Craig Schwartz Quotes in Being John Malkovich (1999)

Craig Schwartz: You don't know how lucky you are being a monkey. Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues.

Craig Schwartz: There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It's a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes... and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out... into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.

Maxine: Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich?

Craig Schwartz: Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great American actors of the 20th century.

Maxine: Oh yeah? What's he been in?

Craig Schwartz: Lots of things. That jewel thief movie, for example. He's very well respected. Anyway, the point is... this is a very odd thing. It's supernatural, for lack of a better word. I mean, it raises all sorts of philosophical-type questions, you know... about the nature of self, about the existence of a soul. You know, am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? I had a piece of wood in my hand Maxine. I don't have it any more. Where is it? Did it disappear? How could that be? Is it still in Malkovich's head? I don't know! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't see how I could go on living my life the way I've lived it before.

[Maxine gestures toward a 7.5 story high window]

John Malkovich: This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God.

Craig Schwartz: With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood.

John Malkovich: It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court!

[Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike]

Craig Schwartz: [calling after him] And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?

Floris: Welcome to Lestercorp. How may we meet your filing needs?

Craig Schwartz: No, no. Um... my name's Craig Schwartz. I have an interview with Dr. Lester.

Floris: Oh. Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez.

Craig Schwartz: Schwartz.

Floris: Pardon?

Craig Schwartz: Schwartz.

Floris: I- I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're saying to me right now.

Craig Schwartz: My name is Schwartz.

Floris: "My name is Warts"?

[Craig takes a seat]

Floris: [intercom beeps] Mr. Juarez?

[Craig doesn't respond at first]

Craig Schwartz: Oh. Yes?

Floris: Chest?

Craig Schwartz: I said, "Yes?"

Floris: You suggest what? I'm sorry I have no time for piddling suggestions from mumbling job applicants. Besides, Dr. Lester will see you now.

Craig Schwartz: Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.

John Malkovich: I have seen a world that NO man should see!

Craig Schwartz: Really? Because for most people it's a rather enjoyable experience.

Craig Schwartz: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like.

Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.

[last lines]

Craig Schwartz: [voiceover] Maxine. Maxine, I love you, Maxine. Oh, look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away.

Craig Schwartz: You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!

[During a job interview]

Dr. Lester: Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one?

Craig Schwartz: The symbol on the left is not a letter, sir?

Dr. Lester: Damn, you're good. I was trying to trick you.

Dr. Lester: Any questions?

Craig Schwartz: Just one. Why are these ceilings so low?

Dr. Lester: Low overhead, my boy - we pass the savings on to you! But seriously, that'll all be covered in the orientation.

Craig Schwartz: If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight.

Maxine: Why not?

Craig Schwartz: Okay. You look like a... BarrrRuuu - BellllLuuuu - Lllll - Carolllll - Taaaa-Sharrr - - SusaaannnEmmmmilllly - - Marr - laaarr - Maax... ine - M-M-M - Maxine?

Maxine: Yeah! Who told you?

Craig Schwartz: Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?

[Lotte comes home late at night]

Craig Schwartz: You were him, weren't you?

Lotte Schwartz: Yeah.

Craig Schwartz: And he was with her!

Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig.

Craig Schwartz: We?

Lotte Schwartz: John and me.

Craig Schwartz: I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.

Maxine: Yes?

Craig Schwartz: I think maybe you're on to something.

Maxine: And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.

Dr. Lester: Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.

Craig Schwartz: Oh, no.

Dr. Lester: If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your ears.

Craig Schwartz: I wasn't toying with her sir, I wouldn't - pardon me, how old are you, sir?

Dr. Lester: 105. Carrot juice, lots of it. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. I have to piss sitting down like a goddamn girlie-girl every fifteen minutes.

Craig Schwartz: What happens when a man goes through his own portal?

Dr. Lester: Hello, Mr. Juarez.

Craig Schwartz: Dr. Lester, My name is Craig Schwartz, a small mixup with your secretary...

Dr. Lester: [into intercom] Security!

Craig Schwartz: [as Maxine Puppet] Tell me, Craig, why do you like puppetering?

Craig Schwartz: [as Craig Puppet] Well Maxine, I'm not sure exactly. Perhaps the idea of becoming someone else for a little while. Being inside another skin - thinking differently, moving differently, feeling differently.

Craig Schwartz: [as Maxine Puppet] Interesting, Craig...

[first lines]

Lotte Schwartz: Craig, honey, it's time for bed.

[fade out and in]

Orrin Hatch the bird: Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up,

Craig Schwartz: Lotte...

Lotte Schwartz: I'm sorry. I didn't know Orrin Hatch was out of his cage.

Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig.

Craig Schwartz: We?

Lotte Schwartz: John and me.

Craig Schwartz: Don't forget about me!

Lotte Schwartz: Well you have a Maxine action figure to play with!

Woman in Elevator: Seven and a half, right?

Craig Schwartz: Yuh.

Woman in Elevator: I'll take you through it.

Craig Schwartz: Do you know what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?

Craig Schwartz: Can I buy you a drink, Maxine?

Maxine: Are you married?

Craig Schwartz: Yes, but enough about me.

Maxine: Tell me a little about yourself.

Craig Schwartz: Well, I'm a puppeteer...

Maxine: [turns to bartender] Check!

First J.M. Inc. Customer: Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?

Craig Schwartz: Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes.

First J.M. Inc. Customer: Can I be anybody that I wanna be?

Craig Schwartz: Well, you... actually...

Maxine: You can be John Malkovich.

First J.M. Inc. Customer: Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I...

Maxine: Two hundred dollars.

Craig Schwartz: I like you, I don't know what it is about you.

Maxine: My tits?

Craig Schwartz: No! No, no, no.

Maxine: No?

Craig Schwartz: It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself.

Maxine: You're not a fag, are you?

Craig Schwartz: No, I am really attracted to you.

Maxine: "No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling.

Craig Schwartz: No, no, I love your tits, love 'em, I wanna fondle 'em.

Maxine: Great, now we're getting somewhere. Not a chance.

Craig Schwartz: [watching the puppeteer with the giant puppet on TV] Gimmicky bastard!

Craig Schwartz: Hi. Do you know that I don't even know your name, or where you work?

Maxine: Yeah.

Craig Schwartz: [watching the puppeteer with the giant puppet on TV] Gimmicky bastard...

Dr. Lester: Ah to be a young man again, eh, Schwartz? "laughs" maybe then Floris would care for me.

Craig Schwartz: But the elderly have so much to offer, sir. they're our link with history.

Dr. Lester: I don't want to be your goddamn link, damn you.I want to feel Floris' naked thighs next to mine. I want my body to inspire lust in that beautiful complex women. I want her to shiver with a spasm of ecstasy, Schwartz, as I penetrate her...

Craig Schwartz: Dr. Lester, while I'm flattered you would share your feeling with me, perhaps the workplace is not the most suitable environment for this type of discussion.

Dr. Lester: All right, your right. All right I tell you what: Meet me after work today at Jerry's juiceteria on lex, and I'll spill my goddamn guts for you.