Bobby Long Quotes in Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)

Zack Brown: Hello, Miriam.

Miriam Linky: Beat it, we're talking.

Zack Brown: I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.

Brandon: Salutations.

Zack Brown: Bobby's boyfriend.

Miriam Linky: Bobby who?

Bobby Long: Bobby me.

Zack Brown: Brandon, uh, is the star as such adult fare as, what was that one called again?

Brandon: "You better shut your mouth or I'm gonna fuck it."

Zack Brown: That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.

Miriam Linky: Are you fucking with me?

Zack Brown: [amused] No, they're fucking with each other.

Brandon: I can't keep my hands off him, I'm so sorry.

Bobby Long: You've had one too many cosmos.

Brandon: You know although he does most of the eating in the sack if you know what I mean. In the sack and of the sack.

Miriam Linky: [after hitting on Bobby and meeting his boyfriend] You're gay?

Bobby Long: Yeah.

Miriam Linky: [to Brandon] And I'm on the internet wearing... a diaper?

Brandon: Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity? Ha ha!

Miriam Linky: [to Zack] I'm gonna binge-drink now until I pass out.

Zack Brown: Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?

Brandon: Oh, like crazy.

Bobby Long: This is exactly why you haven't met my mother! Because you don't know how to ease people in to this situation, you just force your way in every time!

Brandon: Baby, I thought maybe for one second in this God-forsaken town I could be myself! I'm so sorry, you're right, I should just butch up and pretend that I don't love it when you shove your dick in my mouth!

Zack Brown: [to himself] This is the best night of my life.

Brandon: Am I making a spectacle? Because I could make a much bigger scene. I'm sorry, Pittsburg, listen up Monroevers, my name is Brandon St. Randy, and I love Bobby Long!

Zack Brown: Fucking A!

Brandon: Is that enough for you? Is that enough of a scene? Cause I could start doing a lot worse then that. And the reason that you haven't taken me home to your mother is that your mother, with her makeup and all her drinking, she's in the closet too.

Zack Brown: [in awe] They fight just like real people...

Brandon: Oh my god... no!

Miriam Linky: What?

Brandon: Granny Panties?

Miriam Linky: Excuse me?

Brandon: This is so crazy! I was literally just watching you like right before we got here! This is you, right?

[pulls out his iPhone and shows a YouTube clip of Miri in a changing room wearing big underwear. The narrator says "My name's Granny Panties and nobody wants to fuck me! Nothing's whiter then my big gay ass."]

Miriam Linky: [Miri gasps in horror]

Zack Brown: Where'd you get that?

Brandon: Oh, I entered 'gay' and 'ass' and it was the top hit. It's had 200 thousand views in three hours. Honey, you are, like, I'm actually jealous right now cause you're like super famous!

Miriam Linky: [to Bobby] You're gay?

Bobby Long: [apologetically] Yeah...

Miriam Linky: And I'm the internet wearing... a diaper?

Brandon: Who knew you'd come to Pittsburg and meet a celebrity?

Miriam Linky: I'm gonna binge drink now until I pass out now.

Bobby Long: Happiness makes up in height, what it lacks in length.

Bobby Long: We cannot tear out a single page of our lives, but we can throw the whole book in the fire.

Lawson Pines: George Sand.

Bobby Long: Now I thought that would be a hard one.

Lawson Pines: We die only once, and for such a long time.

Bobby Long: Molière.

Bobby Long: It's all right, I can walk to the curb from here. Get me a beer.

Bobby Long: He can make a lovely corpse!

Lawson Pines: Come on, man. Charles Dickens. You serious? Martin Chuzzlewit.

Bobby Long: Smart ass.

Lawson Pines: Damn girl, you woke up productive. Bobby, come see what Pursy did.

Bobby Long: I see what she didn't do. Leave.

Pursy Will: She ain't gonna leave.

Georgianna: So now what? Lorraine finally kick ya'll out?

Bobby Long: No... she never would. Besides, God wouldn't let that happen.

Lawson Pines: Really? And why not?

Bobby Long: Cause God knows me and I know God.

Bobby Long: Now just exactly who is Plato and who is Socrates in this equation? Cause fuck, I'll just stay out.

