Larry Quotes in Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

Larry: Dude, did you piss your pants?

Bret: Come on, we got to go! We got to get out of here! They're coming!

Randy: Looks like the only thing going is you, dude!

[Wondering what Sheriff Sam Parker is wearing under her pants]

Larry: What do you think? G-String, or underpants?

Randy: I'd say under...

[discussing interrogation techniques]

Larry: How did they finally get to you?

Sam: They gave me a grasshopper.

Larry: What's a grasshopper?

Sam: Lessee, two parts gin, one part brandy, one part Creme de Menthe...

Larry: I tried to be an actor when I was young. I wasn't a good actor, but now after seeing you at least I can die knowing I wasn't the worst one.

The Postman: How much did you pay to get in, Larry? So bite me!

Farren: Bob, this is Larry.

Larry: Pleased to meet you, sir.

Bob Ho: Let's get some food.

Farren: He goes to the university.

Ian: He's a poet. Isn't it cool?

Bob Ho: It's rad. It's awesome. It's jiggy for shizzy. It's bomb.

[on Everette's interrogation suit]

Larry: You look like a retarded Chewbacca.

Larry: [seeing Bill and Everette sleeping together] What in the name of Siegfried and Roy are you fellas doing?

Bill Little: Don't ask.

Everette: Don't tell.

Larry: [when Everette wakes up wearing a dress] Everette, that's another reason you shouldn't drink tequilla.

Everette: [sees the dress] Damn, this always happens when I eat the worm.

Larry: I'm too fat for this shit.

Larry: You know what the army says, "Be all you can be."

Bill Little: Hey! He got it right!

Karen: It's not your baby.

Larry: I don't understand.

Woman at Cowboy Frank's: It means she's got a bun in her oven that ain't your recipe. Now, is the salad bar still free though?

Larry: Why would you care? Doesn't look like you've had a salad all your life.

[from trailer]

Larry: [seeing Bill and Everette sleeping together] What in the name of Siegfried and Roy are you fellas doing?

Bill Little: Don't ask

Everette: Don't tell

Larry: We are in the most dangerous city in the world, except maybe for Detroit.

Larry: A couple days ago I had more problems than a cub scout at the Neverland Ranch.

Bill Little: Forget it, I've got a wife and kids to think about.

Larry: And if Connie and the boys were living in a place like this, would you leave them?

Larry: Man, look at the size of that son of a bitch. He would of ripped you a...

Sgt. Kilgore: Get me loose! I hate Sonny and Cher.

Eagle: Listen, WALDO isn't exactly human. WALDO is a multinational corporation, working the ass-end of the nuclear cycle. Professor Heinrich and I once conjected the possibility of a high-level nuclear excursion, thats a link! Now, last night, he reversed charged a call from here, and he was cut-off before I could get the details, but it was quite obvious that he was in BIG TROUBLE!

Larry: Do me a favor mate, I've got enough trouble of my own!

Eagle: [Points outside to plane flying over] Thats trouble laddy! And whether you like it or not, we are all aboard!

Larry: Settle down? This guy comes burstin in here in the middle of the night from the middle of nowhere lookin like a... a front row ford spat out of a grand final scrum - and he won't tell us the score - and you tell me to settle down...

Larry: You're right, Berna! We'll get out of this damned country! I'll get the money for the tickets somehow!

Larry: [Seeing Locasto enter Berna's room] What right has this man here?

Jack Locasto: [to Berna] Tell him... and tell him so he'll understand!

Larry: Gee, but you're beautiful!

Larry: Better hot-foot back to Dawson and get our claims recorded... pronto!

Larry: Berna! Berna darling... won't you speak to me? No matter how much you hate me... I'll be at your feet all the rest of my life!

Larry: I don't care what has happened, dear! I love you, Berna... I'll be proud of you.

Berna: Too late! Too late! Everything's too late!

Easter Island Head: Hey! Dum-dum!

Larry: Yes?

Easter Island Head: You give me gum-gum!

Larry: I give you gum-gum?

Easter Island Head: You new Dum-dum. You give me gum-gum.

Larry: Gee, okay, you know what? I have no gum-gum. Sorry. And my name isn't Dum-dum. My name's Larry.

Easter Island Head: No, your name Dum-dum.

[People screaming]

Easter Island Head: Oh, you in trouble, Dum-dum. You better run-run. From Attila the Hun-hun.

[Larry runs as Attila and his gang are chasing him]

Easter Island Head: See you later, Dum-dum!

Jedediah: No problemo, Gigantor.

Larry: Um, my name's Larry, first of all okay, Jed? See, I call you Jed, I don't call you tiny, right?

Jedediah: What's that supposed to mean?

Larry: Hey teeny, how does that sound?

Jedediah: I... I don't like it. It hurts my feelings.

Larry: Okay, well Gigantor makes me feel like some sort of freak.

Octavius: I don't. I just call you Larry.

Larry: Don't be a kiss-ass.

Larry: [looks up at Dexter] Hey, Dex, so, look. No hard feelings, all right?

Teddy Roosevelt: [Dexter slaps Larry in the forehead and Larry raises his clipboard to hit him] Lawrence!

Larry: You saw - you saw what he did just then...

Teddy Roosevelt: [interupting him] Who's evolved?

Larry: I am.

Teddy Roosevelt: Who's evolved?

Larry: I am!

Gus: Instructions; you start with 1... 2... 3...

Larry: 4?

Gus: Are you crackin' wise? I oughta punch you in the nose, Hopscotch.

Larry: [to the monkey, Dexter] Oh, hey, Dexter. I'm just locking up. Do you want in?

[Dexter walks in and climbs up to his tree]

Larry: [Dexter smiles from the tree, holding a set of baby toy keys] I don't think so. Looks like Uncle Larry pulled a fast one on little Dexy.

[locks up the entrance to the Hall of African Mammals]

Larry: Those are baby keys for a little baby. So have fun playing with your little baby keys, little baby monkey. Maybe tomorrow, I'll bring you a little baby "diapie" so you can go poo-poo in it. Then, I'll change it for you. Then I'll tickle you 'cause you're a cute little baby. Will you cry all night about how Uncle Larry fooled you? Told you there was a storm comin'.

Jedediah: Fire up the iron horse, boys.

Larry: Hey, blondie!

Jedediah: Name's Jedadiah.

Larry: Alright, Jedadiah, stop the train, please!

Jedediah: Big no can do, crackerjack.

Larry: What's going on here, huh?

Jedediah: Somebody's got to pay.

Larry: Pay for what?

Jedediah: I don't know, just pay! Now stop whining and just take it like a man!

Larry: Seriously, stop the train!

Jedediah: Alright, stop the train.

Larry: Thank you.

Jedediah: [shouts] Now full speed ahead and ram 'im! Split his head like a watermelon!

Larry: [Train hits Larry in the face] Ooh! Ow...

Jedediah: Oh, for crying out loud!

Larry: I'm trusting you guys, alright? And if you don't do what I say, you'll end up like your little buddies in the Mayan world over there, locked up. Take a look. Do they look happy?

[Shows a display with bars across it]

Jedediah: [Shakes head] No. They look sad.

Larry: All right! Let's do this, people! And... animals! And... weird faceless puppet creatures!

Larry: Moose! Not gonna happen, buddy. Alright? I told you three times. You can't come through this door with those antlers. So you and your caribou buddy gotta go around to the loading dock.

Larry: Listen, Octavus, you gotta stop that!

Octavius: It's "Octavius", Mary.

Larry: [speaking to Civil War diorama figures] Civil war dudes... You guys are brothers, for God's sake... You gotta stop fighting... North wins... Slavery is bad... Sorry... Don't want to burst your bubble but South, you guys get Allman Brothers...

[hesitates]

Larry: ...and... Nascar. So just chill!

Larry: End of the line, cool breeze. End of the line.

Larry: [on his second night at the museum] Morning, dum-dum.

Easter Island Head: Me no dum-dum. You dum-dum. You bring me gum-gum?

Larry: Yes I did, fathead.

[holds up a handful of gum]

Larry: Lots and lots of gum-gum.

Easter Island Head: Mmm!

Jedadiah: I'm gonna shoot you in your dang eye. In your dadgum eye.

[gun clicks empty]

Larry: Yeah. Keep shootin'. Nothing's gonna happen.

Jedadiah: Now you know my shame. Jedediah's impotent rage. His guns don't fire. Take me away.

Mr. McPhee: [fake laughing] Let's all laugh at me, the comedy night guard. No is the answer. Sarcasm back at you, with your humor box. I wasn't laughing. I was pretending to laugh, if that's what you want, some sort of battle of humor. Do you?

Larry: No, I don't want to get into a battle of humor.

Mr. McPhee: No, you don't, because it would be a bloodbath. Nothing funny about Little Big Horn!

Cecil: [while Larry is chasing Cecil] These are money carriers. Larry. They were trained not to stop for anything but a secret word.

Larry: Really? You mean a word like...

Larry: [shouts] Dakota!

Larry: This is not worth $11.50 an hour!

Rebecca: So! What can I tell you about the museum?

Larry: Ok, Attila the Hun: What is that guy's problem?

Jedediah: I told you, I don't like to be manhandled!

Larry: No, I will manhandle you, Jedediah! Now listen, guys, what is your problem, huh? Why can't you just get along?

Jedediah: Look, we're men. We fight, okay? That's what we do!

Octavius: It's kinda how we pass the time.

Sacajawea: [Trying to track Cecil and examining the tire tracks in the snow] He went east, but he lost control and crashed.

Larry: You're amazing! How can you tell that?

Sacajawea: [Points behind them where the van has crashed into the wall behind the dumpster]

Rebecca: And up ahead is one of my favorite creatures in the whole museum: the capuchin monkey, a highly intelligent primate, known for its loving and generous nature.

Larry: Huh!

Rebecca: Excuse me?

Larry: You're an old man, I don't want to fight you.

[Gus punches Larry in the face]

[about Sacajawea]

Larry: Was she deaf? She seems a bit unresponsive.

Rebecca: That's because she's a statue...

Larry: [showing lighter to cavemen] Hey guys. Quest for fire, over.

Larry: [about Teddy Roosevelt] He was our fourth president, right?

Rebecca: Twenty-sixth.

Larry: A little birdie told me somebody likes... magic.

Attila the Hun: Magic?

Larry: Debbie - can I call you Debbie? 'Cause, um, I felt a connection when I entered this office, and I don't know if you did too.

Debbie: I didn't feel a connection.

Erica Daley: Hey, how's it going with that virtual reality driving range you wanted to open?

Larry: Getting there. Still waiting for the technology to catch up with the idea. I mean it's not easy, there are a lot of moving parts.

Larry: I'm not a giant, guys, alright? You guys are really little.

Octavius: We may be small but our hearts are large... metaphorically speaking.

Larry: [Dinosaur throws Larry a bone] Fetch?

Larry: Sir, are you the leader?

Pablo: Jack's the oldest, but Ralph's the colonel.

[group voices votes for Ralph]

Jack Merridew: I guess you just won the election.

Ralph: It doesn't matter who's in charge. We've just got to work together. First, we build a camp.

Jack Merridew: Whats this dumbshit I hear about a monster? We're gonna have to send you back to kindergarten!

Larry: I'm serious.

Jack Merridew: Ok what kind of monster? Did it have fur and poison fangs, or long slimy tentacles?

Larry: It growled and it came out of me and it's mouth, it was wet.

Luke: Maybe it was a bear.

Roger: Sounds more like a reptile.

Jack Merridew: Sounds more like bullshit.

Larry: That's not a house, it's termites holding hands.

Ryan: I told you I'd come to the game.

Samson: You think this is funny? You just endangered everyone in the zoo!

Ryan: I'm sorry.

Samson: For what? Chasing the Gazelles or costing us the game?

Ryan: No, I...

Samson: All you do is sit in your tree and sulk.

Ryan: If you would just...

Samson: I mean, What is it? What's the problem? Is all of this because you can't roar?

[pause]

Samson: Ryan, I didn't mean that.

Ryan: You know what I'm doing when I'm sulking up in my tree? I'm thinking how great it would be if Samson the Wild wasn't my father.

Samson: Huh? Ryan, I... I didn't

Ryan: 'Cause it would make being Ryan the Lame a whole lot easier.

[he starts running away]

Samson: Ryan, I'm sorry. Ryan! Please don't... leave.

Larry: Bye, Ryan! Thanks for coming to the game.

Larry: Oh, oh, I know; he's sulking because he lives in his father's shadow, and he roars like a school girl.

Samson: Thanks, Larry.

Larry: You betcha.

Samson: Do what you did just then - but the opposite!

Larry: But I don't know my opposites!

Jonah: I'm afraid the only thing left is to be thrown into the sea.

Larry: Oh, you don't have to do that! We've got a plank! You can just walk off!

Jonah: Yes, thank you. You're too kind.

Mr. Nezzer: Are you guys still doing that "pirate" thing?

Mr. Lunt: Argh! Watch your tongue, matey! Or we'll... what'll we do?

Larry: Nothing. We're the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.

Mr. Lunt: Oh. Argh! You got off easy today!

Mr. Lunt: Remember that time we did that one thing with that one guy?

Pa Grape: Oh, do I ever.

Larry: I remember it like it was yesterday.

[during the closing credits song, Larry threatens to leave early]

Larry: I'm gonna go home and take a nap!

Pa Grape: Come on, we have contractual obligations to finish the song.

Mr. Lunt: They paid for a full 79 minutes of entertainment, pal! Get back in the booth!

Larry: Wake me up for the prequel!

[Larry leaves]

Pa Grape: Oh, come on! We were just starting to have fun!

[laughs]

Pa Grape: Oh man, I need a tums.

[Pa leaves]

Mr. Lunt: What? What, are we done? You mean that's it? Zim-bom-a-loo-bop-a-lop-bam-bing?... Hey, hey, ho ho ho, Hey hey, ho ho ho, hey hey... If you need me, I'll be on the porch.

City Official, Crazy Jopponian: [the Pirates and Jonah are on trial and the city official addresses the crowd] People of Nineveh! These four men and that small...

[pause]

City Official, Crazy Jopponian: whatever it is!

Khalil: I am a caterpiller! Well that is only half true.

City Official, Crazy Jopponian: ...have been found guilty of high thievery against the royal city of Nineveh. For their punishment:

[shouts]

City Official, Crazy Jopponian: The Slap of No Return!

Larry: [the entire audience of Ninevites are all laughing] What's so funny?

Larry: [looking through telescope] Thar she blows!

Mr. Lunt: Where?

Larry: Right there! Over by the barbecue!

Mr. Lunt: [picks up ping-pong ball] Got it!

Pirate Pa: Bring out the cannon!

Mr. Lunt: We ain't got no ammo!

[Larry spots garden items]

Larry: Oh, yes, we do!

Mr. Lunt: You are a cheating buccaneer!

Larry: How am I supposed to cheat at Go Fish?

