Wade Quotes in Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

Wade: What exactly is that?

Deputy Pete: A spider, man!

Max: What the hell am I looking at here, Wade?

Wade: Clay and his unit.

Max: "Clay and his unit?" That sounds like a porno, Wade.

Wade: You had them killed four months ago.

Max: I've done a lot in four months, Wade. I'm a very busy man.

Max: I'm saving the country, Wade - doing something for the benefit of the United States of America.

Wade: I was born in Quebec.

Max: Okay... then we're saving *North* America.

Max: What do you know about deep-space tachyons?

Wade: Nothing.

Max: Base-particle string theory?

Wade: Nothing.

Max: Singularity events?

Wade: Not a ton.

Max: I think we should move on, then.

Max: Okay, so five dead men hijacked you, Wade. Did you happen to find out who's behind them?

Wade: Not the CIA, NSA, Special Ops...

Max: Yeah, I'm aware it's not us.

Roarke: I thought you were a nice guy.

Wade: I am a nice guy. Just a different kind of nice guy.

Wade: I'm in charge now. I could bury you and Roarke tonight. I could do anything I want with you.

Gail: Then go ahead. Don't keep telling me how tough you are, Wade, just show me.

Wade: I want to thank you, Tom. You saved my life.

Tom: Uh - don't worry about it.

Wade: You didn't have to hit me, though.

Tom: ...Yes I did.

Wade: We never had nicknames where I came from. Certainly not "White Water." White trash, maybe.

Gail: You listen to me you little idiot. I'm not bullshitting you about the gauntlet. It's big. It's bigger than anything you've seen. And tomorrow, Wade, you're going to drown in it. And the rest of us are going to be hauled under with the raft. So I'm not going to pretend that I give a shit about you and your stupid friend and your pathetic small time nothing life! But I've got everything I care about in this world in this boat, and I've got my baby girl waiting at the other end, and I know I cannot do this. I cannot row this big water man, that's the truth. I cannot do it!

Wade: You're an amazing woman.

Mr. Dial: Nobody steals a whale.

Wade: But I'm telling you the whale is gone, the trailer is out of there, the forklift has been moved. That big mouth trainer and Indian must've done it.

Mr. Dial: This is a disaster.

Wade: Why?

Mr. Dial: Because we don't have theft insurance on the whale, that's why.

[looks at his watch]

Mr. Dial: Call Wilson, bring his crew down.

Wade: You told me! You swore to all of us that we were not going to harm the dinosaur! We were only supposed to take film and study it!

Thrust: You ding-dong!

Wade: [breaking up Melanie and Jake's kiss in the rain] What the hell are you two tryin' to do... get yourselves killed?

Melanie Carmichael: What seems to be the trouble, officer?

Wade: I'm here to bring you in, young lady!

Jake: What did she do this time?

Wade: Well, the way I hear it... seems she run out on a perfectly good cake!

Jake: Anybody think of anything in here that, uh, might bother Bobby Ray?

Wade: Uh, Clinton's breath.

Jake: You still the same Bobby Ray from last night?

Bobby Ray: Last time I checked, yeah.

Jake: [puts arm on shoulder] Well, then, let me buy you a drink.

Bobby Ray: Well, you're really not my type, I mean...

[laughter]

Wade: The law is the law and she has done nothing wrong.

Jake: I supposed shoplifting steaks from Winn Dixie's okay?

Melanie Carmichael: Oh, Oh! I took 'em back and you know it!

Jake: What about that incident of vandalism in the stockyard... totally her!

Melanie Carmichael: Like I could tip a cow... by myself!

Jake: Wade, isn't there some outstanding for whoever drove your mama's tractor into the fishing pond?

Melanie Carmichael: [horrified realizing what he meant] OH!

Drillbit Taylor: So what'd you do to provoke him?

Wade: Well he's fat, he's a dork, and I'm awesome.

