Tom Servo Quotes in Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)

Cal Meecham: [after German scientist comments on Mozart at dinner] What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?

Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the chap.

Tom Servo: "I'm not an alien!"

Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.

Cal Meecham: *Our* composer - he belongs to the world!

Exeter: Yes, indeed.

Mike: "I'm not an alien."

Cal Meecham: That dinner, Exeter, was even more perfect than you promised. Now if you'll excuse me, I could do with some fresh air myself.

Crow T. Robot: He's gonna get high!

Cal Meecham: Would you care to join me, Dr. Adams?

Tom Servo: "Uh, no!"

Cal Meecham: You, Dr. Carlson?

Mike: "Your turn to walk the Cal."

Exeter: Why don't you? Show him the grounds.

Crow T. Robot: "I dare ya!"

Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meecham until tomorrow.

Tom Servo: "Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat, and lay my eggs in your chest! But I'm *not* an alien!"

Tom Servo: This Island Earth can be yours IF the price is right!

[as Cal and Joe assemble the Interositor]

Crow T. Robot: Science and Industry!

Tom Servo: See big men sticking screw drivers into things - turning them - AND ADJUSTING THEM!

Crow T. Robot: Build your very own Atom Storage Box!

Mike: Bringing you state-of-the-art in soft-serve technology!

Crow T. Robot: Removes lids off bottles and jars of all sizes - and it really, really works.

Benkitnorf: [the crew catches Benkitnorf in the shower on Tom Servo's interositer] Man, you guys scared the living daylights out of me!

Mike: It's working! Hey! Hi, is Exeter there?

Benkitnorf: Nah, him and Brack went down to Headbutt Days for Shelly. I gotta meet 'em in the beer tent in about fifteen minutes, so I gotta get going, 'kay?

Tom Servo: No, wait! We're trapped in space! Can we use this thing to get back to Earth?

Benkitnorf: I don't know. Geez... let's see, maybe this does something...

[pushes button, zapping Servo]

Benkitnorf: Crap. That's not it. Hang on...

[gets manual]

Benkitnorf: Okay. Did you use the Intensifier Disc?

All: Yes.

Benkitnorf: Turn the controls 18 degrees to the left?

All: Did that.

Benkitnorf: Are you in Europe? Do you need an adapter?

All: No.

Benkitnorf: Well, look. I don't know anything about this thing. Maybe this does something...

[pushes button, zapping Servo again]

Benkitnorf: Oops. That didn't work. Okay, well I'll be sure to tell Exeter to give you a call! Bye!

Tom Servo: When in California, be sure to visit beautiful...

[the letters "Washington, D.C." appear on-screen]

Tom Servo: Oh... Hm...

Tom Servo: Wow, that ringing! Now he knows what the world sounds like to Pete Townshend!

Tom Servo: Well what kind of shit-hole planet is this?

Crow T. Robot: Man, the universe is really cruisin'.

Tom Servo: Hey, look, there's Taurus the bull.

Mike: And right underneath him the constellation feces.

Crow T. Robot: Hey, look, Orion's broke.

Joe Wilson: If there is any reason around here.

Tom Servo: What with all the shenanigans and goings-on.

[as Tom Servo reads the opening credits:]

Tom Servo: Okay, let's see here... Shatner, Shatner... no, doesn't look like he's in this one; we're safe.

Exeter: I beg your pardon, Mr. Wilson, your camera will pick up nothing but black fog.

Tom Servo: Oh, it's a Goldstar.

Tom Servo: Space, the final frontier, these are the voyages of Babylon 5.

Tom Servo: Ah, they're going 65, so they'll be there in 3 BILLION years...

Tom Servo: Captain's log: a bunch of our ship fell off, and, nobody likes me.

Tom Servo: This isn't shot day-for-night. It's more like 4:30-for-5:15.

Crow T. Robot: [as ship descends into fantastic Metaluna landscape] Looks like Dr. Seuss designed their planet!

Tom Servo: Oh, they're flying into a Roger Dean album cover.

Crow T. Robot: They're very into "Yes" on this planet.

Tom Servo: Hee hee!

Mike: International flights always get the gate furthest from the terminal.

Tom Servo: Remember, we're parked in the "Denubrian Slime Devil" lot!