[pause]

Mr. Lunt: I don't know.

Pa Grape: What you need is a little compassion.

Larry: And maybe some scampi.

[one of the outtakes, as Dad dodges obstacles while driving]

Dad: Tree!... Cabin!... Larry-Boy!

[the van suddenly runs into a clothes line on which Larry-Boy is hanging]

Larry: Hi, guys! What's up?

Pirate Pa, Larry, Mr. Lunt: ["The Credits Song"] This is the song that runs under the credits. These are the credits, so this is where it goes. Has nothing to do with the movie so we'll say "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!..."

Moe: You can count on us.

Larry: Come what may.

Curly-Joe: Ad infinitum.

Moe: At ease, young man.

Larry: Salutations.

Curly-Joe: Ad infinitum.

Snow White: [to the Stooges] I love you just as you are, all three of you.

Larry: Gee. Only our mother ever said that without laughing in our faces.

Moe: Can we help you, sir?

Prince Charming: Don't you recognize me?

Moe: It can't be... It is, it's Quatro!

Moe, Larry, Curly-Joe: Quatro!

[they hug him]

Moe: But, we heard him say they killed you. You're not a ghost.

Prince Charming: Well, I'm alive. A full of brought back my memory. I'm a king now.

Larry: Leslie is a mindfucker.

Frank Serpico: You gotta be kidding. I didn't know that. What's a mindfucker?

Larry: Well, it's a chick who digs intellectual types and super bright guys.

Frank Serpico: Oh, she's very perceptive.

Larry: Thank the Lord and pass the biscuits, I finally have an actor to dress.

Lesley: What are you doing?

Mike Shiner: I'm waiting on Larry.

Larry: I'm finished.

Mike Shiner: Then I'm just standing with my cock out.

Lesley: Well, get dressed. Riggan's daughter's hanging around, and I don't need her to...

Mike Shiner: Lesley?

Lesley: ...walk in here. No, Mike, you haven't seen her. She's always hanging around, watching everyone, like Little Miss Creepy.

Mike Shiner: Mm-hmm. Les?

Lesley: I don't know if it's the drugs that fried her brain or what, but I just don't want her running to her father saying you showed her your junk.

Mike Shiner: Then we should ask her to leave.

Lesley: [mortified] Oh, god. Really?

[after Phil has driven the truck he has stolen off a cliff to kill both himself and Punxsutawney Phil]

Larry: He... might be okay.

[the truck explodes in a fireball]

Larry: Well, no. Probably not now.

[Waking after a night of reading poetry and only chaste sleep with Rita, Phil jumps out of bed, determined to show himself as a new and likable man. He gives a wad of cash to the Old Man beggar and shows up early for the photo shoot, carrying a tray of coffees just the way that Rita and Larry like them, and with Larry's favorite pastry]

Phil: Who wants coffee? Get it while it's hot!

Rita: [surprised] Oh! Thanks, Phil!

Phil: [Handing Larry a lidded styrofoam container of coffee] Larry? Skim milk, two sugar.

Larry: [Also surprised] Yeah. Thanks, Phil!

Phil: Pastry?

[Phil offers the tray to Rita, who looks enticed, but says:]

Rita: No. We're just setting up.

Phil: Pastry, Larry? Take your pick.

Larry: Well, thanks, Phil. Raspberry, great.

Phil: Say, I was just talking with Buster Green, he's the head groundhog honcho. And he said, if we set up over here

[he points his thumb over his shoulder]

Phil: , we might get a better shot. What do you think?

[Rita is still surprised that Phil Connors is being so thoughtful and helpful]

Rita: Sounds good.

Phil: Larry, what do you think?

[It is obvious that Phil has never asked for Larry's opinion in his life, and Larry grins]

Larry: Yeah. Let's go for it.

Rita: [Pleased] Good work, Phil.

Phil: Maybe we'll get lucky. Let me give you a hand with the heavy stuff.

[Phil takes the backpack and news-camera]

Larry: Uh...

Phil: No, no, you got your coffee.

[They start to walk to the "better" spot]

Phil: We never talk, Larry. Do you have kids?

[Rita stares in astonishment, then slowly follows them]

[to Rita about Phil]

Larry: Did he actually call himself "the talent"?

Rita: Why would anybody steal a groundhog?

Larry: I can probably think of a couple of reasons... pervert.

Larry: [about Phil] He's out of his gourd.

[to Nancy, about being a photojournalist]

Larry: People just don't understand what is involved in this. This is an art-form! You know, I think that most people just think that I hold a camera and point at stuff, but there is a *heck* of a lot more to it than just that.

Phil: For your information, Hairdo, there is a major network interested in me.

Larry: Yeah, that would be the Home Shopping Network.

Phil: [Does a double take at Larry] Wow! Looking *foxy* tonight man! Hey, is your troop gonna be selling cookies again this year?

Larry: [Sarcastically] Oh that's so funny Phil!

[repeated line]

Larry: Prima Donnas.

Phil: Can you keep a secret Larry? I'm probably leaving PBH. So this will be the last time we do the Groundhog festival together.

Larry: I don't understand what's so wrong with the Groundhog festival. You know when I was in San Diego, I had to cover the swallows returning to Capistrano six years in a row.

Phil: Someday someone's gonna' see me interviewing a groundhog and think I don't have a future.

Tommy: You ever shoot a guy in his eyeball?

Larry: I stabbed a guy in his ear once. Ice pick, right in his fucking ear.

Tommy: Yeah see, that'd be a different subject. That'd be ears.

Larry: Are you nervous because we're killing a chick?

Tommy: Yeah, look at me, I'm shaking. I got the chick-killing shakes.

Tommy: Was it Dillinger got shot through the eyeball, or am I thinking of someone else?

Larry: Moe Green got shoot through the eyeball in "the Godfather".

Tommy: Yeah, I'm talking about it real life.

Larry: Oh.

Tommy: Somebody in real life, got shot through the eyeball...

Larry: Who was that?

Tommy: Well... No Larry. Many people in real life have got shot through the eyeball. I'm just saying, I think Dillinger was one of 'em.

Larry: That's really good aim.

Tommy: No it ain't really good aim.

Larry: How is that not really good aim?

Tommy: That's a hundred fucking cops shooting a thousand bullets a minute, one of 'em's bound to go through somebody's fucking eyeball.

Tommy: In Cuba, the torturers used to have a device, two thin metal spikes, placed here, that they adjusted, and slowly, millimeter by millimeter, pricked into the eyeballs.

Larry: You're kidding me. Those Communist motherfuckers.

Tommy: Well, no, Larry. These are the ones those Communist motherfuckers kicked out.

Larry: I just figured out what your problem is. You hate Jews! Which is so odd, because your children are Jewish.

Debbie: Don't play the Jew Card, Larry.

Larry: I'm not playing any Jew Card.

Debbie: Seriously? It's used up.

Larry: You can't use up a Jew Card. That's the whole point of a Jew Card.

Barry: That's right. You can't use it up. It goes forever.

Vince: How can you let them grill me there for six hours?

Larry: I can't control how long they're gonna question you.

Vince: Did you go to law school, Harry?

Larry: Yeah, I went to law school, Vince.

Vince: Did you graduate?

Larry: Hey, I'm a lawyer, of course I graduated.

Pam Byrnes: Geez, Dad. You ever think of knocking?

Jack Byrnes: Not in my own den. What are you two doing in here?

Larry: I'd say rounding 2nd base.

Bob Banks: What is that smell?

Jack Byrnes: That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den so the septic tank overflowed.

Greg Focker: I told you, Jack, it wasn't me. It was Jinx.

Jack Byrnes: Focker, I'm not going to tell you again! Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat for Christ sakes!

Larry: The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.

Greg Focker: This handles like a dream.

Larry: Let's not make it a nightmare.

Jinx: [talking about the lay-off] Your not exactly walking out of here empty handed, You got your pension and I'll give you this months gas money.

Larry: There's only one more thing I want.

Jinx: What?

Larry: Disability!

Jinx: [Jinx goes to window and tries to open it and jump out but is grabbed by Jack]

Jinx: Hey keep that sense of humor buddy, its critical.

[Larry rushes at him and attempts to strangle him]

Larry: [the orphanage's bell falls off the roof and hits a nun on the head below] Uh-oh. Is that Sister Mary-Mengele?

Curly: I don't know, but the face rings a bell.

Moe: Hey, onion-head, go on back to the shed and grab the chainsaw.

Curly: Why doesn't Larry go?

Moe: 'Cause he's got a headache.

Larry: No, I don't.

[Moe bonks Larry on the head with a hammer]

Moe: How about now?

Larry: [holding his head] Yeah, it's coming on.

Murph: Who won the poker game last night?

Moe: Eh, Peezer wiped us out.

Murph: Peezer? But he's 7.

Larry: Yeah but he wears those dark sunglasses, so you can't tell what he's thinking.

Larry: Hey, quit horsing around you two. You're disturbing my coffee break.

Curly: Oh, boy donuts! Where's mine?

Moe: They're small. Why don't you have two?

Curly: Okay.

[Moe sticks donuts in Curly's ears]

Curly: Oh, now look what you did, Moe! You got donut stuck in my ears!

Larry: Hey, look, you're in luck. They got a donut remover right here.

Moe: What's a donut remover?

Larry: It's one of these.

[reads the sign on the bell]

Larry: "Do-nut remove-uh."

Larry: $830,000. First taker gets a three-man working machine. It's all spelled out in this here contract, folks.

Moe: That's right. No job is too small. We'll press your pants, we'll shine your shoes.

Curly: We'll raid your fridge and drink your booze. Nyuk nyuk.

[Moe slaps Curly]

Moe: What's the matter with you? Quit givin' away the fine print.

Larry: Hey, bub, your trousers are falling down. Let me help you.

[Larry yanks up Gangbanger's pants]

Gang Banger: Hey, man, you trying to get yourself capped?

Larry: Oh, no thanks. I don't wear hats. Why would I with a head of hair like this?

Larry: Hey. Who's this lady?

Ling: That's Teddo's wife, Lydia.

Larry: Teddy's wife?

Ling: Yep. Oh, she's one lucky girl.

Larry: Then who's the guy on the end?

Ling: Oh, that's Teddo's best friend, Mac.

Curly: Well, then who's Mr. Fancy-Pants in the top hot and scarf?

Ling: That's a snowman.

Larry: Yeah, but what's his name?

Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?

Mother Superior: Well...

Sister Mary-Mengele: I'll tell you why. Because we don't have any medical insurance.

Larry: Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.

Larry: Hey, little fella, want a peanut? Dolphin's love peanuts, you know. Here you go. Catch.

[Larry tosses peanut to dolphin and it falls into its blow hole, the dolphin chokes]

Curly: Oh, my God! I think he's snufficatin'!

Larry: Don't worry, pal, I know the Heineken maneuver.

Moe: What are you grubworms doing?

Curly: Getting seconds on lobster.

Moe: Seconds? I thought lobster upset your stomach.

Curly: I dipped it in pesto-bismol.

Moe: Oh, you like dipping, eh?

Curly: Yeah.

Moe: Come here.

[Moe dips Curly's head into the water, he pulls him out with a lobster attached to his face]

Larry: Hey, look, it's Santy Claws. Claws!

Moe: What did I tell you about puns?

[Moe stuffs the lobster down Larry's pants]

Curly: Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Fellas, do something!

Larry: [nervously] Moe, Moe!

Moe: What's the matter with y...

[gasps]

Curly: Call 411

[whimpers]

Moe: [to Larry] Quick, help me grab sister M and M before chowderhead crushes her!

[bonks to a water retainer, Curly falls on top of her, Mary-Mengele groans]

Moe: [to Curly] You, help out.

[to Larry]

Moe: You, grab that bucket, splash some water on her.

[metal from the bell hits Mary-Mengele thru the bucket]

Larry: See? I told you there's too much iron in the water.

Moe: Speak to me, sis. Say a few parables!

Sister Mary-Mengele: [dizzy and hallucinating] I saved 15% on my car insurance.

Larry: She seems fine to me.

Moe: Come on, let's go see what Mother Superior wants.

[Sister Mary-Mengele's head hits the water retainer]

Moe: [groans]

Moe: Fellas, it's too high -

[Larry and Curly collide with Moe, nearly pushing him over the rooftop]

Moe: Aaah!

[Larry and Curly catch Moe by the legs and pull him back to the roof]

Moe: Why you lamebrains!

[Moe slaps Larry and Curly across their faces]

Larry: Hey, look, a fire hose! We can lower ourselves down to the ground.

Moe: The kid's right, it's foolproof! Come on.

[the Stooges unwind the fire hose and jump down to the ground below; the hose comes off its reel and the Stooges drop to the ground, landing on Teddy]

Moe, Curly, Larry: Aah-aah!

[the hose's reel hits Moe on the head as Teddy gets back on his feet]

Moe: Ow! Why don't you watch where you're going, bud?

Teddy: I'm sorry, 100 percent my fault. Sometimes I just get lost in my own head and I - Moe? Larry, Curly, is that you?

Moe: Depends who's asking.

Teddy: It's me, Teddo J. Harter.

Moe: Who?

Teddy: Teddy, from the orphanage, Teddy. You remember, Moe, I went home with your parents.

Moe: What're you trying to pull? The Teddy we knew was this tall and he only had one shoe.

Larry: Yeah, and he didn't sound like you.

Teddy: Here- here, look, I got a snapshot of me and the 'rents leaving the orphanage.

[the photo shows Teddy being adopted by his new parents and Moe being taken back by the nuns]

Larry: Hey, it is you.

[Larry looks at Teddy's photo]

Larry: I was wondering, how are Moe's folks doing? They seem like good eggs.

Teddy: Yeah, well Dad's doing great, I work with him at the law firm downtown; but Mother, she passed on several years ago, hunting accident.

Moe, Curly, Larry: Oh, sure, yeah.

Teddy: So, you boys on Facebook? I'll poke you.

[the Stooges recoil at the mention of "poke", being unaware that it's a different kind of "poke"]

Teddy: Better yet, I'll tweet you.

Curly: Oh, tweet us to dinner? Soitanly!

Larry: Mr. Harter! Just the guy I wanted to see.

Mr. Harter: I'll take the case. Please tell me it was Supercuts who did this to you.

Larry: No, it's me, Larry... Moe, Larry, Curly, remember? From the orphanage.

[Curly rhythmically claps his hands and barks]

Mr. Harter: Oh, my... goodness! Well, congratulations, you're still in remission. So... what brings you here?

Curly: Look, I'll cut to the chase, moneybags: we're in a jam. The orphanage needs 830 grand, or it's going belly-up.

Larry: Plus we got a sick kid getting fitted for angel wings.

Mr. Harter: Terrific! So, who do we sue?

Larry: Oh no, there's no one to sue; we need you to give us the money.

Curly: Yeah.

[Curly chuckles]

Larry: But we're not looking for a handout, mind ya. We'll work off every last penny right here in these halls.