Drillbit Taylor: I'm Drillbit Taylor... US Army ranger, black-ops operative, decorated marksman, improvised weapons expert.

Wade: Are you still in the military?

Drillbit Taylor: I was discharged - unauthorized heroism.

Wade: Nap time, motherfuckers.

Clint: ...you parked so close, I-I couldn't get out of my...

Wade: My truck's got a dual reeow weeow.

Clint: I'm sorry?

Wade: Dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual weeow, dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual real wheel. Dual. Real. Reow reow. Got a dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual weeow, dual weeow.

Clint: I don't understand

Wade: It's got two extra wheels on the back part of it.

Clint: You know what? You carry on with your symphony of death. I'll sneak around the school where there aren't any kids.

Wade: Oh, you'll sneak around, huh? Sneak around like a little Hobbit. No way! I'm taking the fight to them like a fuckin' Orc!

Lucy: Uh, Wade? Have you met Clint?

Wade: I have not.

[Shaking Clint's hand]

Wade: Pleased to meet you with meat to please you.

Doug: I'm going in!

Wade: Doug, don't! Eh, I don't care.

Wade: All right, ladies, here's the plan. We get down on that ledge, jump to the ground, hightail it like linebackers to our cars, boom.

Clint: I thought you tried to outrun them. You said they were too fast for you.

Wade: Yeah, but that was before I had a weapon.

Clint: A violin?

Wade: Not just a violin. It's an instrument of death. I propose we create a symphony of death. Everyone grab an instrument. Here. You take this

[hands Clint a tambourine]

Wade: .

Clint: Oh, yeah, that'll be real effective.

Wade: I'm offering leadership. What are you offering, besides throwing hot pots of coffee at people, or writing a stupid book no one wants to read about some guy who wants to fuck a boat?

Clint: It's not about a guy who wants to fuck a boat. It's a book about obsession and possession...

Wade: He wants to fuck the boat, and you know it.

Clint: Listen...

Wade: Listen, little Stevie King...

Clint: There's an invention called a cell phone that your stupid school confiscated. We need to get to the principal's office, grab our phones and call someone who can help quarantine these kids.

Wade: We're in a total lockdown in case you haven't noticed. We have been breached and there are little cootie kids right out there in the hallway who willingly will fucking rip your face off with their little teeth...

Clint: Well, shit...

Wade: With their little baby teeth, their big teeth haven't even come in yet.

Clint: You know what, you carry on with your symphony of death. I'll sneak around the school where there aren't any kids.

Wade: Oh, you sneak around, huh? Sneak around like a little hobbit. No way, I'm taking the fight to them like a fucking orc. And that is the difference between you and me. I don't wanna scurry. I don't wanna scurry around the hallway like a common squirrel.

Wade: What's the matter with you? Ain't you gonna talk to me? Did it go all right?

Sueleen Gay: Oh, Wade.

Wade: What?

Sueleen Gay: I had to do me a striptease tonight in front of all those men... in order to get to sing at the Parthenon with Barbara Jean.

Wade: Oh, shit, Sueleen, I... That's dreadful! That's terrible, girl! I mean... I don't know how to tell you this, but I been meanin' to... you can't sing. You may as well face the fact you cannot sing. You ain't never gon' be no star. I wish you'd give it up. They gon' kill ya. They gon' tear your heart out if you keep on. They gon' walk on your soul, girl.

Sueleen Gay: What are you talkin' about?

Wade: You can't sing. Do you understand that?

Sueleen Gay: Yeah? You wanna make a bet? You wanna come to the Parthenon and watch me sing with Barbara Jean?

Wade: I am leavin' for Detroit Wednesday.

Sueleen Gay: You just come and watch, Wade.

Wade: I'm leavin' for Detroit, and if you wanna go you just come on. They gonna kill you in this town.

Sueleen Gay: Well, you come and see.

Wade: They gon' use you. You know that.

