Doug Billings Quotes in The Hangover (2009)

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Doug Billings Quotes:

  • Alan Garner: [while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did you have to park so close?

    Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong?

    Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.

    Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?

    Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.

  • Alan Garner: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?

    Doug Billings: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.

    Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.

    Stu Price: It's also illegal.

    Alan Garner: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.

    Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.

    Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

  • Phil Wenneck: Who's this?

    Doug Billings: It's Alan. Tracy's brother.

    Alan Garner: I met you like four times.

    Phil Wenneck: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?

  • Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?

    Alan Garner: Oh, really?

    Doug Billings: It's not easy.

    Alan Garner: Okay, well, maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupt a casino, and he was a retard.

    Stu Price: What?

    Alan Garner: He was a retard.

    Doug Billings: [pronounces properly] *RE*tard.

  • Old Timer at Gas Station: [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas] Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.

    Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.

    [the old man walks away]

    Alan Garner: Yeah. You better walk on...

    Phil Wenneck: [to Doug, inside the gas station] He's actually kind of funny.

    Doug Billings: Yeah, he means well.

    Alan Garner: [in the background] I'll hit an old man in public.

  • Alan Garner: I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.

    Doug Billings: Ok, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...

    Alan Garner: Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.

    Doug Billings: What?

    Alan Garner: You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.

  • [last lines]

    Doug Billings: We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.

    Stu Price: I say we delete it right now.

    Phil Wenneck: Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?

    Alan Garner: Yeah it's in there!

    Doug Billings: Guys, one time. Deal?

    Phil Wenneck: Deal!

    Stu Price: Deal.

    Alan Garner: OK.

    [the four of them look into the camera]

    Stu Price: Oh dear Lord!

    Alan Garner: That's classic!

  • Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.

    Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.

  • Phil Wenneck: [after seeing the ring that Stu plans on giving Melissa] What the hell is that?

    Stu Price: What's it look like?

    Phil Wenneck: If it's what I think it is, it's a big fucking mistake!

    Doug Billings: She's not that bad.

    Phil Wenneck: Doug, she beats him!

    Stu Price: That was once, and I was out of line.

  • Alan Garner: [while getting fitted for a tux] Whoa, watch it, pervert!

    Doug Billings: It's ok, Alan. He's just doing your inseam.

    Alan Garner: He's getting very close to my shaft.

  • Sid Garner: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.

    Doug Billings: Understood.

    Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.

  • Doug Billings: All good with Melissa?

    Stu Price: Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.

    Phil Wenneck: Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?

    Stu Price: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.

    Phil Wenneck: Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?

    Stu Price: Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.

    Phil Wenneck: And you believe that?

    Stu Price: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.

  • Doug Billings: At least our trip wasn't a total loss.

    Alan Garner: Why do you say that?

    Doug Billings: While I was stuck on the roof I found about 80,000 dollars worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket. Looks like we're heading home with some money, boys!

  • [first lines]

    Doug Billings: [on recording] Hey, you've reached Doug. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a name and number and I'll get back to you.

Browse more character quotes from The Hangover (2009)

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