Mr. Harter: [sighs] Look, I'm sorry, but, uh... I'm... committed to several other charities, and besides, I don't have that kind of money just laying around. But if you decide to sue the orphanage, I'm in.

Curly: Uh, Mr. H., please, I know what you're thinking: that we're both lazy bums like Moe, but - but we're not. Uh, some of us aren't afraid to get our hands dirty.

Mr. Harter: What? No, I never thought of Moe as lazy.

Larry: It's all right, that slug told us the whole story about why you dropped him back off.

Mr. Harter: Well, I can assure you it had nothing to do with his work ethic; he was ten. No, what - what happened was he wanted us to go back for you two, and frankly, it was... too much for us.

[Larry and Curly look at each other in amazement]

Curly: You mean... he wouldn't go without us?

Mr. Harter: No, he wouldn't. He was very adamant about wanting us to adopt all three of you, and... it was just out of the question, you understand. Anywho, got to skedaddle, late for a meeting. But if you ever do want to sue anyone for anything - a slip in the tub, a bone in the fish - I'm your guy.

Moe: [in Teddy's bedroom] Teddy! Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what's the matter? Come on boy, speak to me.

Teddy: [barely awake] Who are you?

Moe: It's us, it's Moe...

Larry: Larry...

Curly: And Curly.

Teddy: [Teddy is still half-awake] Guys, what are you doing here?

Moe: All right buddy, we got you now.

Moe, Curly, Larry: [Lydia and Mac enter Teddy's bedroom] Nyah-ah-aah!

Teddy: [drowsily] Oh, honey, thanks so much for inviting the boys behind my back.

Moe: That ain't the only thing she's doing behind your back.

Curly: Yeah, she wanted us to smother you in your sleep.

Larry: And now it looks like she slipped you some knockout juice.

Teddy: [still drowsy] Lydia, what are they talking about?

Lydia: [feigning innocence] Honey, I am as confused as you are. All I know is that these men crashed our party, and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy.

Moe: Teddy, you've known us since you were a baby. Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches. We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?

Teddy: [still drowsy] Wait, Lydia, why am I still in bed if- if the party's going on?

Mac: [Lydia looks at Mac while trying to come up with an answer] I'll tell you why.

Teddy: [Mac reveals his left hand, which has a gun in it] Oh, Mac.

Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-ah-aah!

Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter enters the room, with a gun in his right hand] Don't even think about it, Mac.

Mr. Harter: [the Stooges sigh and chuckle with relief] Real slow, now. Drop it to the floor.

Mac: Not a problem.

[Mac slowly puts the gun on the floor]

Teddy: Good work, Dad. You know, I had a feeling something was going on, but you, Mac? I mean, you were my best pal. Why would you do that?

Mac: It wasn't my idea; she was calling the shots, I swear.

Mr. Harter: No, Mac, I was calling the shots.

[Lydia walks up next to Mr. Harter, and kisses him, indicating Mr. Harter's and Lydia's treacherous partnership to get rid of Teddy]

Larry: Yeah, what's it gonna take to save this place?

Monsignor Ratliffe: A lot of of this.

[rubs fingers together, indicating money]

Larry: Oh. Well, that's doable. How many boogers we talking about?

Monsignor Ratliffe: Not boogers; dollars, you moron!

Teddy: Hey, wait a minute, where are you guys living?

Moe: You know the Ritz Carlton on Oak Street?

Teddy: Oh, sure.

Curly: Yeah, we're camped out in the dumpster out back.

Larry: But not the dirty, beat-up green one. It's the shiny blue one right next to it

Teddy: Oh... You know, I've got an idea: Why don't you guys come crash at my place, just until you get your feet back on the ground?

Larry: Oh boy, that sounds terrific!

Curly: Yeah, heh.

Moe: We're not going anywhere.

Larry: What are you talking about, Moe?

Moe: Thanks Teddy Bear, but we're gonna stay put. We got too many irons in the fire right now.

Teddy: Of course you do. Hey look, I gotta get going; I'm supposed to be visiting a friend. Wait, let's get a quick pic first.

Moe: What is that gadget?

Teddy: It's an iPhone.

Curly: [squints into Teddy's iPhone] Eye-phone? Hello? Hello! There's nobody there.

Teddy: Works better on your ear. Here, come on, everybody.

Moe: Where do you think you're going?

[Moe pulls Larry's hair]

Larry: Aah!

Moe: Here, let me get- Wait a minute, wait a second.

[Moe climbs on top of Curly and Larry as they pose for a quick photo]

Teddy: Smile!

[Teddy takes the Stooges' photo]

Teddy: [Teddy chuckles] Oh, that's great. It's so good to see you guys, really. You haven't changed a bit.

Larry: [after Moe has just refused Teddy's offer to stay at his place] Hey, what- Have you got rocks in your head? Teddy was trying to help us out, and you blew him off! What gives?

Moe: We'll help ourselves out.

Larry: Well, what about the orphanage? Teddy's dad has dough, maybe he would have given us the 800,000 bucks.

Moe: We don't need handouts from that chump; we told those kids we'd come up with the cash, and that's just what we are going to do.

Larry: Yeah, how?

Moe: Well... we still got that seed money, don't we?

Curly: Seed money?

Moe: The cash Mother Superior gave us.

[Moe reaches into his shoe and pulls out the seed money]

Moe: This 72 bucks is our ticket to riches.

Curly: Riches? Woo-woo, woo-woo. How do you figure?

Moe: Well, it's seed money, right? What do you do with seeds?

Larry: Spit 'em out.

[Moe slaps Larry]

Larry: Ow!

Moe: You plant them. We'll become farmers.

Larry: Farmers? I always wanted to be a farmer.To the farm!

Curly: To the farm!

Moe: To the farm!

Larry, Moe, Curly: [Larry plays the kazoo as the Stooges sing] A farming we will go! A farming we will go, a farming we will go

Curly: Woo-hoo!

Larry, Moe, Curly: A farming we will go!

Larry: ["Turkey in the Straw" plays in the background; a sign reads "Rolling Gills, The Kings of Farm Raised Sammin"] Here's a little drink for you, Elsie.

Larry: [Larry holds a watering can over the salmon] Jonesy, you gotta hold still in order to get a drink. Hello, Maritza, you're getting your color back.

Curly: [Curly steps on a salmon to shoo the flies away] Ralphie don't look so good.

Moe: Poor guy's drying out.

Curly: Oh, good for you, Ralphie. Realizing there's a problem is half the battle, heh-heh.

Larry: Hey look, our first customer.

Curly: Woo-woo-woo.

Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson: What are you doing?

Moe: Only selling the finest farm-raised salmon in the county, that's all.

Curly: Yeah, they're all free-range; no nets, no cages. They can go wherever they want.

Larry: Plus we have smoked salmon.

[Larry holds up a salmon with a cigar in its mouth]

Curly: Oh.

Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson: But this is a golf course!

Larry: So what? We let 'em play through.

Curly: What's your beef?

Moe: Yeah, we're trying to save an orphanage. Look, are you here to buy fish, or are you just kicking the tires?

Larry: [a police car pulls up] Hey, do your job. Cart path only.

Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson: I'll cart path you, you little -

[Moe pokes Lamson in the eyes]

Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-ah-ahh!

Curly: Woo-woo-woo, woo-woo!

[the Stooges run away]

Moe: It's the five-o, scram!

Officer Mycroft: You again!

Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-ah-ahh!

[the Stooges run off with a windmill, then throw it to the ground as they run away]

Larry: Oh, my back.

[the Stooges run through a hole in the hedge]

Moe: [riding on Curly's back and dangling a hot dog in front of him] Yah! Yah mule! Yah!

Moe: [the Stooges run into an alley] Whoa, whoa!

Moe: [Curly snorts like a horse] Easy Seabiscuit, easy!

Larry: [Larry pulls on a locked door] We're trapped like rats!

Moe: Speak for yourself, rodent.

[Moe pushes Larry aside]

Moe: We're going to need a battering ram.

[Moe and Larry look at Curly]

Officer Mycroft: You go that way, I'll go this way!

[Officers Mycroft and Armstrong split up]

Officer Armstrong: Okay!

[Armstrong wheezes as he chases the Stooges on foot]

Moe, Larry: [Moe and Larry use Curly as a battering ram against the door] Heave-ho! Heave-ho!

Curly: Oh oh, fellas, ease up, you're squeezing my ankles too tight!

Moe: Quit your whining.

Moe, Larry: Ho!

[Curly groans from the pain as the Stooges break through the metal door]

Larry: Stop it! Stop in, Moe! I've had it with you! You're the cause of all our problems since day one.

Moe: How do you figure?

Larry: You should have gone and lived with Teddy's folks back when they wanted to adopt you!

Curly: Yeah, that way you could have come back and and helped us all out.

Larry: But no, the great and powerful Moe is too lazy to squeegee the pool.

Moe: Ah, you don't know what you're talking about.

Larry: Oh no? Why do you think we never got another shot at getting adopted again? Because when you messed it up that day, you messed it up for all of us!

Moe: Look, if you two got ants in your pants, then why don't you just leave? I'm getting sick and tired of looking at your monkey faces anyhow! Being with you two is like dragging around a couple of boat anchors!

[Larry and Curly quietly gasp to themselves]

Curly: Well, fine. Then... Good-bye, Moe.

Larry: Yeah... good-bye.

Moe: Well, what are you waitin' for? Go on, scram! I bet you two earthworms won't last a day without me!

[Curly grunts in annoyance, Larry picks up a clump of hair, and they both walk out]

Curly: [Curly and Larry are standing next to an ice-cream cooler cart] Ninety percent off all our treats, folks!

Larry: We got chocolate, vanilla, strawberry! No reasonable offer will be refused!

Curly: It's remarkable! It's refreshing!

Curly: [Larry lifts the cooler lid] Nyah-ah! It's repulsive!

Curly: [Larry slaps Curly] Grr! What was that for?

Larry: I told you we'd need more ice. Hey look, a zoo! What do you say we go in and chisel a lunch?

Curly: All right.

Larry: Need some help, folks, looking for our missing friend. $3.50 reward, dead or alive.

Curly: Here you are, pal, we're missing our pal. Thank you, sir.

Larry: Hey, get over there and staple up the rest of these flyers on the pronto.

Staple in Hat Guy: [Curly hums as he staples posters to a couple of trees, then accidentally nails one on the back of a man's head] Ow!

Curly: Oh, oh...

Staple in Hat Guy: Thanks a lot, buddy, now I got a hole in my head.

Larry: Hey, quit screwing with the public.

[Larry slaps Curly]

Curly: Grr, cut it out! Who do you think you are, huh?

Larry: Oh, I see: When Moe slugs you, it's okay, but when Larry does it, it's not good enough!

Curly: No, no, no Larry, it's good enough, it's just that... you're not doing it right. When Moe hits me, it's just... I don't know, better, you know?

Larry: Ah, you got rocks in your head, I'm hitting you just the same.

Curly: No, you're not: you do this,

[Curly punches Larry in the ribs and hits Larry's face with a light uppercut]

Curly: And Moe does this.

[Curly hits Larry in the stomach with a thud, and gives Larry a harder uppercut punch to the face with a bonk]

Curly: And Moe doesn't do this,

[Curly hits Larry on the nose with a fist]

Curly: He does this.

[Curly hits Larry's nose again a little harder, with a honking sound effect]

Curly: You see?

Larry: Ah, you're right. Come on, think. Where would we go if we was Moe?

[Final Jeopardy think music plays in the background]

Curly: Home!

Larry: Home, yeah.

[Larry and Curly walk off in separate directions; Larry whistles and Curly turns around, following Larry]

Mother Superior: [sees the Stooges beating up Monsignor Ratliffe and chases them away] Get off of him! Off, off! Oh, I'm so sorry! Oopsie-daisy! Oh, oh, I'm so sorry! What are you doing?

Larry: We caught this lounge lizard getting all handsy with the nuns!

Mother Superior: This is no lounge lizard! He's here on official business.

Curly: Official business? Why didn't you say so?

Larry: [the Stooges take off their work uniforms, with boxer shorts, white shirts and bowties underneath; they clap and snap their fingers in rhythm] Pick me, I'll clip your hedges!

Moe: I'll hedge your clippers.

Curly: I'll fetch your slippers.

Moe: I'll scrub the stench right off them dentures!

Monsignor Ratliffe: You idiots!

[Msgr. Ratliffe slaps all three of them at once]

Monsignor Ratliffe: I'm not here to adopt!

Mother Superior: This is Monsignor Ratliffe from the diocese.

Moe: Oh, sorry about that, Señor Ratlips.

Larry: We'll climb mountains!

Moe: We'll forge rivers!

Curly: We'll forge checks, nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Moe: Boy, what a hothead.

Larry: Women!

Moe: Wait a second, with her hubby laid out in the hospital nursing them tire tracks, it'll be easy pickings to slide a pillow over the poor schlump's face and give him the surprise sendoff he wanted!

Larry: Good thinking! We'll be doing the guy a favor and making enough money to save the orphanage! It's like killing two birds with one pillow!

Moe: It's colossal!

Larry: It's stupendous!

Curly: It's even mediocre!

Curly: [Moe honks Curly's nose] Ow!

Moe: Say ah.

Curly: Ahh...

Larry, Curly: [Moe grabs Curly by the lip and Larry by the nose] Nyah-ah-ahh!

Moe: Come on!

Curly: [the Stooges have just entered a room] Oh, that was a close one.

Moe: What is that? What's with the light?

Larry: I got a better question: Why didn't we go live with Teddy when we had the chance? Now we got no Teddy, no seed money, no nothing.

Curly: Yeah, shame on you, Moe. You put your pride ahead of them kids.

Moe: How dare you accuse me of having pride?

Curly: Mm-mm.

Moe: Back off.

Curly: I won't.

Moe: Okay kid, you got me. You know, I'm proud of you for finally standing up for yourself. Let's shake on it.

[Moe shakes Curly's hand]

Curly: Oh.

Moe: There you go.

[Moe shoves Curly away]

Moe: Get out of here!

Moe: [to Larry] This is all your fault!

Larry: Me?

Curly: Oh, oh!

[Curly rebounds from hitting a steel pillar and knocks Moe over from behind]

Moe: You start with a - Oh, sneaking up on me, eh?

[Moe slaps Larry and Curly]

Moe: And you! Get over here!

[Moe pulls Larry's hair, then hits Curly in the gut and then over the head with his two fists]

Curly: Ohh, ohh!

Moe: What's the matter with you? Whoa, whoa!

[Larry pokes Moe in the eyes,knocking him backwards over Curly and into a steel pillar]

Moe: Why you - !

[Moe picks up a block-and tackle cargo hook and aims for Curly's head]

Curly: Moe, not that! Anything but that! Nyah-ahh-ahh!

[the hook misses Curly and hits Larry in the head]

Larry: [Larry and Curly enter the orphanage] Hello?

Curly: Anybody home?

