Randy Quotes in Eight Legged Freaks (2002)


Randy Quotes:

  • Larry: Dude, did you piss your pants?

    Bret: Come on, we got to go! We got to get out of here! They're coming!

    Randy: Looks like the only thing going is you, dude!

  • [Wondering what Sheriff Sam Parker is wearing under her pants]

    Larry: What do you think? G-String, or underpants?

    Randy: I'd say under...

  • Randy: She is the sexist sheriff in the whole country!

  • Randy: You want me to drop the hammer?

    [gets thrown onto a parked car by Eve]

  • Cooper: Randy?

    Randy: Whoa, hey!

    Cooper: Penis! Oh my God! Penis!

    Randy: I'm going to get...

  • Randy: I know who you are. You all are wanted.

    Cooper: I am a police officer. Mrs. Riva, she's a federal witness in my protective custody. Everybody in this state is looking for her, dirty cops and the cartel. We need a couple hours to lie low. Now, can you help us with that?

    Randy: I kind of like your smile.

  • Randy: I've seen some crazy shit, man. I was working on an Asian male; head severed off, uh, leg cut off below the knee. I'm telling you, man... He looked kinda like you, man.

    Andrew: Oh, what? Because I'm Asian?

  • [waiting for Sampson and the Preacherman; getting impatient]

    Randy: Damn, they ain't showed yet. I'm going to have to get out of here on my own.

    Pappy: Sit down, boy. Don't you leave this wall. They'll pick your ass up, sure as shit! And I ain't never seen nobody that they picked up come back walking, talking, laughing, or breathing!

  • Joe Brody: Hey, get off, and don't play with a man's bike without asking first.

    Randy: I wasn't really playing. I was just...

    Joe Brody: Yeah, right.

  • Randy: You wear thong underpants?

    Andy: You want us to take our shirts off?

    Randy: Where do you live?

    Andy: Is your mom hot too?

    Randy: Where do you live?

    Andy: What's your address?

    Randy: You like pizza?

  • Andy: Hey babe, you wanna party?

    Girl Entering Party: I'm at a party.

    Randy: You wanna make out with us?

  • Fundraising Girl: Hi. I'm collecting for the underprivileged children of Ecuador. Would you like to help?

    Andy: Not really.

    Randy: We don't have any money.

    Andy: No jobs.

    Randy: You wanna party?

    Fundraising Girl: Um, I'm kind of working right now.

    Andy: When're you done?

    Randy: Yeah, what're you doing after?

    Fundraising Girl: I have a church thing tonight.

    Andy: Kickass! We'll come.

    Randy: Yeah, where is it?

    Andy: Is there gonna be more hot snatch like you there?

    Randy: Do you wear thong underpants?

    Andy: Do you want us to take our shirts off?

    Randy: What color bra are you wearing?

    Andy: Is your mom hot too?

    Randy: Are you into me? Where do you live?

    Andy: What color car do you have?

    Randy: Where do you live?

    Andy: What's your address?

    Randy: Do you want us to come over?

    Andy: Do you like pizza?

    Randy: We've been to a motel.

  • Randy: So where's Felicia?

    Andy: Fel-ate-cha. Yeah.

    Ian: She's in...

    Andy: Fe-lay-cha! You banging her?

    Ian: We're just friends.

    Randy: I'm uncircumcised.

    Girl: Fuck off!

    Randy: Wait, I thought you took her to prom?

    Ian: Yeah, but it was a just-friends kinda thing.

    Randy: You should bang her. We would.

    Andy: Dude, we would bang her so hard.

    Randy: Tell her we'll bang her for you if you're not into it!

    Andy: Yeah. Hard.

    Randy: With our dicks!

    Andy: Yeah, our dicks are huge!

    Randy: You can see them from space!

  • Randy: What's Up?

    Andy: What's Up, what's up?

    Randy: You wanna party?

  • Ian: Where do you guys get the confidence to, like, hit on every girl you see?

    Randy: Cause we're the shit.

    Andy: Yeah, you oughta know that, bitch.

  • Andy: Why dontcha take a picture Ian?

    Randy: Yeah, and post it on total fucking awesomeness dot com!

    Andy: Backslash we rule!

    Randy: Wheredja come up with that?

  • Randy: We were just banging that chick in our car.

    Female Cop: Yea, you mentioned that.

    Andy: Yea, super hard.

  • Randy: [shouting] There are people in the vehicle.

  • Randy: Oh, what's up, what's up?

    Andy: What's up what's up?

  • Ian: Hey, uh, can I ask you guys a question?

    Randy: You just did!

    Ian: Can I ask you guys another question?

    Andy: You just did again!

  • [after being humiliated from Sulley's performance during the Final Challenge in the Scare Games]

    Randy: That's the last time I lose to you, Sullivan!

  • [while trying to find someone to join his team for the Scare Games, Mike spots his Roommate Randy in the Crowd]

    Randy: Excuse me. I'm running a little late.

    Mike Wazowski: Thank Goodness, Randy. My Old Friend, I really need you to be in my team.

    Randy: Sorry Mike. I'm already part of a team.

    [Randy walks out of the crowd, revealing a ROR Jacket that he received after Sulley was kicked out of their team, much to Mike's shock]

    Randy: They really liked my performance in the Final Exam, that they accepted me into their team.

    Johnny: [Calling out] Hey Boggs, over here.

    [Randy walks over to the Rest of the RORS]

    Johnny: Do your thing.

    [Randy turns invisible, leaving only his jacket visible]

    Chet: Woah, where did he go?

