Wes Luger Quotes in Loaded Weapon 1 (1993)

Desk Clerk: That her?

Wes Luger: No, that's a picture.

Wes Luger: There's something between you and this General Mortars.

Jack Colt: He was my CO in 'Nam. CIA listed him as MIA, but the VA ID'd his MO and we put out an APB.

Wes Luger: Oh, I see.

Wes Luger: Coffee, Ted?

Doris Luger: Ted's from a dysfunctional family.

Wes Luger: Oh, so, no coffee.

Captain Doyle: Don't be so fast to thank me on this, Luger, because you're going to be naked on this one. It's on the line for you. People are going to be watching. Now you blow it, you're going down. You screw up, you're going to be hung out to dry. You drop the ball, you're going to be left twisting in the wind. If you embarrass this department, your pants will be dancing with figs. Is that clear?

Wes Luger: Everything but the pants fig thing.

Valet: You got anything smaller?

Wes Luger: Keep it.

Valet: Anything larger?

Wes Luger: I don't think York was a suicide. She was on to something.

Captain Doyle: On something is more likely. You know as well as I that this guy's cookies were laced with cocaine.

Wes Luger: No wonder I couldn't eat just one.

[Colt and Luger's car blows up]

Colt: Good thing we used valet parking.

Wes Luger: Taxi!

[the taxi blows up]

Colt: I guess we're making somebody nervous. I'll tell you this: It's gonna take a lot more than a couple of car bombs to get us off of this case.

Wes Luger: Not a helluva lot more.

Becker: What? I don't know nothin'. I didn't see nothin'. I ain't say nothin'.

Wes Luger: Nothing, the word is nothing, not nothin'. There's an i-n-g on the end of it. Nothing.

Becker: Ok, nothing. Nothiiing. Nothiiiiiiiiiiing. Ok, you happy?

Wes Luger: That's better.

Wes Luger: What's going on in here?

Mr. Jigsaw: Drop your gun Mr. Luger!

Wes Luger: I don't have one...

Mr. Jigsaw: [confused] You are not carrying a weapon?

Wes Luger: Don't believe in them.

Mr. Jigsaw: [slides a gun over] Pick up the gun.

Wes Luger: [picks up the gun]

Mr. Jigsaw: *Drop* the gun Mr. Luger!

Wes Luger: You have reached the desk of sergeant Wes Luger, please leave a message after the beep.

Sgt. Billy York: Yeah Wes it's...

Wes Luger: Hey I said after the beep!

Sgt. Billy York: Well excuse me!

Wes Luger: I'm getting too old for this bike-confiscating shit!

Wes Luger: Bust at a cookie factory? I don't know. Can you trust her

[Destiny]

Wes Luger: ?

Jack Colt: Yeah.

Wes Luger: How do you know? You kissed her?

Jack Colt: Well, sort of.

Wes Luger: French?

[Colt shakes head]

Wes Luger: Give her a hickey?

[Colt shakes head]

Wes Luger: Shaved her back?

[Colt shakes head]

Wes Luger: Handled her hooters?

[Colt shakes head]

Wes Luger: You parked the pink Cadillac?

[Colt shakes head]

Wes Luger: Well what could you possibly know about her?

Jack Colt: I know we both wear the same size Pumps.

Wes Luger: Are you one of those macho guys who just hates women, Colt?

Jack Colt: If I tell you something, do you promise it'll just stay between us?

Wes Luger: Your secret's safe with me, Colt. Whatever you tell me doesn't leave this car. You have my word.

[both are unaware the cop radio is active]

Jack Colt: All right.

[cut to police headquarters, where Colt is heard over the police radio]

Jack Colt: My mother never breast-fed me. She'd... tease me with it, then give me the bottle. It went on for years.

[cut to an airport, where Colt is heard over the loudspeaker]

Jack Colt: By the time I hit thirteen, I developed a love-hate thing with breasts, and a distrust of all women.

Wes Luger: [cut to Earth orbit, where Luger is heard by a space crew] Hell, I breast-fed 'til I was sixteen, and I still don't understand women.

[space crew laughs]

Wes Luger: So what're we looking at here, Doc?

Coroner: The worst-dressed stiff I've ever seen.

Wes Luger: This "stiff" and I pounded a beat together for five years. So show some respect, Doc.

Coroner: I'm sorry, Wes. You know, I see so much of this senseless mayhem that sometimes I get a little insensitive.

Wes Luger: [nods with understanding]

Coroner: All right. This loser has taken the chicken-shit way out and punched her own ticket.

Wes Luger: Suicide, huh?

[He turns over York's body; there is an expression of surprise frozen on her face]

Wes Luger: She must have caught herself by surprise.

Jack Colt: Claire and I rode together for seven years.

Wes Luger: York and I were in academy together. Then we partnered for five years. Before that, we dodged the draft together. Before that, we played high school football together. Before that, we were in grade school together. And before that, we breast fed together.

Wes Luger: We're investigating a felony, Miss Demeanor.

Wes Luger: York was a friend of mine. She was onto something. I think that's what got her killed.

Captain Doyle: You don't think it was the bullets?