Danny Madigan Quotes in Last Action Hero (1993)

Danny Madigan: You think you are funny, don't you?

Jack Slater: I know I am. I'm the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger.

Danny Madigan: Schwarzenegger!

Jack Slater: Gesundheit.

[after seeing a "Terminator 2" poster with Sylvester Stallone]

Danny Madigan: No. It's not possible!

Jack Slater: What's not possible? The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever!

Danny Madigan: But... that was you! YOU were in that movie!

[a girl close-by hears them]

Video Babe: [to Jack] You were in a movie?

Jack Slater: Yes. It was called "The Girl of My Dreams". It starred you. As a matter of fact, there was this very romantic scene where we had dinner together.

Danny Madigan: I thought I was going to die.

Jack Slater: Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but you're gonna live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer - acne, shaving, premature ejaculation... and your first divorce.

Jack Slater: Kid! Who does the doctor treat?

Danny Madigan: Patients?

Jack Slater: Look at the elbow of my jacket. What is it doing?

Danny Madigan: Wearing thin?

Jack Slater: Bingo!

Danny Madigan: Where are the ordinary, everyday women? They don't exist because this is a movie!

Jack Slater: No, this is California.

[Dead assassin tumbles out of closet after Slater has fired into it without warning]

Danny Madigan: How'd you know there was a guy in there?

Jack Slater: There's always a guy in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.

Benedict: I understand you are interested in drug dealers.

Danny Madigan: [whispering] Jack, that's him, the henchman with the glass eye.

Jack Slater: Sir, are you a henchman?

Benedict: No, I only go as far as lackey. Anything else?

Jack Slater: Yeah, take off your sunglasses.

Benedict: Who's asking?

Jack Slater: [flashes Police badge] The tin man.

Benedict: Well, tin man, suppose you hit the bricks.

Jack Slater: No, they're the wrong color.

Benedict: Are they? Oh dear. Let's change them. Would arterial red suit you?

[points to guard dogs]

Benedict: Make no mistake, they are exceptionally well-trained.

[snaps fingers, dogs form pyramid]

Benedict: I snap my fingers again and some time tomorrow, you emerge from several canine rector. Or you and Toto can return to the land of Oz. Questions?

Jack Slater: Yeah, two of them. Why am I wasting my time with silly putz like you when I could be doing something more dangerous - like rearranging my sock drawer? Two, how exactly are you going to snap your fingers, after I rip off both of your thumbs?

[pause, Benedict reveals smiley-face eye]

Benedict: Have a nice day!

[closing the door, he overhears Danny]

Danny Madigan: He had one with a bulls-eye when he was with your second cousin. He hates his boss, he calls him a "Sicilian schmuck."

Jack Slater: I'll be back! Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?

Danny Madigan: That's what you always say!

Jack Slater: I do?

Dekker: And you promised me you wouldn't tell!

Jack Slater: I didn't.

Dekker: Well, then how did he know?

Danny Madigan: "Jack Slater I".

Dekker: What's winning got to do with this?

Danny Madigan: No. The very first "Jack Slater".

Dekker: [to Jack] You told your dad?

Jack Slater: I didn't tell anybody! I don't even know this kid!

Dekker: Well, he sure seems to know a lot about us.

[Playing "Chicken" riding a bike]

Danny Madigan: This is gonna work. It's a movie, I'm a good guy. This has got to work!

[Danny thinks again]

Danny Madigan: I'm a comedy sidekick. Oh, shit! I'm a comedy sidekick! IT'S NOT GONNA WORK!

Jack Slater: Let's say this is a movie. How many times have you heard someone say, "stay in the car," and the guy doesn't? What happens?

Danny Madigan: He saves the day.

Jack Slater: Or, gets killed!

Ripper: Hey, Jack. What kept you?

Jack Slater: Are you alright, Danny?

Danny Madigan: Yes, sir.

Ripper: You know, I tried to change, Jack. I really tried to do what he told me to do. You know, but I kept hearing that old music. That's how I knew you'd come, Jack. Now lose the piece.

[throws gun off the roof]

Jack Slater: There, it's now it's between you and me. Now let the boy go.

Ripper: Now we've played this number before haven't we, Jack? Let's see, what comes next. You t - you throw the gun away. Right... we did that part.

[mock laughter, puts down axe]

Ripper: Then, you tell me to let the kid go. Ah, I'm getting bored, why don't we just skip to the end?