Lawson Pines: You are Socrates, of course. You are the teacher.

Bobby Long: Goddamn right I am.

Pursy Will: I wish you'd all just shut up. Cause if it's gonna be like this, I ain't learning nothing.

Bobby Long: Girl, your English is fucking atrocious!

Bobby Long: Someone should have told those Creole people we got something called winter in Louisiana

Pursy Will: Well, y'all might've improved on their oversight with this cool new invention called HEAT.

Bobby Long: Pursy, where'd you put the vodka?

Pursy Will: You told me to hide it.

Bobby Long: I did. But where did you hide it?

Pursy Will: I'm not supposed to tell you, remember?

Bobby Long: Goddamn, you don't do anything else I tell you to do. Now where is it?

Pursy Will: Lawson! Bobby's trying to get me to tell him where the vodka is again.

[Lawson enters]

Lawson Pines: Pursy, it is Christmas.

Pursy Will: Oh whatever. It's under the back stairs.

Bobby Long: Think she'll come right home?

Lawson Pines: Where else would a teenage girl go but straight home to her endlessly entertaining middle-age room mates?

Lawson Pines: [Carrying in a tree] Ho ho ho!

Bobby Long: Where did you get that?

Lawson Pines: Fell off the back of a truck.

Bobby Long: Like hell it did.

Lawson Pines: All right, maybe it was a volvo.

Bobby Long: Lawson is not in love with you.

Georgianna: Bobby, I don't think thats any of your damn business.

Bobby Long: I've seen him with a woman that he can't get enough of. A woman that's crawled into every molecule of his being. That consumed his every thought and turned him into a creature of devotion and obsession. I have the scars of that love on my face, have ya told her about that? Have you told her about the difference between true love and a warm bed to pass the time away?

Lawson Pines: Oh cool it man. Don't go after her, I never said I was going anywhere.

Bobby Long: I only speak the truth. The woman deserves to know the truth. And you, you're free to do as you please.

Lawson Pines: Am I, really? Finally free huh?

Bobby Long: I wanna say something on this occasion where I celebrate my love and frienships with one another. Friend, my enemy, I call you out. You, you, you there with a bad thorn in your side. You there, my friend, with a winning air. Who pawned the lie on me when he looked brassly at my shyest secret. With my whole heart under your hammer. That though I loved him for his faults as much as for his good. My friend were an enemy upon stilts with his head in a cunning cloud.

Lawson Pines: Bravo, man. Now why dont you come out and fucking say what you really mean. Does every word out of your mouth have to be in character? Or is that the idea? Just to be anyone but who you really are. You want to tell me that your disappointed in me? Cause maybe im disappointed in you. You know I never asked to write your damn book. Your redemption and my penance, right? Havent I paid? Nine fucking years. I'm sorry. I am sorry all right. I am so fucking sorry.

Bobby Long: It's Dylan Thomas. That's an easy one.

Lawson Pines: Get up old man. I hear we gotta take you to the doctor and get that of your pecker.

Bobby Long: What do you care? You'd slice it up anyway.

Lawson Pines: Doesn't mean I want my book getting the clap.

Lawson Pines: That girl looks so much like Lorraine. Remember the first time you took me to see her sing was my first time in New Orleans.

[pause]

Lawson Pines: I was so taken.

Bobby Long: Well... you were kind of. You were kind of sheltered. Choked by that silver spoon.

Lawson Pines: I thought she was so beautiful.

Bobby Long: She was.

Bobby Long: [singing] Mother, go make my bed, / Make it long and narrow. / My true love died for me yesterday, / I shall die for him tomorrow. She was buried in a church house yard, / And he was buried there beside her. And from his grave grew roses red, / From hers grew green briar. They grew and they grew so very high, / Till they could grow no higher; And at the top grew a true lovers' knot, / Twined with green briar.

Bobby Long: Well, years ago he trusted my opinion.

Lawson Pines: Years ago you were easier to trust.

Bobby Long: Think she'll come right home?

Lawson Pines: Where else would a teenage girl go but straight home to her endlessly entertaining middle-aged roommates?

Bobby Long: [looking at hospital] I'm not worth this much...

Lawson Pines: [taking hospital bill] Fuck no you aren't.