  • Randy: Nobody cares about where their energy comes from anymore, all they care about it makin' sure some bird doesn't go extinct or nothin's goin' up in the air from it.

  • Randy: [talking about the 19 miners trapped in the 1920's] Story goes that they went crazy and started killin' each other...

  • Norma White: Ron, dear, didn't Greenwich-Village-people-types go out with the '60s?

    Samantha: That's it! The name: Village People.

    Randy: Well, that's not a bad idea, uh, that's what we are.

    Felipe: That's where we're from.

    Jack Morell: Village People? That's fantastic! Thank you!

    Norma White: Oh, well, it does have a certain charm.

    Samantha: Village People; I can sell that.

  • Samantha: I should have know that you could sing. But when you see someone everyday, you just don't know what they have. I mean, counting out exercise is sort of singing, right?

    Randy: Yeah, I think it is. It's sort of like...


    Randy: Got the back bone connected to the hip bone, and the hip bone connected to the thigh bone, and the thigh bone connected to the leg bone

    [normal voice]

    Randy: How's that? Is that a star or is that a star?

    Samantha: Bing! Tonight it is. Be at my place at eight o'clock. You bring the voice, and I'll bring the food... and the wine.

    Randy: You always were a great hostess, Sam.

    Samantha: Don't be fresh.

  • Randy: [talking on the phone with Samantha] Last night at the dance, my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear.

    Samantha: [screams] Aah!

    Howard: [Her grandparents are startled by the scream] Geez! I hate that rock 'n' roll rubbish!

    Grandpa Fred: Well, I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie.

  • Randy: Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It's bad for your complexion.

  • Samantha: When you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose. Right?

    Randy: That's a cheerful thought.

  • Randy: [Samantha has filled out an "anonymous" sex quiz naming her crush, which has fallen into unknown hands] Jake Ryan? He doesn't even know you exist.

    Samantha: Thank you, that's a very nice thing to say.

    Randy: I'm sorry, but Jake Ryan? He's a Senior, and he's taken. I mean, really taken.

    Samantha: I know. He's supposed to be my ideal.

    Randy: He's ideal for sure, but, forget it.

    Samantha: God, I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me who wrote it. I'd shit twice and die.

  • Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you?

    The Geek: Not if you're gonna insult me.

    Randy: [laughs] Okay.

    The Geek: Shoot.

    Randy: Get the hell outta here.

  • Samantha: [Samantha and Randy are watching Caroline taking a shower in the locker room] It's unbelieveable. I swear to God Caroline Mumford had to flunk about nine grades.

    Randy: Brother's deaf, and everybody in the world worships her. Practically impossible to cut up. She's supposedly real sweet.

    Samantha: And she's going with Jake. Oh, I'm gonna kill myself.

  • Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you?

    The Geek: Not if you're gonna insult me.

    [Randy laughs as does Jimmy and Samantha sitting nearby]

    The Geek: So? Shoot. Out with it.

    Randy: [hard and firm tone] Get the hell out of here!

    The Geek: Hey! Nice manners, babe!

    Jimmy Montrose: She's totally serious, asswipe!

    The Geek: Chill. I'm walking.

  • Billy McMahon: [patrolling retirement community on scooters] How long you been working this territory?

    Randy: Three years. You know, you get to build a relationship with the customer - and then they die.

  • Randy: She calls my junk the Cocoon, makes her feel younger.

  • Randy: Pow!

  • Derek: I have to sell or lease at last 80 helicopters to make my nut. And you... You mess with my nut, Brennan, Randy here is gonna eat your dick.

    Randy: Like Kobayashi.

    Randy: [makes eating noise]

    Derek: I've seen him do it.

    Brennan Huff: You've actually seen him eating a man's penis?

    Derek: It was in international waters, so they couldn't prosecute him. But I saw it.

  • Randy: [to Brennan] I don't know what it is about your face,

    [holds up fist]

    Randy: but I just wanna deliver one of these right in your suck hole.

  • [Napoleon has snuck tator tots out of the lunch room and is eating them during class out of his pants pocket]

    Randy: Napoleon, give me some of your tots.

    Napoleon Dynamite: No, go find your own.

    Randy: Come on, give me some of your tots.

    Napoleon Dynamite: No, I'm freakin' starving! I didn't get to eat *anything* today.

    Randy: [Kicks the pocket with the tots, crushing them]

    Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh! Gross! Freakin' idiot!

  • Randy: Hey, give me 50 cents so I can buy a pop.

    Bullied Kid: I don't have any, Randy.

    Randy: C'mon, I'll pay you back.

    Bullied Kid: I don't have...

    [Randy grabs him by the back of the neck and starts yanking up and down on it]

    Randy: I'll do this to you...

    Bullied Kid: Don't! Stop! Stop! Don't! Ow. Here, here.

    [Randy grabs the money and walks away]

    Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon, who's been watching, walks up to the kid] How's your neck?

    Bullied Kid: Stings.

    Napoleon Dynamite: That's too bad.

    [Napoleon offers him a boondoggle key-chain]

    Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro offers you his protection.

    [Cut to next scene - the bullied kid is taking his bike off a rack and Randy walks up]

    Randy: Hey, let me borrow your bike.

    Bullied Kid: No.

    Randy: C'mon, I'll give you some chips.

    Bullied Kid: No!

    [They continue to struggle over the bike]

    Cholo No. 1Cholo #2: [drive up in their low-rider convertible, that has "Vote 4 Pedro" painted on the door. The driver shakes his head 'no' with a threatening look on his face. Randy gives up and walks away from the kid. The bullied kid smiles]

  • [Randy is crying]

    Rumack: Randy, are you all right?