[a TV commercial voice can be heard: "Hi, I'm Al Cerrone. Four-wheel drive SUVs just like this, with a gas saving, six-cylinder engine, only $19,995; and pickups, automatic and air, only $16,000. My promise is you'll be..."]

Larry: Sister Ricarda.

Sister Ricarda: Boys, what are you doing here?

Curly: We've been looking everywhere for Moe. Have you seen him?

Sister Ricarda: Yeah, I - I see him almost every night on TV. He's on that Jersey... beach people show.

Sister Ricarda: [Larry and Curly look at each other with surprise] You didn't know? Moe's a big celebrity now.

Curly: Oh... good for him.

Larry: Yeah... looks like he didn't need us after all... So, what happened here? Where are all the kids?

Sister Ricarda: Well, they're closing us down on Monday, so... we had to start moving everyone out.

Larry: But we told you to wait! We were gonna get the money!

Sister Ricarda: You got the money?

Curly: We got the money?

Larry: Well... no... but we're working on it.

Curly, Sister Ricarda: Oh. Oh.

Peezer: Well, at least you tried.

Larry, Curly: Peez!

[Larry and Curly chuckle, Larry gives Peezer a high five]

Larry: Thank God you're still here!

Peezer: They tried to shoo me out, but I told them I wasn't leaving without her.

Curly: Without who?

[Larry, Curly, and Peezer go into the next room where Mother Superior is praying at Murph's bedside]

Curly: Murph?

Mother Superior: I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.

Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?

Mother Superior: Well...

Sister Mary-Mengele: [Mary-Mengele interrupts Mother Superior] I'll tell you why... Because we don't have any medical insurance.

Larry: 830,000 bucks. We prefer it in hundreds, folks.

Larry: [Larry sees an archery bow on the sidewalk] Hm.

Larry: [Larry picks up the bow, stretches its bowstring to test it, then shoots an arrow into the air] Wow, in the wrong hands, this thing could be dangerous.

Larry: Guys, we've been at this for days now, and all I got is a hole in my shoe.

Moe: [Larry lifts his foot to reveal a hole in his shoe's sole, which is worn out] Aw, the kid's right, there must be a better way to make a living. Come on, think!

Curly: [Final Jeopardy think music plays in the background as the Stooges pace around while Curly hums, then gasps] No, no...

Curly: [Curly resumes humming, then snaps his fingers; then he goes to the sidewalk and starts spinning about on his side as if he was break-dancing] Woo! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Woo-woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo!

Larry: Look, he's on to something!

Moe: Spit it out, tiger!

Curly: [Curly rubs his butt on the sidewalk] I can't, it's stuck! Jar it loose, Moe!

Curly: [Moe hits Curly on the back of his neck] What about a job where you could sleep all day, meet beautiful babes at night, and make millions for doing absolutely nothing?

Moe: Oh boy, that's genius! So, what's the job?

Curly: That is the job!

Moe: Oh that - And who's going to pay you?

Curly: The boss!

Larry: You know, it's just crazy enough to work!

Moe: Why you...!

[Moe pokes Curly in the eyes]

Curly: Ohh!

Moe: And you! Ow!

[Moe tries to poke Larry, but he ends up hitting Larry's sandwich board sign, Larry laughs]

Moe: Come on in here!

[Moe knocks Larry's and Curly's heads together]

Curly: Oh, oh, oh! Oh look, Moe, I think we got a customer!

Curly: Oh, oh look Moe, I think we got a customer!

[the theme from "Perry Mason" plays in the background]

Larry: Whoa, would you look at those getaway sticks!

Curly: Rowf, rowf, rowf!

[Curly pants like a dog]

Moe: Spread out!

Moe: [Lydia approaches] I'm the foreman here, what can we do for you?

Lydia: I'll pay you $830,000 for a job that won't take you more than 10 minutes.

Curly: Oh, we'll take it. Who do we have to murder?

Lydia: [the Stooges chuckle] My husband.

Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-aah-aah!

[Curly's teeth chatter nervously]

Moe: Sorry lady, you came to the wrong place; we're working stiffs, not common crooks!

Lydia: But you don't understand, you will be doing him a great service.

Larry: Says who?

Mac: [Mac gets out of the car] Says me.

Moe: Who are you?

Mac: I'm her husband.

[Mac kisses Lydia]

Larry: Wait a minute, you mean to tell me she's planning your funeral, and you're okay with it?

Mac: Well, I know it all sounds a bit peculiar...

Curly: No no no, that doesn't sound peculiar, this sounds peculiar.

[Curly puts his hands to his head and shakes it around, chuckles]

Mac: [Mac groans as if he's in pain] Ow!

Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.

Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. Pain increasing daily... till I lapse into an irreversible coma.

Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called "coma-toes".

[Larry and Curly laugh]

Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, coma-toes, huh?

Curly: Yeah.

Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!

Mac: Ohh!

Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.

Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more, pain increasing daily until I lapse into an irreversible coma.

Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called "coma-toes".

[Larry and Curly laugh]

Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, "coma-toes", huh?

Curly: Yeah.

Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!

Moe: Are they awake now?

[Curly growls]

Mac: Gentlemen,

[the Stooges look around, unaware that Mac is referring to them]

Mac: Gentlemen.

Curly, Moe, Larry: Oh.

Mac: I'm sure you can understand why I... prefer to leave this world on my own terms, rather than spend the rest of my life a vegetable.

Moe: I don't know, it sounds illegal.

Larry: Wait a minute, legs. Did you say $830,000 bucks?

Lydia: I did.

Larry: [Larry whistles "Whew"] That's a good day's pay.

Curly: Hey, wait a minute, fellas. That's exactly the amount of money we' re looking for.

Moe: You're right. This must be fate, time-bomb. You can count us in!

Mac: [the Stooges shake Mac's hand] Ah, that's swell.

Ling: [Larry and Curly enter the office building where Teddy works; one sign reads "Ditcher, Quick & Hyde: Divorce Lawyers", another sign reads "Proba, Keester & Wintz: Proctologists"] Kickham, Harter, and Indagroyne, may I help you?

Ling: [on the phone] Yes, I'll connect you now.

Ling: [Ling hangs the phone up] Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but the clown college is on the ninth floor.

Larry: Oh, no, I'm here to see Teddy Harter. Tell him it's his old pal, Larry, from the orphanage.

Ling: Oh, Teddo's not here. He's out making arrangements for his anniversary party.

Larry: All right, then, can I speak to his old man?

Ling: Mr. Harter is at lunch, but he should be back soon.

Larry: Nice glasses.

Ling: Thank you.

Larry: You got a little spot there, let me help you out.

[Larry takes Ling's glasses, licking them the with his tongue, followed by a spit-shine, wiping them clean]

Larry: [Larry hands Ling's glasses back to her] There you are, good as new. By the way, do not lick those, I'm just getting over pink-eye.

Larry: We'll climb mountains!

Moe: We'll forge rivers!

Curly: We'll forge checks, nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.

Moe: [the Stooges hitch a ride by hanging on to the rear bumper of Lydia's car, then they get off as they arrive at Teddy's mansion] Hey, do you smell garbage burning?

Moe, Curly, Larry: [the Stooges look down and see that their shoe soles have been worn down and smoking from dragging on the ground; they start rapidly stamping to put out the fumes] Nyah-ah-aah!

Lydia: [gasps] What are you doing here?

Moe: We want the dough-re-mi you owe us, lady.

Curly: Yeah, 830,000 bucks.

Larry: Plus meals.

Carbunkle: May I have a moment, ma'am?

Lydia: Excuse me, gentlemen.

[Lydia goes aside to talk with Carbuncle]

Moe: Mind your P's and Q's.

Curly: But don't forget to dot the I's.

Moe: Certainly.

[Moe finger-pokes Curly in the eyes; Larry chuckles, and puts his hand up sideways to block Moe's eye poke attempt]

Larry: Nyahhh.

[Larry sticks his tongue out at Moe, who hits him on the forehead with his fist]

Larry: Ugh, ooh!

Carbunkle: [to Lydia] I'm afraid I have unfortunate news: I've just received word that Mr. Miosky was struck by a bus.

Lydia: Oh no, so Mac is dead?

Carbunkle: No.

Lydia: No? Are you sure?

Carbunkle: Oh, yes. He's still alive, but he's in bad shape. Your husband is in contact with the hospital. He said he'd call with any news.

Lydia: Thank you, Carbunkle.

[Carbunkle goes back inside]

Larry: Come on blondie, pay up. A deal's a deal!

[Lydia slaps all three Stooges with one stroke]

Lydia: Our deal was that you would get paid when my husband died, and on that count, you have failed miserably.

Moe: You mean he's still kicking?

Lydia: That's right, you idiots. You have ruined my life, now get out of here!

[Lydia knocks all three Stooges over the wall and onto the outside lawn]

Carbunkle: [checking the guest list] Madam... madam... Sir, madam.

Moe, Larry, Curly: [the Stooges ride up to Teddy's mansion on a skateboard towed by a pack of large, white poodles, the tow rope slips out Moe's hand, and they knock Carbuncle into a flower bed] Nyah-ah-aah!

Carbunkle: Oh no, whoa!

Curly: Ohh, ohh.

Moe: What happened? Now we got to...

Moe: [the Stooges dust themselves off by slapping the dirt off each other's backs; Moe turns around, and Larry accidentally slaps him in the face, Moe grunts] Urgh-urgh-urgh! What's the matter with you? You had the rudder, don't you know how to drive?

Larry: It just went out of control. What kind of poodles are those anyway?

Moe: Standard.

Larry: Well, there's your problem, I can't drive a standard.

[Moe groans at the "standard drive" pun]

Carbunkle: You blithering idiots! What do you think you're doing?

Moe: Out of the way, Threepio, we got to get Teddy.

Carbunkle: [Carbunkle pushes the Stooges, who happen to be in a single-file line, back like dominoes] This is an invitation-only party! Now, good day!

Curly: Great, now what are we gonna do?

Maid: [to the party security guard] Here, send those balloon men in as soon as they get here.

Party Security: Will do.

Moe: [Moe snaps his fingers] That's our cue, boys. Come on!

Moe: [the Stooges carry several bunches of balloons] Balloon men coming through.

Larry: Out of our way, these things are heavy.

Moe: [the guard opens the gate; Moe hands him a balloon] There you go, crusher.

Larry: Need some help, folks, looking for our missing friend. $3.50 reward. dead or alive.

Curly: Here you are, pal; we're missing our pal.

Larry: Thank you, so - Hey, get over there and staple up the rest of those flyers on the pronto.

Curly: [Curly hums as he staples a couple of posters to some trees, then accidentally staples a poster into the back of a young man's head] Oh, oh.

Staple in Hat Guy: Thanks a lot, buddy! Now I got a hole in my head.

Larry: Hey, quit screwing with the public!

[Larry slaps Curly]

Curly: Grr! Cut it out! Who do you think you are, huh?

Larry: Oh, I get it: when Moe slugs you, it's okay, but when Larry does it, it's not good enough!

Curly: No no no Larry, it's good enough. It's just that... you're not doing it right. When Moe hits me, it's just... I don't know better, you know?

Larry: Aah, you've got rocks in your head! i'm hitting you just the same.

Curly: No you're not, you do this:

[Curly hits Larry on the chest and hits Larry's forehead]

Curly: And Moe does this,

[Curly punches Larry in the stomach and bonks Larry on the nose]

Curly: And Moe doesn't do this,

[Curly hits Larry's nose]

Curly: He does this.

[Curly hits Larry's nose, making a honking sound ]

Curly: Nose honk, see/

Larry: Ah, you're right Come on, think! Where would we go if we was Moe?

Curly: Home!

Larry: Home.

Mac: [after the Stooges have just agreed to Lydia's shady business proposal for $830,000] Thank you! Now, here's what we were thinking.

Moe, Larry, Curly: Yes?

Mac: I'd like you to sneak into our bedroom in the middle of the night and smother me while I'm sleeping.

Moe, Larry, Curly: Yes, yes?

Mac: But, do not turn on the lights.

Moe, Larry, Curly: No, no, no.

Moe: Wait a minute, why don't you want the lights on?

Mac: Well, I want it to be a surprise.

Moe: Oh, I get it. You don't want to see it coming, eh?

Mac: Bingo.

Larry: Hey look, it's the guy from that thing all the kids are talking about!

Larry: [Curly belly-bumps Mac into the path of a city bus; Mac gets knocked several blocks ahead where a street sweeper runs over him] Whoa, whoa! Help, help, help, help, help, help! Help, help, help...!

Moe: [a kid jumps on Mac with his pogo stick, bouncing on his stomach, then the arrow Larry shot from the bow lands in Mac's right thigh; Mac faints] That settles that.

Moe, Larry, Curly: [the Stooges take turns shaking each other's hands] Success, success, success. Success, success, suceess. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Lydia: [furiously] What did you do? That was not the plan!

Moe: What are you yakking about? He just said he didn't want to see it coming!

Larry: Hey, hey, you look like you could use a grief massage.

Lydia: Huh?

Larry: Let it go, let it go, try to live in the now.

Lydia: [Lydia frustrately pushes Larry away] Get off me!

Larry: [Lydia gets into her car and drives away] Too soon?

Curly: [Curly, Larry, and Peezer enter a room, where Murph is on a sick bed, and Mother Superior is praying at her bedside] Murph?

Mother Superior: I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.

Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?

Mother Superior: [Peezer hops on Murph's bed] Well...

Sister Mary-Mengele: I'll tell you why: because we don't have any medical insurance.

Larry: Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.

Curly: Yeah.

Sister Mary-Mengele: Okay, that's it. I've had it with you! Do you want to know why we have no medical insurance? It's because you wombats have caused so many accidents over the years, there's not a company on this earth who'll cover us until we pay the $830,000 we owe for previous claims, and that's why we're being closed down!

Mother Superior: That's enough, Sister.

Curly: Wait, wh - You mean the orphanage is closing... because of us?

Sister Mary-Mengele: [Mother Superior nods sadly] Check it out: Larry, Curly, you're responsible for that!

Sister Mary-Mengele: [Larry and Curly look at Murph lying on her sickbed, with Peezer at her side] You are, and that other moron!

Sister Mary-Mengele: [a beep is heard, Larry and Curly think it's a flatline monitor] Oh, sorry, excuse me.

Sister Mary-Mengele: [the beep is revealed to be Mary-Mengele's cell phone, which she answers] Yes? No, no, I want it with custard, not whipped cream. I ordered an éclair, not a Twinkie!

Moe: [looking at the boarded-up orphanage] Well, we sure botched this one pretty good.

Larry: [with tears in his eyes] What else is new? I wonder what happened to Murph and Peeze and the rest of the gang.

Curly: [sniffles] I sure do miss those guys.

Curly: [distant laughter] Why, it's almost like I can hear the sweet childhood sounds of laughter and swimming and tennis.

Moe: [with tears] I know what you mean.

Moe: [Moe does a double-take reaction] Wait a minute! We didn't have swimming and tennis!

