John Malkovich Quotes in Being John Malkovich (1999)

Waiter: Malkovich?

John Malkovich: MALKOVICH!

Waiter: Malkovich.

Maxine: Let's have sex on his table and then make him eat an omelette off of it.

John Malkovich: NO!

[Craig regains control]

Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): Shut up, you overrated piece of shit.

Guy in Restaurant: 'Scuse me.

John Malkovich: Mm-hmm?

Guy in Restaurant: Are you John Malkovich?

John Malkovich: Yes, I am.

Guy in Restaurant: Wow! You're really, uh, great in that movie...

John Malkovich: Oh?

Guy in Restaurant: ...where you play that retard.

John Malkovich: Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

Guy in Restaurant: I have a cousin... who's a retard.

John Malkovich: Oh, thank you.

Guy in Restaurant: Yeah. So, um... as you might imagine, it... means a lot to me to see... retards... portrayed, uh, on the silver screen so compassionately.

John Malkovich: Well, thank you very much, I appreciate it.

John Malkovich: This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God.

Craig Schwartz: With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood.

John Malkovich: It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court!

[Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike]

Craig Schwartz: [calling after him] And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?

John Malkovich: Ma-Sheen!

Charlie: Malcatraz!

John Malkovich: The weird thing is, this Maxine likes to call me "Lotte".

Charlie: Ouch. That is hot. Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?

John Malkovich: What are you talking about, "Done with her", man? Tonight really freaked me out!

John Malkovich: I have seen a world that NO man should see!

Craig Schwartz: Really? Because for most people it's a rather enjoyable experience.

[During sex]

John Malkovich: Did you call me Lotte?

Maxine: Yeah, do you mind?

John Malkovich: No, not really.