    Randy: Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared. And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married.

    Rumack: We're going to make it, you've got to believe that.

    [a woman passenger comes in]

    Mrs. Hammen: Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing?

    Rumack: Pretty soon, how are you bearing up?

    Mrs. Hammen: Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But at least I have a husband.

    [Randy cries harder]

  • Randy: Can I get you something?

    Second Jive Dude: 'S'mofo butter layin' me to da' BONE! Jackin' me up... tight me!


    Randy: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

    First Jive Dude: Cutter say 'e can't HANG!


    Jive Lady: Oh, stewardess! I speak jive.

    Randy: Oh, good.

    Jive Lady: He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him.

    Randy: All right. Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?

    Jive Lady: [to the Second Jive Dude] Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da rebound on da med side.


    Second Jive Dude: What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap!


    Jive Lady: Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da help!


    First Jive Dude: Say 'e can't hang, say seven up!

    Jive Lady: Jive-ass dude don't got no brains anyhow! Shiiiiit.


  • Ted Striker: I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force, but this plane has four engines. It's an entirely different kind of flying, altogether.

    RumackRandy: [together] It's an entirely different kind of flying.

  • Fat Coworker: What's Up, Fletcher?

    Fletcher: Your cholesterol, Fatty! Dead man walkin'!

    Randy: Hey, Fletcher!

    Fletcher: Hey! You're not important enough to remember!

    Zit Boy: What'll it be, Fletcher?

    Fletcher: A pock mark, eventually!

    Greta: Mr. Reede?

    Fletcher: Don't ask! For God sake, don't ask!

  • Randy: That techno-rock you guys listen to is gutless.

  • Randy: All right, but when they attack the car, save the radio.

  • Randy: [to Julie after she dumps him] Well fuck you, for sure, like totally!

  • Randy: [shouting over the noise just as the music ends] So, when can I see you again?

    Julie Richman: [embarassed] Gee, Randy... why don't you wait until the end of the evening to say these things?

    Randy: It's how I feel. It's what I want.

    Julie Richman: I'm here with you now.

  • Randy: No one is gonna tell me who I can score with! Now I want this chick, she wants me, so fuck it, we're goin' back.

  • Tommy: [while getting his ticket torn by Randy, who is working as an usher and wearing 3-D glasses] Bitchin'! Is this in 3-D?

    Randy: No, but your face is.

  • [behind the stage curtain at the Valley High junior prom]

    Fred Bailey: Ahh! Stacey! Hey, man, check out Stacey!

    Randy: I don't wanna see Stacey.

    [peeks from behind the curtain in time to see Tommy kiss Julie on the dance floor]

    Randy: Ugh! That's it! Man, I've had it with you, Bailey!

    Fred Bailey: What? I didn't think her haircut was that bad.

    Randy: What do you mean, her haircut? I just want to know what the rest of this grand plan of yours is.

    Fred Bailey: No, man, this is it! Simplicity at its finest.

    Randy: Simplicity at its finest. Well, at least you got us here. So let's...

    Randy and Fred (in unison): ...crush that fly!

  • Randy: Where do you work?

    Julie Richman: At my parents' store.

    Randy: What do they sell?

    Julie Richman: Health foods.

    Randy: That's cool.

    Julie Richman: Like, it's not cool at all! Like, it's all this stuff that tastes like nothing and it's supposed to be so good for you. Why couldn't they, like, open a Pizza Hut or something?

  • Tommy: It appears as though you forgot our French fries and a Coke, fishhead.

    Randy: Oh, well, Peter Piper picked a pepper, I guess I did!

  • Fred Bailey: [warily surveying party food] What you got running here, a bait shop?

    Suzi Brent: Like, it's sushi, don't you know?

    [points at each platter as she identifies them]

    Suzi Brent: Like, this here is tuna, that's flying fish egg, and that's sea urchin.

    Randy: This is pistachio paste, isn't it?

    [picks up a smear of wasabi with a chopstick and eats it; he then watches party guests enjoying the sushi]

    Randy: Dig in, Fred.

    Fred Bailey: [shudders] I think I'll go get something to drink.

  • Fred Bailey: Hey, man. 23727 Sierra Vista.It's a party. It's going to be amazing, I've seen the chicks. I know about these things and I've got a feeling about this. It's going to be hot, I'm telling you. And it's in the valley.

    Randy: What?

    Fred Bailey: The party. it's in the valley.

  • Derek Thompson: I'm the Tooth Fairy.

    Randy: Thought you said you were a vampire. You got some inconsistent mythology.

  • Donna Jensen: I just worry if I really fall in love with Ted, what's going to happen to everything I've worked so hard for?

    Randy: OK, fine, don't fall in love with him.

    Donna Jensen: That's kinda where I'm having the problem.

    Randy: It just takes willpower, is all. I mean, you didn't fall in love with me, did you?

    Donna Jensen: You're gay.

    Randy: But, it still took willpower, didn't it?

  • Randy: Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf.

    The Old Man: All right, I'll get that kid to eat. Where's my screwdriver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in.

  • [overdressed for winter]

    Randy: I can't put my arms down!

    Mother: Well... put your arms down when you get to school.

  • Mother: Randy, how do the little piggies go?

    Randy: [oinks like a pig]

    Mother: That's right. Oink, oink! Now show me how the piggies eat.

    [points to his plate]

    Mother: This is your trough. Show me how the piggies eat. Be a good boy. Show mommy how the piggies eat.

    Randy: [plunges face into mashed potatoes, oinks, eats, and laughs]

    Mother: [laughs] Mommy's little piggie!

  • Mother: Randy? What's wrong? Whatcha cryin' for?