Sueleen Gay: Bye, Wade.

[Leaves]

Wade: Dumb bitch. I don't know why I stick around. She just makes me so goddamn mad I could spit.

Camel: Come on. I gotcha some work.

Jacob: With animals?

Camel: Oh, you betcha...

Jacob: [now shoveling in a train car with flies buzzing] I've never seen so much manure.

Wade: They pack 'em in 27 a car.

Wade: Perceptual cent... Can't believe you actually STUDY in college.

Wade: You're just mad... 'cause tonight you suckas got served!

Richie: Do you know how many lakes are probably called Crystal Lake? It's like Crystal Geyser, Crystal Water. Go to a supermarket. Every single bottled water is named "Crystal" something.

Wade: Aquafina.

Richie: Hey, do you know how much money we're gonna make selling this weed?

Wade: We're gonna make a lot of fucking money.

Richie: Yeah, okay? So, listen to me: relax.

Wade: I am relaxed. You wanna know why?

Richie: Why?

Wade: 'Cause I'm gonna be fuckin' rich. You know what rich people do?

Richie: What?

Wade: They relax.

Richie: How's that beer treating you, beer snob?

Mike: Better than my own piss.

Wade: You can drink that, by the way. Yours, hers, hers, mine, yours. I swear to God, piss is sterile.

Amanda: For the record, you will never drink my piss.

Wade: That's what you think.

Richie: [after hearing about Jason, to Wade] I get it, though, dude. You do what you gotta do to survive, you know? If we were all out here starving to death and you were... and you were dead, I'd eat your leg.

Amanda: That's really sweet.

Richie: Thank you.

Wade: Why would you eat my leg, man? I can teach you how to fish; just go fishing.

Richie: I don't eat fish.

Amanda: That's not what you told me.

[they laugh]

Wade: [to Richie before he has sex with Amanda] May the force be with your schwartz.

Carly Jones: [Carly hears a noise outside the tent] Wade, wake up. Wade! I heard something.

Wade: Yeah, it's probably the serial killers or something.

Nick Jones: Bye, Wade.

Wade: Asshole.

[Carly sees a human face in the window that moves away]

Wade: [after she jumps] What?

Carly Jones: I just saw somebody!

Wade: It was probably a wax thing.

Carly Jones: No, no, it wasn't a wax thing, it was moving and it was freaky looking!

Carly Jones: This Vincent guy is quite the artist.

Wade: Yeah. I think this Vincent guy needs therapy.

Wade: [to a dog he thinks is made of wax] What up, dog?

Wade: [runs a lighter along one of Vincent's waxed miniature statues and talking in a silly voice] Oh no, there's a fire! Help me, Carly! My skirt's gonna catch on fire, my legs are all hot, you're my hero!

Carly Jones: [stopping him] That's not cool.

Wade: I just don't get what his beef is with me.

Carly Jones: Nick has beef with everyone.

Wade: [sniffing something foul in the air] Something's dead out there.

Blake: [sniffing also] Nuh uh. Something's dead right here.

Wade: [notices how well Nick throws the football to Blake] Nice arm... I can see why they gave you a scholarship.

Nick Jones: [holds up hand] Yeah, it's a real tragedy, ain't it?

Wade: Yeah... it is.

[seeing all the fan belts]

Wade: He has everything but a 15 inch fan belt. Where is he anyway? He said he'd be 30 minutes, its been almost 45.

[sighs]

Wade: I guess I'll have to make do with a 16.

[grabs it]

Bo: [from behind] You plan on stealing that?

Wade: [startled] No, I ah - I left money by the cash register.

[indeed he did as a $20 bill lies there]

Blake: [to the stranger in the truck] Yo, man. You need something?

Carly Jones: What does he want?

Wade: Hey, can you turn off your lights, please?

[no response]

Paige Edwards: Okay, this is getting kinda creepy.