Curly: And we didn't have laughter!

Larry: Hey fellas, look!

[One orphan boy releases a clay pigeon skeet-shooting target and says "Pull!" the other shoots it and says "Yes!"; the Stooges go off to investigate]

Murph: Hey!

[Murph runs up to the Stooges with her fellow orphans]

Murph: Moe, Larry, Curly!

Moe: Hey, guys!

Moe, Curly, Larry: How are you guys? Hey, what's going on? Oh boy, did we miss you guys!

Murph: Welcome home, guys!

Larry: You look great, Murph!

Peezer: That's 'cause she's not sick any more!

Murph: Turns out I just had some form of metal poisoning.

Larry: Nobody listens to me; I told you there's too much iron in the water.

Larry: [Larry drinks from the fountain as if it were a dog dish] Ahh. You're up, pal.

Party Guest: No thanks... My, that's an interesting... haircut.

Larry: Ah, thanks, but it's not without some help. I have a great deal of product in there.

Larry: [Larry turns to Curly, who is drinking punch directly from the bowl] Hey! Where are your manners?

Larry: [Curly extends his pinky fingers and drinks from the punch bowl] Atta boy.

Larry: [Larry samples the dip with his finger] Hmm...

Curly: Ah, how's the dip?

Larry: Here, try it for yourself.

[Larry feeds Curly some of the dip from his fingers]

Curly: Mmm-mm!

Moe: [Moe and Curly have just come from a hospital dressing room disguised as nurses; Larry is wearing a doctor's lab coat] That the best you can do? You're scaring the customers.

Curly: I'm sorry, I didn't bring my false eyelashes.

Larry: [Moe tears part of Larry's eyebrows from his forehead] Owww! Hey! What's the big idea?

Moe: Mind your business.

Curly: [Moe applies the eyebrows he tore off Larry's forehead to Curly's eyes] No, Moe - what are you - Ooh, ooh!

Moe: [Curly grunts as Moe affixes the eyebrows] Hold still. There you go, there.

Curly: Oh...

[Curly chuckles]

Curly: Hmm, hmm.

Moe: Now go on over to that information desk and find out where the hubby's room is, hurry.

Larry: [Larry imitates a crooner by singing into the stethoscope] Buh-ba-ba-boo, buh-ba-ba-boo, buh-ba-ba-boo, ba-ba-ba...

Moe: Let me see that, ohh...

[Moe hits the part of the stethoscope used for listening to heartbeats with a rubber doctor's mallet, Larry hears a loud, reverberating thud in the stethoscope's earpieces]

Larry: Owww!

Curly: [disguised as a nurse] Excuse me, dreamsicle, that patient that got hit with a bus, what room is he in?

Orderly: That would be 386.

Curly: Okay, thank you.

Orderly: [the orderly takes Curly's wrist] Say, I haven't noticed you around here before. I like curvy woman.

Curly: [Curly giggles, holding a hand fan] Oh, I bet you say that to all the gals.

Orderly: What do you say, me and you go out Saturday night, grab some falafel and couple of pops? Huh?

Curly: [Curly giggles] Why wait, when you can have a pop right now?

[Curly slaps the orderly, leaving him with an amorous, love-smitten smile on his face]

Larry: Look, Moe, we owe you an apology.

Moe: No, fellas, I'm the one who owes you the apology. I know sometimes I tend to fly off the handle and...

Larry: No, you don't.

Moe: Yes, I do.

Curly: No, it's just that you get a little upset and...

Moe: [Moe flicks Larry and Curly on their noses, and then he slaps Larry and Curly] Shut up when I'm apologizing!

Larry: We don't have time for that! Teddy's in a jam!

Curly: Yeah, you know that woman who wanted us to take out her husband?

[Curly gasps and hisses]

Curly: She's married to Teddy!

Moe: No wonder she wanted us to smother him in his sleep!

Curly: Yeah.

Moe: I knew I smelled a...

Snooki, JWoww, Sammi: A rat! A rat! Eek!

Moe: [Moe picks up Nippy, Curly's pet rat] That's no rat, it's Nippy! How you doing, buddy? Aw, I missed you too, Nips.

Larry: Come on, we got work to do. We got to get to Teddy before his wife does.

Moe: Come on.

Curly: [Curly chuckles, and rhythmically snaps his fingers] Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Rrowff!

Moe: Come on, Romeo!

[Moe pulls Curly out of the studio by his ear]

Moe's Hip Executive: Are you kidding me? There's three of them?

Balloon Girl: [hanging on to the balloons which have risen to the sunroof] Mommy!

Moe, Larry, Curly: Nyah-ah-aah!

[one of the guests cries out "Oh!"]

Moe: Think of something, lamebrains!

Larry: [Larry points to a rifle on the wall] Hey look, a balloon popper.

Curly: Oh, heh-heh-heh.

[Larry gets the rifle from above the fireplace]

Larry: I'll get it!

[Larry starts to aim the rifle]

Moe: What's the matter with you? That's a kid up there! Where's your gun safety?

[Moe takes the rifle from Larry's hands, and hits him on the forehead with the rifle's butt end; the rifle fires, popping one of the balloons as the little girl falls on the cake below]

Balloon Girl: [laughing] That was awesome!

French Chef: Nooo-oh-oh-oh-ohhhh, oh-oh-ohhh! Mon gateau!

Moe: Come on, fellas.

Mac: [Curly giggles and laughs ticklishly] What's so funny, butter-bean?

Curly: Nothing, Nippy's whiskers are tickling me.

Lydia: Who's Nippy?

Curly: Him.

[Curly takes Nippy, the Stooges' pet rat, out of his coat; Mr. Harter and Lydia scream with terror]

Lydia: [Nippy gets stuck in Lydia's cleavage] Take it out!

Mac: [Mac makes a hard left turn; the Harters' car falls into a nearby lake, Lydia screams] Open the door! Shoot the window out!

Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter pulls the gun out] No, it's wet!

Lydia: Why would you let the gun get wet?

[the car's computerized navigation system says: "When possible, make a legal U-turn." ]

Lydia: [Everyone gasps for air] How long will the air last?

Mr. Harter: Maybe... five minutes, if we stay calm.

Larry: Oh, we got to break a window.

Teddy: It's impossible: There's a thousand pounds of water pressing against that glass.

Mac: Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?

[Bubbles occur near Curly as a result of indigestion; everyone groans at the stench]

Curly: I'm sorry, I guess the "pesto-bismol" didn't help with the lobster.

Moe: [angrily] Did you eat the shells again?

Curly: I don't know; it was on the plate, and then it wasn't.

Moe: Wait a minute! Does anyone have a lighter?

Larry: No... All I got are these stupid, easy-light, waterproof safety matches.

Moe: Why you...

[Moe bonks Larry on the head]

Larry: Ow!

Moe: Gimme that! Everybody close your eyes!

[Moe strikes a match on Curly's face]

Curly: Maybe that's not such a -

[the explosion blows the car up, and everyone escapes to the lake's surface]

Teddy: [Teddy walks in with Ling] Hey everybody!

Moe: Oh, hey Teddy!

Larry: Hi, Teddy!

Mother Superior: Gather round, everyone! I have an announcement to make. Teddy and his fianceé, Ling, have just discovered that our Lord and Savior has left her barren, so they have decided to adopt!

Moe, Curly, Larry: [the Stooges tear off their suits, with shorts, white shirts, and bowties underneath; they snap their fingers in rhythm] Hoi! Hoi! Hoi, hoi, hoi, hoi!

Moe: Spread out, pick me! I promise I'll go this time without any fuss!

Mother Superior: Oh, I'm sorry, boys, but they've already decided who they're adopting.

Teddy: [approaches Murph and Peezer] So how about it, Murph? Will you be a part of our family?

Murph: Are you serious, dude? Me? And you're not even getting paid?

[Murph looks over at a sad Peezer]

Murph: Oh... I'm sorry, mister, your offer is very nice and all, but... I think you better pick someone else.

Peezer: It's okay, Murph... you should go. This is your big break.

Murph: [Murph hugs Peezer] Not a chance, kid, not without you.

Teddy: Well, I guess we'll just have to take all three of you.

Murph: What three? I was just talking about me and Peez.

Teddy: Well, yeah, of course, but there's also the kid that we just sprang from the foster home across town.

Weezer: [Sister Rosemary and Weezer appear] Peezer!

Peezer: Weezer!

[the Stooges and orphans laugh joyfully, followed by the orphans screaming "Yay!"]

Mother Superior: Pack your bags, you three, it's time to go home. Three cheers for the boys. Hip-hip, hooray!

[the orphans join in the cheer]

Sister Mary-Mengele: [mutters to herself] Oh, please.

Mother Superior: [with the orphans] Hip-hip, hooray! Hip-hip, hooray!

Moe: Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once!

Curly: Oh, you said it, mm-hmm.

[Curly leans on the diving board with Sister Mary-Mengele standing underneath it; it hits her on the head and knocks her into the pool]

Curly: Ooh-hoo, oh, oh, oh!

Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah!

Sister Mary-Mengele: [gasping] I'm going to mash your heads, like potatoes!

Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah, nyah-aah-aah!

[the Stooges run away, jumping on three trampolines near the hedge, each landing on a horse and riding away]

Curly: Woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo!

[last lines]

Moe: Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once.

Curly: Oh, you said it.

[Curly leans on the diving board, knocking Sister Mary-Mengele into the swimming pool]

Sister Mary-Mengele: Aaah!

Curly: Oh, oh, oh oh!

Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah!

Sister Mary-Mengele: I'm going to mash your heads... like potatoes!

Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah!

Curly: Woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!

[the Stooges jump on trampolines and over the hedge, landing on horses and riding away]

Moe, Curly, Larry: Whoa!

Larry: Hey fellas, wait! Wait up! Whoa, whoa! How do you steer this thing? Oh, boy...

Dr. Diana Reddin: What do you mean, what am I doing here? It's my baby, not yours!

Larry: Hey. I put it in there.

Dr. Diana Reddin: It's MY EGG!

Larry: Yeah, just 'cause your egg's in some guy doesn't make you the mother!

Dr. Alex Hesse: I've noticed that the side effects of pregnancy are greatly amplified... With the dosage of Expectane that l've required. The morning sickness, the mood swings. Sleepiness, sexual appetite.

Larry: Sexual appetite?

Dr. Alex Hesse: Yesterday, just scooping the middle out of a honeydew melon gave me a - A "Steifen".

Larry: A what? Oh. That's normal. I get 'em all the time.

Larry: You think you're the first clown whoever woke up and said "I'm bored, I think I'll have a kid!"

Larry: Let's put a bun in your oven.

Skip: You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!

Larry: Lollygaggers!

Skip: Lollygaggers.

Larry: [Larry jogs out to the mound to break up a players' conference] Excuse me, but what the hell's going on out here?

Crash Davis: Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live... is it a live rooster?

[Jose nods]

Crash Davis: . We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present.

[to the players]

Crash Davis: Is that about right?

[the players nod]

Crash Davis: We're dealing with a lot of shit.

Larry: Okay, well, uh... candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get two! Go get 'em.

Joe Reardon: He walked 18.

Larry: New league record!

Joe Reardon: Struck out 18.

Larry: Another new league record! In addition he hit the sportswriter, the public address announcer, the bull mascot twice...

[Joe laughs]

Larry: Also new league records! But, Joe, this guy's got some serious shit.

Larry: Who's this? Who are you?

Crash Davis: I'm the player to be named later.

Skip: What's our record, Larry?

Larry: Eight and sixteen.

Skip: Eight... and sixteen. How'd we ever win eight?

Larry: It's a miracle.

Skip: It's a miracle. This... is a simple game. You throw the ball. You hit the ball. You catch the ball. You got it?

Larry: Well if there was one chick who would know you were pulling your hips out early it'd be Annie.

Umpire: Call me a cocksucker again, and you're outta here.

Crash Davis: You're a cocksucker.

Umpire: You're... *outta*!

Larry: Whoa! What the fuck is that?

Larry: Sears sucks, Crash. Boy, I worked there once. Sold Lady Kenmores. Nasty, whoa, nasty.

Skip: Crash Davis? Joe Riggins.

[shakes hands with Crash]

Crash Davis: And you Larry Hockett should remember me, 'cause about five years ago in the Texas League you were pitching for El Paso and I was batting clean-up for Shreveport. You hung an 0 and 2 curve ball in a 3-2 game in the bottom of the 8th and I tattooed it over the Michelin Tire sign and beat you 4-3.

Larry: Yeah, I remember. I should'a thrown a slider. Damn, Crash, nice to see you.

Crash Davis: I'm too old for this shit. Why the hell am I back in A ball?

Joe Reardon: 'Cause of Ebby Calvin LaLoosh. Big club's got a hundred grand in him.

Larry: He's got a million dollar arm, and a five cent head.

Joe Reardon: Had a gun on him tonight. The last five pitched he threw were faster that the first five, He has the best young arm I've seen in 30 years. You've been around. You're smart, professional. We want you to mature the kid. We want you to room with him on the road, stay on his case all year. He could go all the way.

Crash Davis: Where can I go?

Joe Reardon: You can keep going to the ballpark, and keep getting paid to do it. Beats the hell out of working at Sears.

Larry: Sears sucks, Crash.

Lloyd: We're just trying to provide you all with a balanced perspective, to see that there are options. In the end, it's up to you whether you choose to live a...

Larry: Lie.

Lloyd: Whether you want to be who you are or keep it hidden is really more what we're about.

Megan: So you run like, the underground homo railroad.

Larry: [Kyle's older brother who lives above his parents garage] Hey Kyle, word of advice...

Kyle: Why not?

Larry: Never take advice from someone who lives above a garage.

Larry: I don't live at home, I live above the garage. It's a whole separate dwelling... I've got my own phone line.

Larry: Help! There's a blind kid driving the train!

Danny: [Narrating] My mom was the kind of person whose love could kill you if you weren't careful. I guess she blames herself because I was born three months premature.

Lucia: Have a good day, okay?

Larry: Mom!

Danny: [Narrating] But I was just in a hurry to get out. I'm always in a hurry.

Danny: If we feel something for each other and she wants to do it, then we'll do it. Only if she wants to do it.

Larry: Yeah. Yeah, Danny, that's how it usually works. Otherwise they arrest you and charge you with rape.

Larry: That's a condom. It's for safe sex. There's nothin' worse than a blind guy with genital warts.

Larry: What's the secret password?

Vanessa: Fuck you, you piece of shit...

Owen: Where are you going?

Larry: I'm gonna kill the bitch. You want something?

Owen: Could you get me a Chunky?

Larry: Hate makes you impotent, Love makes you crazy, somewhere in the middle you can survive.

Momma: Get out of my way, you black bastard!

Larry: What?

Larry: [teaching a creative-writing class] This is a real classic by Mr. Pinsky. It's entitled "One Hundred Girls I'd Like to Pork."