    Randy: Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!

    Mother: No he's not...

    Randy: Yes he is!

    Mother: No, I promise, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie!

  • Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.

    Flick: Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything?

    Schwartz: He knows, because he once saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet, and the fire department had to come get the guy's tongue off the track, because he couldn't get it off.

    Randy: [is trying to catch up] C'mon, guys! Wait up! C'mon, guys! Wait up!

  • Mrs. Parker: Randy, will you eat? There are starving people in China!

    Randy: [groans and shoves spoon into his mouth]

  • Ralphie: Hey Dad! I bet you never guess what I got you for Christmas!

    The Old Man: [staring blissfully into space] A new furnace?

    Ralphie: [chuckling] He he, that's a good one Dad!

    Randy: [lauging] He he he!

    Ralphie as Adult: My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in Northern Indiana.

  • Girl outside Burger Jungle: Like this one time they asked me to go on a double date, and I thought they were 'tards or something...

    [starts crying]

    Girl outside Burger Jungle: ... so I told them to go blow each other.

    Randy: Wow! Did they?

  • Randy: Oh man, I cannot believe you cock-blocked me like that. I thought we were buds!

  • Randy: Idle hands are the devil's playground.

  • Tanya: I feel just awful the way I treated them while they were alive. Like this one time... they asked me if I would like to go on a double date. They didn't want me to bring a girlfriend. They just wanted me and the two of them... together. A sort of threesome. I thought they were 'tards or something...

    [starts crying]

    Tanya: So... I told them to go blow each other.

    Randy: Wow! Did they?

  • Randy: I dreamt about you last night.

    Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Don't use that line, because Boris said he dreamt about me last night, and I really doubt that it's mathematically possible for me to be in two dreams at one time.

  • Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Have you ever heard of Heisenberg's uncertainty principal?

    Randy: I have heard of it, yeah.

    Melodie St. Ann Celestine: The observer influences the experiment. It-it's just like - when my mother makes love to one of the guys she's living with, a certain way, when they're alone. But, when she's in front of the other guy - she does it differently.

    Randy: That, Heisenberg. I had no idea it was so sexual.

  • Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Oh wait, I always carry some Viagra with me.

    Randy: That's okay, I eat a lot of red meat...

  • Mac: Hey, you can handle this report tonight, can't you? I gotta thing I gotta do.

    Randy: It's a blonde thing or a brunette thing?

  • Randy: It looked like it was goin' after the girls.

    Deke: Aw, come on Pancho! You said you sobered up, man!

    Randy: It looked like it was goin' after the girls!

  • Randy: [after making it ashore] I... beat... you. Whatever you are. I beat you!

  • Angel: What's your name anyway?

    Randy: Who me?

    Angel: Yeah you. I know my name.

    Randy: Yeah? What is it?

    Angel: Angel, but don't let the name fool you.

    Randy: Who's fooling who?

    Angel: You're drunk.

    Randy: You're cute.

    Angel: Still haven't told me your name yet.

    Randy: Oh yeah?

    Angel: Yeah.

    Randy: It's Randy. Don't let the name fool you.

  • Randy: I want to talk to you!

    Angel: [sarcastically] Long time, no see. How's Cinder?

    Randy: How much did you make? I know all about it. Why didn't you tell me it was a game? I would've went along with it. I mean, an easy lay is an easy lay, right?

    Angel: I lost. I didn't tell them, get it?

    Randy: You mean, you let yourself lose?

    Angel: Yeah, I'm a loser.

  • Angel: So what do we do now? I don't... I mean, I don't know anything.

    Randy: I don't know. I think I love you.

    Angel: You don't have to, you know.

    Randy: I know.

    Angel: God I feel so lonesome.

  • Angel: You live around here?

    Randy: Who me?

    Angel: Yeah you. I know where I live.

    Randy: I'm from Camp Tomahawk across the lake.

    Angel: [looks at the car Randy came in] So where'd you get the car?

    Randy: The car? I borrowed it.

    Angel: What about the girl?

    Randy: She came with the car.

  • Angel: God, it was so personal! Like you could see right through me.

    Randy: I don't get you man! One minute you're... shit man, make your mind up! I mean, you came on to me. If you wanted to stop, you should've just said so. No big deal. There's plenty of women around here.

    Angel: I'm not a woman... Randy. Making love is... it's... it's... it's different than what I thought it was... gonna be... like.

    Randy: You mean, you never did it before? Christ, why didn't you tell me?

    Angel: I thought it would turn you off. Virgins are weird, right?

  • Randy: I'm just askin' that you stand by your man, like I'm standin' next to you! You know, a lot of guys, man, they woulda said that, "Shucks, man, she took up with them homosexuals. You know, she turned her back on righteousness."

    Dedee: Oh, yeah, but blowing you in the backseat of your car every day after band, that was a stairway to heaven, right?

  • Randy: There's the ten-thousand dollars... well, aren't you gonna count it?

    Mr. Burmeister: Nah.

    Randy: You trust me?

    Mr. Burmeister: No, but I kill people.

  • Randy: You like water?

    Jewel: I love it. It's actually my second favorite thing in the world.

    Randy: Really? And what's your first most?

    Jewel: Fucking.

  • [justifying why he doesn't want to buy a car]

    Randy: Do you know that it's safer to fly then it is to drive a car?

  • Randy: You know I hate math... and English... and History.

  • Randy: I don't want to shock you or anything, but I really want to hold your hand right now. I've been wanting to hold your hand all day.

    Evie: I've held hands with a girl before.

    Randy: With a girl like me?

    Evie: No I guess not. But what's the worst that could happen?

