Alan Garner Quotes in The Hangover (2009)

Stu Price: She's got my grandmother's Holocaust ring!

Alan Garner: I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.

Alan Garner: [while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did you have to park so close?

Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong?

Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.

Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?

Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.

Alan Garner: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

Phil Wenneck: How'd he die?

Alan Garner: World War II.

Phil Wenneck: Died in battle?

Alan Garner: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.

Alan Garner: Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.

[awkward laughter]

Alan Garner: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!

Alan Garner: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?

Doug Billings: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.

Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.

Stu Price: It's also illegal.

Alan Garner: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.

Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.

Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

Alan Garner: Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?

Phil Wenneck: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?

Stu Price: I don't know, because I don't remember.

Phil Wenneck: Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.

Alan Garner: One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.

Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.

Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question?

Lisa: Sure.

Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?

Lisa: What do you mean?

Alan Garner: Did, umm... did Caesar live here?

Lisa: No.

Alan Garner: I didn't think so.

Alan Garner: It was a real pleasure meeting you.

Melissa: Fuck off!

Alan Garner: I'm thinking about getting my bartender's license.

Melissa: Suck my dick.

Alan Garner: No, thank you.

Woman in Elevator: [looks at the baby] Oh, how cute. What's his name?

Phil Wenneck: Ben.

Alan Garner: Carlos.

Mr. Chow: You gonna fuck on me?

Alan Garner: Nobody's gonna fuck on you! I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! *Please*! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.

Phil Wenneck: Who's this?

Doug Billings: It's Alan. Tracy's brother.

Alan Garner: I met you like four times.

Phil Wenneck: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?

Melissa: Why would you go to Las Vegas?

Stu Price: 'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.

Melissa: That's not what *you* do.

Stu Price: Really? Well, then why did I do it? Huh? 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it? You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.

Melissa: That is not how this works!

Stu Price: Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!

Melissa: Oh, really? Since when?

Stu Price: Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!

Alan Garner: You told me it was a bartender.

Stu Price: Oh! You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.

Melissa: You're an idiot!

Stu Price: You're a - You...

[struggles]

Stu Price: You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!

Phil Wenneck: [after realizing that they have rescued the wrong Doug] GOD DAMN IT!

Alan Garner: Gosh darn it!

Phil Wenneck: SHIT!

Alan Garner: Shoot!

Alan Garner: Hey, Phil, look.

[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]

Alan Garner: He's jackin' his little weenis.

Phil Wenneck: [laughs a little] Pull yourself together, bro.

Alan Garner: [stops the baby] Not at the table, Carlos.

Alan Garner: Hey guys, when's the next Haley's comet?

Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man.

Alan Garner: Do you know Stu?

Stu Price: I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.

Alan Garner: But it's not tonight right?

Stu Price: No I don't think so.

Alan Garner: But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley's comet.

Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?

Alan Garner: Oh, really?

Doug Billings: It's not easy.

Alan Garner: Okay, well, maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupt a casino, and he was a retard.

Stu Price: What?

Alan Garner: He was a retard.

Doug Billings: [pronounces properly] *RE*tard.

Old Timer at Gas Station: [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas] Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.

Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.

[the old man walks away]

Alan Garner: Yeah. You better walk on...

Phil Wenneck: [to Doug, inside the gas station] He's actually kind of funny.

Doug Billings: Yeah, he means well.

Alan Garner: [in the background] I'll hit an old man in public.

Black Doug: It's funny, 'cause just the other day, me and my boy, we was wonderin' why they even call 'em roofies. Y'know what I'm talkin' 'bout?

Stu Price: No. Don't know what you're talkin' 'bout.

Black Doug: Why not floories, right? 'Cause when you take 'em, you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies? That's a good new name fo' 'em.

Alan Garner: Or how 'bout rapies?

Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?

Alan Garner: Wearing what?

Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just fuckin' with me?

Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.

Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.

Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?

Stu Price: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?

Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.

[In the wedding]

Alan Garner: How's my hair?

Stu Price: That's good.

Alan Garner: It's cool like Phil's?

Stu Price: It's classic Phil.

Alan Garner: I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.

Doug Billings: Ok, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...

Alan Garner: Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.

Doug Billings: What?

Alan Garner: You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.

Stu Price: We're in a stolen cop car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back. What part of this is cool?

Alan Garner: I think the cop car part's pretty cool.

Stu Price: You are a fucking moron!

Alan Garner: Your language is offensive.

Stu Price: Fuck you!

[last lines]

Doug Billings: We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.

Stu Price: I say we delete it right now.

Phil Wenneck: Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?

Alan Garner: Yeah it's in there!

Doug Billings: Guys, one time. Deal?

Phil Wenneck: Deal!

Stu Price: Deal.

Alan Garner: OK.

[the four of them look into the camera]

Stu Price: Oh dear Lord!

Alan Garner: That's classic!

Alan Garner: Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?

Lisa: What do you mean?

Alan Garner: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.

Lisa: I'm not sure.

Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.

Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...

Alan Garner: That'll work.

Stu Price: Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!

Alan Garner: That's highly unlikely.

Stu Price: That is not Doug.

Mr. Chow: What're you talking about, Willis? That him!

Stu Price: No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow, that's not our friend, he... it's...

Alan Garner: The Doug we're looking for is a white.

Alan Garner: [repeatedly singing] And we're the three best friends that anyone could have!

Alan Garner: You hear that? The baby's name is Tyler.

Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.

Stu Price: [after learning the hotel room they had reserved only had 2 beds] Phil, we're not even going to be in the room. It's one night, we can share beds. It's no big deal.

Alan Garner: Uh, if we're sharing beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You cool with that?

Phil Wenneck: No, I'm not cool with that.

Stu Price: [while Alan adds pepper to the roofied steak] Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper.

Alan Garner: Tigers *love* pepper. They hate cinnamon.

Phil Wenneck: Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.

Stu Price: Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!

Phil Wenneck: It's not our baby.

Alan Garner: Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.

Alan Garner: Hey, you guys ready to let the dogs out?

Alan Garner: Drivin' drunk. Classic!

Stu Price: You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.

Alan Garner: I think he's mean.

Alan Garner: [while getting fitted for a tux] Whoa, watch it, pervert!

Doug Billings: It's ok, Alan. He's just doing your inseam.

Alan Garner: He's getting very close to my shaft.

Alan Garner: [after Chow crushes his bag] Hey, there's skittles in there!

Alan Garner: Hey what's that on your arm?

Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.

Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.

Alan Garner: Are you okay?

Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?

Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.

Stu Price: You found a baby before? Where?

Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.

Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?

Alan Garner: Yes.

Alan Garner: There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!

[Phil walks into the bathroom, then hurries out]

Phil Wenneck: Holy fuck, he's not kidding! There's a tiger in there!

Doug Billings: At least our trip wasn't a total loss.

Alan Garner: Why do you say that?

Doug Billings: While I was stuck on the roof I found about 80,000 dollars worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket. Looks like we're heading home with some money, boys!

Mr. Chow: I want my purse back, assholes.

Phil Wenneck: What, your purse?

Alan Garner: That's not a purse. That's a satchel!

Mr. Chow: It's a purse! Okay? And you steal from wrong guy!

Alan Garner: He seemed like a real straight shooter.