Male Student #1: "Pork"?

Mr. Pinsky, Creative Writing Student: It's a coffee table book.

Larry: "One Hundred Girls I'd Like To..." Hmmm. Chapter One: Kathleen Turner. Chapter Two: Cybill Shepherd. Chapter Three: Suzanne Pleshette. Chapter Four: The Girl in the Taco Commercial. Chapter Five: The Woman in 4B. Chapter Six: The Oriental Laker Girl. Chapter Seven... Mr. Pinsky, this is not literature!

Mr. Pinsky, Creative Writing Student: Well, you know, I would put in photographs, a brief character sketch, like a biography, and a nice dust jacket.

Larry: Mr. Pinsky, what is this?

Mr. Pinsky, Creative Writing Student: It's literature. It's a fantasy. My fantasy. Like Melville, this is my great white whale.

Mrs. Hazeltine: It's whacking material.

Mr. Pinsky, Creative Writing Student: Isn't that literature?

Larry: Mr. Pinsky, how do you associate "Moby Dick" to a list of women you'd like to have sex with?

Male Student #2: Well, I think it's very brave.

Mrs. Hazeltine: I think he's vulgar.

Male Student #3: That's what they said about Twain.

Mrs. Hazeltine: That's what I'm saying about him.

Male Student #3: I think you're vulgar.

Mrs. Hazeltine: I think you're a no-talent little shit.

Mr. Pinsky, Creative Writing Student: Maybe I should change the title.

Male Student #2: I like the title!

Larry: [bell rings] OK, I'll see you Wednesday, class. Good work today. Remember, a writer writes, always.

[as the students prepare to leave, voices are heard saying "Pinsky, I could do the photographs" and "Hey Pinsky, what about Vanna White?"]

Larry: [on the phone with Owen from Hawaii] Owen, what the hell did you do to my wife?

Owen: Ehh, I don't want to say over the phone. All I can tell ya is that I killed her last night.

[hangs up]

Momma: Who the HELL are you?

Larry: I'm Owen's friend.

Momma: Owen doesn't have a friend!

Larry: That's because he's shy.

Momma: No he's not. He's fat and he's stupid!

Larry: You killed my wife, Owen!

Owen: No, I didn't... Yes, I did.

Larry: You're a sick man, Owen. You need care and I'm taking you to the police.

Owen: Did you know that Hawaii is a series of islands that was all spit up by the same volcano? I never knew that.

Larry: You killed somebody! You killed a person. You're a murderer. You took a life!

Owen: You're right. You're right, I'm no good. How could I do that? I'm a sick pers... cows!

[points at passing billboard]

Larry: The night was dry, yet it was raining.

Larry: One little murder and I'm Jack the Ripper.

Larry: Remember, a writer writes always.

[Larry's been hit in the groin by Momma's cane]

Larry: [in pain] She's not a woman, she's The Terminator.

Larry: [Larry is reading stories to the class] Next is "Murder at My Friend Harry's" by Owen... Lift. "Chapter one: The night was humid."

[Closes the paper]

Larry: Class dismissed. I have a enormous headache in my eye.

Momma: Holy Shit! What a dream I was having! Louis Armstrong was trying to kill me!

Larry: Mrs. Lift?

Momma: Get away from me, you horse's ass!

[Hits Larry in the crotch with her cane. Larry falls to the floor, groaning]

Larry: [to Owen] She's not a woman... she's the Terminator.

Owen: Larry! I can't breath!

Larry: Yes! That's because I'm choking you!

Larry: Owen, you gotta get it through your thick head. I may be a lot of things, but I'm not a killer.

Owen: You don't have to blow her brains out or anything.

Larry: [Sarcastically] Thank you, that takes the pressure right off.

Owen: She's old. She's got a bad ticker. All you gotta do is jerk around a lot when you talk to her.

[Mimics shaking Mrs. Lift viciously]

Owen: "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Lift!"

Larry: Would you stop it?

Owen: Well just meet her. Maybe she'll be somebody you'd LIKE to kill.

Larry: Slut! She's a slut! Look at her! Slut!

Larry: Why did you kill my wife?

Owen: I thought you wanted me to. That was the deal we made that night. You told me that hated your wife. You wished she was dead. I told you I hated my mama. I told you I wished she was dead. To told me to see that Hitchcock film about swaping murders. I figured I kill your wife and you kill my mama. That's fair.

Larry: I am not killing your mother. You have to turn yourself in.

Owen: I'm not turning myself in. That's not part of the plan.

Larry: What plan? There was never any plan, you moron! I am taking you to the police and you are telling them what you did! That's it and that's all! I don't want to hear another word!

Owen: If you take me to the cops, I'll just tell them that you did it Larry! What's the point trying to convince them that I did it all on my own? You've got the motive!

Larry: Do you say the night was humid? Or do you say the night was moist? That's writing.

Momma: The night was sultry.

Larry: [talking at Margaret Donner on TV] It's my life, Margaret. It's MY life and I want it back!

Larry: [referring to Owen's lousy murder mystery paper] It wasn't motivated.

Owen: Sure it was. The guy in the hat killed the other guy in the hat.

Lester: [discussing Larry's stalled book] Man, you been on "The night was... " for six months!

Larry: Takes place in the Yukon.

Larry: [last line, while they are snorkeling out through the surf] Keep going a little further Owen, maybe somebody'll harpoon you!

Larry: Two minutes ago, you were my agent. and now you're telling me that...

Joel: Larry, I'm sorry. That's the way the mop flops.

Larry: That's what i get after seven years? That's the way the mop flops?

Joel: Larry, you have every right to feel like this is the lowest point in your entire life. Arnie, what are you doing? You're bending the fern. Don't bend the fern. Fluff it! Fluff it!

Larry: The night was... nt... oy. There's probably halibut, right here... who could write better than me. uh. oy. the night was... ya got a line fish, just yell it out. I'm up for grabs.

Owen: She didn't feel a thing, professor Donner. I know how important that is to you not to have her feel a thing.

Larry: Who?

Owen: Your wife. She had a little trouble walking, but that was from the gardener.

Larry: You saw my wife?

Owen: She was kind of a tart Larry. Although I can see why you married her. She was very beautiful.

Owen: I wrote a book, and it got published. It's called Owen, And Owens Friend Larry. And it's all about you, me, and momma, and our times that we shared together. What's your book about?

Larry: You wrote a book about us?

Owen: Yeah!

Larry: Mmmhmm. All about you, me, and momma?

Owen: Yeah! Isn't it great?

Larry: Mmmm... YOU SON OF A BITCH, I'm gonna KILL YOU!

Owen: Wha... what? Don't! Do you want me to leave?

Larry: No, I don't want you to leave, I want you dead!

Owen: No, no, wait! Larry! Here! Take this! It's a copy of my book.

Larry: What is this, you wrote a pop up book?

Owen: Yeah! See, there's me, you, and there's momma. And see, this is the little train... TOOT TOOT!

Larry: You wrote a pop up book! Owen, this is the cutest thing I have ever seen!

Larry: I want to go too! I wanna be free! I want out!

Mr. Hirsch's Lawyer: I'm warning you, that's Communist talk!

Larry: Oh my God, it's a trap.

Dr. Gwen Lichtman: Dogs don't set traps.

Larry: Yeah, well, dogs don't live 300 years either.

Larry: [smarting after a handshake from Duvall] Man, my hand ain't been this sore since the first episode of "Baywatch".

Sheriff Smoot: Elmer's in the barn. He's armed, and he's got a hostage, somebody named Buttercup. We figure it's either his girlfriend or his horse.

Larry: With Elmer, it's the same thing.

Larry: Having money isn't the same thing as having class you know.

Madeleine: Why do I bother with a man who keeps a possum in his glove compartment?

Larry: Wally's in the glove box? Wally! Wally!

Larry: How can I trust you?

Wilford Duvall: Trust me?

Larry: Yeah, trust you.

Wilford Duvall: Trust this.

[Duvall pulls out a gun, Larry passes gas]

Larry: Oh. That was a fear fart.

Larry: [telling Madeleine to flee] You need to speed it up. I'm trying to execute a flawless ejaculation.

Larry: You know, the only way to get them folks to back off is if you give them the key to the access codes.

Madeleine: Or if I'm dead.

Larry: Wait a minute. Sure, I can kill ya. Then I'd have a lot of explaining to do.

Larry: I'm gonna shove that BlackBerry up where it's gonna be a BrownBerry.

Larry: Ah. Boy, Connie, you know what your malts do to me?

Connie: Countin' on it, darlin'. I get off in an hour.

Larry: Ain't gonna take that long. I got Crisco at my house.

Larry: You gotta be kidding me. That girl had more scars on her chest than Frankenstein.

Norm: That's because she was mauled by a bear. But her boobs were real.

Madeleine: Are you trying to imply that you didn't just break wind?

Larry: That little squeak? That was all you, sugar. Believe me, if I let one fly, they'll pick that up on the Doppler.

Arthur Grimsley: Well played, for a hillbilly.

Larry: Hey, I won. That means I get to go to your big hoedown tonight.

Arthur Grimsley: In your dreams.

Larry: No, I dream about getting a nut rub from Scarlett Johansson. That ain't gonna happen.

Larry: Wait here.

Madeleine: Alone?

Larry: If I get killed or captured or knocked in the head with a ball peen hammer, call Doc Savage.

Madeleine: On my two-way wrist TV?

Larry: That's Dick Tracy. Rondog Savage. My brother-in-law. He's the medical examiner around this area.

[last lines]

Connie: I didn't think I'd ever see you again, 'cept maybe on "Cops".

Larry: Well, guess I had to take the long way around to figure out what I really wanted was just to be with you.

Larry: [to Fay] I'm single, available, with the soul of a black man.

Amy Butlin: Larry, when are you gonna inspect your own health? We can't lose you to this. Last year, 2000, we lost your Momma and Poppa to that gravy injection tragedy. I don't want to lose you in the year 2001!

Larry: It's alright honeysuckle. I will be a-okay, and then we will all be together once again, and maybe I'll install some cable. I am still doing the annual gravy injection this year, I gotta support my departed folks, you understand.

Dex Phartzhorny: Larry, bad news. President Wang has got a couple terrorists on the line. They're talking about an attack in NYC in September this year, and they need you to disguise yourself as a health inspector to get on a flight and take down the terrorist first.

Larry: Them yankees are too busy sucking on their coffees and looking at their cellphones to get serious about our freedoms, man, and I will give them terrorist taliban son's of bitches what for! Nobody messes with the U.S.A! Hey terrorists, tonight the cable is free!

Larry: Ms. Macechelli was dilling his pickle

Jane Whitley: Dilling his pickle?

Larry: Chucking his corn.

Amy Butlin: Chucking his corn?

Larry: Trimming his tree.

Jane Whitley: Trimming his tree?

Larry: Branching his limb.

Amy Butlin: Branching his limb?

Larry: Oh, I can do this all day.

Larry: She was so ugly, she coulda trick or treated over the telephone.

Larry: [Jane farts] Ooh, I bet that left a mark.

[Jane farts louder]

Larry: Sounds like you got something honking for the right of way.

Larry: You're not gonna believe this, but there's a snow cone vendor out there not wearing a bra.

Amy Butlin: Is that a violation?

Larry: No, but it makes me want to get a snow cone.

Larry: On one hand, Kid Rock wants to take me fishing. On the other, I have Jane, who's a real woman, who wants to get naked with me in a biblical way.

Jane Whitley: Nice Rod, Larry.

Larry: [to himself] She said "Rod."

Larry: That'll go down faster than a bottle of Vicodin at Courtney Love's house.

Larry: He's going down faster than a bottle of vodka in Courtney Love's house.

Bart Tatlock: The city is being sued for a damaged coccyx.

Larry: [laughing]

Bart Tatlock: You think this is funny?

Larry: No. I am crying on the inside, okay.

Bart Tatlock: Butlin!

Amy Butlin: You called me in, sir?

Larry: You gotta be kiddin' me. First I lose my promotion to the pissed off crippled feller that's only been here three weeks and now you expect me, a man of my tenure, to work with a dadgum boy?

Amy Butlin: I'm Amy... Butlin.

Larry: So your parents gave you a girly name to toughen you up? I like that.

Amy Butlin: I've been, uh, very eager to be part of a collaboration ever since I graduated from the academy, I really want to get out on the field and prop...

Larry: [farts loudly, interrupts Butlin, waves his hand to make sure the fart goes away and reaches for Butlin's hand, farts again]

Larry: [to Butlin] You ever fart so loud your back cracks?

[laughs]

Larry: Oh man, I gotta get out of here. Lord Jesus and Dale Earnheardt, Jr, I'm a dadgum tickin' time bomb!

Amy Butlin: That's my partner? Seriously?

Larry: (to cops) Stay back! (to Joey) Tell them to stay back or I'll blow this place and half the fuckin' block to hell.

Joey: He says stay back or he's gonna blow this place and half the block to hell.

Detective Walters (Gary Howard Klar) (on bullhorn): Yeah? With what?

Larry: The stuff on my bike there. It's very explosive stuff.

Joey: He's got stuff strapped to his bike!

Det. Walters: So what? So's my little kid. Look, we wanna know what it is.

Larry: M2 plastic.

Joey: (to Larry) Plastic?

Larry: M2 plastic.

Joey: (to Larry) Plastique? Oh, shit.

Larry: Yeah.

Joey: M2 plastique!

Det. Walters: M2 plastique? You tell him we don't believe him. Where the hell did he get that?

Larry: Jersey.

Joey: Jersey!

Det. Walters: OK! OK! What does he want?

Joey: Larry, I never did Donna.

Larry: What?

Larry: [to Joey] How many girls you got?

Bimbo: Got a bit of bad news today. Knocked me back a bit. I was let go.

Larry: What?

Bimbo: Made redundant.

Larry: I have one for youse, me chips are as burnt as fuck!

[Regarding the Christmas menu]

Larry: It's a fuckin' turkey or nothin'!

Maggie: Do heavy metalers eat chips, Larry?

Larry: Probably.

Larry: God, I'm useless.

Larry: I dreamed about monkeys last night. They have monkeys in Costa Rica. I dreamed that, you know, I made friends with one on the senior trip.

Taz: Okay. Larry, you've go to stop with these gay-ass dreams. Seriously. Look, have you been reading those Hustlers I gave you?

Larry: A lot of the pages are stuck together.

Taz: Yeah, they do that. Uh, humidity.

Larry: I dreamed about that Costa Rican monkey again.

Taz: Larry, you need to be spanking the monkey, not dreaming about it.

Larry: Wow. I just saw my first real monkey. Look.

Taz: Larry, forget about the real monkeys. You're here to get that monkey off your back, all right? The only word I want to hear out of your mouth is "beaver," got it?

Rip: Look, Larry, if you're gonna rip with the big boys, you got to learn to understand women.

Taz: Uh, not the best advice, Ripster. Dude's a total virgin.