    Randy: We could get the shit kicked out of us is all.

    Evie: Just for holding hands? I don't believe that.

    Randy: God Evie, you are so sheltered.

    Evie: [holding out her hand] Then unshelter me.

  • [after Wendy's husband has grabbed Randy by the neck and threatened her]

    Wendy: I just wanted to say that you-know-who is all brawn and no bite.

    Randy: Thanks for the info.

  • Randy: I'll have a beer.

    Waitress: What kind?

    Randy: A Mick.

    Waitress: A what?

    Randy: A Mick... ya know, Michelob?

    Waitress: You got ID?

    Randy: [pretends to look for ID] Shit, ya know, I must've left it at work.

    Waitress: No ID, no Mick.

    Randy: Alright then, I'll have a cup of joe.

    Waitress: A what?

    [both girls look at her incredulously]

    Waitress: Just kidding, two cups of coffee coming up.

    Randy: Everyone's got to be a kidder.

  • Evie: I know this sounds weird but I just can't put the air in the tires because I think they're going to blow up in my face.

    Randy: Well, actually, you know, tires don't blow up from having air put in them, but um, I'll put some air in it if you want me to.

  • Evie: I'm at my wit's end. I really am. I don't know what to do anymore.

    Randy: Try going out with a married woman.

    Evie: Excuse me?

    Randy: Oh nothing. I just said everybody needs love, that's all.

  • Randy: Some asshole at work called me "sir" again today.

  • Randy: [after admitting she's having a fling with a married woman] You're not weirded out, are you?

    Evie: No. No. Not at all. I mean, why should I be?

    Randy: Well, most people are. At least most people at our school.

    Evie: Well, I'm not most people.

  • Randy: I think proms are stupid.

    Vicky: God, I would've given anything to go to the prom if I had a girlfriend in high school.

    Lena: I went to the prom with a girl.

    Vicky: Going with your sister doesn't count, Lena.

    Lena: She's a good dancer.

    Regina: Don't tell me you wouldn't want to go to the prom with your girlfriend, Randy.

    Randy: First off, I don't have a girlfriend. Second off, I think proms are stupid. And third off, if I went to the prom, I would go with Frank.

    Lena: Frank's a good dancer.

  • Randy: I like poems. I mean, do you like Billie Holiday? I think she's kind of a poet.

  • Randy: You know, I'm depraved on account of I'm deprived.

  • Randy: What's symbiotic mean?

    Evie: It means when you're really, really close to someone. Like, too close. Like um... an infant and its mother.

    Randy: I knew that.

  • Randy: Evie, there's somebody downstairs. Evie! What if it's a murderer or something?

    Evie: [nonchalantly] Okay.

  • Randy: [about Mozart's Requiem] What are they saying?

    Evie: I have no idea. Something in Latin. Isn't it beautiful?

    Randy: How do you know it's beautiful if you can't understand it?

    Evie: You just know.

  • Evie: This is a really great cookbook... Antoine's. It's amazing.

    Randy: Who's Antoine?

    Evie: I don't know.

    Randy: You don't know?

    Evie: No.

    Randy: Why do you have his cookbook?

  • Randy: [Practicing what to say to Evie] Hey, Evie, you wanna meet my weird family and eat organic pasta at my house?

  • Randy: She broke up with me!

    John Person: So you tied her up?

  • Randy: What I learned is that you never take away the thing that somebody else loves.

  • Randy: Oh, yeah, hey, uh, my mom made this casserole and wanted me to bring it over to ya.

    Amy: Oh... well, thank you.

    Randy: Uh-huh. Bounced around in my truck a little bit. Should be okay. It smells like ass but... probably doesn't... taste like it.

  • Randy: You look really pretty when you're sad.

    Amy: You, too.

  • Simon: [after trying Randy's "dirty jock" shot] What the hell was that?

    Brent: Awful.

    Fred: That was Randy's dirty jock.

    Tyler: Yeah, tastes like it.

    Randy: Fuck you bitches. Die of thirst!

  • Salt: You are frightened of the night?

    Randy: Baloney!

    Salt: You are frightened of baloney?

  • Randy: Hey Sandy, want some candy?

    Sandy: Some candy'd be dandy.

    Randy: Hey Candy, want some candy?

    Candy: No candy for me, Randy.

    Andy Jackson: Aw, come on, Candy, have some candy.

    Candy: I said no candy, Andy.

    Andy Jackson: Okay, Candy. I'll have some candy, Randy.

    Randy: Okay, Randy. I'll give you Candy's candy.

    Andy Jackson: Can I also have Mandy's candy?

    Sandy: No, Randy! Don't give Andy Mandy's candy! Give him the candy that's handy!

    Randy: All right, Sandy. So, Andy, what's your favorite candy?

    Andy Jackson: Mints.

  • Randy: When you have your first Big O, you'll know.

  • Randy: You can't win. You know that, don't you? It doesn't matter if you whip us, you'll still be where you were before, at the bottom. And we'll still be the lucky ones at the top with all the breaks. It doesn't matter. Greasers will still be Greasers and Socs will still be Socs. It doesn't matter.

  • Bob Shelton: [the Soc's pull up in there car to find their girls with the greasers] Hey! Cherry! What're you doin'?

    [Cherry glares at him]

    Bob Shelton: Just because we got a title drunk...!

    Cherry: A little? You call reeling and passing out in the streets a little? Bob, I told you, I'm never going out with you when you're drinking again and I mean it!

    Randy: Look, that doesn't mean you can go walkin' the streets with these bums.

    Two Bit: Who you callin' bums, pal?

