Jack Colt Quotes in Loaded Weapon 1 (1993)

[Mr. Jigsaw is holding a gun to Sgt. Colt's head]

Jack Colt: Who are you?

Mr. Jigsaw: I am your worst nightmare.

Jack Colt: No, waking up without my penis is my worst nightmare.

Mr. Jigsaw: Okay, allright, so I'm not your worst nightmare. But I'm right up there!

Wes Luger: There's something between you and this General Mortars.

Jack Colt: He was my CO in 'Nam. CIA listed him as MIA, but the VA ID'd his MO and we put out an APB.

Wes Luger: Oh, I see.

Wes Luger: Bust at a cookie factory? I don't know. Can you trust her

[Destiny]

Wes Luger: ?

Jack Colt: Yeah.

Wes Luger: How do you know? You kissed her?

Jack Colt: Well, sort of.

Wes Luger: French?

[Colt shakes head]

Wes Luger: Give her a hickey?

[Colt shakes head]

Wes Luger: Shaved her back?

[Colt shakes head]

Wes Luger: Handled her hooters?

[Colt shakes head]

Wes Luger: You parked the pink Cadillac?

[Colt shakes head]

Wes Luger: Well what could you possibly know about her?

Jack Colt: I know we both wear the same size Pumps.

Wes Luger: Are you one of those macho guys who just hates women, Colt?

Jack Colt: If I tell you something, do you promise it'll just stay between us?

Wes Luger: Your secret's safe with me, Colt. Whatever you tell me doesn't leave this car. You have my word.

[both are unaware the cop radio is active]

Jack Colt: All right.

[cut to police headquarters, where Colt is heard over the police radio]

Jack Colt: My mother never breast-fed me. She'd... tease me with it, then give me the bottle. It went on for years.

[cut to an airport, where Colt is heard over the loudspeaker]

Jack Colt: By the time I hit thirteen, I developed a love-hate thing with breasts, and a distrust of all women.

Wes Luger: [cut to Earth orbit, where Luger is heard by a space crew] Hell, I breast-fed 'til I was sixteen, and I still don't understand women.

[space crew laughs]

Jack Colt: Claire and I rode together for seven years.

Wes Luger: York and I were in academy together. Then we partnered for five years. Before that, we dodged the draft together. Before that, we played high school football together. Before that, we were in grade school together. And before that, we breast fed together.

[Jack Colt mixes a drink with Jack Daniel's Old No. 7, Bushmills Irish Whiskey, Stolichnaya Vodka and tops it off with chocolate flavored syrup]

Jack Colt: Here's to getting through another lousy day...

[Jack drinks the whole glass]

Miss Destiny Demeanor: Ow.

Jack Colt: What?

Miss Destiny Demeanor: Painful cuticle.

Jack Colt: You think that's painful?

[touches face]

Jack Colt: Razor burn.

Miss Destiny Demeanor: [holding stomach] Retaining water.

Jack Colt: [lifts shirt, revealing metal piece in flesh] Nickle beer night, Dodger stadium.

Miss Destiny Demeanor: [points to scars] And these? Vietnam?

Jack Colt: [shakes head] Parochial school. Grenade...

[rips left arm off]

Jack Colt: riot at a Love Connection taping.

Miss Destiny Demeanor: That's nothing.

[pulls her hair forward, revealing a metal plate]

Miss Destiny Demeanor: Plate in my head: Elective surgery. I was a fool.

Jack Colt: Try this:

[opens chest, revealing hamster riding a wheel]

Jack Colt: Low budget organ transplant.

Miss Destiny Demeanor: Oh Colt... enough foreplay. We were made for each other.