Mo: Yeah, man. The only booty call he's ever seen starred Jamie Foxx.

Rip: Is that true, Larry?

Larry: No. Actually I didn't catch Booty Call. I had an S.A.T. review course. And mother thinks Jamie Foxx is a potty-mouth.

Rip: Larry, are you a virgin, man?

Larry: Yes.

Rip: Wow, man. I haven't seen one of you around here since "Grinder Teeth" took out little Jimmy McGee behind the dumpster at the pomegranate hut.

Rip: Larry, your balls are so dried up, I can see them swinging off my rear-view mirror halfway to Turkey.

Larry: Boris says he has big plans for me tonight.

Larry: Jordan, I know you're on an inspirational roll, but I don't think this is gonna work with me. I had my first erotic spanking from a chimp last night, and everybody on this beach knows it. Even their mothers know it.

Larry: Remember I told you about my brother's car, the one that got in a wreck?

Russ: For the sake of expediency, I am going to say yes.

Larry: Look Russ, remember I told you about my cousin's stepdad? The one with the roadside fun park in Colorado.

Russ: Well, if you did, my brain immediately purged it.

Larry: No man becomes wise without stepping on the soil of fools.

Russ: Right. Right! But I never claimed to be a... that's good. Where did you get that? Is that from the bible?

Larry: No, actually it's from this play I wrote in eight grade about Evel Knievel.

Larry: [sirens wailing] Don't say a word without a lawyer, even if they beat the crap out of you. Stay strong.

Russ: Not tonight, nobody's beating the crap outta me.

Tony: It's a medically proven fact that to put said subject to sleep at this point, it's only necessary to introduce into his system several drops of Monotomic dicarbon hydroxyl.

Larry: But what's that?

Tony: Booze.

Larry: Maria, would you dance with me?... Then, how about spending the rest of your life with me?

Maria Hardy: How many jobs did you have?

Larry: I don't know. A lot. I change every two or three years. If it looks like I might be successful. I move on.

Maria Hardy: You don't want to be successful?

Larry: I want to be happy.

Larry: Did you know that if you're high-fivin' somebody, if you look at their elbows, you will never miss with your hand? Focus on my elbow.

Major Norwood: What?

James: [in a meeting with Larry] So I also have this piece, this is my anti-drug piece, it's called "High on Joy." A crack addict will look at this and say, "What am I doing wasting my life smoking all this crack when I could be high on joy?" Over here we have a mascot that I've created. His name is Felix, he's created to tune into the Latino community. He's Latino - you can tell he is because he's wearing a sombrero and a poncho, as Latinos do. You may or may not know, but about 75% of all homeless people are Latino.

Larry: Where did you, uh, hear that?

James: Well, I've taken my own random sampling with, uh, there's four guys that live like, on my block and three of them are Latino - 75%. I mean, the one guy is black. He could be, like, a dark-colored Latino but that wouldn't really make any sense, because that would mean 100% of homeless people are Latino.

[Larry nods]

James: Felix has a lot of slogans that will appeal, give positive messages to the Latino community. Right here, Felix is saying "No complainin', hombre!" I imagine, down in the barrio, people will be saying this to each other all the time - it's like their own sort of, uh..."What's up, doc."

[Larry smiles]

Montana: In the Rehab office - Heavens House: Speaking of whitch - STD's?

Larry: Leans forward: I once had the skin on my entire ballbag peeled of in one piece...

Larry: Shocked: When was this?

Larry: Oh god, 4 or 5 years ago?

Montana: Did you get it checked out?

Larry: Laughs: It was a crazy time, yeah I probably should have seen a doctor...

Montana: Laughs: Probably, okey... ehm Your drug of choice?

Larry: What do you got?

Montana: No, im serious

Larry: Me to

Montana: Your favorite drug, we, we just like to know...

Larry: It's hard to say, there's so many great ones. Ecstacy is pretty damn good, altough coke is solid... You know it's consistant. But pot, i mean pot's the main stay, You know, the baseline, the old friend...

Montana: Shocked: Welcome to Heavens House...

Larry: I got in?

Larry: Can anyone explain to me why someone's got to make a profit every time you boil a kettle, every time your kid has a drink of water or every time a pensioner has a warm by a gas fire?

Larry: You're lucky. You got Melanie. There are men who'd die for her.

Peter McGowan: Yeah, die for her, or have her kill you. Either way, you're dead.

Larry: Still having trouble satiating, are we?

Peter McGowan: I think the doorbell's heard my wife shout "I'm coming" more than I have these days.

[Larry is dressed as a priest]

Peter McGowan: Can I have a valediction, father?

Larry: Say four Goly Fuck You's and keep drinking.

Peter McGowan: Are you drunk or something?

Larry: What time is it?

Peter McGowan: Four.

Larry: Yep.

Larry: This is just his way, Peter. He's like a buzzard circling. They spend a lot of time circling, and then finally they land.

Peter McGowan: When it's *dead*.

Larry: Bon Appetite motherfucker!

Larry: What are you going to do when Hardin fires us.

[upset about Satan Den's uncertain future]

Larry: Are they looking for second-rate hobgoblins. What, are you a member of the dwarfs' Union or something!

[mockingly stern]

Larry: [as Mike test drives Foxhugh's Fox 5 car on the racetrack] Sure knows how to handle that car!

Les: Well, best driver on any track!

Howard Foxhugh: Yeah, it looks like your plan worked.

Les: Yeah!

Howard Foxhugh: You seem pretty anxious to have Mike drive for me.

Les: Oh, yeah, well the prize money is good.

Larry: You see, Mr. Foxhugh, if we keep him busy driving, he won't have any time for your kid.

[Les kicks Larry in the leg]

Larry: Ow! Hey what did you kick me for?

Howard Foxhugh: Cynthia?

Curly: Yeah, if we don't break this up they're liable to do something terrible like get married.

[Les kicks Curly in the leg]

Curly: Ow! What did you kick me for?

Les: It's nothing to worry about. Cynthia isn't even Mike's type.

Larry: Oh, well sure! Who'd want to marry a gorgeous millionairess?

Curly: Yeah!

Les: Not me.

[Larry and Curly both at once kick Les in the leg. She screams in pain]

Les: Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh!

Larry: Look, man, I got some old titty mags in the can if you wanna blow off some steam.

Vince: Titty mags? Thanks, man. You know, five years practice, I think I'm ready for the real thing.

Larry: How ya doin' there, Vinnie?

Vince: It's like riding a bike all the way back to prison.

Larry: You better get with the program, man. It'll hurt less.

Chuck Barris: How did you find me?

Larry: Chuck, you're a world famous celebrity. Trying to find you is like trying to find a camel in a haystack.

Buddy Evans: I want this baby.

Maggie: Why this baby? Why do you want THIS baby?

Buddy Evans: Because I love it.

Maggie: You can't love anything!

Buddy Evans: I love you... five minutes ago when I smiled, it was the first time I had since you left.

Larry: Aww, isn't this wonderful? I feel like God.

Ida Downs: What do you want us to wear?

Sid Fiddler: Oh, anything that brings out your best... points Miss...?

Ida Downs: Downs, Ida Downs.

Sid Fiddler: Ah, I bet you come from Beds.

Ida Downs: No - Bristol.

Sid Fiddler: I should have guessed.

Ida Downs: I've got a rather smashing two-piece swimsuit.

Sid Fiddler: Great - just wear one piece of that!

Ida Downs: Will they publish pictures like that?

Larry: Not in my paper!

Larry: You mean to tell me that God made two of you?

Ellie: God had nothing to do with it, darling.

Larry: Alice, tell me something true.

Alice: Lying's the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off - but it's better if you do.

Dan: I want Anna back.

Larry: She's made her choice.

Dan: I owe you an apology. I fell in love with her. My intention was not to make you suffer.

Larry: So where's the apology? Ya cunt.

Dan: I apologize. If you love her you'll let her go so she can be happy.

Larry: She doesn't want to be happy.

Dan: Everybody wants to be happy.

Larry: Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.

Anna: We do everything that people who have sex do!

Larry: Do you enjoy sucking him off?

Anna: Yes!

Larry: You like his cock?

Anna: I love it!

Larry: You like him coming in your face?

Anna: Yes!

Larry: What does it taste like?

Anna: It tastes like you but sweeter!

Larry: That's the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Now fuck off and die, you fucked up slag.

Larry: What does your cunt taste like?

Alice: Heaven.

Larry: [on a photography exhibit] What do you think?

Alice: It's a lie. It's a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully, and... all the glittering assholes who appreciate art say it's beautiful 'cause that's what they wanna see. But the people in the photos are sad, and alone... But the pictures make the world seem beautiful, so... the exhibition is reassuring which makes it a lie, and everyone loves a big fat lie.

Larry: I'm the big fat liar's boyfriend.

Alice: Bastard!

Alice: I'm not a whore.

Larry: I wouldn't pay.

Dan: You think love is simple. You think the heart is like a diagram.

Larry: Have you ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist, wrapped in blood! Go fuck yourself! You writer! You liar!

Anna: I'm sorry you're...

Larry: Don't say it! Don't you fucking say you're too good for me. I am, but don't say it.

Larry: Is he a good fuck?

Anna: Don't do this.

Larry: Just answer the question! Is he good?

Anna: Yes.

Larry: Better than me?

Anna: Different.

Larry: Better?

Anna: Gentler.

Larry: What does that mean?

Anna: You know what it means.

Larry: Tell me!

Anna: No.

Larry: I treat you like a whore?

Anna: Sometimes.

Larry: Why would that be?

Larry: I want you to tell me your name. Please.

[throws down a note]

Alice: Thank you. My name is Jane.

Larry: Your real name.

[throws down another note]

Alice: Thank you. My real name is Jane.

Larry: Careful.

[throws down another note]

Alice: Thank you. Still Jane.

Larry: I've about got another 500 quid here. Why don't I just give you all this money, and you tell me what your real name is, Alice.

[throws down the rest of his money]

Alice: I promise.

[picks up some of the money]

Alice: Thank you. My real name... is plain... Jane Jones.

Larry: You shouldn't smoke.

Alice: Fuck off.

Larry: I'm a doctor. I'm supposed to say things like that.

Anna: Why is the sex so important?

Larry: Because I'm a fucking caveman!

Larry: So Anna tell me your bloke wrote a book. Any good?

Alice: Of course.

Larry: It's about you isn't it?

Alice: Some of me.

Larry: Oh? What did he leave out?

Alice: The truth.

Larry: Of course she enjoyed it. As you know, she loves a guilty fuck.

Larry: Dan, I lied to you. I did fuck Alice. Sorry for telling you. I'm just not big enough to forgive you, Buster.

Larry: You don't know the first thing about love, because you don't understand compromise.

Larry: I know who you are. I love you. I love everything about you that hurts.

Dan: You love her like a dog loves its owner.

Larry: And the owner loves the dog for so doing.

Dan: You'll hurt her. You'll never forgive her.

Larry: Of course I'll forgive her. I *have* forgiven her. Without forgiveness we're savages. You're drowning.

Larry: I used to come here a million years ago, when it was a punk club. The stage was... Everything is a version of something else. Twenty years ago. How old were you?

Alice: Four.

Larry: Christ. When I was in flares, you were in nappies.

Alice: My nappies were flared.

Larry: You're seeing him now? Since when?

Anna: Since my opening last year.

[pause]

Anna: I'm disgusting.

Larry: You're phenomenal. You're so clever.

Larry: Dan...

Dan: Yes?

Larry: I lied to you, I did fuck Alice.

Larry: There's a girl out there who calls herself Venus, what's her real name?

Alice: Pluto.

Larry: Why didn't you just tell me the second I walked through the door?

Anna: I was scared.

Larry: You're a coward, you spoiled bitch.

Larry: Are you dressed because you thought I might hit you? What do you think I am?

Anna: I've been hit before.

Larry: Not by me!

Larry: What would happen if I touched you now?

Alice: I would call security.

Larry: And what would they do?

Alice: They would ask you to leave and ask you not to come back.

Larry: And if I refused to leave?

Alice: They would remove you. Those are security cameras in the ceiling.

Larry: I think it's best I don't attempt to touch you. I'd like to touch you. Later.

Larry: I'll pay you.

Alice: I don't need your money.

Larry: You have my money.

Alice: Thank you.

Larry: I'm Larry, the doctor.

Anna: Hello, doctor Larry.

Larry: Feel free to call me The Sultan.

Larry: A good fight is never clean.

Larry: Yes, I saw her naked. No, I did not fuck her.

Larry: [speaking to Anna] You'd be my whore. And in return I will pay you with your liberty.

Larry: You still pissing about on the Net?

Dan: Not recently.

Larry: I wanted to kill you.

Dan: I thought you wanted to fuck me.

Larry: Don't get lippy. I liked your book, by the way.

Dan: Thanks.

[Sniffs]

Dan: You stand alone.

Alice: Do you want one?

Larry: No. Yes. No. Fuck it, yes!

Larry: [takes the pack] No. I've given up.

Larry: But we're happy... Aren't we?

[as Alice strips for Larry]

Larry: Are you flirting with me?

Alice: Maybe.

Larry: Are you allowed to flirt with me?

Alice: Sure.

Larry: Really?

Alice: No, I'm not. I'm breaking all the rules.

Larry: You're mocking me!

Alice: Yes, I'm allowed to flirt.

Larry: Did you do it here?

Anna: No.

Larry: Why not?

Anna: Do you wish we did?

Larry: Just tell me the truth.

Anna: Yes, we did it here.

Larry: Where?

Anna: [points] There.

Larry: On this? We had our first fuck on this. Did you think of me?

Anna: Why are you dressed?

Larry: Because I think you may be about to leave me and I didn't want to be wearing a dressing gown.

Larry: And on some small level, I think you owe me something for deceiving me so exquisitely.

Larry: As dermatological conferences go, it was a riot.

Alice: So you're Anna's boyfriend.

Larry: A princess *can* kiss a toad.

Alice: Frog.

Larry: Toad.

Alice: Frog.

Larry: Toad. Frog. Lobster. They're all the same.

Larry: So... you're a stripper.

Alice: Yeah... and?

Larry: [Larry leans in to kiss her, then he stops and begins to walk away] You take care now.

Larry: Are you leaving me? Because of this? Why?

Anna: Dan.

Larry: Cupid? He's our joke.

Larry: You think because you don't love us, or desire us, or even like us, you think you've won.

Alice: It's not a war.

Larry: [about Alice] She has the moronic of beauty of youth, but she's sly.

Larry: You're mocking me.

Alice: Yes I'm allowed to flirt.

Larry: To prise my money from me.

Alice: To prise your money from you I may do or say as I please.

Larry: Except touch?

Alice: We're not allowed to touch.

Larry: You forget you're dealing with a clinical observer of the human carnival.

Anna: Am I, now?

Larry: Oh, yes.

Anna: You seem more like the cat that got the cream, you can stop licking yourself.

Larry: He's a stringy fucker.