    Randy: You! Look, Greaser, we got four more of us in the backseat.

    Two Bit: [Two-Bit hands a broken pop bottle to Ponyboy and flips out his switchblade] Then, pity the backseat.

    Randy: If... if you're lookin' for a fight...

    Two Bit: I am lookin' for a fight!

    Randy: C'mon, put the knife down! C'mon!

    Two Bit: C'mon! Right now, right now!

    Cherry: Stop! Stop it! I hate fights, alright? I hate them!

    [to Bob]

    Cherry: We'll go home with you, just give me a minute.

  • Two Bit: [Randy and friends walk up to Two bit and Ponyboy] No jazz before the rumble; you know the rules, Ape Face

    Randy: We know!

    [looks over to Ponyboy]

    Randy: I wanna talk to you.

    Two Bit: Go ahead, I'll keep my eye on him.

    Soc getting teased by Two bit: Speaking about the rumble, pal...

  • Randy: Hey Paul, tell us a joke!

    Paul: Fuck. Damn. Go to Hell. Ass.

  • Lt. Col. Frank Slade: [Randy brings Frank a glass of whiskey] Thank you Randy. You still with Snowqueen Sugar?

    Randy: Snowflake. How come you always get that wrong?

    Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Because it's not important for me to get it right.

  • Randy: You want to know the truth?

    Lt. Col. Frank Slade: You got a handle on that, do you, Randy?

    Randy: He was an asshole before.

    Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Whoo-ah!

    Randy: Now all he is is a blind asshole.

    Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Whoo-ah.

    Randy: Hey, God's a funny guy.

    Lt. Col. Frank Slade: God doth have a sense of humor.

    Randy: Maybe God thinks some people don't deserve to see.

    Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Whoo-ah. Hah!

  • Randy: [Frank and Charlie have arrived unexpected at Frank's brother's house for Thanksgiving. Randy opens the door and the smile on his face disappears] Yes?

    Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Yes! Who is this?

    Randy: It's Randy.

    Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Randy? You new?

    Randy: I'm your nephew.

    Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Hah! Here I am. Your sister's been hoarding me long enough. Tught it's time to spread the riches around.

    Gail: [Comes around the door] Uncle Frank.

    Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Gloria.

    Gail: [upset at having to correct him] Gail.

    Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Of course.

    [enters into the house]

    Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Say "hello" to the potluck party from New York City. Good ol' Uncle Frank and this here with him is Charlie Simms, star halfback of the Baird School football team. They not only beat Exeter and Grotin this year, but Aquinas High School too.

  • Randy: Sharon, it's just a drug. You're in pain. Instead of doing heroin, you're doing God.

  • Randy: [to Louis, who holds a gun] I have a little girl.

    Louis: So what?

    [Louis shoots him]

  • Randy: Sharon, don't you understand what's going on? The world's a disaster. We have no power to make it better. You hate your job; you hate your life; but you want to feel special. Instead of letting me do that, you're rushing off to something that's not even there.

  • Sharon: There has to be something more.

    Randy: Why?

    Sharon: I'm tired of all the pain in my life. I'm tired of feeling empty all the time.

  • Nick: When did Chaz lose his virginity?

    Randy: God, you're one-track-minded.

  • Randy: Doug's been nothing but nice to you. Since when are the rules in a stupid game more important than your friend's feelings. It's never just about the cards or the money. Tell me you get it.

  • Randy: Dad, I need to tell you something. I'm gay.

    Ira Goldman: S'that it?

    Randy: Wait, you knew? Why didn't you tell me?

    Ira Goldman: What, I'm supposed to tell you that you're gay? I think YOU'RE supposed to tell me THAT.

    Randy: Well, you know, you could have've saved me so much agony.

    Ira Goldman: Agony?

    Randy: Discomfort.

    Ira Goldman: So, uh, what prompted this... "confession?"

    Randy: Nick saw pictures of me and Chaz taken in a photo booth.

    Ira Goldman: Nude?

    Randy: Dad!

  • Randy: When you start collecting things, you start thinking you care about stuff. And when they're gone; when they break or someone steals them, you feel like a part of you is gone, too. When you have things and suddenly you don't, it feels like you disappeared. Nothing should make you feel that way... Except when you lose a person

  • Randy: There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex.

    [crowd boos]

    Randy: BIG NO NO! BIG NO NO! Sex equals death, okay? Number two: you can never drink or do drugs.

    [crowd cheers and raises their bottles]

    Randy: The sin factor! It's a sin. It's an extension of number one. And number three: never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, "I'll be right back." Because you won't be back.

    Stu: I'm gettin' another beer, you want one?

    Randy: Yeah, sure.

    Stu: I'll be right back.

    [crowd cheers]

    Randy: See, you push the laws and you end up dead. Okay, I'll see you in the kitchen with a knife.

  • Randy: [Gale, Sid and Randy are looking at Billy's body] Careful. This is the moment when the supposedly dead killer comes back to life, for one last scare.

    [Billy starts to rise]

    Sidney Prescott: [shoots Billy] Not in my movie.

  • Sidney Prescott: [when Randy reveals that he's still alive] Oh, my God. Randy I thought you were dead.

    Randy: I probably should be. I never thought I'd be so happy to be a virgin.

  • Randy: The police are always off track with this shit! If they'd watch Prom Night, they'd save time! There's a formula to it. A very simple formula!

    [yelling in video store]


  • Stu: I wanna see breasts. I wanna see Jamie Lee's breasts. When do we see Jamie Lee's breasts?

    Randy: Breasts? Not until "Trading Places" in 1983. Jamie Lee was always a virgin in horror movies. She didn't show her tits 'til she went legits.