[throws Danny over the ledge]

[When danny comes home with Jack at 4 a.m]

Danny's mom: Where have you been? The police called. You're not here. You're not there.

Danny Madigan: Mom, I'm sorry, okay. Shh.

Danny's mom: " Okay, shh?" There are 9 million kids out there with guns and that's all you have to say to me? "Okay, shh?" Will you get in here?

Danny Madigan: Mom? You know how you always say you wish I had more friends? Well.

Jack Slater: Hello Mrs. Madigan. Arnold Braunshweiger.

Danny Madigan: OK, I got one. What about this girl right here. She is way too attractive to be working in a video store.

Jack Slater: I agree with you. I think she should be working with us... under cover of course...

Danny Madigan: Chicken it is...

Jack Slater: We're that close in catching him.

Danny Madigan: No, Jack. We're that close to catching pneumonia.

Danny Madigan: [Slater prepares to jump out a window in pursuit of Benedict] Jack, where are you going?

Jack Slater: [referring to Benedict and his ever-changing glass eye] Got to catch the red-eye!

Death: [looking down at a wounded Jack Slater] I was only curious, he's not on any of my lists.

Death: [turns to Danny] but *you* are... Daniel.

Danny Madigan: Now?

Death: No, you die a grandfather...

Danny Madigan: What if staying in the car is what gets me killed?

Jack Slater: There's a gun in the glove compartment.

[watching Jack wipe tar off his face with a paper towel]

Danny Madigan: You know, tar actually sticks to some people.

Danny Madigan: Wait a second. Where you going?

Jack Slater: I'll be back!

[pause]

Jack Slater: Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?

Danny Madigan: That's what you always say?

Jack Slater: I do?

[sigh]

Danny Madigan: Everyone keeps keeps waiting for you to work it in. It's kind of like your calling card.

Jack Slater: Look, you're very clever and the only reason I'm not roaring with laughter is cause someone killed my favorite second cousin and that's a bi...

Danny Madigan: Big mistake.

[Jack looks surprised]

Danny Madigan: That is what you were gonna say, right? Gee, how would I know that?

Jack Slater: No one likes a smart ass.

Danny Madigan: Alright, then shoot me. That's right, take out your gun and shoot me. You're not gonna do it, are you? And do you know why? Because people like you don't shoot kids in movies. Because, believe it or not, Jack, you're the good guy!

Jack Slater: You really believe that you're inside a movie, don't you?

Danny Madigan: Yes!

Jack Slater: Alright, I give you ten minutes to prove it. Then, I shoot you.

Danny Madigan: Benedict! If you harm a hair on her head...

Benedict: Stop!

[Pulls one strand of Whitney's hair, presents it to Danny, and snaps it in two]

Benedict: You were saying?

[Pulls up a chair]

Benedict: Now, I believe it was Sherlock Holmes who said, "If you eliminate all logical solutions to a problem - all illogical solutions, however unlikely, become inevitably true." See, I know that your name is Daniel Madigan. What I don't know is how you know mine?

Danny Madigan: Slater showed me some mugshots. We made your face easy.

Benedict: Daniel Madigan from New York. A long way from home, aren't you. When did you get here?

Danny Madigan: Just.

Benedict: And how do you know what I said on Vivaldi's terrace?

Danny Madigan: I heard it in a recording.

Benedict: Microphones in the statues, are there?

Danny Madigan: You wouldn't believe how many.

Benedict: And the eye I was wearing?

Danny Madigan: I saw it. I saw it in a movie. There were micro-cameras in the statues.

Benedict: I should tell you, that I have killed people smarter and younger than you.

Jack Slater: [sees the portal to the real world] I'm not worried that you're crazy anymore. I'm worried that you're right. But if I go, how do I get back?

Danny Madigan: You can't go through life nitpicking every little thing. Now come on!

[hands him his gun]

Jack Slater: [smiles and agrees] The hell with it.

Jack Slater: [listening to the radio] Can you turn this up, please? What's that?

Irene Madigan: Mozart.

Jack Slater: [to Danny] The guy who Practice killed?

Danny Madigan: That's right, Jack.

Irene Madigan: You like classical music?

Jack Slater: I don't know. I think I will.

[smiles]

Jack Slater: Wow.

Danny Madigan: I mean, where are the ordinary everyday women? They don't exist because *this* is a *movie*.

Jack Slater: No, this is California.

[Danny Madigan is watching the bad guys on the screen]

Danny Madigan: You are gonna pay... Oooh, you gonna pay!

Jack Slater: Who the hell are you?

