away] Bitch! I shoulda gone ahead and fucked her!

    Louise: What did you say?

    Harlan: I said suck my cock.

    Louise: [Louise shoots him]

    Thelma: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

    Louise: Get the car.

    Thelma: Oh, Jesus Christ. Louise, you shot him. Oh, my God.

    Louise: Get the car.

    Louise: [looking down at Harlan, in a soft but angry voice] You watch your mouth, buddy!

  • Harlan: Last week there were so many turkeys you could spit and be able to feed fifty.

  • Harlan: You're a dangerous girl, aren't you?

    Rachel: It depends on what you define as dangerous.

    Harlan: Safer to get thrown from a horse.

    Rachel: But you don't have to brush me or feed me after riding me.

  • Harlan: You have to go with me to talk to June. I want to tell her in person.

    Rachel: Tell her what?

    Harlan: That we have to get married.

    Rachel: What?

    Harlan: It's the only way God will forgive us!

    Rachel: Oh my God, Harlan, I gave you a blow job!

    Harlan: [suddenly embarrassed] Um, thank you for breakfast, Miss Georgia. Rachel, I'll see you in the truck.

    Rachel: [to her grandmother, exasperated] No good deed goes unpunished!

  • Rachel: Surprise. Saddling up your truck?

    Harlan: Now I had it figured that you'd done away with Simon, buried his body and taken off for the city with his cash and car.

    Rachel: And leave you alive?

  • Harlan: Just how disturbed are you?

    Rachel: I prefer "unique."

  • Harlan: I guess the minister is coming to baptize father so he won't have to go to hell.

    Whitney: He can't be baptized in a house. You gotta have water.

    Harlan: We have lots of water.

    Whitney: Not the right kind!

  • Harlan: How the fuck do you stay up here? I mean, these people... I go in the store this morning for cigarettes, they got ducks under the counter. What, do they plant these people or do they just grow out of the ground? And they look at me like, hell, I don't know.

    Bridget Gregory: Well, you know, they're not used to seeing guys like you around here, if you know what I mean.


    Bridget Gregory: Is it true what they say?

    Harlan: What?

    Bridget Gregory: You know, size?

    Harlan: Is it true what they say about white women?

    Bridget Gregory: What's that?

    Harlan: No ass.

    Bridget Gregory: Oh, come on. I was wondering for real. Let me see it.

    Harlan: Fuck you. Drive.

    Bridget Gregory: I'm sorry.

    Harlan: About what?

    Bridget Gregory: About your shortcoming.

    Harlan: I'm not gonna play this game.

    Bridget Gregory: Is that why you carry a big gun?

    Harlan: The Freudian mind-fuck isn't gonna work either.

    Bridget Gregory: Ooh, touchy. I'm sure your woman is very understanding.

    Harlan: Exactly how is it that we end this phase of our relationship?

    Bridget Gregory: By you showing it to me. Come on, let me see it. I've never seen one before.


    Bridget Gregory: I'll show you my ass.

    Harlan: What makes you think I wanna see your bony ass?

    Bridget Gregory: Show me.

    Harlan: Show me.

    Bridget Gregory: I'm driving. You go first.

    Harlan: No, you go first.


    Harlan: You'll shut the fuck up if I show you?

    Bridget Gregory: I'm sure I'll be too stunned to speak.

    Harlan: I don't believe this. You're crazy. Shit.

    [he exposes himself]

    Harlan: Okay, there, you happy?

  • Harlan: Liars is all you gonna run across in this world. A mans gotta learn the difference between just plain liars, and liars, worth lovin.

  • Harlan: I've tried living down in the valley again, really tried this time. Walked up and down it looking for one open face, but most people I've meet hardly seem like human beings to me anymore.

  • Max Renn: Have you been hallucinating lately?

    Harlan: No. Should I be?

    Max Renn: Yes, you should be.

  • Harlan: I don't work with you for the money.

    Max Renn: I know that. 'Cause piracy's never just for the money, is it?

  • Harlan: North America's getting soft, patrón, and the rest of the world is getting tough. Very, very tough. We're entering savage new times, and we're giong to have to be pure and direct and strong, if we're going to survive them. Now, you and this cesspool you call a television station and your people who wallow around in it, your viewers who watch you do it, they're rotting us away from the inside. We intend to stop that rot.

  • Harlan: I'm converting to a Catholic.

    Lillian: And I'm converting to a blonde.

  • Harlan: Nobody puts their ugly lips around my bottle of milk and gets away with it.

  • Harlan: See how I'm back at work?

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Characters on Eight Legged Freaks (2002)