  • Randy: If you were the only suspect in a senseless bloodbath - would you be standing in the horror section?

  • Randy: It's the millennium. Motives are incidental.

  • Randy: Now that Billy tried to mutilate her, do you think Sid would go out with me?

  • Randy: There's always some stupid bullshit reason to kill your girlfriend. That's the beauty of it all! Simplicity! Besides, if it gets too complicated, you lose your target audience.

  • Stu: Because there's no way a girl could have killed them.

    Tatum: That is so sexist. The killer could easily be female. Basic Instinct.

    Randy: That was an ice pick. Not exactly the same thing.

    Stu: Yeah, Casey and Steve were completely hollowed out. Takes a man to do something like that.

    Tatum: Or a man's mentality.

  • Stu: As if.

    Randy: Oh, really, Alicia?

  • Stu: I didn't kill anybody.

    Billy: Nobody said you did.

    Stu: Thanks, buddy!

    Randy: Besides... "Takes a MAN to do something like that!"

    Stu: I ought to gut your ass in a second, kid.

    Randy: [using Jerry Lewis' voice] Tell me something. Did you really put her liver in the mailbox? Because I heard they found her liver in the mailbox next to her spleen and her pancreas.

  • Randy: Listen up. They found Principal Himbry dead. He was gutted and hung from the goal post on the football field.

    Drunk teen: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go over there before they pry him down!

  • Randy: [from the trailer] There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to create a successful sequel. Number one: the body count is always bigger. Number two: the death scenes are always much more elaborate - more blood, more gore - *carnage candy*. And number three: never, ever, under any circumstances, assume the killer is dead.

  • Film Teacher: You could say that what happened in that theatre was a direct result of the movie itself.

    Cici: That is so Moral Majority. You can't blame real life violence on entertainment.

    Film Class Guy #1: Yes you can. Don't you ever watch the news?

    Film Class Guy #2: Hello? The murderer was wearing a ghost mask just like in the movie. It's directly responsible.

    Cici: No, it's not. Movies are not responsible for our actions.

    Mickey: Its a classic case of life, imitating art, imitating life.

    Film Class Mopey Girl: Its not hypothetical, it's not about art. I had biology with that girl. This is reality.

    Randy: Thank you. I agree with you. Let me tell you about reality, Mickey. I lived through this, okay? Life is life. It doesn't imitate anything.

    Mickey: Oh come on Randy, with all due respect, the killer obviously patterned himself after two serial killers who were immortalized on film.

    Film Class Guy #2: Thank you!

    Film Teacher: So, you're suggesting that someone is trying to make a real life sequel?

    Randy: Stab 2? Who would wanna do that? Sequels suck! Oh please, please! By definition alone, sequels are inferior films!

    Mickey: It's bullshit generalization. Many sequels have surpassed their originals.

    Randy: Oh yeah?

    Cici: Name one.

    Film Class Guy #1: Aliens. Far better than the first.

    Cici: Yeah, well, there's no accounting for taste.

    Randy: Thank you. Ridley Scott Rules. Name another.

    Film Class Guy #2: No way. Aliens is a classic. "Get away from her, you bitch!"

    Randy: I believe the line is "Stay away from her, you bitch." This is a film class right?

    Film Class Guy #2: Got you. Whatever. You know what I mean.

    Randy: Name another.

    Mickey: T-2.

    Cici: You got a hard-on for Cameron.

    Randy: A big one.

  • Phone Voice: What's your favorite scary movie?

    Randy: Showgirls. Absolutely frightening. What's yours?

  • Film Class Mopey Girl: So Mr. Originality, how would you make it different?

    Randy: I'd let the geek get the girl.

  • Film Class Guy #1: No way. The first Terminator is historical.

    Randy: Yeah... Sarah Connor. Yes.


    Film Class Guy #2: Alright, alright. House II: The Second Story.

    [class hits him]

    Randy: The entire horror genre was destroyed by sequels.

    Mickey: I got it, by the way. I got it. Godfather Part II.

    Randy: [as Marlon Brando] That's very good. Very good. That's an Oscar winning exception.

  • Phone Voice: Why are you even here Randy? You'll never be the leading man.

    Randy: Fuck you!

    Phone Voice: No matter how hard you try you'll never be the hero and you'll never ever get the girl.

  • Dewey: When did she start smoking?

    Randy: Ever since those nude pictures on the internet.

    Gale: It was just my head, it was Jennifer Aniston's body!

  • Randy: Oh yeah? We'll lets re-direct the moment Mr. I'm So Original. Where's your motivation? Huh? Why copy yourself off of two high school loser ass dickheads? Stu was a pussy ass wet rag. And Billy Loomis? Billy Loomis, what the fuck? Jesus! Talk about a rat looking homo repressed momma's boy! Why not set your goals higher huh? You wanna be one of the big boys! Huh? Manson, Bundie, O.J, Son of...

  • Dewey: Look, Gale's no killer.

    Randy: Ok, all right then, but if she's not a killer, she's a target.

  • Mickey: Empire Strikes Back. Better story, improved effects.

    Randy: Not a sequel, part of a trilogy, completely planned.

  • Randy: Mickey, the freaky Tarantino film student. But if he's a suspect, so am I. Lets move on.

    Dewey: Wait a minute. Maybe you are a suspect.

    Randy: Well if I'm a suspect, you're a suspect.

    Dewey: Good point. Ok, let's move on to...

  • Dewey: Typically, serial killers are white male.

    Randy: That's why it's perfect! It's sort of against the rules but not really. Mrs. Voorhees was a terrific serial killer, and there's always room for Candyman's daughter. She's sweet, she's deadly, she's bad for your teeth.

