Alan Garner Quotes in The Hangover (2009)
Alan Garner Quotes:
Stu Price: She's got my grandmother's Holocaust ring!
Alan Garner: I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.
Alan Garner: [while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did you have to park so close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong?
Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.
Alan Garner: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil Wenneck: How'd he die?
Alan Garner: World War II.
Phil Wenneck: Died in battle?
Alan Garner: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.
Alan Garner: Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.
Alan Garner: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
Alan Garner: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug Billings: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It's also illegal.
Alan Garner: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.
Alan Garner: Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Phil Wenneck: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?
Stu Price: I don't know, because I don't remember.
Phil Wenneck: Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.
Alan Garner: One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.
Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question?
Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: Did, umm... did Caesar live here?
Alan Garner: I didn't think so.
Alan Garner: It was a real pleasure meeting you.
Melissa: Fuck off!
Alan Garner: I'm thinking about getting my bartender's license.
Melissa: Suck my dick.
Alan Garner: No, thank you.
Woman in Elevator: [looks at the baby] Oh, how cute. What's his name?
Phil Wenneck: Ben.
Alan Garner: Carlos.
Mr. Chow: You gonna fuck on me?
Alan Garner: Nobody's gonna fuck on you! I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! *Please*! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.
Phil Wenneck: Who's this?
Doug Billings: It's Alan. Tracy's brother.
Alan Garner: I met you like four times.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?
Melissa: Why would you go to Las Vegas?
Stu Price: 'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.
Melissa: That's not what *you* do.
Stu Price: Really? Well, then why did I do it? Huh? 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it? You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.
Melissa: That is not how this works!
Stu Price: Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!
Melissa: Oh, really? Since when?
Stu Price: Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!
Alan Garner: You told me it was a bartender.
Stu Price: Oh! You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.
Melissa: You're an idiot!
Stu Price: You're a - You...
Stu Price: You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!
Phil Wenneck: [after realizing that they have rescued the wrong Doug] GOD DAMN IT!
Alan Garner: Gosh darn it!
Phil Wenneck: SHIT!
Alan Garner: Shoot!
Alan Garner: Hey, Phil, look.
[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]
Alan Garner: He's jackin' his little weenis.
Phil Wenneck: [laughs a little] Pull yourself together, bro.
Alan Garner: [stops the baby] Not at the table, Carlos.
Alan Garner: Hey guys, when's the next Haley's comet?
Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man.
Alan Garner: Do you know Stu?
Stu Price: I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.
Alan Garner: But it's not tonight right?
Stu Price: No I don't think so.
Alan Garner: But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley's comet.
Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh, really?
Doug Billings: It's not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well, maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupt a casino, and he was a retard.
Stu Price: What?
Alan Garner: He was a retard.
Doug Billings: [pronounces properly] *RE*tard.
Old Timer at Gas Station: [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas] Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.
Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.
[the old man walks away]
Alan Garner: Yeah. You better walk on...
Phil Wenneck: [to Doug, inside the gas station] He's actually kind of funny.
Doug Billings: Yeah, he means well.
Alan Garner: [in the background] I'll hit an old man in public.
Black Doug: It's funny, 'cause just the other day, me and my boy, we was wonderin' why they even call 'em roofies. Y'know what I'm talkin' 'bout?
Stu Price: No. Don't know what you're talkin' 'bout.
Black Doug: Why not floories, right? 'Cause when you take 'em, you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies? That's a good new name fo' 'em.
Alan Garner: Or how 'bout rapies?
Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?
Alan Garner: Wearing what?
Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just fuckin' with me?
Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.
Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?
Stu Price: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.
[In the wedding]
Alan Garner: How's my hair?
Stu Price: That's good.
Alan Garner: It's cool like Phil's?
Stu Price: It's classic Phil.
Alan Garner: I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.
Doug Billings: Ok, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...
Alan Garner: Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.
Doug Billings: What?
Alan Garner: You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.
Stu Price: We're in a stolen cop car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back. What part of this is cool?
Alan Garner: I think the cop car part's pretty cool.
Stu Price: You are a fucking moron!
Alan Garner: Your language is offensive.
Stu Price: Fuck you!
Doug Billings: We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.
Stu Price: I say we delete it right now.
Phil Wenneck: Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?
Alan Garner: Yeah it's in there!
Doug Billings: Guys, one time. Deal?
Phil Wenneck: Deal!
Stu Price: Deal.
Alan Garner: OK.
[the four of them look into the camera]
Stu Price: Oh dear Lord!
Alan Garner: That's classic!
Alan Garner: Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.
Lisa: I'm not sure.
Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...
Alan Garner: That'll work.
Stu Price: Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!
Alan Garner: That's highly unlikely.
Stu Price: That is not Doug.
Mr. Chow: What're you talking about, Willis? That him!
Stu Price: No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow, that's not our friend, he... it's...
Alan Garner: The Doug we're looking for is a white.
Alan Garner: [repeatedly singing] And we're the three best friends that anyone could have!
Alan Garner: You hear that? The baby's name is Tyler.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.
Stu Price: [after learning the hotel room they had reserved only had 2 beds] Phil, we're not even going to be in the room. It's one night, we can share beds. It's no big deal.
Alan Garner: Uh, if we're sharing beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You cool with that?
Phil Wenneck: No, I'm not cool with that.
Stu Price: [while Alan adds pepper to the roofied steak] Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper.
Alan Garner: Tigers *love* pepper. They hate cinnamon.
Phil Wenneck: Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: It's not our baby.
Alan Garner: Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
Alan Garner: Hey, you guys ready to let the dogs out?
Alan Garner: Drivin' drunk. Classic!
Stu Price: You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.
Alan Garner: I think he's mean.
Alan Garner: [while getting fitted for a tux] Whoa, watch it, pervert!
Doug Billings: It's ok, Alan. He's just doing your inseam.
Alan Garner: He's getting very close to my shaft.
Alan Garner: [after Chow crushes his bag] Hey, there's skittles in there!
Alan Garner: Hey what's that on your arm?
Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan Garner: Are you okay?
Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu Price: You found a baby before? Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.
Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.
Alan Garner: There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!
[Phil walks into the bathroom, then hurries out]
Phil Wenneck: Holy fuck, he's not kidding! There's a tiger in there!
Doug Billings: At least our trip wasn't a total loss.
Alan Garner: Why do you say that?
Doug Billings: While I was stuck on the roof I found about 80,000 dollars worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket. Looks like we're heading home with some money, boys!
Mr. Chow: I want my purse back, assholes.
Phil Wenneck: What, your purse?
Alan Garner: That's not a purse. That's a satchel!
Mr. Chow: It's a purse! Okay? And you steal from wrong guy!
Alan Garner: He seemed like a real straight shooter.
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