Tom Servo: [Zagon bomb explodes en route to thought-transference chamber] "Golly, those doggone Zagons are really licking us, huh! Well, let's go get your brains scrambled..."

Exeter: [a MutAnt blocks their path to escape] He appears badly hurt - stay close to me.

Tom Servo: *Ahem* "Guten Tag! Zigaretten? Wir wollen ein Auto mieten!"

Exeter: They're concentrating all their attention on Metaluna. Those flashes of light - they're meteors. Hundreds of them! The intense heat is turning Metaluna into a radioactive sun. The temperature must be thousands of degrees by now.

Crow T. Robot: Cooler by the lake.

Exeter: A lifeless planet. And yet...

Tom Servo: Rents are reasonable!

Exeter: Yet, still serving a useful purpose, I hope. Yes... a sun, warming the surface of some other world - giving light to those who may need it.

Mike: "Still, your whole family died. That's a bummer, huh?"

Mike: Boy, the landlady's gonna be mad.

Tom Servo: Are you boys cooking up there?

Mike: No.

Tom Servo: Are you making an interositor?

Mike: No!

Tom Servo: See, all rights are reserved, Callahan.

Mike: [in a Clint Eastwood voice] Yeah, but what about the rights of that little girl?

Tom Servo: If not satisfied with this movie, please return unused portion for a full refund.

Tom Servo: I could've sworn we parked at the... Oh shit!

[as entire mountain explodes]

Tom Servo: That's what happens when you leave a potato in the microwave!

[alien spaceship catches plane in tractor beam]

Mike Nelson: I'm beginning to think they're not from around here.

Tom Servo: No, I bet you they're English, or Canadian.

Plane Voice: Good morning, Dr. Meecham.

Tom Servo: Good morning, Voice.

Plane Voice: Hope you slept well.

Mike Nelson: 'Cause it's time to die.

[Cal and Joe are looking in an interositer catalog]

Joe Wilson: Here's something my wife could use in the house...

Crow T. Robot: A man?

Joe Wilson: ...an interositer incorporating an electron sorter.

Cal Meecham: She'll probably gain twenty pounds while it does all the work for her.

Tom Servo: Cal, you bitch!

Exeter: Into the converter tubes. Ruth, you take the first tube. Cal, you take the second.

Cal Meecham: What about you?

Exeter: I'll take the third tube.

Tom Servo: [as Cal] Oh, right. Stupid question.

Dr. Cal Meecham: [after Ruth's tube opens and the mutant is attacking] Run, Ruth, Run!

Tom Servo: Brilliant strategy, thanks Napoleon!

Joe Wilson: You're too darned smart.

Tom Servo: And handsome!

Cal Meecham: I may just be the dumbest man who ever lived.

Mike: No argument here.

Tom Servo: Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.

Tom Servo: Crow you big dope, you can't tunnel through space!

Tom Servo: Self cleaning mutant. Leaves only the fresh scent of pine.

Tom Servo: It's the amazing technicolor cheese wedge!

Tom Servo: Captain's log: I've lost my toupee and girdle, and I can't leave my room!

Tom Servo: I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me, and frankly I love it!

Tom Servo: Oh, they're flying into a Roger Dean album cover.

Crow T. Robot: They're very into Yes on this planet.

[after Mike damages the Hubble]

Crow T. Robot: Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!

Tom Servo: Don't *do* that!

Crow T. Robot: [as Ruth] Oh, Carl.

Tom Servo: [as Cal] Er, Cal.

Crow T. Robot: [as Ruth] Oh, Cal.

[Watching the credits, Eastman productions comes up]

Tom Servo: EASTMAN! He came from the east, to do battle with the amazing RANDO!

[as Exeter's flying saucer crashes]

Tom Servo: Oh, don't mind me, I'm just a weather balloon!

Mike: Just some swamp gas.

Tom Servo: Let go of my hand, Joe!

Tom Servo: Sort this, deliver that, I'll make them all pay.

Tom Servo: Hope you like cyanide!

Tom Servo: Come on, you couple of single-stomach, micro-cephalic bilobes.

Tom Servo: Left, right, left... Left, right, left... Ouch! A door.

Crow T. Robot, Mike, Tom Servo: NORMAL VIEW! NORMAL VIIEEEEW!

Joe: Cal! Pull up!

Cal Meecham: I can't. I'm too low.

Tom Servo: I got the blues, so bad, uh huh.