  • Sydney: 300 people watched. Nobody did anything. They thought it was a publicity for Christ sakes.

    Randy: [Speaking in a British accent humorously] And it would have been a good one too.

    Sydney: It's starting again, Randy.

    Randy: It's not. A lot of shit happens at the movies. People get robbed, shot, maimed, murdered. Movie theaters are very dangerous places to be these days.

    Sydney: [persistent] Yeah, and you are in extreme denial.

    Randy: You should be too. This has nothing to do with us.

    Sydney: [frantic] Randy! A guy in a ghost mask hacked up two people in a movie theater filming our life story.

    Randy: Coincidence?

    Sydney: You know what happened at Woodsboro, Randy. You can't ignore it.

    Randy: [speaking normally now] I know, Sid, and I don't want to go back there again. Can't we just go back to our pseudo-quasi happy existence?

    [Derek, Sydney's boyfriend catches up with them]

    Randy: HELLO DEREK, how you doing?

    Derek: [kisses Sydney] Hi Sid, I heard you weren't in class.

    Sydney: Yeah I know. I skipped it because I couldn't take the "Death to her" looks.

    Derek: Is there anything I could do?

    Sydney: Yeah, do you have any tricks for getting back to a pseudo-quasi happy existence?

    Derek: [thinking decisively] You know? I might just have one for that.

    Randy: Oh yeah, what is that?

    [Derek turns to Sydney, brings her in for a couple romantic kisses while Randy looks away, jealous & embarrassed]

    Sydney: [smiles] That was pretty good.

    [Derek & Sydney walk away]

    Randy: Get a room.

  • Randy: I cannot believe it. They get Tori Spelling to play Sid, and they cast Joe Blow Nobody to play me. At least you get David Schwimmer. I get the guy who drove the stagecoach for one episode of Dr. Quinn!

  • Randy: Sydney, look, it's Gale Weathers.

    Sydney: What?

    Randy: Star of the Gale Weathers press conference. Author of the press conference starring Gale Weathers. Soon to be a major motion picture starring Gale Weathers!

  • Randy: Told ya I'd make a movie someday, huh?

    Sidney: Oh my god.

    Randy: Well, if you're watching this tape, it means as I feared. I did not survive these killings here at Windsor College. And that giving up my virginity to Karen Kolchec at the video store was probably not a good idea.

    Dewey: Karen Kolchec?

    Randy: Yes, Karen Kolchec.

    Dewey: Creepy Karen?

    Randy: Shut up. She's a sweet person, okay? We were working late. We were putting away some videos in the porno section and ya know, shit happens.

    paul: [Knocking in background] Open the door Randy.

    Randy: 15 minutes.

    paul: It's my room too.

    Randy: Paul, 15 minutes. I'm leaving my legacy.

    [knocking continues]

    Randy: 15 minutes Paul. Damn! Anyway, the reason I am here is to help you so that my death will not be in vain; That my life's work will save some other poor soul from getting mutilated. If this killer does come back and he's for real, there are a few things that you gotta remember. Is this simply another sequel? Well if it is, same rules apply. But-here's the critical thing-if you find yourself dealing with an unexpected back story and a preponderance of exposition, then the sequel rules DO NOT apply. Because you are not dealing with a sequel, you are dealing with the concluding chapter of a trilogy.

    Dewey: Trilogy?

    Randy: That's right, it's a rarity in the horror field but it does exist, and it is a force to be reckoned with. Because true trilogies are all about going back to the beginning and discovering something that wasn't true from the get go. Godfather, Jedi, all revealed something that we thought was true that wasn't true. So if it is a trilogy you are dealing with, here are some super trilogy rules: 1. You got a killer who's going to be super human. Stabbing him won't work. Shooting him won't work. Basically in the third one you gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up. 2. Anyone including the main character can die. This means you Syd. I'm sorry. It's the final chapter. It could be fucking 'Reservoir Dogs' by the time this thing is through. Number 3. The past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest. Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you. So in closing, let me say good luck, god speed, and for some of you, I'll see you soon. 'Cause the rules say some of you ain't gonna make it. I didn't, not if you're watching this tape.

  • Geoffrey: Trouble at that mad house

    Casey: [Worried] Where the crazy people live

    Randy: Why would any of them want to break out?

    Geoffrey: [Comically] Maybe to go to the circus!

  • Casey: They really are out tonight

    Randy: [Confused] Who are?

    Casey: The clowns

  • Randy: [Taunting his brother] I bet you want someone to hold your hand

  • Randy: Midnight. A time for something awful. Something evil. Something real, or not? He was too scared to tell. It was that tingly feeling on the back of his neck, that told him, that told him... they, were out there...

    Randy: What did they want? Why were they here? To scare him? To kill him? Alone and helpless. Sure, he had his axe, but what would that really bring him? Just more blood...

    Randy: He knew they would find him. All of them. Their faces, like painted nightmares... Sure as anything real, they would find him. It was as if they were already a part of him. They would always know, where he was hiding...

  • Randy: I'm Randy. I'm an asshole. And possible retarded, so you can take your pick.

  • Randy: Let's go check upstairs.

    John Triton: Well, it sounded like the scream came from down here... Right, let's look upstairs.

  • K.C. Carr: Randy, I don't date skaters.

    Randy: A skater! I ain't no skater, I am a goddamn star!

  • Randy: You bunch of female jock-strappers!

  • [last lines]

    Randy: Where you gonna go?

    Sam: Virginia.

    Randy: What's it like?

    Sam: Sucks.

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