Danny Madigan: Don't shoot me. I'm Danny Madigan. I'm a kid.

[Danny Madigan was just kissed by Whitney Slater]

Danny Madigan: From now on it's all gonna be downhill...

Jack Slater: Is this the day you were talking about saving?

Danny Madigan: Don't see *you* doing anything.

Jack Slater: I wouldn't wanna steal your thunder.

Nick: Could I have the ticket back, please?

Danny Madigan: Well, um, we've got this one little... um, hiccup.

Nick: What do you mean "hiccup?"

Danny Madigan: Benedict's here too and he's got the ticket.

Nick: That madman with the glass eye?

[turns to Jack]

Nick: How the hell are you gonna get back?

Jack Slater: That's a good question. But wouldn't want to "nitpick." Right, Danny?

Jack Slater: [after punching through a car window] My hand. It really hurts.

Danny Madigan: Things work different here. You can't smash a car window with your bare hand and not have it hurt.

Jack Slater: Thanks for sharing. Couldn't you have told me this earlier?

Danny Madigan: Watch it, Jack. He killed Mozart.

Jack Slater: In a movie?

Danny Madigan: Amadeus. It won eight Oscars.

Jack Slater: I saved his life in 'Nam. I'll make sure to be on the lookout. Thanks. Now, no more movies!

Danny Madigan: Wait! I can prove this is a movie!

Dekker: Who the hell are you, kid?

Danny Madigan: Look out there, there's a cartoon cat.

Jack Slater: He's supposed to be back on duty. He was only suspended for a month. Now shut up.

Danny Madigan: Listen to what I'm saying. An animated cat just walked into the squad room. Hello.

Jack Slater: He'll do it again tomorrow. So what's your point?

Dekker: That cat is one the best men I got.

Jack Slater: Yeah.

Dekker: Now who is this twerp? And why is that smile on his face?

Danny Madigan: I just love the way you two fight knowing how you really feel about each other.

Dekker: Pray tell, just tell me how I feel about this weird-looking sack of puppy poo.

Danny Madigan: Say this.

Jack Slater: Hey, grow up.

Danny Madigan: Just say this one word.

Jack Slater: Is this another one of your movie proofs?

Danny Madigan: Maybe.

Jack Slater: Kid... I don't want to say it.

Danny Madigan: Say what? You can't. You can't possibly say it because this movie is PG-13. Admit it.

Irene Madigan: Why didn't you tell me Jack was a cop and why didn't you tell me that you spent the whole night at the police station looking at mug shots? You could have taken two minutes to call your mother.

Jack Slater: Why didn't you tell me you had no friends? And what is this business about going to the movies at midnight when you knew your mother would be worried?

Danny Madigan: Mom... You turned him into a wimp.

Irene Madigan: Oh... I think not.

Danny Madigan: The house looked European, like maybe if you get a postcard from Italy or something. Like that one. In fact, just like that one! The bad guys are in there!

Jack Slater: You know something? I think you should be wearing this.

Danny Madigan: I don't think I've earned it yet.

Jack Slater: You don't understand. You just solved the entire case. you just revolutionized the entire history of police training. I mean all these years at the academy, studying human character, psyche of the terrorists, fingerprint analysis, all the courses that I've taken in surveillance, hostage negotiation, and criminal psychology, when all I have to do is drive around the neighborhood, point my finger at a house, and say, "the bad guys are in there!"?

Danny Madigan: You think you're funny, don't you?

Jack Slater: I know I am. I'm the famous comedian, Arnold Braunschweiger.

Jack Slater: Schwarzenegger!

Jack Slater: Gesundheit.

Danny Madigan: The house looked European, like maybe if you get a postcard from Italy or something. Like that one. In fact, just like that one! The bad guys are in there!

Jack Slater: You know something? I think you should be wearing this.

Danny Madigan: I don't think I've earned it yet.

Jack Slater: You don't understand. You just solved the entire case. you just revolutionized the entire history of police training. I mean all these years at the academy, studying human character, psyche of the terrorists, fingerprint analysis, all the courses that I've taken in surveillance, hostage negotiation, and criminal psychology, when all I have to do is drive around the neighborhood, point my finger at a house, and say, "the bad guys are in there!"?

Danny Madigan: You think you're funny, don't you?

Jack Slater: I know I am. I'm the famous comedian, Arnold Braunschweiger.

Danny Madigan: Schwarzenegger!

Jack Slater: Gesundheit.

[repeated line]

Danny Madigan: This is a movie!