[each commenting on the other's lover]

Larry: He's very pretty.

Alice: She's... very tall.

Larry: Everyone needs looking after.

Larry: Hey, how much longer are you gonna stay in my hotel?

Ben Thomas: Motel.

Larry: How much longer?

Ben Thomas: Actually, I was planning on dying here.

Larry: Well, then you need to pay in advance.

Ben Thomas: I was planning on dying here.

Larry: Then you'll have to pay in advance!

[Larry tells Bones that Bully is running everything]

Larry: Things ain't like it used to be, man. Bully running everything now. You're a dead motherfucker. You know he caught that boy up there on Saint Mary's, that little Chinese boy? Cut his goddamn lips off with a pair of scissors. You think that motherfucker looked funny in the beginning? You ought to see him now, Bones. No more copper. No more you, Bones.

Sarah Tobias: [Larry tries to kiss Sarah] Stop! Stop!

Larry: When are you going to get over this? Because it's getting really boring!

Sarah Tobias: Get out!

Larry: Fine. I'll be back in a couple of hours.

Sarah Tobias: No. This is my house, and I don't want you in it. Get out!

Larry: Hey, listen to this. The other day I was driving down the highway, had the air-conditioner on, smoking my stogies, listening to some tunes, and this big fat crow lands on a billboard. Biggest, fattest crow I ever saw in my life. And I fix on him, and he dropped dead - boom, in the sand. Damndest thing I ever saw. Kind of made me sick. In fact, it made me poop. It made me poop my pants. It was about a four-inch, bell-shaped fece, very hard, very firm. Things haven't been going too good for me.

Larry: I guess we will see you in the movies, Tonto.

Larry: Sometimes everything's a clue, and what you think is paranoia is actually heightened awareness.

[Kelley, Allison, and Larry are playing "Screw, Marry, Kill"]

Kelley Winters: Eddie Redmayne, Alex Pettyfer, Miles Teller.

Allison: Who's Eddie Redmayne?

Larry: Are you serious? The guy who played Stephen Hawking.

Allison: Okay, well, I can't *screw* him.

[Kelley and Larry look at her in confusion]

Allison: He's in a wheelchair!

Larry: Don't be a bitch, Allison; it's contagious.

Allison: I'm not being a bitch. I am hungover.

Larry: Don't you know the combination, Sheila?

Sheila: I knew it when I was in front!

Mike Cass: How many jobs are there?

Larry: 4 and 4.

Judy Monroe: 44?

Sheila: No, 4 *and* 4.

Larry: 4 boys, 4 girls.

Sheila: Need any women?

Larry: You're doing fine, just bring it down a bit.

Richie Walters: A bit? Okay!

Connie: Tapping's not my strongest point!

Larry: I see that.

Larry: Yes, he is my friend and I love him. But, he's a prig. He's cold and he's stuffy. Can't you see that?

Pete Sandich: [starved for petrol, the #2 engine dies] Tanker 57 to tanker base. I've got a small inconvenience here.

Larry: Talk to me Pete.

Pete Sandich: I may have overestimated my fuel just a tad, but I can see the base from here and my right engine is fine, so I don't think there's going to be any...

[right engine splutters]

Pete Sandich: ... problem.

Larry: Pete, what do you need? What do you need?

Pete Sandich: [#1 engine finishes sputtering to a stop] Glider practice.

Larry: [rings the crash alarm and announces over the PA] We've got a situation here. We've got a flier coming in dead stick.

Pete Sandich: [sound of the feathered propellers turning feebly and air rushing past as the plane sinks towards the ground. Pete's transmission is broadcast over the tanker base PA] This is good. I was rusty on panic. OK, no problem, I've got the airport in sight, I've got a nice little headwind here...

[whistles Garry Owen, the theme of the 7th Cavalry as he glides towards the base. The altimetre shows his sink rate while descends from 1,275 feet as trees rush past below him. The headwind shifts to a tailwind then dies and Pete's whistling fades when the plane staggers as it loses lift from the headwind]

Larry: I wonder where we are.

Schuyler Davis: Maybe the sign will tell us.

[the sign is written entirely in Greek letters. Curly-Joe and Larry try to sound it out]

Larry: [laughs] You know, I...

Moe: I'll smash the first guy who says it's all Greek to me.

Larry: [waves a thumb at Curly-Joe] Well, it's all Greek to him.

Larry: Hey, Moe's got pretty good rhythm, eh?

Larry: [a vicious, bloody boxing match is on TV] Is this upsetting you?

Julia: I've seen worse.

Sharon: Who are these women? Why aren't they dressed?

Larry: They are dressed, they're just dressed scantily!

Larry: This has all natural ingredients, so just shut up and smoke!

[first lines]

Larry: Señora Lunchinski, forgive me for writing to you when we do not know each other. Like so many people who live on this island, I came from another country to find a new beginning. To put myself on the map. One of the forces that drew me was the extraordinary power of your late husband's music. It's a tragedy that there's never been a celebration of his work here on the island. What I'm proposing is a magnificent and unusual concert. We all have our passions, which are so intense to ourselves, but seem insignificant to others. It would mean so much of you would listen to my proposal, and perhaps share my dream.

Moose: Get the wrench!

Curly: Wrench?

Larry: Monkey!

Curly: Don't be poisanal!

Brandon: We are not the robots!

Mikhail: I thought that's what we were going for man, a robot punk band from the 24th century.

Larry: I thought it was the 25th century.

Mikhail, Larry, Neumann: Yea, 25th. From what planet though?

Brandon: Guys, we are a chronos punk band, a scifi and sex punk band from the 21st century on planet earth!

Neumann: Or your anus.

Larry: Or her anus.

Mikhail: Or his anus.

Larry: You don't suppose there is any truth to the rumor that Chinamen eat dogs?

Blondie: Oh, I hadn't heard that.

Larry: Well, there couldn't be any possible connection between, eh, chow mein and chow dogs.

Larry: I gotta get a girl for Murchenson. He's big business. All the oil in Oklahoma.

Larry: Come here! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it. Who do you think you are?

Blondie: What do you think you are?

Larry: Mussolini.

Larry: What you need is a drink!

Blondie: I don't drink.

Larry: Smoke?

Blondie: No!

Larry: Stay out late nights?

Blondie: No.

Larry: Like the boys?

Blondie: No!

Larry: Do you eat?

Blondie: Yes.

Larry: That's all right. I'll take you out to dinner.

Blondie: Oh, you're fresh!

Lottie: Blondie, what on earth made you fly away like that? Like a veritable sky rocket.

Blondie: Lottie, you're a scream. Doesn't she make you laugh?

Larry: Yes, she does.

Blondie: She was always like that. Even in the store. Just out of nowhere she'd get so hotsy-totsy. Even the customers would laugh.

Larry: Cute

Murchenson: Yes, I like blondes.

Blondie: Say, how much do they pay those girls to be in the show? Huh?

Larry: Oh, about 50, 60, 70 dollars a week.

Blondie: Do you think you could fix it up for me?

Larry: I'll meet you over in the Speak.

Blondie: Where are we going?

Larry: I know a nice, quiet, little Speakeasy; where they have soft music, soft lights, and hard liquor.

Blondie: Ha-cha!

Larry: You're a darling.

[Leans down and kisses Blondie]

Blondie: Don't Mister. If you don't mean it.

Blondie: My sister, you know, she's married to my brother-in-law.

Larry: Oh, what does he do?

Blondie: Oh, well, he doesn't like to work. He's very sensitive. He says work gets on his nerves. He'd like to be an adventurer, he says.

Larry: I'm not intoxicated. I'm just a little bit tight.

Blondie: It will be a lucky girl who gets you seriously.

Larry: The lady who did get me seriously, turned out to be very lucky.

Blondie: And who was that?

Larry: Well, if this isn't a palace of luck in a circus, I don't know what is. Step up boys and girls and take your chance on the bigger life!

Lottie: It looks like old home week.

Blondie: Won't you sit down, Lurlene. Larry has to hurry.

Lottie: Now that I'm here, its a wonder he doesn't jump right through the window.

Larry: I'm saving that for when the market reaches the bottom.

Larry: This big gay life isn't all that its cracked up to be, is it?

Larry: What do your doctors say?

Blondie: What do doctors say? They look you over. They smile. They hurt you and shake their heads. They're non-committal. I think that's what the word is, isn't it?

Larry: Mr. Niblo, this is the little lady I was speaking to you about.

Fred Niblo: Oh, this is the little country flower. Oh, that's charming. Very charming, in deed. Won't you stand up, my dear, let me look at you. - - Oh, very nice! Very nice, in deed, Miss...

Elvira: Plunkett.

Fred Niblo: Miss Plunkett.

Elvira: And, eh, this is my mother, Mr. Niblo.

Fred Niblo: Oh, how do you do, Mrs...

Ma: Plunkett too.

Fred Niblo: Oh, two Plunketts. Charming.

Larry: I was going to ask you to come up to my apartment. You see, the phonograph company has just sent me a record of my new song. And I wanted very much to have you hear it.

Elvira: Up to your apartment? Well, I don't know. Do you think it will be all right?

Larry: Oh, perfectly all right. Yes, of course. Come on. Come on, let's hurry.

Larry: You think I'm a scum, don't you?

Elmer Butts: Well, what do you think?

Larry: Well, I'll be hornswoggled!

Larry: What's your name?

Joan: Oh, you wouldn't like it, really. It's an ugly name.

Larry: So long as it ain't horse radish, I'll like it all right.

Larry: We are different, Montana. Me and you - are different as - as velvet and cactus.

Joan: Not so different. Just a boy and a girl.

Larry: [Introducing Joan, aka "Montana"] Fellas, I want to introduce you to Mrs. Larry Kerrigan.

Hank: Why, I'm a monkey's grandpa!

Froggy: Boy, you sure did pick out a nice bit of sugar. That's about the sweetest Mama I ever did see on these prairies.

Joan: Larry, you don't understand. They're my friends! Well, they're all ladies and gentlemen.

Larry: Gentlemen? They ain't a man among 'em.

Joan: Larry!

Larry: They're nothin' but a bunch a low down, double-crossin' critters - as poisonous as a nest of measly rattlers! They ain't a one of 'em fit to even talk to ya or look at ya - let alone dance with ya.

Mr.Prescott: My boy, why don't you have a talk with her? We all make mistakes.

Larry: That's just it. I made the mistake. I'm a sayin' I shouldn't 've gone and put a western saddle on a New York thoroughbred - unless I was mighty careful that the saddle fit mighty comfortable like.

Larry: Would it be different if we were normal?

Tom: Don't... Don't use that word!

[upon meeting a talking unicorn]

Larry: Ain't he quaint?

Moe: "Ain't"? The word is "isn't"!

Larry: Isn't he quisn't?

Larry: [French girl is stolen away] Why didn't I learn French instead of Latin? Ooo, a Latin...

Larry: Look, I'm a minor. And the worse thing that can happen to a minor is juvenile probation which is just like Mr. Lang said.

Larry: There ain't nothin' in the wagon but a dead man.

[leaping up from a half-dug grave]

Dan Tomlinson aka Will Sabre: That's right - dead one's in the wagon and the live one's here in the grave.

Larry: The boys say you're either with us or you're dead, Sabre.

Dunston: Think it over, Sabre - you got thirty days. We'll find you wherever you are.

Shemp: He's got horse sense.

Larry: Too bad you ain't a horse.

Moe: What do you want to insult the horse for?

Ginny: You remember that movie where the ten strangers went to an island, and then they all died, one by one? And then it turned out they weren't strangers, that they all had a connection.

Larry: And you don't mess with the wrong guy when he's gettin' revenge!

Rhodes: Shut up!

Ginny: I'm just saying that maybe's there some connection between all of us.

Ed: Like what?

Larry: We're all in Nevada.

Rhodes: Shut up!

Larry: It's your birthday next week? It's my birthday next week. The 10th.

Paris: Me too.

Rhodes: Me too.

Ed: Yeah.

Rhodes: There's a dead body in your freezer, Larry!

Larry: I didn't kill him. I found him like that!

Rhodes: Oh, stop it!

Larry: No, wait! Please, listen! Listen! Listen, I was in Vegas last month and I lost everything, okay? Everything! And I was driving West. I didn't know where I was going, but I was running on empty so I pulled in here at this place. And there was no one at the station, so I came over to the office and I walked in. And there, sitting at that desk right there, was the manager, face down in a Banquet potpie, dead. Heart attack or something.

Rhodes: Banquet potpie. Banquet potpie!

Larry: I don't know. He'd been sitting there for God knows how long. All of a sudden, this auto parts salesman pulls up looking for a room. I didn't have a fucking dime, so I took his thirty and gave him one. I just took the key from the wall him a room. Maybe that was wrong, but I was broke and that's what I did. Then I came back in here and I moved Larry's body. His name was Larry too. I put him in the freezer. I wasn't trying to hide him. It was hot out, and I thought it was the best place for him till his family or someone came along. Only no one did, except more guests. So I checked them in too, and they all seemed happy so I just stayed.

Ed: Hey, what the hell are you doing?

Rhodes: There's something in there.

Ed: Use this, man.

[gives Rhodes a fabric softener sheet]

Rhodes: Thanks.

Larry: You a cop?

Ed: I was.

Rhodes: [reaches into dryer and pulls out a room #10 key, then says softly:] What?

Ed: She was in room 10?

Rhodes: *I* am.

Ed: Where's your guy?

Rhodes: He's cuffed to a toilet.

Paris: Where in Florida Larry? Where in Florida?

Larry: Polk County.

Paris: That's where I was born. Which town?

Larry: Mulberry.

Paris: [points to herself] Frostproof.

Larry: No wonder you left.

Larry: Hey, Ed? I don't know if I'm comfortable with guard duty, per se.

Ed: He's unconscious, Larry. He's tied to a post.

Larry: [nervously looks for something to lock the diner fridge with] Shit!

Robert Maine: [taunts] What's wrong, buddy? What do you got in the fridge?

Larry: You shut up.

Robert Maine: What's in there? What's in there? What do you got in there?

Larry: Shut up.

Robert Maine: What is it, huh?

Larry: Shut up.

Robert Maine: Come on, you can tell me. I'm good at keeping secrets. I got a whopper myself.

Larry: [Suzanne steps into motel lobby] Hey... didn't you used to be that actress?

Caroline Suzanne: [Glares, dumbfounded, exhausted] Yes.

Larry: I'm sor- we don't rent rooms by the hour.

Paris: [Sarcastic] Oh. Funny.

George York: [carrying in an injured Alice] She won't stop bleeding. She won't stop bleeding.

Larry: Jesus. What happened?

George York: It was an accident. We had an accident.

Larry: Are you a police officer or in any way affiliated with law enforcement?

Max California: Fuck you Larry.

Larry: Are you a police officer or in any way affiliated with law enforcement?

Tom Welles: Fuck you Larry.

Max California: Mmm, you're getting the moves.