T.J. Hicks Quotes in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999)

T.J. Hicks: See this ring? Topaz, my mother's birthstone. Know where I got the money for it?

Deuce Bigalow: Where?

T.J. Hicks: Man-whoring! See this keychain? Mini yo-yo. Know where I got the money for it?

Deuce Bigalow: Man-whoring?

T.J. Hicks: Stock market! But I got the money for the stock market from man-whoring.

T.J. Hicks: You know, Antoine's got a really bad temper. One time, I dropped a cigar ash on his carpet, and he made me pick it up with my anus.

T.J. Hicks: T.J. don't consider himself no pimp. More of a... male madam.

[pause]

T.J. Hicks: That wasn't too well thought out.

T.J. Hicks: Don't make me he-bitch man-slap you!

T.J. Hicks: What about Antoine's apartment?

Deuce Bigalow: I'm gonna get the rest of the money the old-fashioned way.

T.J. Hicks: You gonna steal it?

T.J. Hicks: Claire said Antoine's apartment was messed up, but I had no idea.

Deuce Bigalow: Claire?

T.J. Hicks: The hooker you ass-punched.

T.J. Hicks: Deuce, you the best he-bitch in my man stable. If I had two more manginas like you, I'd be a millionaire.

T.J. Hicks: The "man-gina": it's a professional term we man-whores use to describe our he-pussy.

T.J. Hicks: This next date is what we man-pimps call a doozy.

Deuce Bigalow: What's wrong with this one?

T.J. Hicks: Nothin'.

Deuce Bigalow: Have you seen her? What is she 80? A hunchback?

T.J. Hicks: She just got outta college. Some of her girlfriends pitched in to get her a little beefcake. She thinks it's a blind date.

Deuce Bigalow: It's a guy isn't it?

T.J. Hicks: I don't think so, but I have been fooled before.

T.J. Hicks: God damn white boy.

T.J. Hicks: Why you ungrateful he-bitch! Maybe I should get Antoine on the phone in Switzerland and tell him how you re-decorated his poon-palace!

T.J. Hicks: Did you know Holland invented chicken and waffles?

Deuce Bigalow: Really?

T.J. Hicks: Before that you could get chicken or waffles, but they were the first to put them together! Black people all over the world will be forever grateful to the Dutch for that.

Deuce Bigalow: You know the Dutch started the slave trade.

T.J. Hicks: THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS!

Deuce Bigalow: T.J., I'm so glad you are here.

T.J. Hicks: How did you find me?

Deuce Bigalow: Well, this seemed like the only chicken and waffles place in all of Holland.

T.J. Hicks: Ohhh, so the black guy has to go to a chicken and waffles place, that's Racist!

Deuce Bigalow: But you're here.

T.J. Hicks: Yeah, but figuring it out was racist.

Deuce Bigalow: [noticing all the black people] This is a nice place.

Deuce Bigalow: We're gonna prove that you didn't kill anyone.

T.J. Hicks: I don't give a damn about that. It's the "extremely gay" part that's bothering me. I mean, if I'm a murderer, they'll welcome me home with open arms. Get out of jail and become a huge rapper. But a gay pimp? Like, where am I going? Vermont?

T.J. Hicks: I ain't gay! I was just looking down his pants 'cause i heard his shlong was so big, and juicy! No wait! That didn't sound right!

T.J. Hicks: Can't a brother put his hand down another man's pants without setting off the faggot alarm?

T.J. Hicks: You like them big hairy balls dont ya?

T.J. Hicks: Ah you pussy get off of me, get off of me!

T.J. Hicks: That is Assapopoulos, he can kiss people with his butt whole

Deuce Bigalow: I don't ever wanna see that.

T.J. Hicks: I'm in blackface. It's my disguise. See?

Deuce Bigalow: But you look the same.

T.J. Hicks: Are you saying black people all look the same? You are such a racist! I should have the good mind not to let you help me prove that I'm innocent.

T.J. Hicks: [after Deuce is biting T.J.'s nipple while high on space cake] Get off my tittie, you doped up cracker!

T.J. Hicks: What is that? That is not a dick in my hand. Anybody got some antibacterial gel? I got burnt dick on my hand.

T.J. Hicks: We'll find the killer using your twat-sicle.

Deuce Bigalow: [T.J. just came out of Jail] Hey, did anyone hurt you in there?

T.J. Hicks: Oh, you're asking if I got ass-pumped, is what's goin on here?

Deuce Bigalow: Not if you don't want to talk about it.

T.J. Hicks: Well, you see, it turns out that I'm not really... that attractive.

Deuce Bigalow: Well, you've been cleared of murder, but people still think you're gay.

T.J. Hicks: Hey, don't tell nobody I'm not gay, I mean, just think of it; T.J., the Gay mans Pimp, and I'm the corner Market man, check out my new bitches.

[a bunch of gay people stare, and wave at T.J]

Deuce Bigalow: O.k. then, lets go grab some chicken, and Waffles, my treat.

T.J. Hicks: Man, you said the first thing a black man wants when he gets out of jail.

T.J. Hicks: [T.J. is in Jail, and is testing all the Prisoners for their orientation] Hey, let me give you the low-down on T.J. Now, some time ago, I used to be a sideshow host at a Circus, I played the role for eating broken glass. So we di about two shows a week, now that's a lot of broken glass, and it's all collected right in the line of my anus... my *ass* is like one damn cheese grater!

[the Prisoners all stand, and glare at him]

T.J. Hicks: This guy, here? Baron Von Doggy Style. Led a pimping expedition to the Arctic Circle. Froze to death sixty-nining a moose. The only thing left of him

[takes the statue's stick]

T.J. Hicks: is this stick...

[T.J. shows Deuce the stick]

T.J. Hicks: ...which he used to bitch-slap Eskimos.