Blake: Hey, come on, man, get out of here! Nothing to see here, let's go!

Wade: Can we help you?

Carly Jones: Maybe we're on his property?

Wade: Nah, we didn't pass the gate.

Blake: Hey man, turn your lights off! Hello? Turn your lights off! No, I'm serious. Turn your lights off or I'll whip this on your ass!

Wade: Hey, hey, it's cool, man.

[Nick throws a bottle and smashes one of the headlights]

Carly Jones: NICK!

[pause]

Carly Jones: Oh, my...

Dalton Chapman: [yelling at the man in the truck] WHAT?

[Wade starts up his car. It rumbles badly for a second and then cuts out]

Wade: [looking under hood] What the hell?

[sees broken fan belt]

Wade: I just bought this fan belt. It's brand new.

[throwing it on the ground]

Wade: Someone has got to be fucking with me!

Carly Jones: [approaching the door to the wax museum] Doesn't 'closed' mean 'I don't want you in here?'

Wade: Relax. No one'll care

Carly Jones: What if's someone's here?

Wade: [calling out] Hello? Anyone in here?

[after silence]

Wade: See? Fine. Look how cool this is. Everything in here is wax, the floors, the walls, look at this!

[gestures to a large ornament]

Wade: This is wax

Carly Jones: [sarcastic] Yeah, cool, awesome.

Wade: Who are these people supposed to be? Aren't there supposed to be famous people in a wax museum? I don't recognize this guy.

[scraping a piece of the House of Wax off with his knife]

Wade: It is wax, like... literally.

Wade: I'm sorry, we just needed a fan belt.

Bo: A fanbelt? You walk in on a funeral for a fucking fanbelt?

[Wade is waiting to approach Kelly]

Brady: Hey, Wade, why don't you go ahead and make your move?

Wade: Don't rush me, Brady. Timing's got to be primo.

Brady: Yeah, well, money talks and bullshit walks. You know what I mean?

Ricky: Between me and you, I've always wondered what all the fuss is about. What makes him so crazy about you?

Wade: Well, between me and you, I've always wondered what the fuss was about you. How come nobody ever turns you down? Not even Arturo.

Ricky: Yeah?

Wade: Yeah.

[they kiss]

Noah: So we release them, and then?

Brandon: They fly away?

Wade: This time of year, wouldn't they just freeze to death?

Ricky: The perfect metaphor for the joys of marriage.

Brandon: But what about the whole top-bottom thing? Isn't that kind of limiting? Kind of like a parody of heterosexual relationships?

Wade: What do you mean?

Brandon: Because, like I'm versatile, right? So, do you ever want Mr. Nicholson to fuck you?

Wade: Who says he doesn't already?

Brandon: Are you sure you're going to be okay, Mr. Robinson?

Wade: Yeah, I'm okay. Sorry guys, I didn't think I had that much to drink.

Eddie: It's not a real bachelor party unless someone blows chunks.

Noah: I'm sorry.

Wade: I'm sorry too. You know nothing happened, just a drunken kiss.

Noah: Same with Baby Gat... minus the kiss.

Wade: When I first saw you, it wasn't love at first sight. You were intriguing, fascinating, remarkable, but you were a man. When I first started to feel things for you, I didn't know what those things were, because you were a man. When I first told you I loved you, trembling inside, so full of fear that I could hardly breathe, I could see the hesitation in your eyes. I could feel your fear. And when... words are just words,

[crumples up notes]

Wade: and talk is cheap. I asked you to marry me, because marriage is a deed. I asked you to marry me here in my family's home, to prove to you that I have no shame. To place our names together, in front of the whole world, so that the whole world can bend for us and for our love. And in front of your friends, who I will learn to love, because you love them, and because they love you. All this I did for you, and all this I'll do for us. I'll be courageous, forbearing. I'll be loving, I'll be kind, I will take all that trembles inside you, and place it safely in the palm of my hand. Forever.