Phil Wenneck Quotes in The Hangover (2009)

Alan Garner: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

Phil Wenneck: How'd he die?

Alan Garner: World War II.

Phil Wenneck: Died in battle?

Alan Garner: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.

Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.

Stu Price: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.

Phil Wenneck: [yells from outside] Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!

Stu Price: I should go.

Melissa: That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.

Phil Wenneck: Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.

Alan Garner: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?

Doug Billings: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.

Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.

Stu Price: It's also illegal.

Alan Garner: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.

Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.

Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

Alan Garner: Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?

Phil Wenneck: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?

Stu Price: I don't know, because I don't remember.

Phil Wenneck: Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.

Alan Garner: One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.

Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.

Phil Wenneck: The Best Little Chapel... do you know where that is?

Dr. Valsh: I do, it's at the corner of get a map and fuck off. I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.

Phil Wenneck: [his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.

Woman in Elevator: [looks at the baby] Oh, how cute. What's his name?

Phil Wenneck: Ben.

Alan Garner: Carlos.

Phil Wenneck: Who's this?

Doug Billings: It's Alan. Tracy's brother.

Alan Garner: I met you like four times.

Phil Wenneck: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?

Phil Wenneck: [a kid tries to ask him a question at school] It's the weekend, Budnick. I don't know you. You do not exist.

Phil Wenneck: [after realizing that they have rescued the wrong Doug] GOD DAMN IT!

Alan Garner: Gosh darn it!

Phil Wenneck: SHIT!

Alan Garner: Shoot!

Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil.

Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.

Phil Wenneck: Yeah, listen, uh... we fucked up.

Tracy Garner: What are you talking about?

Phil Wenneck: The bachelor party. The whole night. It's... Things got out of control and, uh... we lost Doug.

Tracy Garner: What?

Phil Wenneck: We can't find Doug.

Tracy Garner: What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in *five hours*.

Phil Wenneck: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.

Phil Wenneck: To a night the four of us will never forget!

Officer Franklin: [to a group of schoolchildren] Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal

[tasers Stu in the neck; Stu collapses]

Officer Franklin: ... or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You want to come up here and do some shooting, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.

Officer Franklin: Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.

[Alan steps forward]

Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.

[to Phil]

Officer Franklin: You, pretty boy.

Officer Franklin: [to girl] Alright. Now, it's real simple. All you got to do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?

Phil Wenneck: You don't really want to do this.

Officer Franklin: You can do this. Just focus.

Phil Wenneck: Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through.

Officer Franklin: *Finish him!*

[the girl tasers Phil]

Officer Franklin: Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Giver her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!

Officer Franklin: Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody want to do some shooting up here? How about you, big man? Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There y'go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.

[the kid tasers Alan]

Officer Franklin: *In the face! In the face!*

Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Ma'am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack.

[to himself]

Phil Wenneck: I should have been a fucking cop.

Alan Garner: Hey, Phil, look.

[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]

Alan Garner: He's jackin' his little weenis.

Phil Wenneck: [laughs a little] Pull yourself together, bro.

Alan Garner: [stops the baby] Not at the table, Carlos.

Alan Garner: Hey guys, when's the next Haley's comet?

Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man.

Alan Garner: Do you know Stu?

Stu Price: I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.

Alan Garner: But it's not tonight right?

Stu Price: No I don't think so.

Alan Garner: But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley's comet.

Old Timer at Gas Station: [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas] Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.

Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.

[the old man walks away]

Alan Garner: Yeah. You better walk on...

Phil Wenneck: [to Doug, inside the gas station] He's actually kind of funny.

Doug Billings: Yeah, he means well.

Alan Garner: [in the background] I'll hit an old man in public.

Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?

Alan Garner: Wearing what?

Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just fuckin' with me?

Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.

Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.

Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?

Stu Price: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?

Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.

[last lines]

Doug Billings: We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.

Stu Price: I say we delete it right now.

Phil Wenneck: Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?

Alan Garner: Yeah it's in there!

Doug Billings: Guys, one time. Deal?

Phil Wenneck: Deal!

Stu Price: Deal.

Alan Garner: OK.

[the four of them look into the camera]

Stu Price: Oh dear Lord!

Alan Garner: That's classic!

Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.

Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.

Stu Price: Why don't we remember a God damn thing from last night?

Phil Wenneck: Obviously because we had a great fucking time.

Alan Garner: You hear that? The baby's name is Tyler.

Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.

Phil Wenneck: [on video surveillance] Check it out. Stu! Stu, fuck this tiger!

Mike Tyson: Aw, man! Who does shit like that, man?

Phil Wenneck: Someone who has a lotta issues, obviously. I'm a sick man.

Phil Wenneck: [leaving the school at which he teaches] Would you shut up and drive, before any of these nerds asks me another question.

Stu Price: This does not seem fair.

Phil Wenneck: It's rock-paper-scissors. There's nothin' more fair.

Phil Wenneck: [after seeing the ring that Stu plans on giving Melissa] What the hell is that?

Stu Price: What's it look like?

Phil Wenneck: If it's what I think it is, it's a big fucking mistake!

Doug Billings: She's not that bad.

Phil Wenneck: Doug, she beats him!

Stu Price: That was once, and I was out of line.

Stu Price: [after learning the hotel room they had reserved only had 2 beds] Phil, we're not even going to be in the room. It's one night, we can share beds. It's no big deal.

Alan Garner: Uh, if we're sharing beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You cool with that?

Phil Wenneck: No, I'm not cool with that.

Phil Wenneck: Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!

Phil Wenneck: Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.

Stu Price: Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!

Phil Wenneck: It's not our baby.

Alan Garner: Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.

Stu Price: We don't want to call attention to ourselves!

Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Attention! Attention!

Stu Price: [about the cops after releasing them early] Fuck those guys! You hear me? That was bullshit! I'm tellin' everybody we stole a cop car! You can't just do that! You can't just tease people because you think it's funny! That's police brutality!

[calmly]

Stu Price: I'm getting a soda. You guys want anything?

Phil Wenneck: No.

Stu Price: Whoah, we're not leaving a baby in the car.

Phil Wenneck: He'll be fine. I cracked a window.

Alan Garner: Hey what's that on your arm?

Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.

Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.

Alan Garner: Are you okay?

Alan Garner: There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!

[Phil walks into the bathroom, then hurries out]

Phil Wenneck: Holy fuck, he's not kidding! There's a tiger in there!

Doug Billings: All good with Melissa?

Stu Price: Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.

Phil Wenneck: Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?

Stu Price: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.

Phil Wenneck: Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?

Stu Price: Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.

Phil Wenneck: And you believe that?

Stu Price: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.

Phil Wenneck: Who was that guy? He was so mean!

Phil Wenneck: [drunk] Fuck this tiger!

Stu Price: I'll tell you another thing - 6 to 1 odds our car is beat to shit.

Phil Wenneck: Come on Stu.

Stu Price: No seriously how much you want to bet it's fucked up beyond all recognition?

Mr. Chow: I want my purse back, assholes.

Phil Wenneck: What, your purse?

Alan Garner: That's not a purse. That's a satchel!

Mr. Chow: It's a purse! Okay? And you steal from wrong guy!